I broke down sobbing in the secretary’s office today. I think that’s the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I thought I had a handle on things, until I found out that I did even worse on that stupid test than I thought and every single pipe dream shattered. And I lost it.

I’ve gotten used to mediocrity since medical school.

No, no, I hear the protests, but it’s true. I haven’t been one of the stellar students–I can’t remember the last time that I saw a grade that was any better than just passing. For the most part, it hasn’t bothered me. Really–the choice between studying for hours every day or just studying a week before the exam, knowing enough that I can pass and getting to enjoy myself in between times–that was good enough for me. Of course, now when I can actually see how it applies to my career and to my patients, I do wish I had spent a time more time studying Pharm. But just a little.

Even this year, I haven’t expected honors in my rotations. I haven’t. But when I work really really really hard and study for hours, I would like to have some outcome that showed that it was all worth it. Just something so I feel like I don’t have to spend he next six months scrounging for some dumb program to take me.

Anybody want to share funny stories with me? Feed me chocolate? Loan me your favorite plush animal? Give me a push off the roof?

Sometimes I really wonder why I put so much effort into things, when in the end, I don’t have one thing to show for it.

I’ve got a bad migraine from all the tears and a paper that I have to write.

I’ve started writing a longer updating post thingy, but ti’s taking forever, and I really need some good advice.

So here’s the back story:

I live in a pretty crappy neighborhood. It’s not terrible drug slum kind of place, but it’s not much better than that. the rent’s relatively cheap and since I’m the poor student, it works. I’ve gone through really bad neighbors–the drug dealers upstairs (nice girls actually–the company they kept though)–freaky ones (upstairs Jim who would sit on the porch all day and smoke–and question any body who came to visit. he was my private watch dog).

So that brings me to my current neighbors. They’ve lived here for about a year, a guy with stringy hair, his girlfriend with a mullet, and his mother–and I guess the cold weather kept them inside, because now… Now I’ve got one guy without an eye who sits outside all day long, asking me questions. Last night, I’ve discovered that somebody has moved sleeping bags under my window and is sleeping there–at least one, there’s probably more. They were cutting hair on the sidewalk today. And to just add that final straw, some random woman was sitting on my porch smoking cigarettes when I came home from volunteering.

So here’s the thing: I am extremely nonconfrontational. Nothing gives me more fears than trying to approach somebody to get them to stop behaviors (expect in a doctor’s office–I have all the power there and can say “you need to stop smoking” with authority). I realize that I need to talk to my manages, but I have no idea what to even say–and should I try to talk to the neighbors first?

Have any of you gone through anything like this? Advice on what to do/what to say? Because right now, I’m just a little bit freaked out–and am actually considering moving–which I have time nor money to do. And I hate moving.

Help!

PS – You should be proud of the job you did in the MICU. You were
outstanding! Feel free to ask me any career questions you may have. We
would love to see you stay in Internal Medicine, either general or a
subspecialty.

From an email I received from one of the residents I worked with this past month. I got excellent evaluations from my residents–the best I’ve received all year long. Now, you know me, I’m not saying that to boast. Oh no, Julia’s never satisfied with a compliment.

Since around October, I’ve been planning on doing Neurology as a residency. Of course, I always prefaced it, even in my head, that “I’m keeping an open mind so another specialty might sway me,” but I didn’t think that anything would. I mean, if you had asked me when I was starting medical school what I wanted to do, I would have told you pediatrics (genetics) or family practice. I certainly never thought that I’d want to do something with the complex, “way too many blood vessels and did they have to name every bony bump a different name?” brain. But the neurological science block second year fascinated me, and I absolutely loved every minute that we spent studying about Parkinson’s disease and multiple sclerosis and how to do a neuro exam–and better yet, be able to locate where in the brain the injury occurred. I spent hours studying, because I loved it. And in the rest of second year, while there were classes that were interesting, there was never that all-encompassing passion for them. And nothing clicked in the same way, nothing made as much intuitive sense like Neurology did.

The year in review…

I thought this summer would be as most summers. Bereft of new episodes of my favorite shows, my only other option of shows to watch would be old reruns of M*A*S*H. And then, I switched to the USA channel for some good L&O: SVU, and within minutes was hooked on “The 4400”. I had seen it advertised last year, and thought that it was some show about Jehovah’s Witnesses and the religious Armageddon (*blush* What? 4400 is pretty to 144,000!) and it just didn’t seem like my kind of show.

Boy was I wrong! My sister filled me in on the premise and what happened last season, and I’ve become completely absorbed. The acting is incredible–really well done from everybody, the storyline’s great, and it feels like old time X-Files–without the monsters-of-the-week. I’m so excited!

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Tagged by eponine119!

Fandom meme

Work is boring me to death right now. After the excitement and bustle of the ICU, working in the outpatient clinics, seeing a patient an hour, and finding out way too much information about people’s bowel movements is driving me nuts. On the plus side, I’m only working about 3 hours a day. On the minus side, I’m only working about 3 hours a day, and am not in the slightest motivated to put the other hours of the day to good use, ie, studying for the exam that I hafta do really well on. And I’m really piling on the miles on my poor widdle car.

Big clinical exam (ie, practical, hands on with practice patients) on Monday. 8 “patients”, 4 hours. 15 minute visits, 10 minutes to write it up. My kind of fun. Yeah. Not looking forward to that one.

But the time off has left me time to do meme’s like this one…

Tagged by Becka!

Snagged from bjorks_defender, ’cause she made it up just for me! 🙂

10 random, amazing questions