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25th April 2006

another finale

I feel like I’m constantly making these “final posts.” Last post before going to Kenya. Last post before starting a rotation. Last post before I get my teeth cleaned, etc. I wonder why that is?

So make this the last post before I have surgery and take an involuntary absence from my computer at least through the weekend. 🙁 My email accounts are going to be so neglected.

I’m scheduled to report in at 7 in the morning. Surgery will most likely be at 8:30 am and is scheduled to last 2 hours. I’ll be in the post-op area (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit) for probably another hour or two after that–although it will only feel like mere minutes to me. Anethesia is definitely a unique experience. Docs claim that it “puts you to sleep”. It doesn’t really, because there’s no falling asleep part–you all of a sudden lose consciousness, and you wake up just as suddenly, with a limb that doesn’t work as well and an extremely overwhelming thirst reflex–the breathing tube drys you out. The thirst is quite unbearable–speaking of which, I need to go drink a ton, so my veisn will be nice and plump tomorrow. At midnight it’s “No Food for you!”

I’ve got my iPod fully charged, my toothbrush, lip gloss, and am still deciding which comfortable clothes to bring. (Pajamas? Scrubs?) I went to Blockbuster and rented “Howl’s Moving Castle,” “Everything is Illuminated,” and “Rent” and I purchased the first 2 seasons of The X-Files last week so I’d have some entertainment. And I accomplished number one on my list–I cut my hair. It’s short. Very short. I haven’t had my hair this short since I was a sophomore in college, but Matt complimented me on it tonight (as did Karin, but that doesn’t count quite as much does it?) so I guess it’s okay. In fact, you can see it here with the lovely large zit that is cropping up on my chin. Lovely.

Picture of Julia because she loves digital cameras

In any case, I have to get to bed, so I can wake up early and shower (as it will be my last shower for the next 10 days. Ugh) and finish getting ready.

Love to you all! Wish me luck!

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25th April 2006

breakdown

Had the breakdown of the century this evening. Believe me, it wasn’t pretty.

But everything just got to me, the stress, the papers that were due that I hadn’t been able to write more than an introduction on ALL DAY LONG, the limited sleep, feeling neglected and extremely lonely, even though Chris was sitting next to me, typing away on his paper. And on and on, until I couldn’t take it anymore and broke into tears, blubbering about everything that I had to do, how I was freaked out about surgery, etc. Poor Chris. I haven’t been the funnest person to work with over the last little while–I have discovered that whatever talent I had for writing papers in college has long since disappeared, which makes me feel even more frustrated–and I must have really freaked him out today.

After a hug (does wool shrink with tears? How do those poor sheep manage?!), a little bit of a nap and an inclusion in a dinner invitation (which had been that little straw), everything perked up and I was able to finish my paper–10 minutes past the deadline. Doh! But at least it’s done and one more thing I can cross of my “To Do Before Surgery” list. The list is still massive and I have no idea how I’ll get it all done tomorrow, but I think most of the other stuff can be pushed off, if necessary. Except the haircut. That has jumped to the top of the list. *scowls at nappy hair*

But tonight, I’ll sleep in a real bed and sleep in until 9… It sounds almost too good to be true.

Night!

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23rd April 2006

*screams*

I don’t think there’s a male creature on this earth right now that I don’t loathe.

Even claidheamhmor is not entirely exempt because the tea he and melancthe sent me hasn’t come yet. Okay, since he did send me the tea, which is a very nice and wonderful gesture, he’s excused from my wrath. 🙂 (*hugs Claymore* Sorry for the generalization!) But the mailman ain’t.

I’m tired. I’m tired of writing papers. I’m tired of getting blamed whenever something goes wrong. I’m tired of cold silences and angry sighs. I’m tired of lousy PC laptops that make me always look like the moron who breaks things and worse, delete most of what I’ve written. I’m tired of feeling like an idiot. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the week-old leftovers.

He’s just making me mad. I had forgotten how much we tend to grate on each other when we’re working day after day after day. Most of the time, it’s great–we do work well together, we do, and I would be royally screwed at this point without his help. But then there are other times… And I’m such a passive person in arguments that I can’t voice my explanations/disagreements and I just end up seething. I’m just torn right now–torn because in some way I need a break, we need a break, and yet… This is it. In two weeks, he’s gone. I don’t worry about losing my other friends, mostly because I know that the ties of the Plethora have stayed strong over 9 years and they just aren’t breaking. But I worry about him. I’ve never understood exactly why he was my friend to begin with, even after three years, I still wonder. And I can’t get over this fear that I’m going to leave for residency, he’s going to breath a big sigh of relief and that’s going to be it.

I’m freaking out about my surgery this week. I have no idea if I’ve made the right decision and have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to analyze it. I don’t know if it’s just going to make things worse, if I should just suck it up and deal with the pain, or if it really is as I felt earlier that it was something that needed to happen now before I got into residency.

I have to get back to my paper. It’s going to be yet another all nighter. *cries*

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19th April 2006

Fly-by hello

I’m tired of sleeping on couches.

Particularly too short couches…

Which seeing as I’m short myself, is a really small couch.

Particularly when I’m awoken in the morning by a large, spastic dog jumping on me and licking me.

Particularly, when I don’t even get to fall asleep on said couch until 3 in the morning…

And wake up again before 8…

Or sometimes before 7.

Particularly when said couch is lumpy and makes my shoulder hurt more.

****
I just have to make it through this week. This week and weekend and I’ll be virtually done. But until then I have two papers, a test, a 10 hour day of lecture and another test/skill exam. And administer the survey that FINALLY (today) got IRB approval. And write the paper about that project. And the powerpoint. And help Chris edit his four papers.

And after all that is done, I get to reward myself with surgery on my shoulder and an overnight stay in the hospital and a month + where I can’t drive.

*sigh*

People have asked me how I feel about graduating. I haven’t even had time to think about it. Or moving. Right now, it’s surviving a day at a time.

*hugs to everyone in flist land and Plethorites* I miss you guys. I miss having a life. 🙁 Drop a line, say hi, tell me what you’ve been up to. I’m sure by now, you’re all producing grandkids…

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9th April 2006

music: a prayer of the soul

I find that music is one of the best channels I have in my spirituality–the words, the soaring notes pierce my heart even if it’s a little hardened, cynical or distant. There’s something about it that brings me closer to God, back on path. Granted, it has to be good music, good lyrics, not sentimental crap that is designed purely to try to get you to cry (I could list hundreds of exampes that instead of making me feel warm and fuzzy get me so irritated I can’t see straight).

In church today, we had a musical number that did exactly that, inspired me rather. I don’t know if it was the singer or the instrumentation that backed (flute, piano and a string quartet… lovely combination), but I don’t think there was a dry eye in the chapel. I came home and promptly did a google search to see if I could find a recording of that particular arrangement. No such luck, but I did find the lyrics. And since there are many of my friends who have been struggling recently, I thought there might be someone else who is touched as well.

Unanswered Yet by Charles D Tillman

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7th April 2006

Fanfiction Appreciation Day eponine119

I’m late (as always) doing this, but since most of her flist is not on my flist, I only found out about this through the grapevine. But I couldn’t resist and since it’s still April 7 in the Pacific timezone, well, technically, I’m not late!

I’ve been a fan of eponine119‘s writing for practically forever. I remember her writing from back in her X-Files days and her stories were always the ones that stuck with me. Next, I discovered that she also was a fan of Gilmore Girls and once again, I had the opportunity to read and enjoy her fresh takes on the relationships in the show.

Lately, however, her fiction has taken place in the LOST universe and nobody, nobody writes it better than her. Especially the general stories or the stories about the characters that nobody else is writing. Those are the ones that I read over and over again.

A few of my favorites:

Home is one of my absolute favorite Shannon stories. Even now, with Shannon’s death, this is one of the comforts, this idea that she did survive.

Sawyer’s Book Club. I honestly think that it’s stories like this that got everybody interested in who Sawyer was, his motivations. Excellent story. Excellent.

Red Sky has been recced by everybody but this is *the* doomsday fic. The descriptions are incredibly poignant and so dead on in the characterizations.

And finally, one last Shannon fic and a story that eponine119 wrote for little ol’ me. I love it. Bonds.

Thanks for the many hours of enjoyment, Megan! I hope you enjoyed your day!

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6th April 2006

boring busy

(Warning, this is like the boringest update in the world. Seriously, you’d be better off if you go look at the articles about Jessica Simpson becoming a Baywatch babe. Really. Because that’s entertainment!)

Life is good. I don’t think I’ve written that in a while. Makes a nice change. 🙂

I’ve been really busy. As I said, the boring kind of busy, but it’s been nice. I finished my genetics rotation (did I even mention that I was doing a genetics rotation), which was really enjoyable. At one time, that was the career that I was thinking about, becoming a pediatric geneticist. And while it was fun, it was nice discovering that that wasn’t the career for me. Good thing–that would not have been a nice discovery to make right before I started my residency in a completely different field.

The past two weeks I’ve been working on my “PCP”, my last paper/research project that I have to do to graduate. I’ve changed my project three times, but this last one I’ve been really excited about, and there’s a chance that I’ll get published with it (the biggest motivator to get a student to do something–lure them with promise of seeing their name in an obscure journal). The best part is that I’m actually working with Chris on it–it was a project that one of his public health professors had suggested that he do and when I was complaining that all of my ideas were fizzling into nothing, he was good enough to let me join in. It’s been a blast working with him again–it’s like we’re back in second year, the good old times. We work really well together, always have, and things between us are finally, finally getting back to normal. We’re talking about everything and laughing and, well, having my friend back makes me very happy. We had tea today, at my favorite tea shop, and worked on our papers–and when we get bored, switched and worked on each others. 🙂 It was a great afternoon, until he got a ticket on his car, but otherwise, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend a snowy afternoon.

It’s still hard to grasp that I’m graduating in six weeks. Six weeks. It really hasn’t hit me, mostly because I’ve been in this “go go go” mode and just seem to be going from one short-term goal to the next. This week, it’s finishing this questionnaire, writing a proposal so that it’ll be approved for administration. Next week is starting of classes again (ugh. All day long too), learning wilderness survival (hmm, maybe that was the class that I needed to take before my safaris!) and personal doctor’s appointments. The next week is more certification for residency.

And then comes the weeks that I’ve been dreading. I think I’m going to have to have surgery before the end of this month. I’ve been pushing it off, but my shoulder has been giving me problems and I don’t think it will last through all five years of residency. I hate this, the fact that I have spent virutally every bit of vacation since starting college having surgery, but I’d rather not face the alternative. One day, one day, the surgeries will be over and I can quit collecting scars like postal stamps. That would be nice.

Ellie and I have started on our Letter Game! I’m so excited. I got the task of writing the first letter, and therefore creating the characters and the world that our game would take place in. Of course, I had to pick a time that I know next to nothing about–the Celtic world, around 500-600 CE. So if anybody out there happens to be an expert, let me know. 🙂 Google can only tell me so much.

It snowed here. About a foot up in the foothills, 5-6 inches in the valley. I knew it was going to happen. My beautiful magnolia blossoms had just opened and looked so pretty and pink–which was a sure sign that a freeze was coming. It’s happened every year, every year. The poor things just don’t do well in this climate. I love spring storms though, they’re probably my favorites. The snow is wet, with huge flakes and love the contrasts of colors and white. It’s not quite as cold and one can hold on to the promise of warmth much easier than in the dead of February.

I think I’ve pretty much decided to hold off buying a house until after I move and get settled in Milwaukee a little. I don’t know the area very well (i.e. at all), and I want to not feel rushed in my decision on the house–it’s a huge commitment and I want to be happy with my place. Plus, with surgery, I won’t be able to drive for several weeks and that makes house-hunting difficult. So, I’m looking for an apartment instead, one with a month-to-month lease, and after a few months, I’ll make the decision then.

I’m sitting here watching them award Steve Martin win the 2005 Mark Twain prize. It’s actually pretty humerous. I can’t say that I’ve really considered myself a huge Steve Martin fan, but I gotta hand it to the guy–thirty years in the business and he’s still going strong.

I’ve rambled long enough and probably should get to bed. 🙂 Night all.

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5th April 2006

Rec me, I rec you

There will be a real post too soon, I promise (no, I’m not avoiding LJ like last week, I just got super busy. And unfortunately, it’s the boring kind of super busy that wouldn’t be the slightest bit interesting to read about). But until then:

Snagged from eponine119:

Rec-Go-Round: Rec me ONE story you’ve written that you’re proud of, any fandom, any genre, here on my LJ.

Then go forth and ask the same in yours.

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