Highlights of my weekend:

• Getting lost in a town of about 2000 people. Three times. (Even funnier is the fact that I got lost in the same town two months ago when I went to the medicine retreat).
• Arriving (finally) at the cabin, and realizing that David (aka DateBoy) was there who I hadn’t seen/talked to since the date. He jumped up to talk to me very shortly afterwards. Very cute. I think there were some pretty intense eye connections during the weekend. *squashes optimism*
• Jared (in the middle of a conversation with two other people): “You look really cute today. That outfit, your hair, the glasses… yeah.”
  Me (staring and blushing, because yes, this is the same Jared: Um, thanks *am lame*

• The first five minutes of Transformers. Which as a movie, is almost as lame as me. 🙂 *pounds down optimism*
• Aaron has the prettiest teeth.
• Tramping out into the woods to star gaze with Tracy and Jonathan.
• Pajamas and gossip while lying in sleeping bags. Haven’t done that since girls camp.
• Early morning walk, kicking the leaves and enjoying the sunshine as it filtered through the trees. It may have only been 100 yards from the freeway, surrounded by summer homes, but at least I could pretend that I was in “nature.”
• The best breakfast I’ve ever had. The eggs! *mouth waters*
• A rambling but short walk in the woods with David who referred to our date a total of three different times. Because of that, I asked him over for Thanksgiving dinner, which may or may not happen. *stomps on optimism*
• Giggling, laughing bonding with some of the most wonderful people around. I love my ward!

(For a glimpse of the weekend, see here. There may or may not be photographic evidence of my date.)

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The other highlights of my weekend included being on call. With a migraine so severe that I almost started vomiting during a physical exam. Luckily, I managed to get some tylenol, ibuprofen and aleve AND take a short nap at 9 pm (until one of the patients decided to develop a heart attack and demand my attention). The night was busier and I only got another hour of sleep, but at least I wasn’t overwhelmed. It was manageable. I like manageable.

Oh, and I bought new curtains for my living room, a dark red that is thin enough to allow the summer light through, but thick enough for privacy. Once the room gets painted on Saturday, I think it’s going to be gorgeous. I’m so excited.

And I got new pants. That too is very exciting.

Life has been super busy and super boring. I think it’s all because super cute intern has moved on to greener pastures and I’m mourning. 🙁 While it may not have been true love, it was definitely TrueLust and made the entire month survivable and entertaining. The intern who replaced him is a girl and therefore not interesting.

CuteIntern’s facebook profile reads this: “Custom has made dancing sometimes necessary for a young man; therefore mind it while you learn it, that you may learn to do it well, and not be ridiculous, though in a ridiculous act.” Soulmates. Srsly. (Or not).

In more news, I have not talked to DateBoy since said date. I’m thinking about calling DateBoy and inviting him to my house for Thanksgiving dinner, which may be the most forward thing I’ve ever done. Or not, because I keep changing my mind.

I’ve put on weight this month because of all of the stress. And the easily available candy at the nurses station. I haven’t worked out in a month. So much for the plan to be down ten pounds for Christmas, so I could finally, finally have a vacation without my mother mentioning how unhealthy I look.

I’ve had some very difficult patients that I’ve had to deal with that have sucked compassion out of me. I’ve realized that I hate treating migraines. But to make up for it, I’ve had 3 of the loveliest patients, including two who have made a romantic out of me again, because they (and their spouses) have proved that true love really exists.

My next day off is Thanksgiving, which happens to be my birthday. I haven’t had a day off since the 28th of last month. I get four days off in a row to make up for it. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to come back.

I’ve been on call every Tuesday except one since the last week in September. Tuesday is clinic day, which means I have to see all of my patients before 8. Since I really shouldn’t be in before 7 (therefore, having enough time to go to noon conference the next day and not break the ACGME 30 hour rules), it makes the morning incredibly hectic. What makes them even more fun: all of those Tuesdays, except for one, my team has been post call. So I have to hurry through clinic (where I always get behind), race through lunch, so that I can go upstairs and admit the 3 ER patients, learn about the NICU transfers, follow up on the stuff that the other intern wasn’t able to complete, write my own patient notes that I didn’t get to do in the morning, discharge the half dozen patients of the intern’s (because my patients are all rocks which I collect) and then start getting pages every 30 seconds on 3 different pagers. Yeah, I loathe Tuesdays. Only a year left of clinic!

The best part: I’m still on call every Tuesday until the middle of December. And every weekend except Thanksgiving.

I’m still trying to remember why I loved neurology. I think I need to see David Renner when I go home so that I can be reminded. It’s probably pathetic that when prospective interns come and interview here, I end up gushing about Utah more than the program here.

Susan and Bobby and Allison are coming for Thanksgiving. I’ll be cooking something delicious, I hope. Should I ask DateBoy or is that really weird? I think I need more furniture if I do.

I spent the evening reading old Gilmore Girls fanfiction. Mostly general stuff, featuring townies, and it made me realize once again what a brilliant, wonderful show it once was.

I’m going to the opera next week with two of my girlfriends, Kristen and Erika. The Merry Widow. I was very excited when I first heard about it, because from the radio ads, it sounded like it was the translation that I fell in love with in high school. Alas, my sleuthing has proven that it is not so (although I think it’ll be better than the San Francisco version), but I’m still ecstatic about it. I’m dressing up. I can’t wait.

I’m also having a painting party involving my living room next week as well right before the opera. Need to clean the place before before then, I think. And I need to buy paint. And moth balls.

I’m totally addicted to this blog and have wasted away more of my evening reading her archives and laughing so hard I almost started vomiting.

I’m going to be 29 in 2 weeks. And I think that’s enough to stop any more random musings.

I’m so sorry. I forgot.

You were such an enigma of symptoms that I got caught up in working you up, and then when it took me so long to get all of the different consult teams involved, it almost became a comedy of errors when I came to see you in the morning. “Sorry, Radiology thinks we need to get this one test, Surgeon X thinks that it’s too small to biopsy, Team Y doesn’t think it’s anything serious.” I was so excited when I got the right people to see you, the right consult, the right tests. Things came together. I got the tissue and sent it off to pathology and was excited when finally, after weeks of uncertainty, I had the diagnosis.

Melanoma. Finally, I could call in that last consult to hematology/oncology and start you on the right treatments. Until I realized. Metastatic melanoma. Stage IV. There were no treatments that could cure you. You, young and healthy, you are going to die and I can’t do anything to change that.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you that you are going to die. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you that there isn’t a cure. I know that I failed you as your doctor by being less than honest, by leaving that task to the cancer doctors. I couldn’t do it, because I had already sat in the team room and cried and there was no way that I could maintain composure if I had been the one to say the words. I’m sorry, because suddenly this was personal and all I can think of is the two little kids you’ll leave behind and the fact that with your limited days, you had to spend too many of them in the hospital, waiting for us to do the detective work and I had been so flippant and rushed in my morning assessment that I forgot that we are human and frail. Maybe that’s the hardest part of all.