I went to Hawaii last spring, one of the first real vacations I’ve had in years (most of my vacations have been traveling home or to Arizona to see family). I was so lucky to get to go with my dear Susan and her husband, not only because it was a chance to spend time together, but because they also understood and completely supported my need to get my fangirl on.

It’s been 10 years since it first debuted and four years since it left the air, but there were still many, many remnants of old filming locations of LOST. We were staying on the northern side of Oahu, in a town where many of the flashbacks/forwards/sideways were filmed and I found myself a google map and tracked down as many as I could during our stay. There were a few big ones that I missed, like hiking to the lighthouse and going to the bamboo forest. Luckily I have a friend who lives in Hawaii, also a Lost fan, who has promised to take me anywhere when I come to visit again. I just started rewatching Lost in honor of its 10th year anniversary (wut), and it’s been even more incredible because I have now actually been there.

(You can see pictures of my Lost escapades here, although I need to label the locations).

I’m afraid that this activated my travel bug. Now I’m itching to go all over. I have a friend who just moved to Japan – and she’s wanting to go to Italy this summer; another friend is making plans to go to Japan in the spring. Greece is on the list. As is England, and Cape Town in South Africa. And. And. And.

Not to mention my fandom must-sees. New Zealand for LOTR, which needs to be soon since they are finished up with the Hobbit. And I just stumbled upon this, and oh my word, I absolutely have to go on a location tour for Anne of Green Gables. Have to.

I better get that passport renewed, eh?

I am almost, almost ready to go back to real life. I could have done with another day or two (or week) off, but this was enough to recharge my batteries and dust some of the fatigue and bitterness off my shoulders.

I got semi-lost coming home, as I was on my cell-phone pretty much the entire way and thought I had missed a turn in a construction zone (I didn’t, it was just not marked), so I spent an extra hour driving through the moon-lit fields of rural Wisconsin. I was the only car on the road and at times it felt like I was the only human in existence. It was a lovely detour. I forget how much my soul craves the solitude sometimes.

I’m on call tomorrow… I suppose I should be getting some sleep now, eh?

Plans for this weekend:

• visiting the library
• going grocery shopping
• watching episodes of LOST
• getting Alice (the babe) to warm up to me (it’s been a few months since I last saw her, but maybe she’ll remember me?)
• taking pictures of the babe (first chance to really play with my camera. Could I ask for a better subject than a two-year old’s grin?)
• sewing my regency dress
• cooking and consuming delicious food
• E-fest amateur electric plane festival!! (a pylon race! helicopter crashes! combat! night-flying!)
• staying up way too late talking and opening up my heart
• remembering exactly why Susan has been my bosom friend for so many years (almost 12 years)

This was exactly what the doctor ordered. 🙂

Winter and I are not friends this year. Not only did I spend hours on Friday shoveling my car out and snowblowing my paths, it then snows another five inches and has blown for the past 24 hours to the point I can’t see any of the sidewalks anymore. I have to be up at 6 tomorrow to give myself time to shovel again before work.

Susan posted about the ball and all of the fun that she had on her blog. Isn’t she beautiful? I’m still very wistful at the lost opportunity.

My weekend wasn’t that bad. Erica came over yesterday, we did some last minute shopping at Target, got some yummy noodles and then sat down to watch the 5 hour version of Pride and Prejudice (swoon). I wrote out some of my Christmas cards (they’ll probably be mailed on Tuesday, so won’t be arriving until after Christmas) and then tried to piece together the pattern I had bought for the dress. Since it was a last minute decision, I had bought the pattern online as an instant downloaded pdf, which I then printed out to tape together. It was a nightmare getting everything straight and aligned and in the end, not only did I discover that the last row had gotten off alignment, I had only printed off the pattern for skirt– I still had the entire bodice pattern to tape together. At this point, we finished the movie and ran to Walmart to buy the commercialized version. Much easier to deal with.

I’ve since washed the fabric and poured over the instructions. Tomorrow (after work) I hope to start on the bodice toile: cut out the pieces for the bodice lining and fit it to the right size. It’s going to be hard doing it without an assistant to pin but I haven’t found anybody here who had a mother who insisted that they learn to sew as I had (I appreciate it, Mom).

I’m glad that I switched patterns, by the way. The original pattern sized up by 2 sizes from what I normally wear; it was quite distressing. The new pattern is more accurate.

I’ve been really getting into sewing and quilting blogs recently. Two of my favorites are actually surgeons: Suture for a Living and The Stitching Surgeon. Both of theirs tend to showcase their creations rather than providing tips or patterns, but it certainly has hit that little creative bug that has been dormant since high school.

And now I’m off to bed. 6 is going to be coming very very early.

I’m so tired, physically, emotionally, that as soon as I finish typing this, I’m going to bed.

I’m hoping that the extra sleep will make tomorrow go by a little easier. I got extremely emotional about a patient and the unreasonable stubbornness and stupid surgical pride of his attending today and just about lost it. I’m just frustrated because the family members have expressed their wishes and the patient’s wishes, but because the attending differs, well, then. The attending’s ego will be bruised for a days, but it’s the family who will have to live with the consequences and it infuriates me.

I’m not sure if critical care is for me. And for entirely different reasons than when I first started this month.

***

My christmas cards are going out this weekend, so if you want one, send me your address at jcd1013@gmail.com or reply to this post.

***

Also, I think I left my half-eaten burrito on the back of my car. Poor little burrito…

Felt like wasting time. I have to go to bed now, because I’m on call yet again tomorrow, and am still feeling sleep deprived and we’re rounding early. (As an aside, it is supposed to snow all day tomorrow, meaning I have to dig myself out again post-call before I can sleep. And more head traumas as people slide on slick roads which translates to more 4 am consults from neurosurgery when they decide that they don’t want to operate after all with means less sleep. Am somewhat bitter at Mother Nature who is not doing a great job of nurturing right now.)

1. Started your own blog (I have several right now. Most are just mirrors of my original livejournal, but I do have my own that will be revealed officially to the public as soon as WP 2.7 is released and working properly).
2. Slept under the stars (Several times)
3. Played in a band (I jammed with my 8th grade guitar class but I don’t think we ever made a band)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
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Once, I danced. Mondays and Wednesday mornings. Thursdays at the Naval Science building. Saturdays at the Murray Arts Center. Beginning ballroom. Latin. Swing. My favorite was the Tango, the sultry dance where the movements came from the hips, the directions from the heart. I never was very good, my moves were too clunky and I never had enough trust in my partners to ever let go of control completely, but during the tango, I could close my eyes and pretend, for just a few minutes that I was a sexy, graceful dancer in the smoky streets of Argentina.

Yesterday, listening to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra perform the Bandoneón Concerto, I felt transported back to those days. The hum of the bandoneon (a modified accordion) blended with the violin and cello and occasional oboe and infused in my veins. My heart beat the time.

Today, I drove my friend to our bishop’s house for conference. He lamented that medical school had drained him from being an interesting person, that once he could socialize, converse on a variety of topics, entertain those around him, and now, he was an introvert, a shell of his former self. It’s true, I sympathized, running through the conversations that I had had with the various other medical students and residents that day. “Hi, how are you, what rotation are you on? Who are you working with? Getting any sleep? Had the day off today?” We ran through the conversations like robots, only venturing out on occasions to talk about something else. We had become absorbed into the culture of medicine that we have lost our personalities. I’ve managed to retain a little of my previous life, a play, a concert, a party here and there and thought until last night that I hadn’t done so poorly.

But, once, I danced.

When I was walking up the sidewalk to my garage this morning, I noticed that my back gate was slightly ajar. This was odd. I rarely open my gate because the wood has warped slightly because of all of the snow and thaw/freezes of this past winter and so it doesn’t close without a very good prod. I scratched my brain, trying to recall if I had recently taken out the garbage (I hadn’t). With building trepidation, I opened my garage door. No one was there… but my car was unlocked (I have such a reflex of locking my car door that I have locked my keys in on a few occasions), and looking in, my glovebox was open with papers strewn across the seat

Yep, my car was broken into. Whoever it was didn’t make away with any great loot (I don’t even have a CD player in my car)… but my camera was there, as I had taken it to get pictures of last night’s pool party (which I didn’t even end up taking any!) and it’s now missing and I think they took the little power snow shovel that I bought with the first snow storm that didn’t do anything. But they didn’t break any windows. My car is intact. my lawnmower is safe. My snow blower is safe. The car title and registration and insurance information is all there. They didn’t take my white coat or stethoscope or badges (which would have been a huge issue with concerns of identity theft and security at the hospitals). I had just downloaded all of my pictures from my camera, so I haven’t even lost those memories.

I’ve already let my neighbors know (and have finally gotten introduced, yay!). One of them had an attempt on their garage a few days ago. Another had seen neighborhood kids wandering around late at night, which could or could not mean anything. I wasn’t able to call the police before I left this morning, because of my clinic responsibility (sometimes being a resident really, really sucks).

I’m feeling extremely vulnerable and jumpy now. I’ve always felt completely safe in my house. I have lights in my backyard that practically light up the neighborhood. I have motion sensor lights at my backdoor. Funny enough, there was a security salesman who visited last week, and I was strongly considering getting a security system; I just wanted to research a little more before I committed. I knew that with my schedule and not always being around and living alone, I was at risk, but I had convinced myself that this was a quiet neighborhood, forgetting I think I was ignoring some nudges of inspiration there, will do better next time. 🙂

I’m off to home depot to research home security devices. If anybody has any suggestions (except that of getting a dog) I’d sure appreciate them!

You know what’s more disheartening than find out the guy you crushed on throughout medical school is now married? Finding out, now, that he’s a democrat and a supporter of Barack Obama. DRAT. Single democrat Mormon guys are so exceedingly rare, that if I had realized, I really would have tried to pursue much more than I did. 🙂 (Okay, that might have been an impossibility, save me throwing myself on the hearth and refusing to leave until he dated me)

Actually, I am ecstatic for him and not upset about his nuptials. I had gotten over the crush a long time ago and she seems very nice and just right for him.

But, oh, the lost opportunity.

****

I fly out to Utah tomorrow for a week of vacation. My parents were supposed to come out here, so we could work on my house, but my sister had surgery and is less mobile than anticipated. So instead I’m going home, where I hear that it’s hotter than blazes. Meanwhile, the weather here has been gorgeous for the past 2 weeks–an occasional downpour and then 60-70s with blue skies.

I’m excited to go home. I’m hoping to work on some projects such as transferring my blog (more to come), scanning family pictures, making DVDs out of some beloved VHS tapes that are wearing thin, BBQs, etc.

In the meantime, my ward had planned on coming over and helping me with my place as well. As there was something like 23 volunteers, they’ve decided to go ahead with it, so I’m leaving instructions on what needs to be done. Hopefully, I’ll come back to a smashed up sidewalk, a ditch that runs to front yard, bleached walls and patched window sills. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of all of the help–I know I couldn’t have done it on my own.

In any case, I need to get to bed. Have a lovely 4th, all of you!

Since I started as the senior resident on the wards (ie inpatient medicine) team a week ago, I’ve:

– done 2 lumbar punctures (spinal taps – one of them was on a guy who had a seizure as I was inserting the needle. I did manage to get it, but it was no champagne tap)
– supervised 1 paracentesis (abdominal fluid tap)
– Managed 2 encephalopathic (confused and almost coma-like states) patients who became so because my interns continued home medications that the patients really weren’t on (and should have been on in this hospitalization because of their various illnesses affecting how their bodies metabolize drugs) which I didn’t catch until after we had problems waking the patients up (both are living, one has completely recovered, the other is slowly, slowly, slowly waking up). I’ve agonized for hours over their cases.
– Attempted to work up a patient with the strangest brain lesions I’ve ever seen on MRI, and finally, finally managed to get neurosurgery to get a biopsy, only to have the radiologist call me and state that they thought all of the lesions were “congenital” and didn’t need the biopsy after all. Um, too late, bozo, you could have informed me of your “expert” opinion two weeks ago. Grrr.
– transferred five patients to the ICU, because they all seem to crump the moment I lay eyes on them. (Two of these, I transferred this afternoon. Yeah, there went my plans to leave early as I am very very very close to violating work hour restrictions)
– I’m too tired to remember the rest. All I know is that I’m usually not leaving until after 6 at night even when we’re not admitting patients.

Did I mention that I’m responsible for a team of 18 patients? And that we’ll be admitting 6 more tomorrow?

To add to it all, my attending is very disappointed in my intern’s performance and it’s becoming my responsibility to take her aside. I’m not good at these things, especially when I don’t think she’s quite as behind as my attending does, but I really don’t seem to have any other choice. I’m also having problems with my other intern, as he doesn’t listen to me, barely updates me in what’s going on in his patients and to top it off is very serious and stuffy and I just don’t get along with stuffy. It’s stressing me out, I’m having problems sleeping (I end up dreaming about all of the tasks and problems that are going on)

I had started an entry last Tuesday when I was post-call but satisfied at the smooth transition into being a senior resident. Life was good (even though I was exhausted and irritated at having to admit all of the roll-over patients). I had great interns (including one with the most bewitching eyes and sardonic smile) and a great attending and I was so overjoyed at being back in the medicine department and NOT having to write daily progress notes (the bane of my existence). It was lovely. Even though it freaked me out every day of how much responsibility I have and how much I still have to learn to really effectively direct my interns and students in the care of their patients, I could see how much I’ve learned in this past year (I can be taught!). And my patients, even though they were rocks and refusing to leave the hospital, didn’t sap me of my compassion either. It’s all changed this week. I’m exhausted and weary and I’m tired of feeling the weight of responsibility and (my) ignorance.

In other news, I’m slowly making my way through Season 3 of LOST. I think DVDs are definitely the way to watch this show, the instantaneous answers providing the forest big picture so everything makes sense. Still love Charlie. FInally starting to feel the Sawyer/Kate love. Can’t figure out Locke’s motivation. Didn’t even recognize Boone (Boone! I miss you!).

I didn’t vote today. That’s because Wisconsin’s primary is in two weeks and since I always register as an independent, I will actually get to vote in a primary for the first time because it’s open here. Yay! I could even waste my vote and select between the candidates for the green party if I so chose. So what if everything’s going to be decided by then, I’ll still have my say!

It’s supposed to snow 12-18 inches in the next 15 hours or so. It’s going to be great fun sliding to work, I’m going to have to wake up early to snowblow just so I won’t be completely snowed in. The best part is that it’s been warmish the last 2 days, up to the mid thirties and melted all of the snow, which has now frozen on my sidewalks. If I manage not to kill myself by falling in front of my snowblower tomorrow AND make it to work on time, it will be a miracle.

And on that note, to bed I go.

I did not end up getting a permanent account. I was really having a hard time justifying the expense of it and kept putting it off. I did convince myself yesterday that maybe it wasn’t that much money, but I was on call and that didn’t leave any opportunities to slip away.

I think I probably would have regretted it. I had been counting on the end of the year bonus from work so that I could indulge a bit and discovered that Uncle Sam had taken 40% of it, leaving me with less than what it’s going to cost to take get my medicine license, so I can’t even afford that, which is much more important in the long run. I’m so tired of money issues, so wearied. I was really hoping that with the very small cost of living raise that some of the money pressures that I’ve been drowning in for the last six months would ease, but taxes and insurance are going to suck that all away as well.

*sigh*

On a good note, I’ve completed my last call ever as an intern! Whee! Of course, things really aren’t going to be that much different next year. When I’m in the neurology department, I’ll be a “junior resident” which is really the exact same thing as an intern (still the low man on the totem pole) and when I’m on my medicine rotations, I’ll still have to take call as a senior resident (just not as frequent and I won’t have to write daily notes! Yay!).

And I just realized how confusing my life must be to those of you who actually read this thing. And that I’ve never explained what I’m doing. I have a tendency to assume that people can read my mind, and are really living my life with me (I should have probably outgrown that belief when I was, I don’t know 15 months old. I’m a little behind) So allow for a brief detour.

explainin’ stuff here

Is anybody else having problems with their journal layout? I’ve lost all of my customizations and styles, and have for some reason reverted back to the plain blue generator style. If I have to go back and figure all of that junk out again, I will not be happy.

Bah, it looks so blah.

I really need to get to bed. My paper? Did not get done. Between the extra long therapy session, waiting 45 minutes to get photocopies of pictures for my graduation announcements, waiting another 45 minutes at the doctor’s office to get my PPD read (which of course, I could tell it was negative, but until I get those little initials behind my name in one week, I can’t actually CERTIFY that it was negative–which also means, btw, that I did NOT catch TB in Africa so yay for me!), and the last med school party ever, well… it didn’t get done. *sigh* Which means, I’m going to have an extremely busy day tomorrow.

The party was a good time. Every year, we do a spring BBQ (the meat is well done, so I don’t think it qualifies as a brai) in the park. Every year, there are more and more children running around, being passed around. Our class has been very prolific. It was smaller in attendance this year though, which saddened me a little. I did get a chance to look at the $100 yearbook, which looked very nice with its fuzzy red cover. My parents bought a little ad for me, saying how proud they were of me, which I had not expected. I was a cute kid. 🙂 There weren’t any group pictures of me. At all. I hadn’t realized that I was so asocial during med school. Or so left out.

We’re stopping with that line of thought. It’s just depressing me.

One nice story… one of my classmates was asking about my surgery and mentioned that she almost came in on the case… and then continued to say that she had worked with my surgeon on some orthopedic cases and he had talked about me and “thought the world of [me]”. As I think the same of him, and have strived very hard to impress him and as he was half of the motivation of why I decided to become a physician, it was definitely one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. *hugs my doc*

And I’m out.