(I wrote this on New Year’s and then didn’t publish it. But I felt a strong urge to finish and publish. So.)

2013
January:
-The start of my last 6 months of fellowship. Strange how quickly it seemed to arrive after all.
-Rotation: Anesthesiology. Which went better than the last time, but that’s not saying much. I did about 2 or 3 intubations a day, which made me about as proficient as a first year anesthesia resident, but enough to give me hospital privileges (I still call for anesthesia backup).
– First RealGirl job interviews! I interviewed at Portland Oregon. The interview went really well – I enjoyed the people, the job description seemed like a perfect fit, they liked me, my presentation went well. I had a preliminary job offer by the end of the two days there.
– I then flew to Salt Lake City and interviewed there. The differences between the two programs could not have been more stark. The interviews verged on antagonistic, the department chair had drastically different goals than I did, and it did not feel like “coming home” – I barely recognized the hospital from the 7 years that I had been away. We mutually decided that we were not the right fit for each other.
– Socially, I hug out with my friend Jen frequently. We went to movies and to watch Stanford Men’s Volleyball
– Wicked! First time ever seeing it. Wow. (Until the fire alarm went off in the middle of Defying Gravity – it was a fluke but ruined my favorite song).

February:
-Work: At SFGH on the neurocritical care service. Risk management was called for a different patient about every other day for two weeks. Long hours. Looooong, exhausting hours.
– My attending, who had been my co-fellow the previous year, screwed me over in terms of time off. My friendship with him fizzled at that same time. #correlationequalscausation
– I went to Portland for a second interview and accepted the position. I cancelled my one other interview.
– My car was broken into at the Oakland airport. Nothing was taken, just the lock completely removed. I honestly think that somebody just used it as a place to sleep. I never got the lock fixed, which made getting into my car ever so fun.
– Socially: Virtually nonexistent. My friend Michel and his fiancee Claire came to town – oh, how I missed them. We went to dinner at the best Thai restaurant in SF and our visit was way too short.
– I went to see The Fourth Messenger at the end of February with one of my residents. Lovely musical with gorgeous music by Vienna Teng.

March:
– Still on SFGH neurocritical care. Lots of family meetings and sick patients. I think I worked 22 days straight without a day off (one evening off in that time, the rest of it I was on call). Don’t remember much except an epic argument with said attending above. I was pretty much in charge of everything, and it was nice being able to move into that role.
– Went to Sunstone NW Synposium. A truly lovely day with discussions of progressive religion and meeting wonderful people.
– Did I do anything social? I hung out with my friend Dan and his boyfriend a bit. Dan really became one of my closest friends in SF, despite him being one of my residents (my plans to keep a “professional relationship” aka no friendships with the residents, of whom I was technically in a position of authority died within 6 months because I need friends like whoa).

April:
– Elective this month. I was so burnt out from the last three months that I basically spent it doing paperwork for the new job.
– Social life! My friend Lisa and I went to the Palace of Fine Arts and admired the swans (from a distance as they were nesting). I went to more volleyball games with my friend Jen (she really loves volleyball. I really like men playing volleyball).
– VACATION!!!! Oh, thank goodness for time off. I took two weeks and went on a cross-country trip. Arizona to see my nephews (highlight of the trip: going to the zoo), Milwaukee to see residency friends, down to Illinois to see Susan and then to Pennsylvania to visit with Sam and her brood. By the end, I was ever so grateful for my decision to be child-free but I loved every minute of it.
– I spent a week diligently trying to get tickets to see Darren Criss, only to have them sold out within seconds. I may have cried.

May:
– Rotation: Medical critical care at SFGH. Like last year, this was again my favorite rotation of the year. I worked with some awesome people. It felt like being back in residency in many ways.
– Time definitely started feeling like it was running out in San Francisco. Jen and I went to the zoo and to the movies (Grease Sing-Along!) and to a Giant’s game (I should have gone to more baseball games).
– I SAW DARREN CRISS IN CONCERT. A lovely girl from Tumblr gave me her ticket and I had a fantastic time. Well, except for the fact that they confiscated my camera at security. Still bitter.
– Made a new friend: the girl from Tumblr, Jennifer, and I went to dinner and instantly connected.

June:
– Last rotation of fellowship: on the UCSF stroke service. I was pretty much the attending for the first two weeks (my supervising attending actually was out of town for 5 days).
– I missed my own graduation party because of a sick, crashing patient. I think that really sums up my training.
– I flew to Portland to look for an apartment/house to rent. Stressful, so very very stressful, but in the end, I found a cute little bungalow that captured my heart.
– Good-bye bonfire on the beach for my friend Dan. Wearing 4 layers of clothes. Yep, that’s SF for you.
– Went hiking and camping in Calaveras Big Trees State Park with church friends – such gorgeous large redwood trees.
– Marched in Pride again, which was extra awesome because of the repeal of DOMA and Prop 8. Again, such a powerful, spiritual experience.
– Visited with Susan. Sadly, due to many circumstances our visit turned into just an evening together, but so wonderful to reconnect.

July:
– As of July 1st, I was no longer a “physician in training,” but an actual attending. 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, 5 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship to get me to that point. Surreal.
– I had the month of July basically off. I did some board studying, but mostly spent it saying goodbye to friends and San Francisco. Highlights include going to a local karaoke bar (It’s Raining Men has more than just the chorus, sadly), dinner at a Moroccan restaurant where I belly-danced with my friends, dinner with Lisa, another trip to the zoo to see the baby tiger, tour of Pixar, going to the Legion of Honor and admiring the Rodin sculptures and impressionist art (my favorite era) and kite-flying on the beach.
– I moved! The movers came and packed up my stuff and I flew to Utah that afternoon for a few days before we drove the rest of my stuff to Portland.
– I almost rolled the Jeep and trailer in Idaho – when they tell you to put all of the weight towards the tongue, believe them.
– My parents and sister helpd with the move. So good to spend time with them.

August:
– August 1st. Started the new job: Assistant Professor and Attending Physician.
– The first month was spent setting up my office, trying to figure out parking and doing Epic training for the 4th time (seriously, why can’t I test out of this??). Never thought I’d ever get paid for picking out pens from Staples… I do have a fantastic corner office with a beautiful view of Mount Hood.
– Toronto for a weekend to see my friends Michel and Claire get married. Beautiful ceremony and reception. It was the first time I had been to Toronto. I went to a baseball and fulfilled a 20 year wish to see my beloved Blue Jays play.
– I then promptly flew out to Chicago, where I parked my butt in a hotel conference room for 6 days straight for a neurology board review course. So boring, but it did the trick and helped jump start my studying. I did get to go up to Milwaukee for an evening to see my friends.
– Chris, my BFF from med school, came out to Portland to interview for fellowship. As always, his visit was abbreviated, but I did feel like I had healed a bit over the hurt at being excluded from his wedding last year. Our relationship is different, so different and will likely never have the same level of intimacy that it did before. He and his wife had a new baby, Oliver (the irony) in May, so there’s that factor as well. I don’t know whether I want them to move out here or not.
– I bought a car! My dad and I looked at cars when they moved me to Portland. I initially decided to wait, but my little faithful Ford Escort was having more and more problems. I am now the proud owner of a pretty little cherry red Ford Fusion Hybrid. I spend way too much time monitoring the amount of time I’m in the electric mode and recharging the battery.
– The last week in August was my first week on service. It wasn’t as horrible as I had feared. Nobody died unexpectedly (hooray!) and no codes. I struggled with figuring out how to direct a team of medical students, midlevel providers and a fellows from a variety of specialties. I still don’t know how well I’m succeeding.

September:
– I had two weeks off of service to study for the boards. It consumed the majority of my September.
– The test was much better than the previous year. I did not start crying 50 questions into the test, I didn’t almost go home at the lunch break and I didn’t cry the entire way home.
– I reconnected with my friend Shanae! Austenland, an after-performance visit after Les Miserables, lunch at a cafe (Portland has the best Reubens).
– Visit up to Seattle for the weekend to visit Brooke and her family. We visited the Aquarium and Pike’s Market.

October:
– Another week on service, where I was the only one of my partners at the hospital and I was horribly, horribly sick with the cold from hell.
– My newest nephew was born! I didn’t get to meet him but I can vouch for some adorable toes in pictures.
– Weekend drive to the coast of Oregon. Ocean, I missed you!
– I dyed my hair for the first time ever. One of the hardest parts of getting older is having my hair become more and more dull in color. So I paid a heck of a lot of money for highlights and my hair looked exactly the same afterwards. I’m going for henna next time.

November:
– Birthday! I worked that whole week, so my new coworkers brought in treats, mostly pumpkin related. One of my residents made me a pumpkin spice cake.
– Vienna Teng concert. Her new album, Aims, may be my favorite yet and the concert was electric. I got to meet her prior to the performance and may have fawned too much over her.
– Brandi Carlile performance with the Oregon Symphony – amazing. Just amazing.
– Thanksgiving was spent at my bishop (church leader’s house). Nice but dull and I didn’t know anybody. I worked the next 5 nights.
– Chris got the fellowship position. I still don’t know how to feel. I guess we’ll find out in July.

December:
– Neurocritical care boards. Hopefully the last test that I will have to take for 8 years. The test was so terribly difficult. I really fail to understand why, after 7 years of training that I should walk out of a test feeling like a failed every time.
– The pipes froze in my toilet (yeah, don’t ask me how I can move to Portland and deal with frozen pipes for the first time). Am I ever glad to not be a home owner!
– I am starting to realize how much of my career revolves around working with neurosurgeons. Since I made the decision years ago that I didn’t want to be a surgeon, this is unsettling. Work was hard – too many patients with terminal illnesses that I was given futile care to. Too many family conferences.
– Work Christmas party. Where I knew 4 people and mingled awkwardly. The department of neurology is huge and each subspecialty is isolated from each other.
– Portland MoFem (Mormon feminists) Christmas party – so much more my thing. I am so grateful for these people because I feel like I have ready-made friends.
– I had a couple of days around Christmas off, so I spent Christmas at home in Utah, visiting with my grandma and then going to my hometown for Christmas day.
– Back to work for a couple of days, then off to Arizona to see my sister and her kids, where I’m currently at. I have a brand new nephew to admire and shower with love. I’m here for the rest of the week and then to San Francisco for a mini-vacation and a conference.

News and events that were note-worthy:
– The Kenya massacre. Such tragedy to a country that will always have my heart.
– Overturn of DOMA and Prop 8. It was a magical time to be in San Francisco.
– Women prayed in my church’s biannual conference (yes, it’s pathetic that it is 2013 and this is big news. But. It was big news and it made me cry)
– Cory Monteith died on July 13th. I was utterly crushed and grieved for days. I’m still grieving in some ways.
– The Oakland, California and Texas brain death cases. So much misunderstanding about brain death.
– “Obamacare” rollout. I still feel passionately about access to health care and while I still hold out how for a single payer system, this feels like the best temporary solution, but man, I wish it had not been fraught with so many technical difficulties
– Gay marriage is legal in Utah. Legal. In Utah. Being on facebook when the news hit was the best thing ever. I was in med school in 2004 when Amendment 3 passed and it was the first time that I faced the question of what would I do when the beliefs of my church and my religion didn’t match mine. I wasn’t vocal against it, more just uncomfortable, and was relieved once the election was over. This really was the best news of the entire year – I was so overjoyed to witness the happiness of my friends.

Overall themes: I hate moving. I hate saying goodbye to my friends and to the city that I love. I hate being a stranger in a new place. I don’t transition well. But Portland is lovely and I am falling in love.
– I still don’t feel like I’m ready to be an attending. And yet here I am.
– If I never have to take another standardized test, it will be too soon.
– I am more and more comfortable with my singlehood, more so than any other time in my life. I toyed briefly with online dating once I moved here and then didn’t, partly because of body and emotional issues, but partially because I am baffled as to how somebody would fit into my life – and also because for the first time, I don’t need it. I can foresee a happy life being completely and totally unpaired.
– Faith transitions, even if they’ve been ongoing for years and you still believe to a degree that varies week to week, are painful. Particularly when people are telling you that you shouldn’t even bother.

Books read this year:
– The Book Thief (reread, but I pretty much had forgotten it all. Including the very unforgettable ending.)
– Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein (must read. must read. must read)
– Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell per Becka’s recommendation (if there was ever a book that almost completely encapsulated my college years and my fandom life, this was it. Adorable.)
– Tankborn and Awakening by Karen Sandler (a friend of mine works for the publishing firm and recommended. I enjoyed it quite a bit. The world building was quite incredible. Looking forward to the last book of the trilogy).
– The Fault of Our Stars by John Green (I liked but I wasn’t as in love with this as others.)
– Summer of the Mariposas by Guadalupe Garcia McCall (again recommended by my friend. Not as good as Tankborn).

Movies seen:
Struck By Lightning
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Iron Man: 3 (I haven’t seen 1 or 2)
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Grease Sing-A-Long
The Princess Bride (absolutely timeless)
Girl Most Likely
Despicable Me 2
Monsters University
Austenland
42
Much Ado About Nothing
The Great Gatsby
(Still to be seen: The Hobbit, The Book Thief, Frozen, 12 Years a Slave)

TV Shows:
Glee (Favorite episodes: ‘The Quarterback,’ ‘Love, Love, Love,’ ‘Puppet Master,” ‘I Do,’
Dancing With the Stars (yay, Amber Riley!)
A little bit of Castle, but not consistently

Favorite songs of 2013:
Rihanna (feat. Mikky Ekko), ‘Stay’
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert, ‘Same Love’
Pink (feat. Nate Ruess), ‘Just Give Me a Reason’
Lana Del Ray ‘Young and Beautiful’
Fall Out Boy, ‘My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)’
BOY, ‘Little Numbers’ (it was released earlier as a single, but I’m counting it anyway)
Sara Bareilles, ‘Brave’
Maroon 5, ‘One More Night’
One Republic, ‘Counting Stars’
Darren Criss, ‘Words’
Of Monsters and Men, ‘Silhouettes’
Vienna Teng, ‘Landsailor,’ ‘Copenhagen,’ ‘Goodnight New York’, ‘The Human Experience’ (yeah, I can’t pick)
Bastille ‘Pompeii’

Favorite Glee-Covered Songs
All You Need Is Love
Got To Get You Into My Life
Come What May
If I Were A Boy
Seasons of Love
Make You Feel My Love
This Is The New Year
Piano Man
Marry the Night