and the rain that draw you near makes the beautiful world that we see
The problem with taking some time away from your blog (without actually saying that you are taking some time away) is that you can’t just jump in and fill in with the conclusions of what’s been going on. For example, I had been going to start this entry saying that “I’m doing better now” and realized that since I’ve only had one vagueish entry in the last two weeks, you have no idea that I was doing “poorly.”
I hadn’t meant to take this break. I went through a little bit of a writer’s block and then when I wanted to write, I was way too emotional to write anything halfway resembling coherency.
It’s been a hard week. I’ve been figuring out all of these financial things (and I HATE dealing with money. Honestly, I wish we all would just convert to a system where we bartered with crayons), such as reconsolidating my loans (again), finding out my credit report, finding out how much of a house I could afford. I had a presentation on Wednesday that of course took much more time than I thought it would (but it went well, so yay!) and had all of the responsibilities of the end-of-the-rotation stuff to complete. I had to sign my initial contract for MCW, and I’m also supposed to send them my schedule by the beginning of next week. 8 months of hospitals wards. Three weeks of vacation and only two can be taken together. Do I need to take off an entire week for Sam’s wedding or can I arrange the few days off? Do I want to spread them equally over the year, so that every three months or so, I’ll have a week to look forward too–or have two weeks together where I could actually do something? Et cetera. Et cetera. And so forth.
And then Chris and I started arguing. No, argue is too strong of a word–I can’t come up with any kind of definition for what it was. He said some things, a little more biting and sarcastic and mean, which I didn’t pick up on at first, because they were more mild than some of what he’s said in the past few times I’ve been with him. And he called and apologized after I left. Which should have made things better, but they didn’t, because it just made me realize everything that was wrong with us. I mean, I forgave him completely, but before all of this, he never said anything mean to me. If he teased me, it was good natured and I knew it–there was never that ribbon of malice that seems to tinge the conversations now. Not to mention this whole not speaking about Melissa thing–I thought I was being the good friend by giving him space to talk to me about it when he was ready. Turns out, he is talking to another one of our friends–and hanging out with her when he’s telling me that he has no time to do anything. Me–very jealous. Very hurt.
So, that’s what sent me into my week long depression. But I’m better now. I finished most everything on my “MUST. DO. NOW.” list, which relieved the stress, managed not to think about things that I could fix, and got some sleep. And Chris and I worked out this afternoon (20 pound stationary front rows, baby! I’m improving!) and while we didn’t talk about that fight–things were better between us, back to normal. He actually talked about Melissa and his feelings about what’s going on. I was so relieved that when he hugged me goodbye, I almost started crying. Yep, I’m an emotional wuss. I think that has been thoroughly established here by now.
The jealousy thing is getting a little better too. I’m still hurt that while I thought she was a friend of both of us, I’m getting left out of things, but I’m not having the stabbing thoughts that I’m getting replaced and will be Last Year’s Model long before the move to Wisconsin happens. And that’s a much better feeling.
So anway, I’m winding down on medical school. I have six weeks left–2 weeks of research/paper writing, two weeks of class (I’ll be also taking a Wilderness Medicine class then and will be able to tell you how to treat that snake bite!), and then 2 more weeks of the research/paper. That’s it. The research thing is kinda worrying me — I’ve known about it for months and have been trying to brainstorm what I could do without much luck, and I want to get everything done in two weeks, so that I can have surgery during the last two. That would be the perfect timing, so I could be fully recovered by the time residency starts. I see my doc on the 10th of April–I should know better then how I can fit everything together.
I’m taking a “Basic Life Support” class tomorrow (I need “Advanced Life” for residency and you have to have the basic first). It’s rather amusing that I’ve gone through all of medical school and never been formally trained on CPR or anything–I mean, I know it, but I’ve never had to pass it off and become certified, until now. Melissa’s taking the class as well–it’s the first time that I will have seen her since the New Year’s. I have no idea what to say to her. Not a one.
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No life support training? And here we were trusting you to handle injuries if the lions bit us! 🙂
{{{hugs}}} for the drama with Chris…
I guess we’re just really lucky then! 🙂
And thanks. {{hugs back}} I know that much of it can be chalked up to my overacting tendencies, but there has been something weird. I should have expected it–I mean, I wouldn’t be normal if my fiancee brought up with me. But hopefully, a few things have been cleared up and things will be better.
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Aw. {hugs} I’m sorry things have been tough lately, Jules, and that I’ve been too swamped with my own issues to be much of a friend. I’m glad things are looking up now though.
I know things with Chris are tough, but I can tell you that when someone is hurting – really, really hurting – they can easily lash out at anyone, even people they clearly love. I think, in a way, those are the people they need to lash out at because they know they’ll understand in the end and withstand it. So don’t take anything he says too personally. He’s going through a rough time, and I’m sure he just doesn’t know how to handle it. (Heh. Even The Almighty Chris can’t always be in control. -wink-)
As for the school stuff, it sounds like you’re handling it all very well.
And, hey, did you get that crayon thing from me? Because I’ve been telling people my “crayons should be $” theory for years. Weird!
Hon, don’t worry about it. Your heartaches have been much much much bigger than mine–mine was more of the “suck it up and get over it” kind of thing. And you have definitely needed to focus your attention on the two of you and didn’t need me to worry about as well.
And that’s part of what he said when he apologized, that he was taking things out on me. I try not to take it personallly–but I always take everything personally and melodramatically. 🙂
I’m sure it was from you that I got the crayon thing! I don’t usually come up with things original.
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It’s just occured to me that we could have seen each other and not known it depending on what hospitals in the valley you actually work at. I don’t want to ask you to reveal information you’re not comfortable with, but if you want to or if you want to on my journal or something, I’d be interested in knowing just because in late December and January I was in two of the hospitals in UT valley and I was curious.
I’m sorry to hear you were doing poorly… sometimes life takes twists and turns we never expect and it’s hard to express feelings. There are times, particularly lately where I have felt like my feelings and thoughts are better left unwritten, or unexpressed because I have felt like withdrawing into a shell now and then. I sincerely hope that you begin to feel better soon, more and more.
I was also wondering, where might I find some of your writing that I could read for pleasure?
Well, I don’t think we met then. I wasn’t working at any of the hospitals here then. December I was interviewing, and January I was in Kenya. But I normally work at the U and LDS and Primary’s.
I used to reveal a lot more, but since I made my journal public, well I got more worried about being stalked by those not on my friends-list (my flist is more than welcome to stalk me any time!). We’ll see how long I go before I decide to screen this comment (I didn’t reveal anything too much I think).
And thanks. I know it’s been a hard time for you as well, so I appreciate your insight. I wish I did better at describing my feelings.And like you said, when things get tough, I become a hermit and withdraw, even from the virtual world.
I am doing better. Much. I just have some lingering doubts that are making things uncomfortable, but they should pass soon.
*blush* Well, all that I’ve written is fanfiction. Do you read fanfic? I’ve written drabbles for the LOTR fandom and stories for Gilmore Girls. On the top of my LJ page is a link that says “My Fiction.” There’s most of my stories (I think there’s one that’s on LJ only… I’ll track that one down if you’re interested.) All of my drabbles should be listed under the tag of “drabbles.”
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Oh you don’t need to reveal anything more than you feel safe doing so. I haven’t been to those hospitals, but I have recently been to Shriner’s … about one of the few you didn’t name 🙂
I’ve read a few things that are fanfic.. but I like it better if I know the person that wrote it because I can usually understand it even better. OHHH Ok I’ll look at that link.
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I hope you’re better!