I feel 130% better than yesterday. Woke up this am with barely a cough, the sore throat decreased to a slight nag and no ear ache! No need for antibiotics after all. Life is sweet again.

Or at least, until I started going through the licensing paperwork again so that I can become a RealDoc™. I started working on it back in April, got overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and let it sit and mold. Oops. Paperwork is still there, and now there’s all the pressure to get it done and get it done now. It’s so confusing, so expensive (I’m out $1000, just looking at the application), and the amount of stuff that I need notarized is crazy. I guess it’s good that I have to go through this, to prevent any Joe Blow from pretending that he’s a physician, but ugh. I have to have it all done by December, and it take “30-60 days for processing” which, I’ve already learned the hard way, is Wisconsin 60 days: 60 days plus 30 days to decide if we need to audit and 10 more days to tell you that we’ve audited and 30 days to audit and another 30 to tell you that we’re done auditing and 3-4 weeks for shipping (stupid Wisconsin Tax Revenue. Still waiting for my tax refund here). So that doesn’t leave me with a lot of time.

Off to the grocery store. I’m finally feeling up to making all of my Indian and Thai food so I need to get the rest of the ingredients. Ta!

Thanks again to all for the good, healthy wishes!

I’ve finally decided that after 8 days, I am really, truly sick and most likely have either strep throat (my throat developed plaques today. Nice!) and an ear infection and need antibiotics. Of course, I make this decision at 10 pm, after all of the walk in clinics and pharmacies are closed, so I can’t do anything about it until tomorrow. Where I still have to go to work and won’t be able to see a doctor/get those antibiotics until sometime tomorrow evening. The thought of dealing with this ear/throat pain all day tomorrow is making me cry…

This folks, is why doctors need doctors of their own. Because while we take excellent care of our own patients, we’re pretty lousy about taking care of ourselves. I’ve tried to convince myself all week that it was just a cold and ignored that voice inside that said “maybe not” when my symptoms didn’t quite match up.

*BIG HUGS* to those out there in friendsland who are going through difficulties. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you as I should have, but you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

I’m so tired of being sick. I’m on day 7 of the Killer Virus and it really hasn’t gotten much better. The fevers/chills/hallucinations are thankfully gone but I’ve still got the burning throat, aching ears and hacking cough and the Dayquill aint’ doing nothing. If I didn’t know in my little doctor heart since I don’t have a fever, exudate, lymphadepathy I don’t have a serious infection, I’d seriously be considering writing myself some antibiotics. And possibly some guaifenesin with codeine. I splurged on NyQuil since I finally will be able to sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully, a full night of sleep will turn me into a new person. But I swear, if it doesn’t improve by morning, I’m going to be one of those awful people and drop by the ER for a nonemergency, to get a rapid strep done.

Chris call this morning with the offer of visiting. I looked around at my pile of used kleenex (a word to the snifflers. Splurge on lotioned, brand name Kleenex. Your nose will thank you), dishes and dirty clothes and begged off. 🙁 Hopefully he’ll have the entire weekend off next weekend and we’ll find a festival or something to experience.

I lurched myself off the couch at some point and tracked down a Oriental market, where I have bought supplies so that I can make Tom Kha Gai soup, Larb, Chicken Saab, and Chicken Masala and fresh spring rolls over the next several days. So excited. Why the sudden urge for Thai/Indian food?? While I’ve been convalescing, I’ve gotten pretty involved in reading this blog: Six in the World, which is about a fix who took a year off and travelled around the world, which sounded pretty amazing. As in, I almost started planning my trip, until reality set in again. Yeah, won’t be doing that for many more years to come. I started getting really hungry when they were talking about all of the great Thai food and the Thai cooking classes, which caused me to remember the spices that Chris had brought back for me from Thailand and the recipes from his cooking lessons… so now I’ll be making Thai food and experimenting with Indian. Yummy!

And the last thing, before I drift off (hopefully) in drug-induced sleep. I have an infestation of fruit flies. Darn things are smaller than the holes in my screens. Any ideas of how to get rid of them??

I’ve got my fourth migraine in 10 days.

The news about the shooting in Utah ate at my soul all day. I lived a mere 4 blocks from the mall, went to the movies there, ate at Red Rock Cafe, and danced in the foyer. Everwood was filmed there once… I watched that episode this summer and got homesick. The water tower changes lights depending on what the weather will be. So many memories. The news makes it sound like it was this large, impersonal shopping mall, instead of the small, historic collection of shops. That violence and senseless hate could touch my hometown is unfathomable.

Prayers to the victims’ families.

Heads you lose. Tails they win.

I had a mini-breakdown today.

Not a major one–there were only a few tears and just a little bit of alkalosis lightheadedness from hyperventilating–nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a evening spent with my favorite doctor, Hawkeye Pierce, couldn’t fix, but it’s the sign of “things to come.”

And all because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life–and this feeling of dread that I’m messing everything up.

I went to the school today–to change my schedule so that I’m doing my Sub-intership in Internal medicine in October, instead of January like I had originally planned, and to talk to the neurology coordinator so that I could figure out what exactly I’m doing for my rotation in 10 days.

I got my schedule fixed–but to change it like I did meant that I’d be doing my rotation at a different hospital than where I had hoped–which means the letters of recommendation that I could get won’t be as good because they don’t have the necessary “prestige” and name recognition.

The neurology person wasn’t there, so before heading out, I went to our student lounge to check mail and email. A notice in my inbox informed that my registration had been processed and I was now $100 cheaper and able to complete the Neurology match.

I’m not even sure if I want to Neurology anymore. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is fears that are choking me, because four months ago, I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. It could be the acrid “great enthusiasm, worked on weekends, interested in the field” evaluation that I got from my attending professor–the same attending that I am to meekly beg for a letter of recommendation. Or the fact that while everybody I worked with in internal medicine are turning circles around me, trying to convince me that that is the field I want to be in, I’ve just received indifference from the neuro folks. “Oh you like neurology. Oh, that’s interesting.” Or have I just forgotten how much neuro fit me–how much it excited me, because it’s been almost a year since I did the rotation.

I liked my internal med rotations a lot. At first, I blamed that on my extremely cute doctor (who is still very cute and apparently still single. So why do I feel like a junior high student with a crush on her teacher??), but the second time around that was not the case, and I still liked it. But do I like it as a career? Or am I considering it because getting letters of recommendation won’t be quite as painful from them.

I hate waffling. I hate this sick feeling in my gut that tells me that time is running out and the decision needs to be made. If I just flipped the coin, would I feel better?