For better or worse, I matched!

Chris called me at 5:50 this am (!!!) asking me where I had matched. As I had stayed up late and then tossed and turned for hours, I was pretty blurry eyed and groggy. But I logged on the computer and there were the results. No fanfare, no congratulatory email from the department (it was 4 in the morning pacific time, so I guess that’s not too surprising), just results that had probably been released at midnight. I was rather stunned to just see them there – the past few days, I had had the habit of clicking on the “match results” link to test if they were accidentally released, so I was used to the curse “please check again” webpage. I had promised Chris that he’d be the first to know–I think it dawned on him faster than me what the results were!

As always, my emotions are in turmoil. I’m super excited and ecstatic and happy, and then the other side of me is shell-shocked and grieving at the thought of moving and leaving behind this life that I’ve created here. I’m happy here, even with the crazy snow storms and muggy heat. I love my house, I love my friends, and the thought of leaving that terrifies me.

I’ve joked before that The Match is very much like a marriage ceremony, albeit a rather sadistic one (even in arranged marriages, you at least know the name of the person to whom you are vowing). By submitting the list, I tell whoever selects me, that for better or worse, I’m committed and that I’ll pick up my life and become theirs. I knew when I submitted the list that I would be leaving Milwaukee. As much as I’ve loved being here, this isn’t the place that I wanted for training. The program director belittles and torments when he’s not a in good mood, which is not something that I want to endure for two years. I wanted a place where I would have women mentors and colleagues, which I couldn’t get here. So I chose to go elsewhere, just like I chose to come here for residency, leaving my comfy life behind. I grieved then, and I’m grieving now, between the smiles of elation.

I submitted my match list last night, while I waited in my basement to see if a tornado would land on my house (it didn’t but it touched down a few miles southeast – first time I have heard the tornado sirens). I had submitted it last week, when I was “experimenting” with the site and discovered that contrary to the advertisement, you could not easily edit the list. In fact, in order to edit, I had to contact the match organization and demand that they delete the list and then start all over again.

I double and triple checked my rank order before submitting it last night, thereby sealing my fate. I then wrote my top 3 places last night, confirming that they had the necessary information to rank me, should they wish. The director of my top place emailed me back this morning stating that they had “ranked [me] quite high,” which could mean something or not. I hate that we have to use this stilted language to communicate, so we don’t break match rules.

So now begins the waiting game. Just one week, I keep reminding myself, but this week feels like it’s going to last an eternity.