For better or worse, I matched!

Chris called me at 5:50 this am (!!!) asking me where I had matched. As I had stayed up late and then tossed and turned for hours, I was pretty blurry eyed and groggy. But I logged on the computer and there were the results. No fanfare, no congratulatory email from the department (it was 4 in the morning pacific time, so I guess that’s not too surprising), just results that had probably been released at midnight. I was rather stunned to just see them there – the past few days, I had had the habit of clicking on the “match results” link to test if they were accidentally released, so I was used to the curse “please check again” webpage. I had promised Chris that he’d be the first to know–I think it dawned on him faster than me what the results were!

As always, my emotions are in turmoil. I’m super excited and ecstatic and happy, and then the other side of me is shell-shocked and grieving at the thought of moving and leaving behind this life that I’ve created here. I’m happy here, even with the crazy snow storms and muggy heat. I love my house, I love my friends, and the thought of leaving that terrifies me.

I’ve joked before that The Match is very much like a marriage ceremony, albeit a rather sadistic one (even in arranged marriages, you at least know the name of the person to whom you are vowing). By submitting the list, I tell whoever selects me, that for better or worse, I’m committed and that I’ll pick up my life and become theirs. I knew when I submitted the list that I would be leaving Milwaukee. As much as I’ve loved being here, this isn’t the place that I wanted for training. The program director belittles and torments when he’s not a in good mood, which is not something that I want to endure for two years. I wanted a place where I would have women mentors and colleagues, which I couldn’t get here. So I chose to go elsewhere, just like I chose to come here for residency, leaving my comfy life behind. I grieved then, and I’m grieving now, between the smiles of elation.