loss of a dream
I think I’ve lost the ability to breath.
Erik’s engaged.
Even writing the words hurts more than it should, and I can’t look at them again. I’m just sitting here, blinded by my eternal patheticness.
I don’t know even how to explain how I feel. I shouldn’t feel so strongly. I haven’t seen him for two years and I haven’t been in love with him for a while now. I finally grew past that. I’m not good at letting go, but Erik I’ve never wanted to let go, not completely.
He was my first crush, my first love. I fell for him in the eighth grade because he went to Norway and came back and had all of these exciting stories. He was cute, he was funny, he was super nice to me, treated me as a friend, and I adored him. I knew his strengths, his weaknesses and I loved everything about him. I truly did. Everyone I’ve ever met has been compared to him and has fallen short. I’ve nursed so many fantasies that I knew were pathetic but I couldn’t help myself.
I don’t know him anymore, it’s true… Our lives have diverged and I don’t know if he laughs the same way anymore. But the thing was, he doesn’t know me either, and I’m so different from how I was in high school. I guess a part of me has just always hoped that one day, one day, things would finally align and he would finally see me. That although we had diverged and changed since high school, it would really be what brought us together. I’ve always felt, deep inside and I’ve never been able to get rid of it, that he was “the one.” And when he didn’t get married, when he didn’t date anyone, I saw that as confirmation.
And now he’ll be married in a month.
Part of me is angry too, that once again, love has passed me by, and I am still alone. He’s getting married and he still lives in my home town where there is nobody and yet, he’s managed to find someone. And I can’t even get a casual date.
It’s just adding to this feeling that I’ve been drowning in recently. I haven’t talked for three months to the woman I’ve considered my best friend of seven years. She and her husband came to visit family over the Fourth of July and she didn’t even called me. I’ve called her several times and she’s never returned my phone calls. How do I not take that personally? My friendship with Liz has turned so superficial since she moved out. And Chris… we’re going to be on completely different rotations starting tomorrow for the entire year. How long is it going to take before he’s a mere shadow in my life? I’m scared that I’m losing everybody, that everything that I’ve loved is just delusion. That everything that I’ve felt has just been me, and that people were just putting up with me until they could find an excuse to leave.
I hate feeling pathetic.
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I dont know what to say aside from I’m Sorry. I really do think your first crush/love/heartbreak are something that can never be forgotten. You remember it as if it were bad fish. All I can say is do your best to cope, chocolate usually works for me.
I still have feelings for my first crush even though it’s been a few years, and trust me he wasn’t the best guy. Marissa feels the need to curse whenever I mention his name, I think she’d attempt to kill him if given the opportunity. So while he’s not engaged when he gets into new relationships he feels the need to flaunt it in front of me so I can relate with your feelings a little bit.
And the right guy’s out there. I may be a pessimist about every other aspect of my life but when it comes to guys I always say “he’s out there.” And if there’s a guy for me, there’s one for you. Plus you’re almost a doctor, which is much more impressive than a struggling tv student.
Just hold your head up, deal, and try to get past it. it’ll be hard but you’ll get through it.
Universally guys are known to be dicks, and girls are forced to deal with them, as difficult as they are. Lord knows I’ve had my share of asses. So really all I can say is cope however you cope, hell go watch yourself some Vince Gillian episodes. If Small Potatoes cant bring a smile to your face, than nothing can.
So odds are I said something wrong during this response, I’m horrible at girl talk and advice, but you’ll be fine.
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Gilligan, I dont know why I typed Gillian. I’m an idiot. 🙂
Thanks. I don’t know why you keep saying that you don’t have good advice, because this was so what I needed to hear.
I haven’t thrown myself off a bridge or soaked my pillow with tears, so I guess I’m doing okay, that maybe i really have gotten over him, even though I didn’t think that part of me ever would.
I added you as “educatedtvgeek” to my AIM list–I don’t know if that’s you or not. But I’ll keep my eye out for you.
And Vince Gilligan is da bomb. I worship the man.
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It’s not educatedtvgeek it’s Smurfi456. Yes I realize it’s a horrible name, I was like 10 when I made it.
Dont worry, you’ll feel better.
And yes Gilligan kicks ASS.
-Diana
Okay, you’re added!
Looking forward to talking to you!
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I’m scared that I’m losing everybody, that everything that I’ve loved is just delusion. That everything that I’ve felt has just been me, and that people were just putting up with me until they could find an excuse to leave.
I know the feeling, hun. It’s so tough feeling that way.
I’m so sorry about Erik. For the longest time, I didn’t want my first boyfriend to find someone else… I don’t know how I finally was able to let go. I hope, for your sake, that you’re able to do the same someday.
Just… *hugs you*
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Julia,
I know you are a busy girl, but if you ever get a chance, I hope to talk sometime over AIM. I have you added. My name is MahliaLily21. You and I have too much in common to let this potential friendship go to waste.
*hugs*
Becka
Hey Becka,
I just added you too! So hopefully we can have many delicious chats together.
*hugs back*
Julia
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I’m so sorry, sweetie. {{{hug}}}
As usual, I wish I had something wise and comforting to say, but as usual, I don’t.
I got this feeling last year, in a much smaller dose, when all my friends sort of abandoned me. But I made new friends and you will too.
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I wanna respond to this later but for now: Did you get my email with my AIM name?