At a Mormon feminist retreat this weekend, one of the sessions was about narrating your story and I felt such a longing for the time when I first started this journal, and the bits of my soul that I recorded and preserved. I’ve had spurts throughout my life when I’d attempt to be a great journallingist (compared to being a journalist). In junior high, I poured out my loneliness and crushes and sins into our old computer, saved carefully on floppy disks that I no longer have access to (they’ve either been lost or can’t be opened). In college, I wrote my words in bound books, but sporadically; long, passioned descriptions of the events of my life. Once my car was broken into, and a bag containing my journal was stolen. The absence of my thoughts from that time gnaws on me to this day, more than any other valuables lost. And then gradually, I found myself here, where I opened up and shared my life to the anonymous public and then to friends and family when they discovered my blog.

There’s so many small details from the last five+ years that I have lost because my journalling petered out, memories forgotten. I try to recreate them at the end of the year, but that’s relying on vague Facebook confessions and photos taken, and there are so many holes (also I am bad about getting them done on time).

For much of the last five years, I would open up this journal and try to write, the words stuck beside my inner turmoil about so many things: my faith and how it wasn’t fitting quite right anymore, even though I desperately wanted it to; singleness and trying to adjust to a life that I never thought I’d have; imposter syndrome; anxiety over work, etc, etc. So I didn’t write and it was harder to come back and try to write.

Anyhow. With the slow destruction of LJ and the migration away of so much of fandom, I’ve been hit with nostalgia and with a need to hold on a little longer. So I’m going to try blogging again this month. Yay?

LJ apparently celebrated their 18th birthday (and then sold us all to the dictatorship next to Alaska). I haven’t been here the whole 18 years – but I was sort of shocked to see that it’s been well over a decade – this is my entire 30s and a good chunk of my 20s encapsulated here in fragmented form. No wonder I am grieving at the loss.

Test post – checking out cross posting.

ETA: Okay, that was the sweetest thing ever. I should have switched over to dreamwidth from LJ years ago. Wrote this on my personal blog, used a plugin to cross-post to DW, which automatically cross-posted it to LJ – and the formatting preserved better!

So this happened. 🙂

I, like a good portion of the US, fell in love with Hamilton. I have a small amount of pride that I was one of the early fangirls – when I was in New York City last year, it was about a week before the show went into previews and everybody was talking about it. And then NPR streamed the music when the soundtrack was released – I listened a day or two after that and I was hooked.

“Wait for It” was an instant, soul crushing, soul devouring favorite. I was so sad when the original cast left – alas, I did not listen to my inner, indulgent self and buy tickets last year.

So when Leslie announced a solo album, and then a national tour, and one of the cities was my city. Well.

He opened the show singing Autumn Leaves, which is one of my all time favorite songs, as covered by Eva Cassidy. A couple of Christmas songs, some Nat King Cole, a song from Spring Awakening and a song from Rent (Without You – stunning), and then of course, his three songs from Hamilton. I cried at Dear Theodosia, like I haven’t before. The line “if we lay a strong enough foundation, we’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you” hit me harder than it ever has – I sure hope that this is a firm foundation.

His voice was gorgeous, silky smooth and sexy and stunning. We sat 3 rows from the back of the upper balcony so the view was minimal, but his voice…

We stood in line for over an hour to buy his CD and then have him sign it and he hugged and took pictures with everybody. I told him how much his version of Autumn Leaves meant to me and we gushed briefly about Eva Cassidy.

Such a magical night.

Plans for writing every day sure are thwarted when an election triggers severe anxiety and panic attacks and insomnia and fear. I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to fill in those days. I’ve tried to be reasonable and then every day comes a reminder of what America has really voted – and this desperate prayer and plea that the safeguards of our nation will really protect us.

I am terrified.

I cannot even process today. I’m numb and angry and despondent and distressed and scared and so very, very sad. I’m sure I’m much like many people across the country who were pouring through exit polls to figure out how this could happen today. And I have no further answers.

My moment of fear that this was really happening came early last night, as Virginia and Ohio remained stubbornly red (Virginia turned blue at the last minute). I watched in horror as Michigan and Wisconsin went red and knew it was over, long before they called it. My friend Lindsay came over and we just stared at our respective phones while PBS droned on in the background, too upset to even cry.

Today wasn’t better. I am fearful of what comes next. The ACA/Obamacare is the most heavy on my mind because it directly affects the care I give and my patient’s health (not to mention that my sister is on it and my parents were planning on retiring in a year or so and using it to bridge them to Medicare) and it is likely to disappear into thin air, but when I think of the list of vulnerable people – and when I read Trump’s 100 days proposal which was so extreme and so hateful and will alienate every single one of our world allies, I start crying again.

I do live in liberal oasis. The freeways tonight are shut down with Trump protestors. But I’ve never felt further away from my country. The pundits tell me that that’s how the rural and suburban America has been feeling and I’m straining to have empathy. But for now, I have so much anger that they were so short-sighted to elect a man with no morals, no experience, no policy, who was racist, sexist, narcissistic, whose supporters feed into that mentality and I was blindsided.

Oh God.

I spent the evening tonight going through the Oregon ballot and circling in with blue pen my choices. Some of them were easy decisions (Hillary Clinton for president was a no-brainer), some of the local measures were much more difficult. Have I mentioned before how much I love living in a liberal city, where the politicians talk about how liberal and progressive they are compared to their opponent? it’s such a refreshing change.

I am nervous about the election tomorrow and the projected maps swinging so severely the last couple of weeks have not helped. I joked early on in the election that if the nightmare that is Donald Trump won the presidency, I’d move to Canada – and I do have good friends there who would sponsor me. It would take some exams and licensing, but I could find employment easily enough and Vancouver is beautiful – I could live there happily. But. I’m also a doctor, and as a doctor, it’s in my ethics and my morals to assist the marginalized and the downtrodden. So it’s all empty talk – I would stay and somehow try to mitigate the disaster. At least until the nuclear fallout from when Trump insults North Korea. I hope it won’t come to that.

I held three family conferences tonight (two with the same family). One was drama filled – a very emotional family, with lots of back history, with multiple family members who disagreed with the actions of the decision maker, which ended with the decision maker yelling at the other family members. *sigh* In the end I convinced them that pursuing medical management and not doing surgery was still offering a treatment, but I hate to think how the meeting is going to go in a couple of days if Patient doesn’t improve.

My second and third meetings were even harder, as Patient #2 was somebody who I had cared for a couple of months ago. P2 had come in very very sick at that point and I had had multiple conversations with the family then – but surprisingly P2 had done better than expected and doing well in rehab – and then had recurrence of the extreme neurological injury. The family was obviously in deep shock. It was a long night, with many unanswerable questions and I had to convey to them how close to death P2 was – and how they may not survive until morning. It’s worse having a closer relationship with the family – I had buoyed them through times of uncertainty, and now this.

This is the part of my job that I am good at, and in some ways, it’s what drove me to go into critical care. And it’s also exhausting.

I don’t dream about my patients much anymore. I used to through most of residency and fellowship, near nightmares that would keep me just under the edge of consciousness as I ruminated endlessly about the decisions I made that may or may not have contributed to their condition. Those stopped a year or so as being an attending. It helped having another person who took over after 12 hours, that other pair of eyes as backup, but I also have grown more confident about my decisions. I do chart stalk for the first few days after I rotate off, obsessively following up on how things develop and change, before that peters out. And then the cycle begins again.

I have this coming week off-service. Tomorrow will be my “post-call” day off. I have paperwork to do for the hiring process of our fellow joining in January. I’m applying for a teaching recognition and have to write myself a letter of recommendation for my chair to edit and sign (*whimper*). I’m mentoring a resident, who is struggling so I’m meeting with his program director. I’m creating our lecture curriculum for the next half year. And I’m revising our webpage, as it’s almost time for applications for fellowship again. It’ll be a busy week. And then on Monday, I’m back on service in the ICU with my patients and their families. And it begins again.

I’m working nights this weekend. We have six patients on our team, so it was pretty quick rounds tonight. My typing on the desktop computers is somewhat limited by my fingers (it’s not so bad with the laptop because I can tip it just right), so it still took too long to get out of there, but it’s nice having an early night, and an extra hour of sleep tonight. I stayed up way too late last night, because my PA that I worked with is an avid west coast swing dancer, who adores (and has danced with!) Benji Schwimmer much like me, so we went hunting for all of his new and old routines. And now my body is saying that I need more sleep.

I am all the way done with my 2014 and 2015 year summaries! Only 2 years late! Except I can not figure out how to get an album inserted into wordpress, so that it shows the cover picture only, and then when you click on it, it opens the rest of the pictures as a slideshow. I used to use a plugin that was straight forward and did exactly that, but it stopped working with one of the WP updates. Anybody have any ideas of plugins that they like?

Seven weeks ago, I went to a neurocritical care conference across the river from Washington D.C. DC was one of my favorite cities when I was in college/med school – my friend Sam went to law school there and I went out and visited her several times and just fell in love with the city. I hadn’t been back there since she graduated, so I was really excited to get to see the city. They changed the dates of the conference this ear, so I accidentally bought plane tickets for a couple of days before the conference started – which gave me a great excuse to do some touristing.

I took the bus into the city and explored the Capitol Building, which I had avoided my last visits there – I’ve had a pretty profound phobia of tall buildings since I was a kid, which has only improved this last year to my joy and astonishment. So I took a tour of the rotunda and the Old Senate chambers.

After the tour ended, I decided to walk around the grounds a little bit and then meander down towards the Washington Memorial. I walked up behind the Capitol, snapping pictures of what I thought was the Supreme Court Building (spoiler alert – it wasn’t. But the Library of Congress is a beautiful building). And as I was putting my camera away, I missed the curb and wasn’t able to catch myself and fell down hard.

I knew pretty much instantly that I had hurt myself badly. 2 tourists, 1 capitol police officer, 1 capitol doctor and a capitol nurse, another with another couple of capitol law enforcement, 3 firemen and finally 2 EMS personnel later and I found myself having an intimate tour of the George Washington emergency department.

I lacerated my eyebrow (I was wearing sunglasses that sliced right across), requiring 2 layers of stitches and developed a black eye – I walked around my conference for three days looking like a domestic violence victim. And I fell onto my hand and pretty much instantly wasn’t able to bend it. 2 hours later, it was severely swollen and bruised.

That was 7 weeks ago. And I’m still not able to bend my ring and pinky finger. I saw one of the orthopedic providers a week ago Monday – they think there may be a hairline fracture (radiology didn’t call one and I think it’s just a skin fold).

I finally got to see a hand therapist who hooked me up with a brace to stretch my fingers.

I’ve been pretty discouraged as I haven’t felt that I’ve gotten much movement, even using this several times a day, but I went back to the therapist today and I have 5-10 degrees more flexion in both my pinky and ring finger so there is hope.

Being injured has been awful. I haven’t been able to write, shaking hands is excruciating, and I’m not able to intubate (not that I did much before – airways are the one thing that still truly give me nightmares). I’m petrified that I’m still going to need surgery or that recovery is going to take me months (and both are still equally likely).

On the plus side, I now know why my ring finger is so short, thanks to the xrays (I’m sure I have had xrays before – I just wasn’t a doctor then and knew what I was looking at): my metacarpal or the bones in your palm is shorter than it’s supposed to be – I actually have a normal size finger, but the “knuckle” is deeper in the palm. My therapist is actually impressed that I was ever able to make a real fist.

A year ago, a friend and I spent a couple of weeks in Europe (Italy, Austria, Germany – if I ever get my year summary done from last year, I’ll tell you all about it*, which woke up my travel bug that had been lying dormant for years. So when one of my favorite actresses revealed that she was going to be starring in Dreamgirls in the West End and it would be opening around my birthday – well, it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I asked for a couple of weeks off when we were making our schedules back in May and a month or so ago, I bought the plane ticket (for a ridiculously good price, thanks Brexit?).

So far, the plan is to meet up with a friend from Sweden for the weekend and to explore London and we’ll see Amber Riley in Dreamgirls on Monday. We’ll be staying in Notting Hill, in a very cozy and cute little hotel. She’ll leave on Tuesday…

And that’s as far as I’ve planned. I’m hoping to somehow get tickets to Harry Potter and the Curse Child, despite the mixed reviews, but tickets are pretty nonexistent. I’d like to get out of the city and explore the areas nearby, but I’ll be doing it by train and/or bus, so I really need to figure that out this week. I sort of have a hankering to go to Wales. And I’m toying with trying to make this an “Unofficial Jane Austen tour” or a “Unofficial Harry Potter tour” ala my trip to Hawaii and Lost (which was so much fun). I’m half tempted to rent a car – I did that in Germany – but this would be driving on the wrong side of the road with the wrong driver’s side and I’m not sure I’d make it out of England unscathed.

On the other hand, there’s an increasingly likelihood that after next Tuesday, I won’t ever want to return, so maybe getting closer acquaintance with the UK medical system wouldn’t be a bad idea.

For those of you who have been to London or the UK, any advice?

*it’s actually done, I just wanted to add pictures to make it more engaging. And it really needed 2014’s year summary done because they blended together at the end, so I’m working on that one. But it’s harder to remember what I did 2 years ago.

I went to see Beautiful: The Carole King Story tonight, which was really terrific. Julia Knitel was utterly amazing in the lead role (she was the understudy on Broadway). Having season tickets for the Broadway in Portland has been so much fun – except I keep forgetting that I have them. It does have one very big perk: I’ll be able to get tickets to Hamilton next year easy peasy. 🙂

Matt Harding, my favorite traveling dancer, released a new video today which melted my heart. It was just what I needed after this horrible, ugly election season: a reminder that we are all beautifully connected in this world.

Ah, November, that time of year when the days become crisp and brief, and elections destroy my faith in society, and little writers put their pen to paper and attempt to make 50,000 words become a story – and I resurrect my blog in a vain attempt to blog every day.

So. Hi.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. Many things have changed. Many haven’t. I’m still in Portland, OR, where the dream of the 90s is alive and thriving. It’s a city that I adore in so many different ways. I’m still at OHSU as an attending in the neuro ICU – I’m already 3 months into my 4th year there. You’re considered a junior attending for 3 years after fellowship, so I’ve somehow passed that threshold – but I still feel new. I’ll probably write more in the next few weeks about my job as I’ve definitely moved beyond the honeymoon there. I live with my sister in the same cute little house (so far my landlord has not made any more threats of selling it). I’m not dating anybody and since I freaked out when my therapist suggested that I “flirt” a little more, I’m actively not dating and overall, doing pretty good with that. I broke up with my religion, a process that has been more agonizing than my laconic summation alludes. I subscribe to 3 different facebook groups for swing dancing and I haven’t gone once. I’m going to England in 3 weeks for a mini just-for-me birthday celebration. I fell two months ago, and I still can’t bend my fingers but I started doing physical therapy now (I’m not hopeful). I now have three nephews and one niece whom I don’t get to see nearly often enough but delight me endlessly. In short, life is full and overall good.

What’s new in your lives?

January:
– As I had flown back up to Utah with my grandmother (her dementia made it hard for her to be away from home and two days was more than enough), I stayed a day in SLC and spent New Year’s morning with my good friends and their kids. I then flew back to Arizona to spend a few more days with my nephews. We went up to the mountains (my family has an inherited cabin) and played in the snow.
– A Glee friend came out to Portland to visit family and I got to meet her for the first time. We explored the Chinese Gardens and the very early blossoms. It was lovely getting to know her in real life.
– Last season of Glee started. I may have cried. A lot.
– I attempted to fix the LCD screen on my camera. I failed miserably – luckily with no residual scars. On the other hand, all of those little dirt specks got removed.
– Work: I started working on a book chapter on osmotherapy. And I took a leadership course  this semester – it was great to get to know some of the leadership on campus, although it hasn’t been that helpful since its completion.

February:
– I hung out with my friend Lindsay and my sister (Karin moved in with me last year). We went on a Galantine’s date to Salt and Straw, had dinner out a few times and watched glee and other movies together.
– Spring came early this year. I went on a few drives around Portland to photograph the early blooms.
– I started seeing a therapist. It made me realize that my feelings of depression and inadequacy were rooted in an not-quite-meeting-criteria-for-a-DSM-V-diagnosis anxiety disorder. I’m gathering some coping skills, but just having an identity has eased my feelings.

March:
– Karin and I drove to Mt. Hood and then down to Bend, OR. Not much snow on the mountains this year. It was such a beautiful drive.
– Sunday on the beach with Lindsay. It was a warm, perfect day and the waves crashing were rejuvenating. We stayed until the sun disappeared far below the horizon and all of the pink faded into deep purple.
– Looking through my pictures, I really was in love with spring this year. 🙂
– I took a mini vacation and flew down to Los Angeles. There I watched the first hour of the series finale of my absolute favorite show and listened to my absolute favorite actors tell stories about the set and memories. 🙂
– I drove down the coast and spent the next day with my friend, Michelle. We went shopping together and then spent the afternoon and evening on the beach. San Diego beaches are AMAZING. I need to learn how to bodyboard.
– I drove back to Los Angeles and spent a day with my friend, Donna. She’s one of my oldest fandom friends and the last time I had seen her was nearly ten years before. AND THEN WE DIDN’T GET PICTURES. Ugh.
– Series finale of Glee. Karin and I had a party with Lindsay. I cried through the whole thing. It was the perfect ending for my very beloved imperfect show.
– Pi Day!

April:
– Back to southern California. My best friend from San Francisco (Jen) got married, so I flew down a day early to help with the wedding. She was beautiful and it was a lovely wedding. More time on the beach capped off the delightful weekend.
– Karin, Lindsay and I went to the Tulip festival.
– Lost Day! I am such a numbers nerd that it was bliss having to such nerdy dates to celebrate in a year.
– April was hell (see my last entry). My book chapter was due, and I was up for credentialing renewal for the hospital, as well as my first annual review, so there were so many applications and papers due. To top it all off, I found out that I didn’t even have the hospital privileges that I needed to work in the ICU where I’ve worked for over 20 months – it was 3 days of hell while I tried to get paperwork submitted and attempting to find out whether I was at higher risk in a malpractice suit (short answer – probably not, but who knows).

May:
– Northwest Pilgrims weekend up in Seabrook. Such a beautiful area. I was one of the speakers and talked about approaching end of life discussions.
– My friend, Nik, came to town for a conference. We went to brunch and doughnuts. (Mmm, Bluestar).
– Phantom of the Opera with Lindsay!
– My landlord informed me that he was exploring selling the little, completely adorable bungalow in which I reside. Which lead to several days for frantically calling places on craigslist and looking at a couple of houses. In the end, the sale fell through and I’m here for another year.

June:
– My Liz visited! We had a glorious weekend together, which was, as always, too short. We spent one day on the beach and then drove up to Seattle to spend the day with our friend Brooke, where we took the ferry to eat ice cream and then to dinner and the movies.
– Neurology graduation. Where my residents shocked me with a “teacher of the year” award. Still stunned.
– Chris moved back to Wisconsin (Milwaukee, my old stepping grounds). I have so missed him and I am truly grateful for this year that let us reestablish our friendship.

July:
– My parents came to town for the 4th of July weekend. We drove north (I had hoped to make it to Canada but no such luck) and explored Mt Rainer, where I ran into a colleague from UCSF. It was so unbearably hot that I wasn’t up for much hiking. We then drove up to Cascades National Park, which of the national parks in Washington is on the “eh” side. You actually can only hike into the park, because the road follows the river, which because of all of the dams was left private. Ridiculous.
– A weekend in New York City! Darren Criss from Glee was performing in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, so a group of us made plans to see it together. He was amazing – I wish that I could have seen him another time, because I was floored by the performance and the story and the music – I’ll admit it, I only went because he was staring in it, as “rock opera musicals” are not a big selling point for me; but the ballads were incredible. I also went to see Something Rotten which is a Shakespeare spoof and was pretty clever (the songs are forgettable). I met my friend, Stacy and spent a evening with her (dinner and watching The Terminator which I hadn’t ever seen). The weekend was capped with a picnic in Central Park, before we made a mad dash out of the city. I had flown in, but decided to carpool back with some of the women – so we travelled all of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Minneapolis in a day and a half. I then spent a day with Becka before taking a late night flight back home. Whew.
– A friend of mine, Hillary, is a school teacher in Japan. She asked our group of friends if anyone was interested in coming to Europe and I volunteered because I’ve been dying to travel again. We had a marvelous trip together seeing Milan (for a day), Verona, Venice, Vienna, Salzburg, Munich and then surrounding areas in Germany. Some highlights:

• started the vacation by getting lost in Verona on the first day and ended up walking down a very narrow sidewalk on a freeway, climbing a steep incline through pricky briars and then marching through fields of peas to ask directions at a bakery and then somehow, end up exactly where we started.
• opera in the Arena di Verona – gorgeous costumes and scenery. It rained which delayed the performance, so the opera didn’t end until after midnight. I also don’t know Italian and I’ve only seen Marriage of Figaro once, so it was mostly enjoying pretty music.
• Venice was so gorgeous – and also bloody hot and humid. Also, I’ve never had such blisters in my entire life.
• Going to a concert in Vienna – unfortunately, all of the symphonies were on vacation for the summer, so this was a small group that catered to tourists. But they played music from The Merry Widow and I died of happiness.
• It was kitschy, but the Sound of Music tour was fabulous.
• Swiss Alps are stunning. I’ve lived around mountains my entire life and these were breathtaking.
• Hiked to some thundering waterfalls in the Alps. Stunning.
• I met SatisMagic! Ten years + of friendship here on LJ. She took me around her home country, we explored Roman ruins and small towns and she graciously introduced me to her pretty kitties.

August:
– The majority of my Europe trip was in August. My layover was in Moscow, Russia, for approximately 7.5 hours -not quite long enough to make it worth it to get a visa and see the city. It’s a rather bland airport. I’m not a fan of Russian airport food either. I missed my connecting flight from Los Angeles to Portland because of a passenger’s medical issue – yes, I volunteered as the doctor – first time, actually!
– Back to the drudges of work.
– Wicked! Gosh, I <3 this musical so much. To think I almost missed out on seeing it because I loathed the source material.
– I lectured the medical students on some neuroanatomy topics. My neuroscience block in my second year of med school is what lead me here so it was defining moment to be here 13 years later.
-Book club: we read Nicole Hardy’s book “Confessions of a Latter-day Virgin.” I had read it a year or so ago; I related to it in a completely different way this time.

September
– I worked a lot.
– I had one weekend off and met my friend Lindsay for brunch at Lake Oswego and then drove down to Silver Falls state park and went on a 3 mile hike by myself. The falls were a little light on water due to the drought, but it was just the start of autumn and it was a gorgeous day.
– Third flat tire in the 2 years that I’ve owned my car. And as always, it was an adventure.
– Eclipse! Which I missed because I went to see Pippin instead. One of my favorite performances of the year.

October:
– Neurocritical Society meeting, which was held in Scottsdale, AZ.  I flew down a couple of days earlier to see my sister and my too-adorable-for-words nephews. We played on the trampoline and dug in the dirt. Tanner, the youngest, called me “Ah-ha” and demanded to watch videos of “mum-mums” (motorcycles).
– 3 days of conferences, as always too long. However, I reconnected with some of my friends from residency, which was amazing. And I spent a lot of time socializing with my “boss” (director of the ICU – step-boss maybe), who I like so much more than the previous director.
– I then drove up to our family’s cabin and spent a couple more days with my family. We had a family birthday party, although the big excitement was raking pine needles.
– Had an internet group gathering down at Silver Falls again and hiked to a different falls. This time, the leaves had turned even more and it was a little more chilly. Perfect hiking weather.
– I worked. A lot. In fact, October started my 27-day-straight-without-a-day off-i’m-going-out-of-my-mind streak.

November:
– See the end of October. In addition to working in the neuroscience ICU for 2 weeks, I also worked 2 weeks as the neurology inpatient attending. It reminded me that I made the right decision in not pursing general neurology and that it’s been a long time since residency. There were aspects that I loved (the time to teach was awesome), but I did not like the phone calls asking how to manage migraines, or the admissions for weird bizarre illnesses that left me scratching my head (and never find a satisfactory answer), or the consults for chronic headaches or the patients that refused to leave the hospital.
– 2015 really was a fandom focused year – I participated in an auction of Glee set items. Several stuff I didn’t get, but my prize was a macaroni art of my favorite character, Kurt. It now resides on my wall and is gorgeous.
– My church came out with policy changes that broke my heart, and devastated and alienated beloved ones, and I broke up with my church. It has been horrible and painful and emotional and I’m still grieving. I’m not sure if it’s permanent, but some distance was (and is) needed.
– My 37th birthday. It was a uneventful day, with the exception that I talked to several of my friends who I have neglected for the last several months (see anxiety) and that meant the world to me.
– I FINALLY HAD A WEEK OFF. Most of the week was spent doing things like laundry, but my parents drove out for Thanksgiving and we rented a house on the beach, where the skies were crystal clear and the air was warm and the waves were gorgeous, and I soaked in the sun and the ocean.

December:
-My niece was born! She was a little early and so very tiny and is adored by her three older brothers.
– Work holiday party with ugly Christmas sweaters (I came straight from work so I missed out on that aspect). Gosh, I love the people that I work with.
– One of my hardest weeks at work, with many patients, and a family that could not come together to make medical decisions and then brought in lawyers who loomed over me. I know that I am likely to be sued (I work directly with neurosurgeons; their patients are my patients), but being faced with the reality is something different.
– My grandma, who has had years of slowly progressive dementia and worsening paranoia, was placed in a nursing home after a stay in geriatric psych. We have all breathed great sighs of relief, although she may not speak to any of us for months.
– I’ve been working for months and months revising the notes used by our electronic medical records. We went live the week of Christmas. So far, it’s gone smoothly (although I got very little sleep that week).
– I worked Christmas night. I had made tentative plans to go to Utah for Christmas, but because of a bunch of things, those plans never came to fruition. Instead, Karin and I stayed home and had a nice dinner.
– I spent the last week before the New Year, catching up on the 200+ notes that I haven’t written in the last 3 months. And updating this blog for the first time in months.

Movies watched:
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 2
Minions
Far From the Maddening Crowd
Pitch Perfect 2
Mad Max: Fury Road

TV watched:
Glee
Galavant
Orphan Black
Agent Carter
Parks and Recreation
Supergirl (I’m so behind)
Jessica Jones
Too many episodes of Say “Yes” to the Dress
Castle

Musicals:
Dirty Dancing (better as a movie)
Guys and Dolls
I Love Lucy – Live on Stage!
The Phantom of the Opera
Something Rotten – Broadway
Hedwig and the Angry Inch – Broadway
Wicked
Pippin
42ND Street
Riverdance
Beauty and the Beast

Favorite music/songs:
Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran
Adele’s entire album
Uptown Funk – Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars (the lyrics are sexist, but the beat gets me every time).
OneRepublic – I Lived (thanks glee for making me cry every time this plays on the radio)
This Time – Darren Criss
Hamilton Original Soundtrack (I am such Hamilton trash now)

2015

A week ago, I nearly hyperventilated to my therapist that I was completely overwhelmed with projects and deadlines (all for April 15th, of course) and was nearly shutting down because of the stress. Just talking to her helped me process through a lot of my issues (perfectionism combined with procrastination combined with impostor syndrome) and I was able to make a list of things to do and tackle, in a format that didn’t freak me out more. She also gave me permission to slack off on a few things – as long as I contacted others to pick up that slack. It’s been a terribly busy week and my sleep schedule sucks, but I’m breathing just a little easier.

My credentialing paperwork has been submitted with all of the required certificates and documentation. I committed to talk at a conference this summer. I completed my semi-annual OPPE evaluations. I sent off a rough draft of my book chapter to my colleague yesterday – not as complete as I had hoped, but nearly 3/4th of the way done and she’ll work on it this week (she’s a much faster writer than I am) and I’ll make final edits early next week. I’ve started on my CV and education portfolio for my annual review and thanks to the above colleague, it’s in the right format. It looks sparse, but I’m reassured that they are very unlikely to fire me.  Taxes are done. I emailed colleagues about lectures for the fellows (something that I hate doing), and even though things have fallen through yet again for next week, I’m not as stressed out about it – plus I have made changes to next year schedule so it’ll be much, much less stressful. 

I’m off to a wedding this weekend down in Santa Barbara. I still need to rent a car tonight and look for a hotel for a couple of nights I need to do laundry and pack. And I need to stain my roots with henna and go see I Love Lucy the musical (I don’t even know, but it came with my season tickets), so even this vacation is starting out in stress-mode. But I am so looking forward to sun and beach (I soak up every bit of the ocean that I can get), I have a really gorgeous new dress to wear, and I might actually allow myself to enjoy it. 

Six month ago, February 1st started on a Sunday, creating a perfect month. At that time I was going to blog every day that month. I did manage to do it for 14 days before I gave up. I make no promises this time. I still delight over perfect months.

Doing: I’ve had the week off service and I have been utterly lazy. Bad Julia.

Thinking: I made an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow. I mentioned before that I’ve been having some difficulty dealing with things. I’ve been fighting a pretty severe case of “Impostor Syndrome”, some “Single and Unwanted” and “Religious Floundering,” and wow, I have problems with intimacy and vulnerability. I’ve referred people dozens of times to therapists but I’ve never gone to therapy myself. In high school, I was petrified that my parents were divorcing and met with the traveling counselor once, who basically patted my head and told me that I worried too much. It really takes a lot for me to open up: I’m so much more of an active listener. So this is petrifying for me.

Reading: I’m taking a class this semester on leadership. So I’ve had lots of reading for it. Some interesting. Some boring. It’s been a good class – we’re starting to work on some group projects and there are so many good ideas and I’m making connections.

Watching: Glee’s final season started and it’s been brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Witty and biting, emotional, and just tight writing. It’s been everything that I love about glee. I’ve always loved glee, from the very first time I watched the pilot and I am truly heartsick that it’s ending. And it’s also disappointing that it’s had such poor ratings this year. I hate that it’s ending, but I hate more that it’s ending and nobody will remember what a brilliant show it was. I’m also watching Orphan Black, which is also brilliant. I’m in the middle of season 2; I’m dragging out the episodes because I don’t want to it to end; it’s still way too long of a wait until season 3.

Making: Nothing, unless you all want to hear about my failed attempt to repair the LCD screen on my camera.

Writing: I attempted to work on my book chapter this past week. See above’s failure. I have this week off service as well, so I’m hoping to make more progress.

It’s that time of the year again, when I spend days reconstructing exactly what I did this year, then don’t post it for months (year(s)) later, and try to pretend that I really posted it on January 1.

January:
-I had nearly three weeks off work over Christmas and New Year’s due to the holidays, a medical conference and a lucky schedule. So I got to spend New Year’s with my family and nephews. I snuggled the newest little one, Tanner, and played toys with the two older boys. They grow so much in the time that I’m away from them.
– I spent a few days in the bay area, visiting friends and going to a critical care conference. The conference was forgettable (and they didn’t serve food. A nine-hour conference for 5 days without food), but the company was fabulous. Jen and I went to the zoo and to the Japanese Gardens in Golden Gate Park with the boys that she nannied. Visiting Jen means that I get caught up on my movie consumption too.

February:
– a local acting group performed a reading of Facing East by Carol Lynn Pearson. So moving and some really great conversation afterwards.
– I dyed my hair. Over the years, I have slowly lost that vibrant red that encompassed my identity. I researched different options, tried a dye from a salon and hated it, and then went to a middle-eastern/Pakistani salon and they dyed my hair with henna and lemon juice. I cannot describe to you the putrid color of the goop that covered my head, nor the brilliance of the orange it turned. Luckily it faded, and I’ve been really happy with how it turned out.
– It snowed. Now, in most places, this isn’t big news. In Portland, where the city own 3 snowplows total and I live in the hills, it was huge. It started snowing Thursday. By Friday, the road outside my house was a sledding hill. I was working nights that weekend, so I got a ride to work from my neighbors and lived at the hospital for the next three days because I could not get home.
– I finally had a real vacation that did not involve visiting family (sorry, family, I love you, but it’s a little different). My college best friend, Susan, her husband Bobby and I went to Hawaii – Oahu and then to the Big Island Hawaii. It was so gorgeous. And humidly hot and rainy for much of the trip, but so worth it. I stayed a couple of days extra with my friend Erica and her pug. She has the most gorgeous view of the ocean and by the end I was contemplating never leaving.
-While in Hawaii, I attempted to go snorkeling. It did not go well (that is an understatement) and I sliced my leg open on some coral. I cleaned it out, put a bandage on it. And went swimming in the ocean a couple of days later (finally the perfect beach!). A few days after I returned, I noticed it was becoming more inflamed and painful, and then I started having fevers and chills. I was convinced that I was developing necrotizing fasciitis – I do not make a good doctor when I’m taking care of myself. Needless to say, I stayed overnight in the ED to get antibiotics and thankfully did not lose my leg.

March
– I spent a weekend up in Seabeck, Washington on the Hood Canal. My friend, Brooke invited me to attend a women’s retreat entitled “Northwest Pilgrims.” The weekend was chilly, but breathtaking, and spiritually nurturing. Brooke and I shared a room and stayed up late catching up on the years of separation.
– I went to lunch with the local MoFem group. Delicious food. How I love opportunities for socialization.
– My sister and dad came out to visit. We bought me a little fridge for my office and explored around Tillamook and Mt. Hood.
-Facebook reminds me that I went to see a play version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was hilarious, based on the movie, rather than the tv series, which I have always felt was underrated.
– My friend Hillary came to town and we met for the first time. We visited the Japanese Gardens, which was aglow with early cherry blossoms. Gorgeous!
– Dinner with Shanae – gosh I love living near her.

April
-Facebook isn’t enlightening me on my activities in April. I think I worked a lot and watched Glee and Dancing With the Stars and ranted about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.

May
– Pirates of the Penzance. One of my first opera/musicals here in Portland. “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” was brilliant.
– A friend from San Francisco (I met her just before I moved and we connected instantly – sadness) was in town for a meeting. Jennifer and I went out for dinner and then saw Ingrid Michaelson live. I’ve loved a few of her songs, but I recognized a lot more. She was electrifying.
– One of my mofem friends came up for a weekend in Portland (she lives in the southern part of the state). We went to the zoo and had a couple of gatherings, where we played Cards Against Humanity – lemme tell you, playing the game with people who have the same cultural background is hilarious. I’ve never laughed so hard. It was a really lovely day at church too, surrounded by my MoFems – I love these women.
– I hung out with people from work. We’re slowly becoming friends. 🙂
– Work kicked my butt. Too many patients, who were very sick. So many notes.

June
– My parents and sister came for a visit! It was rainy and wet, but we went up to Mount St. Helens and camped there overnight, then drove up to the Olympic peninsula and went to Olympic National Park – which is absolutely gorgeous, even in the constant rain. We went to Forks, Washington, and sadly, I did not make out with any sparkling vampires – they were all hiding.
– My Mormon feminist community (both locally and more) was rocked by the announcement of the pending excommunication of two well known activists in the church. I was shocked and so profoundly hurt – while I didn’t know Kate personally, I had interacted with her and had a similar viewpoint on the experience of women in the church – it felt like a personal attack. When she was excommunicated three weeks later, I lost trust in my church.
– A couple of years ago, I joined a group of “through no fault of their own” single Mormon women. This group has been overwhelmingly one of the best groups I’ve ever belonged to and they are all sisters of my heart. We finally decided to have a get together and actually meet each other in person, so I flew to Salt Lake City and drove down to very small town Southern Utah for a retreat, where we ate camp food, and talked, and croqueted a quilt, and went hiking in Bryce Canyon. One of the best weekends ever – and over too soon.
– Marched in Pride with Mormons for Equality here in Portland. Besides the fact that it downpoured the last bit of the walk, it was, as always, a profound experience.
– Chris, my best friend from medical school, moved to Portland for a fellowship in surgical critical care. It was the start of a mending of our friendship and a reconnection. His wife and son (a year old) joined him a week later.

July
– For 30 horrible minutes, I thought my life had ended and Chris Colfer wasn’t coming back to Glee. Thankfully, his twitter account had been hacked, and all was right with the world. A few weeks later, I got to hang out with him for 30 seconds at a book signing. Y’all, we are such besties during these meetings. <3
– My 4th was a relatively quiet celebration. Dinner with Chris and Gretchen (son was down for the night), and then a night barbeque with some other friends.
– I went out to the coast with my friend Lindsay and the dog she was petsitting – it was very cold and foggy for July. But I love the ocean no matter the weather.
-I went with a large group of Mormons (current, post) to see the Book of Mormon musical. My pithy review: “it was profoundly profane and profanely profound.” Some really awesome songs, the singing was really incredible and seeing it with a group of Mormons meant that there were inside jokes that nobody else in the audience got. But it’s definitely a musical by the creators of South Park.
– I went home for a week to spend time with my parents and my nephews. We went fishing and to the dinosaur museum and to the gym where we went bowling and played with balls and hoola hoops. Gosh, I love these boys.

August
– I flew back to San Francisco to go camping with my friends, Jen, Toshi, Cheryl and her husband Scott, as well as a few other random people. We went to Little Basin State Park, which has a small Redwood Forest and hiked a little and spent a lot of time around the campfire.
– Jen and I drove out to Half Moon Bay to watch dolphins and eat sushi. Yummy, yummy, fresh sushi.
– My sister moved in with me. It’s lovely having homemade dinners, even if I miss my privacy.

September
-Labor Day, Karin and I took a drive along the famous Columbia River Gorge. It was such a gorgeous day and the falls were amazing.
– The annual neurocritical care society meeting was up in Seattle this year. So instead of flying all over the country, I drove up and stayed with my friends Brooke and Brian. I didn’t get to see them much because I was gone to meetings all day and dinners at night (so much networking). I did play hooky on one of the afternoons and walked downtown to the Space Needle and then went to the Chihuly Museum, which was utterly gorgeous – so much colorful, spun glass.
– Brooke, Brian, their kids and I went to the locks the following day and watched the migrating salmon and the boats leaving the lakes and rivers. It’s prettier than it sounds.
– My first college roommate came out to Portland to interview for a fellowship position in neonatalogy and we had a marvelous dinner catching up. To think that it had been over 15 years since we shared a dorm in Ballif Hall.
– A live performance of Doctor Horrible! Such a terrible death whinny!
– Sunday picnic with some local Mo-related friends, which was the start on an annual tradition.

October
– Kinky Boots – my friend raved about this the last time I saw her so when I saw it was part of the Broadway tour in Portland, I jumped at the opportunity to see it – probably my favorite play of the year. So terrific.
– Lunar eclipse – I was working nights, so when I finished, I went home and my sister and I drove to a nearby park. I got some pretty amazing pictures, until my lens fogged up. Whoops.
– I got to meet Atul Gawande *hyperventilate*. He gave a reading at my local bookstore on his book Being Mortal and then signed books afterwards. I talked to him briefly about my experiences as an ICU doctor and the end-of-life decisions that my patient’s families have to make.
– Halloween party at my church. I haven’t gone to my ward since a few months after I moved there – it was very much one of those “Young and Newly Wed or Old and Nearly Dead” wards and after San Francisco, I did not feel comfortable there. They were all very nice, just not my tribe, you know? So I had been attending a ward on the other side of the city. In any case, my neighbors invited to attend as it was Harry Potter themed, so who was I to turn that down? I had a great time – it was well decorated, the kids were cute and I even ran into a friend whom I haven’t seen in months.

November
– I went home to Utah for a weekend to see my grandmother. She has dementia so visits are always challenging, but I took her for a ride up one of the canyons near where she lives. She mentioned that she wanted to go to the waterfall where my grandfather proposed, so I turned off onto a side road – which very quickly became a gravel road up the mountain, with snow patches on the road. Lovely view, but definitely entered the folder of “must never do that again”.
– I spent one afternoon before flying out exploring the University of Utah. College was such a magical time for me and the years have painted it rosy with nostalgia.
– I stayed the night with Liz before flying back home and played with her new baby Sara who is roly poly and delightful.
– Sunstone Portland! An evening of listening to lectures about intellectual Mormonism, sewing quilts to give to the LGBTQ homeless shelter in the city, and eating Candle Salad and “Pake”.
– I’m pretty sure I worked on my birthday.
– My parents drove out to spend Thanksgiving at my place. A friend from junior high school, Tammi came and visited one afternoon – she moved before we graduated from high school, so it had been many, many years since we had last visited.

December:
– The Neurology Annual Party wasn’t nearly as tedious as the previous year. Maybe I’m getting to know my colleagues better?
– Burgers with McSara and Steph, local friends – I don’t remember the occasion. I do remember that the burgers were divine.
– I worked Christmas Eve, but drove out to see my friend Hillary, as she was back in town from Japan and spent Christmas dinner with her and her family.
– I worked Christmas night – and got a flat tire driving home. This was the second flat tire in the year that I’ve owned the car – the previous year, I discovered that my car doesn’t actually have a spare tire, just a tire repair kit, but my tire had literally popped and shredded from a pothole. So I dutifully called up the Ford dealership and waited over 3 hours for a tow truck to come. Merry Christmas to me indeed.
– I flew out that morning (Dec. 26th), after going back to the dealership and dropping off my car key, for my Christmas adventure. And adventure it was.

• First stop: a couple of days in the Bay Area, as my friend Cheryl got married to Scott, a man that she dated for over 3 years (an anomaly in the LDS world of very short courtships and engagements).
• I then flew to Salt Lake City, where I drove up to Logan and picked up my grandmother, and then drove back to SLC to take a flight down to Arizona, so she could spend a couple of days with Laura and the grandkids. Grandma freaked out before I got there, that this was a trap to get her into a nursing home, but then calmed down on the flight down – and then worried again when I didn’t take her home that day. I shared a room with her and didn’t sleep for two nights. She did okay during the day, but at night, all of her demons and fears came to life. It’s still a memory that she managed to hold onto, so it was worth it.
• I flew back up to Utah with Grandma on the 31st and stayed with my friends Laura and James for the New Years. We stayed up too late talking but otherwise, it was a quiet end to the year.

Movies watched: The Hobbit, Frozen, Obvious Child, Boyhood, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I, Veronica Mars, Guardians of the Galaxy, Lego movie, Maleficent, Lucy, Finding Vivian Meier (favorite movie of the year), Into the Storm, The 100 Foot Journey.

TV watched: Glee, the second half of each of the Dancing with the Stars, the second half of the Amazing Race.

Live performances: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, John Williams performing with the Oregon Symphony, Ingrid Michaelson, Pirates of the Penzance, Once, Book of Mormon, Kinky Boots, Doctor Horrible.

2014 photos

Doing: It’s been a few busy weeks at work recently. I worked nights last week (I come in around 5 pm, get sign out and learn about all of the patients, see and examine my patients, round on everybody with the fellow and resident, and then once everybody’s tucked in, I go home and take pager call after that), and it was horrendously busy. I didn’t get home until 4 most mornings. I’m still trying to switch back over to a days schedule – but I work nights this week, so I’m not trying very hard. I’ll be working Christmas Eve and Christmas nights and then flying out for my Christmas of insanity (wedding of a friend in San Francisco, flying to Utah, taking my grandma down to Arizona, visiting my nephews, flying back up to Utah to return my grandma, and then flying back down to Arizona for a few more days – insanity).

Thinking: I think I need to see a therapist. I’m not depressed per se (dysthymic is probably a better description), but I’m not dealing with things as well as I pretend to. I’m really struggling with being single right now, more so than I have in years. I’ve found myself pulling away from my friends (sorry if I’ve ignored you. It’s not just you) and upset because my friend group here hasn’t been quite what I was hoping and I don’t fit in here either. I need to get everything out on paper, but so far, I haven’t been able to get the words down.

Reading: We read We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler for our local book group and I really, really enjoyed it. It’s a fascinating read, with just the right amount of science and philosophy. Don’t read a synopsis as I did; I think it had a different impact on me because I knew the reveal due to lazy reviewers.

Watching: I watched How to Train Your Dragon last night which was really cute and much enjoyed. I am looking forward to seeing the sequel. I also watched the last several episodes of the Amazing Race. Every time I fantasized trying out and seeing the world, they do something like walk a tightrope wire across two buildings and NOPE. And Orphan Black has finally made it’s way to my cable box, which may be disastrous for my sleep.

Making: Have I made anything? I dreamt last night that I was knitting and learnt how to make a sweater. I see no evidence of that being real life.

Writing: I was writing drabbles (100 words each) for a glee klaine advent thing. But I’m so far behind now, that I probably won’t be able to catch up. It was lovely getting back into the swing of things, finding words that just fit together and conveyed a snippet of a story in 100 words. I am only 2 paragraphs into my 10,000 word book chapter that is due in April. I am screwed.

On the other hand, my article from last year got published!

I went to bed at 8 last night. It’s been an exhausting week. Lots of seriously ill “on the precipice” patients, who have so far limped through all of their medical issues, but have caused me great anxiety while doing so (and still could tip at any moment. Ugh). One family where I hit a firmer wall than I had expected in a care conference (I’m good with families. I have not been good with this family). Being told by my old boss (who thankfully is no longer my boss, just a colleague now) that I “take things too personally,” when making the comment that while our relationship is slowing improving, my perception of the new neurosurgeon is that he thinks I’m inexperienced and it’s hard to overcome that.

So I am off to bed now. 3 days down. 4 to go.

Mindful

By Mary Oliver