I am working tomorrow (a week of days, which means being at the hospital by 7, ugh, and because of all of the travel, I never did get out of the “go to bed at 2 am, wake up at 9” schedule, so tonight will be extra fun.

I have a few things that I want to ruminate on, mostly about making friendships as an adult, and my perpetual feelings of being left out and forgotten, which are the same feelings that I’ve been dealing with since I was 14 years old, but those will take longer than the 10 minutes I’ve got before I have to go to bed.

So, instead, let me introduce you to the pake, as I was tonight (well, it was served at a progressive Mormon gathering, so we called it “a marvelous cake and a cobbler” but that pun means nothing to the majority of my blog readers).

Pake = pie cake = cake baked around pie. I had the apple pie surrounded by a french vanilla cake, which was phenomenal. There was also pumpkin pie in a spice cake, and cherry pie in a chocolate cake. I managed to track down the recipe for the last (my friend confirmed that it is best to stick the pie upside down on the cake batter). So very, very good.

I also learned how to properly eat candlestick salad (which is a recipe that was published in my church’s magazine for children about 6 years back). Delicious!

Doing: I was supposed to go up to Seattle today for Sunstone Northwest, but I was too exhausted to drive up yesterday and I ended up meeting with a friend for a very quick dinner. Instead, today, I went to a Thanksgiving potluck, sponsored by Affirmation, which is a group for the LDS (past and present) LGBT (and friends and allies) community. There was a pretty good turnout, with close to 40 people that showed up, mostly people that I didn’t know, although there were a few friendly acquaintances. The stories told made me cry – there was a 14 year old, who came out a couple of years ago, and his family completely supported him. There was a man who attended one of the inner city congregations whose husband joined the church a year ago. Many couples who have been together for years. I had a vision of what our churches could look like if they were all embraced and welcomed to our congregations. I could only tell them, that as an ally, I am trying to make a place for them because I want them there, that our visions of Zion won’t be realized until after we have welcomed the marginalized. There are hints of progress – today, it’s enough to latch onto, an anchor of hope.
Thinking: Polygamy and how much I hate it and how much I hate that it’s been on every major news source so it’s all that my Facebook groups have talked about for the last 3 weeks. Make it stop. I haven’t quite got my feelings sorted it out into words, but this sort of sums up some of it.
Reading: I finished Rose Under Fire this week. It made me cry. Highly recommended and as good as Code Name Verity. This one is going to linger for a long time.
I’m still reading Fic. Her romantization of the Sherlock fandom amuses me greatly, especially this paragraph:

“Maybe the Merlin, Supernatural, Avengers, and other fandoms offer the same riches, but I’d be surprised. This fandom’s hunger, its wide age range, and the gifts and passions of its creators have helped fan creativity absolutely flourish.”

Oh, honey, I can tell you that that is the truth for many, many fandoms.
Watching: My friend Liz’s mom had surgery and was recuperating when I visited this week, so I sat on the couch beside her and watched Gilmore Girls episodes. It has been a really, really long time since I was consumed by that show and fandom; it was almost like seeing it new again. I had forgotten that Dean was sweet in those first couple of episodes. It sucked me in all over again – I really need to look into that Netflix subscription.
Making: I pulled out my knitting this week. Since I’m teaching myself, I haven’t done anything fancier than just attempt to make a scarf. But I got off on my counting, I dropped a stitch (which I don’t know how to fix) and I can’t remember how to finish off a row and start another one, so it looks ratty on the ends. I pretty much unravelled all that I had attempted to do and now my yarn is a mess. But I did browse a yarn store and bought a cable needle and caps for the end.
Writing: Besides the daily updates to this blog, not much. I have hardly written more than 1 sentence for my book chapter. Not good.

Flew back into Portland today. This was view outside of my window. I love this place. 🙂

(Just typing that made my inner grammar police freak – and as you have experienced, my inner grammar police is pretty quiet in these parts.)

All of my friends in SLC had lives to live today (huff), so I found myself with an afternoon free and I drove up to the University of Utah to wander around and take pictures of my old stomping grounds. College was, without a doubt, the best 4 years of my life and I just soaked up all of the memories. So much muscle memory – it’s been over a decade since I sat in the Henry Eyring building and listened to Dr. Ragsdale teach Chem 101, but I knew what the classroom looked like, and the staircase in the back. The smell of the chalk hasn’t faded (even though it’s all digital now). I wandered down by the JTB and thought fondly of my molecular and developmental biology classes. I drifted by OSH (always called OshKosh) and remembered the writing classes I took where my teacher waxed on and on about the different toilets in the world and what they told us about priorities and passions. I thought I saw myself coming down the sidewalk from Ballif Road – but the dorms are all torn down now (“they paved paradise and put up a parking lot…”). A thousand memories of sitting on the grass and having lunch with Susan, “breaking into” the Aline Skaggs building and watching movies on a Saturday night, swing dancing at the Naval Science building, plays at Kingsbury Hall and Pioneer Theater, ball games at the Huntsman…

So many changes. I barely recognized the library – it had undergone some major revisions during college, and more during med school, but they’ve added a cafe and the computer lab where we ACCESS girls wrote papers on statistics is now a “Faculty Development” space.

I loved college. I loved learning – the way that my brain would suddenly click when it grasped a concept. I miss that. Residency and fellowship was more of an apprenticeship; on the job training, rather than formal lectures. Oh, I did get some lectures, but a once a week experience is different than the immersion of college.

College also represented a time when I discovered myself. I made friends for the first time, friends who got me and valued similar things. I would never, ever go back and relive high school – but if offered the chance to do college again, I’d sign in an instant.

(Photo set can be found here)

Grandma and I went for a drive down Cub River Canyon today. There’s a waterfall in one of the canyons, where she remembers my grandpa proposing, so we went exploring (we did not find the waterfall). As much as I love autumn when the leaves are at peak color and vibrancy, I may love the late stage right at the cusp of winter more – when the leaves are struggling to stay on and the contrast between the pale, white branches and the fallen leaves is stark. It was especially gorgeous today, because it is starting to get cold, and there was just a touch of snow that had fallen.

There was a fork in the road about halfway down the canyon – with a road that lead to Mink Creek, about 12 miles north. I had the brainy idea to take that fork on the way back. The nicely grated 2 lane road dwindled very quickly to a rocky, bumpy lane – with no place to turn around. There was a little more snow on the road, and about a 500-1000 foot drop on the edge of that lane. Grandma worried the whole way down, while I prayed for no flat tires because I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be found. The little Kia Soul that I rented did beautifully though (I think it had big dreams of being an SUV and just wanted to show off).

I got some absolutely gorgeous pictures, so it was definitely worth it.

My beautiful grandmother. We talked about her writing and the three books that she is writing, and she told me about my great grandfather and his “Danish gates” that he made, the home that she grew up in, her little dog Annie and what a comfort she is. She read me her stories and her poetry. It’s conversation that we have had hundreds of times and it’s always new to her.

I am on the plane to visit Utah and my grandma for a couple of days. She has dementia and lives with my aunt and it is always a very mixed bag of emotions seeing her. Her house is a disaster of shifted papers and belongings from one corner to another, with rotting food in the fridge. She tells the same dozen stories over and over and she is so paranoid – terrified that my uncle is stealing her money, my aunt is taking over her house, my uncle is messing with her medications, and she’s going to be placed in a nursing home. She doesn’t remember the conversations where everything is explained to her and her nightmares bleed into her reality.

She’s also profoundly lonely and her loneliness feeds her paranoia. My grandfather died 2 years ago; they were married nearly 60 years. My aunt lives with her, but works and socializing with my grandma is exhausting to even the most patient. While members of her community and church come by and visit occasional, the visits have faded off. So I go and see her every few months for a couple of days – she has latched on to me as her favorite granddaughter AND the doctor, so I can usually ease her into things that nobody else can convince her to do.  I visit, I hug her and listen to her stories (over and over and over), I take her on drives in the country to visualize all of her memories, I nod encouragingly and supportively when she is angry at all of the other family members. I wish, always, that I could do more.

My maternal grandmother died 2 years ago (tomorrow is the anniversary of her death) from severe Alzheimer’s – she was unable to communicate, although she recognized all of us until the end,  and I truly missed her long before she died. In similar ways, I miss my alive-right-now grandma. While she can still communicate, she has such limited short term memory and can’t process more complex conversations. So I can’t discuss politics or religion with her any more. I would love to have some of her advice that she provided me as a teenager (which I didn’t appreciate then).

My plane is about to land. The sun over the Great Salt Lake is breathtaking this afternoon.

(Posted late due to no internet).I’ve been following the fall of the Berlin Wall anniversary on twitter and tumblr today during the (slight) lull in patients. I was just over 10 when it happened and I have such a foggy memory of what occurred that it’s been breathtaking to see the photos of the event. These pictures were particularly powerful to me. I consider myself a fairly educated person – I mean, I was one of the good kids who listened to my teachers and read extra curricular books and the National Geographic and listened to NPR. And yet, I’ve had the misconception for years that the Berlin Wall was built sometime during World War II (before the war ended and the Allies liberated everybody and Hitler committed suicide). I really had little understanding of the complexities of post-war Germany and the rise of the Soviet Union. When your history is taught from an American perspective, well, it can lack some subtleties. I’m grateful for the commentary and reflection that tumblr and livejournal friends (like ) who experienced it first hand have provided.

What really made it all hit home today was seeing this image, of the wall between Israel and Palestine – we still have barriers to overcome.

I really do live and work in one of the purdiest places ever. (I did not make it to the Japanese Gardens. But I am home from work earlier than last night and am going to bed now. Hopefully it’ll be a beautiful tomorrow as it was today.)

I really have liked wendelah1‘s weekly update posts, so I’m using it as inspiration today.

Doing: Lazy morning today. I stayed up way too late to help me adjust to my weekend of nights and now I feel a little groggy. I am hoping to get enough sleep tonight that I can go to the Japanese Gardens to catch some of the last autumn color.
Thinking Politics. I’ve been reading and musing about what the elections results will mean for the next couple of years. Honestly, now I’m getting angry at how the democrats screwed themselves again. Somebody posted a rant about the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee emails that were sent, where they stated over and over again about how we were losing the election and we were terrible people for not sending them money – and you know what, the rant was completely right. The DCCC started sending those emails back in December. I got so fed up with their constant negative gloom and doom barrage that I spent an hour to get myself completely and totally removed from their mailing list. And I’m a supporter! We didn’t need to lose this election. I still firmly believe that the Republican party as it is, is in such division between the traditionalists and tea party extremists that there won’t be much damage done overall, but ugh.
Reading: I’m still making my way through my books. I’ve been reading Rose Under Fire when I’m working out at the gym, which has been very engaging. I really adore Ms. Wein’s descriptions of deep friendships and she has so many female characters. Code Name Verity was one of my favorite books that I read last year and this sequel is almost as good.
Watching: I watch so little tv anymore. There are quite a few shows that I think I would be interested in (Orphan Black, In the Flesh are on the top of my mind), but not enough to actually seek them out.
Making: … I need to work on this. I learned how to knit a couple of years ago and then this summer croqueted blocks for a quilt and loved it.
Writing: I committed to write a book chapter for a medical publication (about the use of osmotic therapy for the treatment of cerebral edema. I’m sure you’re all super excited to pick up a copy), partially because I need to show that I am “scholarly productive” for my upcoming (in a year) performance review. Guys. I am not a writer any more. I worked on a review paper for months, that was only 2000 words long, and I still ended up short. This is supposed to be 10,000 words. I am screwed.

Naptime and then work.

I went to Hawaii last spring, one of the first real vacations I’ve had in years (most of my vacations have been traveling home or to Arizona to see family). I was so lucky to get to go with my dear Susan and her husband, not only because it was a chance to spend time together, but because they also understood and completely supported my need to get my fangirl on.

It’s been 10 years since it first debuted and four years since it left the air, but there were still many, many remnants of old filming locations of LOST. We were staying on the northern side of Oahu, in a town where many of the flashbacks/forwards/sideways were filmed and I found myself a google map and tracked down as many as I could during our stay. There were a few big ones that I missed, like hiking to the lighthouse and going to the bamboo forest. Luckily I have a friend who lives in Hawaii, also a Lost fan, who has promised to take me anywhere when I come to visit again. I just started rewatching Lost in honor of its 10th year anniversary (wut), and it’s been even more incredible because I have now actually been there.

(You can see pictures of my Lost escapades here, although I need to label the locations).

I’m afraid that this activated my travel bug. Now I’m itching to go all over. I have a friend who just moved to Japan – and she’s wanting to go to Italy this summer; another friend is making plans to go to Japan in the spring. Greece is on the list. As is England, and Cape Town in South Africa. And. And. And.

Not to mention my fandom must-sees. New Zealand for LOTR, which needs to be soon since they are finished up with the Hobbit. And I just stumbled upon this, and oh my word, I absolutely have to go on a location tour for Anne of Green Gables. Have to.

I better get that passport renewed, eh?

I had lunch with Chris yesterday. I think I mentioned in my sum-up post from January that he had gotten into the surgical critical care fellowship here. We don’t work together at all, although both of our ICUs are right next to each other due to ongoing hospital construction, so there is some hall passing on occasion. I was kinda looking forward to bossing him around. 😉

Things have changed in the 12 years since we’ve became friends. He got married (an event that still hurts to think about how much I was excluded). He has a 1 year old son. We went from seeing each other every single day for nearly 3 years to barely talking on the phone once a year (part of that was definitely me avoiding and licking wounds). So I was understandably nervous about having him in the same state again. Overall, it’s been nice.  I’ve been over to their house for dinner a couple of times and had lunch with Gretchen and Oliver once (a very brief meeting in the cafeteria, mostly spent in preventing a runaway). Chris and I meet for lunch a couple times a month, depending on our schedules. And there’s no denying that I have missed my friend. There are very few people who just understand me and unexpected hallway hugs after a tough family conference are just soul-saving and precious.

Anyway, he is currently interviewing for attending positions across the country. He interviewed at Utah and the interviews went well and they seemed to like each other. He’s got a potential interview here at OHSU. Both would really be a great start to his career with support for research.

His wife wants him to go back to Wisconsin and take a private practice job.

I wanted to laugh at him. Because I could have told him that he was going to get into this 5 years ago when they were in the middle of dating. She was saying then that she loved the idea of raising her family in Wisconsin, because that’s where her folks and her sisters lived, and that she was trying to convince him to not pursue public health because she didn’t want to raise her kids in a foreign country. She went to Boston because it was a short term gig. She came out here because it was only a year. He didn’t ask me then; I didn’t offer because  I like Gretchen quite a lot; she’s a heck of a lot more patient about some of his personality ticks than I am.

His marriage. He gets to have this fight. They’ll figure it out. I didn’t offer any advice, just listened. I don’t know what our friendship is going to look like in the future, but I’m glad for these few moments to connect again.

I love politics. Even in frustrating and disappointing midyear elections like now (although given that they’ve been predicting losses since the election two years ago, was it really surprising to anyone (except maybe the Colorado Udall race? Because that surprised me)). I’m probably more interested in the judicial branch of government right now (and thanks to all of the high profile cases these last few years, I certainly feel like a amateur constitutional scholar :),) but I really love thinking about why people make the decisions that they do. Or at least, the decisions they would make if they were inundated with political ads.

Random thoughts:

1. Even though I don’t think it will really happen, I hope that the few Republican women and minorities who won seats will help shape some more moderate politics from the conservatives. I loved that NPR article from a few years ago that talked about how the women in the Senate, from both sides of the aisle, were fundamental in stopping the government shut down because they knew how to communicate and compromise with each other. I hope it continues.

2. Seriously, did nobody remember that the Republicans SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT last year????

3. I don’t think the legalization of marijuana should be a state thing, making me a minority in this state. I am alllllll for the decriminalization of the possession and sell of marijuana. I also support all the research on medical cannabis and allow the FDA to regulate and sell it. But since there are already “herbatoriums” all over this state from the medical marijuana use, it’s not as if anything is really going to change. It’ll just mean avoiding Mount Tabor on certain weekends.

4. The two Personhood amendments in North Dakota and Colorado did not pass. Woo!

5. I am daring the new Republican Senate and House to offer one bit of legislation that does not involve repealing Obamacare (especially since they never seem to have any suggestion with which to replace it with). And I’d take wagers for how long it takes them to introduce the appeal, but I don’t think there’s a clock that could be accurate to that degree of picoseconds come January.

6. I’m super, super glad not to be living in Wisconsin anymore.

7. Can we shut up about the panic over Ebola now?

My sister moved in with me a few months ago, which has overall gone well (I miss my privacy sometimes). In exchange for a roof over head, she does my dishes and cooks me dinner. And sometimes she makes things like chocolate pumpkin pie, which was as good as it sounds, especially when topped with whipped cream. This may become a Thanksgiving tradition.

(Recipe here)

Attempting another method of cross-posting. Will it work? We shall see!

If you are reading my blog via a RSS feed, would you please reply to this?

1) I love my job. I do. I love what I do. I love the connections I make with patients and families over very scary and life-threatening (and life taking) conditions. But my word, am I ever so glad when Sunday comes and I no longer have to deal with the inevitable clashes that occur because of strong personalities and differing perspectives. Oi.

2) There was an article on NPR a couple of weeks ago about a doctor who kept a diary with one sentence about every patient of his that died over the years. It has resonated with me, although I have joked that my list will be longer than his in just a few years. This week, I only had one death to add to my list.

3) I (semi) have this week off. With this rainy weather, I’m really excited to tackle a few more books on my reading list. I’ve been making my way through Fic: Why Fanfiction Is Taking Over the Word by Anne Jamison, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, and Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein (the sequel to Code Name Verity which was one of the best books I read last year). It’s been so long since I read actual books for fun, that I’ve almost forgotten how (I read lots and lots of fanfic, but that seems to be different somehow).

4) I am contemplating upgrading my camera. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten a speck or two of dirt in the body and can’t get them out. Cleaning a camera body costs almost as much as replacement and it would be nice to have a camera that could do video. Does anybody have any experience with the D7100 line? Or a Rolleiflex, I could go for a rolleiflex. *drool*

5) On a related note, I watched Finding Vivian Maier some months ago, and I am still constantly thinking about it and how I yearn to document my place and my relation to this world. The reaction against “selfies.” My family’s reactions to me taking pictures at the funerals of my grandparents (my dad’s family being accepting, as a way to connect the generations, my mom’s family deep chagrin and shame, to the point that they have barely talked to me in the two years since). I don’t exactly fear death anymore (I usher it in much too frequently), but I do fear not having some small, if impermanent and brief, tangible imprint. Photography is one of those methods of connections, I guess.

I have been feeling nostaglic for my blog. November is especially wistful because of all of the years that I did NaBloPoMo. Of course, nostalgia quickly passed when I discovered that it no longer cross-posts to my other blogs and I have to update it, which will break all of my plugins. 

But I’m here. And it’s now November.

1) I’m mostly on facebook these days. While there are many, many things that I find annoying about facebook, I do appreciate the dialogue that it fosters. I belong to something like 50 different groups (that vary in their activity and my activity; I’m probably active in less than 10), mostly Mormon and politics related. I’ve made many friends through facebook that has almost made up for the alienation from my extended family for my political beliefs. 

2) I went (mostly) sugar free for the month of October as a challenge to myself because I tend to have an addictive personality. I may have forgotten that October is the start of the heaven known as pumpkin everything. Getting to finally eat my pumpkin macaron and dark chocolate pumpkin spice caramel (curse you, Trader Joes!) was utter bliss tonight. Also pumpkin spice M&Ms are delightful, but caramel apple milky way bites are (shockingly) even better. 

3) I’m working with a new neurosurgeon at the hospital (he started 2 weeks ago). His micromanaging is beyond aggravating. Plus his decisions aren’t based on any kind of evidence based decision. The nurses are frustrated. I’m frustrated and trying to remember that transitions cause growing pains for all of us. One more day. 

4) I am still finding the transition to attending physician to be … disconcerting, even a year later. But there is something truly satisfying about evaluating the decisions you’ve made and realizing that they were good ones. 

5) I am so excited for the extra hour of sleep tonight, you all have no idea.

(I wrote this on New Year’s and then didn’t publish it. But I felt a strong urge to finish and publish. So.)

2013
January:
-The start of my last 6 months of fellowship. Strange how quickly it seemed to arrive after all.
-Rotation: Anesthesiology. Which went better than the last time, but that’s not saying much. I did about 2 or 3 intubations a day, which made me about as proficient as a first year anesthesia resident, but enough to give me hospital privileges (I still call for anesthesia backup).
– First RealGirl job interviews! I interviewed at Portland Oregon. The interview went really well – I enjoyed the people, the job description seemed like a perfect fit, they liked me, my presentation went well. I had a preliminary job offer by the end of the two days there.
– I then flew to Salt Lake City and interviewed there. The differences between the two programs could not have been more stark. The interviews verged on antagonistic, the department chair had drastically different goals than I did, and it did not feel like “coming home” – I barely recognized the hospital from the 7 years that I had been away. We mutually decided that we were not the right fit for each other.
– Socially, I hug out with my friend Jen frequently. We went to movies and to watch Stanford Men’s Volleyball
– Wicked! First time ever seeing it. Wow. (Until the fire alarm went off in the middle of Defying Gravity – it was a fluke but ruined my favorite song).

February:
-Work: At SFGH on the neurocritical care service. Risk management was called for a different patient about every other day for two weeks. Long hours. Looooong, exhausting hours.
– My attending, who had been my co-fellow the previous year, screwed me over in terms of time off. My friendship with him fizzled at that same time. #correlationequalscausation
– I went to Portland for a second interview and accepted the position. I cancelled my one other interview.
– My car was broken into at the Oakland airport. Nothing was taken, just the lock completely removed. I honestly think that somebody just used it as a place to sleep. I never got the lock fixed, which made getting into my car ever so fun.
– Socially: Virtually nonexistent. My friend Michel and his fiancee Claire came to town – oh, how I missed them. We went to dinner at the best Thai restaurant in SF and our visit was way too short.
– I went to see The Fourth Messenger at the end of February with one of my residents. Lovely musical with gorgeous music by Vienna Teng.

March:
– Still on SFGH neurocritical care. Lots of family meetings and sick patients. I think I worked 22 days straight without a day off (one evening off in that time, the rest of it I was on call). Don’t remember much except an epic argument with said attending above. I was pretty much in charge of everything, and it was nice being able to move into that role.
– Went to Sunstone NW Synposium. A truly lovely day with discussions of progressive religion and meeting wonderful people.
– Did I do anything social? I hung out with my friend Dan and his boyfriend a bit. Dan really became one of my closest friends in SF, despite him being one of my residents (my plans to keep a “professional relationship” aka no friendships with the residents, of whom I was technically in a position of authority died within 6 months because I need friends like whoa).

April:
– Elective this month. I was so burnt out from the last three months that I basically spent it doing paperwork for the new job.
– Social life! My friend Lisa and I went to the Palace of Fine Arts and admired the swans (from a distance as they were nesting). I went to more volleyball games with my friend Jen (she really loves volleyball. I really like men playing volleyball).
– VACATION!!!! Oh, thank goodness for time off. I took two weeks and went on a cross-country trip. Arizona to see my nephews (highlight of the trip: going to the zoo), Milwaukee to see residency friends, down to Illinois to see Susan and then to Pennsylvania to visit with Sam and her brood. By the end, I was ever so grateful for my decision to be child-free but I loved every minute of it.
– I spent a week diligently trying to get tickets to see Darren Criss, only to have them sold out within seconds. I may have cried.

May:
– Rotation: Medical critical care at SFGH. Like last year, this was again my favorite rotation of the year. I worked with some awesome people. It felt like being back in residency in many ways.
– Time definitely started feeling like it was running out in San Francisco. Jen and I went to the zoo and to the movies (Grease Sing-Along!) and to a Giant’s game (I should have gone to more baseball games).
– I SAW DARREN CRISS IN CONCERT. A lovely girl from Tumblr gave me her ticket and I had a fantastic time. Well, except for the fact that they confiscated my camera at security. Still bitter.
– Made a new friend: the girl from Tumblr, Jennifer, and I went to dinner and instantly connected.

June:
– Last rotation of fellowship: on the UCSF stroke service. I was pretty much the attending for the first two weeks (my supervising attending actually was out of town for 5 days).
– I missed my own graduation party because of a sick, crashing patient. I think that really sums up my training.
– I flew to Portland to look for an apartment/house to rent. Stressful, so very very stressful, but in the end, I found a cute little bungalow that captured my heart.
– Good-bye bonfire on the beach for my friend Dan. Wearing 4 layers of clothes. Yep, that’s SF for you.
– Went hiking and camping in Calaveras Big Trees State Park with church friends – such gorgeous large redwood trees.
– Marched in Pride again, which was extra awesome because of the repeal of DOMA and Prop 8. Again, such a powerful, spiritual experience.
– Visited with Susan. Sadly, due to many circumstances our visit turned into just an evening together, but so wonderful to reconnect.

July:
– As of July 1st, I was no longer a “physician in training,” but an actual attending. 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, 5 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship to get me to that point. Surreal.
– I had the month of July basically off. I did some board studying, but mostly spent it saying goodbye to friends and San Francisco. Highlights include going to a local karaoke bar (It’s Raining Men has more than just the chorus, sadly), dinner at a Moroccan restaurant where I belly-danced with my friends, dinner with Lisa, another trip to the zoo to see the baby tiger, tour of Pixar, going to the Legion of Honor and admiring the Rodin sculptures and impressionist art (my favorite era) and kite-flying on the beach.
– I moved! The movers came and packed up my stuff and I flew to Utah that afternoon for a few days before we drove the rest of my stuff to Portland.
– I almost rolled the Jeep and trailer in Idaho – when they tell you to put all of the weight towards the tongue, believe them.
– My parents and sister helpd with the move. So good to spend time with them.

August:
– August 1st. Started the new job: Assistant Professor and Attending Physician.
– The first month was spent setting up my office, trying to figure out parking and doing Epic training for the 4th time (seriously, why can’t I test out of this??). Never thought I’d ever get paid for picking out pens from Staples… I do have a fantastic corner office with a beautiful view of Mount Hood.
– Toronto for a weekend to see my friends Michel and Claire get married. Beautiful ceremony and reception. It was the first time I had been to Toronto. I went to a baseball and fulfilled a 20 year wish to see my beloved Blue Jays play.
– I then promptly flew out to Chicago, where I parked my butt in a hotel conference room for 6 days straight for a neurology board review course. So boring, but it did the trick and helped jump start my studying. I did get to go up to Milwaukee for an evening to see my friends.
– Chris, my BFF from med school, came out to Portland to interview for fellowship. As always, his visit was abbreviated, but I did feel like I had healed a bit over the hurt at being excluded from his wedding last year. Our relationship is different, so different and will likely never have the same level of intimacy that it did before. He and his wife had a new baby, Oliver (the irony) in May, so there’s that factor as well. I don’t know whether I want them to move out here or not.
– I bought a car! My dad and I looked at cars when they moved me to Portland. I initially decided to wait, but my little faithful Ford Escort was having more and more problems. I am now the proud owner of a pretty little cherry red Ford Fusion Hybrid. I spend way too much time monitoring the amount of time I’m in the electric mode and recharging the battery.
– The last week in August was my first week on service. It wasn’t as horrible as I had feared. Nobody died unexpectedly (hooray!) and no codes. I struggled with figuring out how to direct a team of medical students, midlevel providers and a fellows from a variety of specialties. I still don’t know how well I’m succeeding.

September:
– I had two weeks off of service to study for the boards. It consumed the majority of my September.
– The test was much better than the previous year. I did not start crying 50 questions into the test, I didn’t almost go home at the lunch break and I didn’t cry the entire way home.
– I reconnected with my friend Shanae! Austenland, an after-performance visit after Les Miserables, lunch at a cafe (Portland has the best Reubens).
– Visit up to Seattle for the weekend to visit Brooke and her family. We visited the Aquarium and Pike’s Market.

October:
– Another week on service, where I was the only one of my partners at the hospital and I was horribly, horribly sick with the cold from hell.
– My newest nephew was born! I didn’t get to meet him but I can vouch for some adorable toes in pictures.
– Weekend drive to the coast of Oregon. Ocean, I missed you!
– I dyed my hair for the first time ever. One of the hardest parts of getting older is having my hair become more and more dull in color. So I paid a heck of a lot of money for highlights and my hair looked exactly the same afterwards. I’m going for henna next time.

November:
– Birthday! I worked that whole week, so my new coworkers brought in treats, mostly pumpkin related. One of my residents made me a pumpkin spice cake.
– Vienna Teng concert. Her new album, Aims, may be my favorite yet and the concert was electric. I got to meet her prior to the performance and may have fawned too much over her.
– Brandi Carlile performance with the Oregon Symphony – amazing. Just amazing.
– Thanksgiving was spent at my bishop (church leader’s house). Nice but dull and I didn’t know anybody. I worked the next 5 nights.
– Chris got the fellowship position. I still don’t know how to feel. I guess we’ll find out in July.

December:
– Neurocritical care boards. Hopefully the last test that I will have to take for 8 years. The test was so terribly difficult. I really fail to understand why, after 7 years of training that I should walk out of a test feeling like a failed every time.
– The pipes froze in my toilet (yeah, don’t ask me how I can move to Portland and deal with frozen pipes for the first time). Am I ever glad to not be a home owner!
– I am starting to realize how much of my career revolves around working with neurosurgeons. Since I made the decision years ago that I didn’t want to be a surgeon, this is unsettling. Work was hard – too many patients with terminal illnesses that I was given futile care to. Too many family conferences.
– Work Christmas party. Where I knew 4 people and mingled awkwardly. The department of neurology is huge and each subspecialty is isolated from each other.
– Portland MoFem (Mormon feminists) Christmas party – so much more my thing. I am so grateful for these people because I feel like I have ready-made friends.
– I had a couple of days around Christmas off, so I spent Christmas at home in Utah, visiting with my grandma and then going to my hometown for Christmas day.
– Back to work for a couple of days, then off to Arizona to see my sister and her kids, where I’m currently at. I have a brand new nephew to admire and shower with love. I’m here for the rest of the week and then to San Francisco for a mini-vacation and a conference.

News and events that were note-worthy:
– The Kenya massacre. Such tragedy to a country that will always have my heart.
– Overturn of DOMA and Prop 8. It was a magical time to be in San Francisco.
– Women prayed in my church’s biannual conference (yes, it’s pathetic that it is 2013 and this is big news. But. It was big news and it made me cry)
– Cory Monteith died on July 13th. I was utterly crushed and grieved for days. I’m still grieving in some ways.
– The Oakland, California and Texas brain death cases. So much misunderstanding about brain death.
– “Obamacare” rollout. I still feel passionately about access to health care and while I still hold out how for a single payer system, this feels like the best temporary solution, but man, I wish it had not been fraught with so many technical difficulties
– Gay marriage is legal in Utah. Legal. In Utah. Being on facebook when the news hit was the best thing ever. I was in med school in 2004 when Amendment 3 passed and it was the first time that I faced the question of what would I do when the beliefs of my church and my religion didn’t match mine. I wasn’t vocal against it, more just uncomfortable, and was relieved once the election was over. This really was the best news of the entire year – I was so overjoyed to witness the happiness of my friends.

Overall themes: I hate moving. I hate saying goodbye to my friends and to the city that I love. I hate being a stranger in a new place. I don’t transition well. But Portland is lovely and I am falling in love.
– I still don’t feel like I’m ready to be an attending. And yet here I am.
– If I never have to take another standardized test, it will be too soon.
– I am more and more comfortable with my singlehood, more so than any other time in my life. I toyed briefly with online dating once I moved here and then didn’t, partly because of body and emotional issues, but partially because I am baffled as to how somebody would fit into my life – and also because for the first time, I don’t need it. I can foresee a happy life being completely and totally unpaired.
– Faith transitions, even if they’ve been ongoing for years and you still believe to a degree that varies week to week, are painful. Particularly when people are telling you that you shouldn’t even bother.

Books read this year:
– The Book Thief (reread, but I pretty much had forgotten it all. Including the very unforgettable ending.)
– Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein (must read. must read. must read)
– Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell per Becka’s recommendation (if there was ever a book that almost completely encapsulated my college years and my fandom life, this was it. Adorable.)
– Tankborn and Awakening by Karen Sandler (a friend of mine works for the publishing firm and recommended. I enjoyed it quite a bit. The world building was quite incredible. Looking forward to the last book of the trilogy).
– The Fault of Our Stars by John Green (I liked but I wasn’t as in love with this as others.)
– Summer of the Mariposas by Guadalupe Garcia McCall (again recommended by my friend. Not as good as Tankborn).

Movies seen:
Struck By Lightning
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Iron Man: 3 (I haven’t seen 1 or 2)
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Grease Sing-A-Long
The Princess Bride (absolutely timeless)
Girl Most Likely
Despicable Me 2
Monsters University
Austenland
42
Much Ado About Nothing
The Great Gatsby
(Still to be seen: The Hobbit, The Book Thief, Frozen, 12 Years a Slave)

TV Shows:
Glee (Favorite episodes: ‘The Quarterback,’ ‘Love, Love, Love,’ ‘Puppet Master,” ‘I Do,’
Dancing With the Stars (yay, Amber Riley!)
A little bit of Castle, but not consistently

Favorite songs of 2013:
Rihanna (feat. Mikky Ekko), ‘Stay’
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert, ‘Same Love’
Pink (feat. Nate Ruess), ‘Just Give Me a Reason’
Lana Del Ray ‘Young and Beautiful’
Fall Out Boy, ‘My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)’
BOY, ‘Little Numbers’ (it was released earlier as a single, but I’m counting it anyway)
Sara Bareilles, ‘Brave’
Maroon 5, ‘One More Night’
One Republic, ‘Counting Stars’
Darren Criss, ‘Words’
Of Monsters and Men, ‘Silhouettes’
Vienna Teng, ‘Landsailor,’ ‘Copenhagen,’ ‘Goodnight New York’, ‘The Human Experience’ (yeah, I can’t pick)
Bastille ‘Pompeii’

Favorite Glee-Covered Songs
All You Need Is Love
Got To Get You Into My Life
Come What May
If I Were A Boy
Seasons of Love
Make You Feel My Love
This Is The New Year
Piano Man
Marry the Night

So, yeah. Remember the times when I used to blog every day for the month of November? I really wanted to do NaBloPoMo again – and then I was working the 1st and before I knew it, it was already past midnight, and if you’re going to mess up on the very first day, well.

But maybe I’ll do a half month. NaBloPoHaMoFoUnAc (National Blog Posting Half Month for the UnderAchievers) or something.

Mostly I’m writing to post this for remembrance sake:

It cost me something around $6000 dollars to get that extra point that kept me from passing last year, not to mention the time suck – I will be forever bitter, I think. But I am now, officially, an internist and a neurologist.

Neurocritical care boards are in little over 3 weeks (I hate physiology. Why did I go into a field that has so much physiology)??. Hopefully that will be the last test that I have to take for 8 years.

I have a cold tonight, with a cough and aching ears. And a cold sore. And cramps. So rather than go out, like I thought I might, I’m staying in, eating pizza and reflecting on this past year. I haven’t written on my blog for months, rather preferring the short and snappy updates that Facebook provides. But this needs a little more introspection and since I feel like I’m irritated at half of my facebook friends. And I have missed you all, so much.

January:
-I was on the stroke service that month, which meant long hours. It went better than the previous September (which I spent the entire month flustered and irritated at how much I didn’t know). I solidified my reputation as “the angel of death”, where in a week, I held family conferences about goals of care every single day with a new family. I participated in my first “donation after cardiac death”, which was profound, unsettling and extremely spiritual.
-I made a couple of friends! I started to get to know my co-fellow Michel better and we hung out watching Glee and Sherlock together on our one night off a week.
-I went back to Milwaukee for a weekend to witness the wedding of one of my besties, Sarah. She was such a lovely bride and it was lovely seeing some of my Milwaukee friends again.
-After being on the market for 6+ months, my house had a offer! Thus started months of more waiting and endless paperwork.

February:
-On the ICU service this month, in the medical/surgical unit. I spent a week on night float (working the night shift, which I actually really enjoyed). I discovered that I really don’t like working with some old-time general surgeons, which confirmed that I really, really hate open ICUs (I’ll describe later if you’re truly interested).
-House update: (which I think I shared) From my realtor: “”I just got off the phone with our negotiator, and she said the offer looks good compared to the value it came in at. She would not give me the BPO value. She will be reviewing the HUDs, etc later today to see if there are any changes which need to be made there and send me an update later today. I will let everyone know when I hear.” Hope sprung eternal.
-Personal life: I was pretty sleep deprived this month. But I discovered a whole bunch of new music (including that catchy little tune from Gotye).

March:
-At the county hospital this month, taking care of neurological patients. It also included getting up for rounds at 6:00 am. We had a couple of devastating patients (if I never see another NMDA receptor encephalitis again, I’ll be happy).
-The offer for my house was accepted. More paperwork and more money.
-I started officially studying for my neurology boards.
-I spent one weekend driving around the South Bay, met up with some Mormon feminists who I had met online (wonderful people. Such an awesome gathering). Another weekend (I had two off that month) I went to Cirque de Soleil with a couple of my friends. It was amazing and I had a really great time getting to know some awesome women on the drive down to San Jose.

April:
-I was at the county hospital in the medical ICU. Which was my favorite month all year long. A closed ICU – such bliss. Sick patients but competent residents and interns. Lots of pathology. I personally saved the life of one young patient who actively tried to die for an eight hour person – and walked out of the hospital 2 weeks later completely okay. It was the first time I felt mostly competent. It was wonderful and far too short (I was only there for 2 weeks. The only two weeks were back at the med/surg ICU at UCSF where, ugh, surgeons).
-Closing date for my house set. Closing documents signed. And the mortgage propmtly informed me that they were proceeding with foreclosure, which added another level of stress to my ulcer.
-April 25th: I am no longer a homeowner.

May:
-On stroke again. Had two weeks with my least favorite attending and felt like an idiot pretty much every day. In short, work was boring.
-Chris got married, so I flew back to Wisconsin for that event. He and his bride were lovely and oh so happy and the ceremony was gorgeous. I made an instant connection with one of their friends, who, it turns out is gay, so there was no matchmaking for me. It was wonderful and horribly painful. I didn’t even get a picture of me and the couple.
– I spent a couple of days down in Illinois visiting with Susan and her family and exploring their new house. Somedays, I just wanna move into their guest bedroom.
-I went on a Memorial Day vacation, where I drove up the coast and camped two nights under redwoods. It was perfect and rejuvenating. I do so much better when I can go out into nature and recharge.

June:
– I spent a week at home. My sister came up with her two little boys, so I got to be Auntie (one of my favorite professions). We ran around the elementary gym, threw balls, read stories and went on walks. Carden kept us all cracking up with his little words of wisdom. David practiced his walking while his aunties adored.
– My closest friend here in SF moved back to Canada. I’ve hated losing his friendship. We spent a lot of time exploring restaurants and watching Glee together and ranting about work.
– I studied for my neurology boards most of the rest of the month.
– My roommate (the person I was subletting the apartment from while she was off getting another degree) moved back in. We got along mostly well, but I hated being crammed back into a tiny little bedroom.
– Health care reform was deemed constitutionally okay by the Supreme Court! Yes!
– I walked in the SF Pride Parade as a straight Mormon ally for marriage equality. I think I shocked some of my family, but it was such an emotional and spiritual experience and definitely one of the highlights of my year.

July:
– On stroke again this month. Some very long, exhausting call nights with minimal sleep (I annoyed my roommate with the number of times the pager was going off).
– I went swing dancing for the first time here and it more than anything solidified me feeling like I was at home. Lots of good partners. I still need to buy me a pair of saddle shoes.
– Study, study, study, study.
– My grandpa was diagnosed with terminal cancer (esophageal which had already spread throughout his body at diagnosis. He opted to not undergo any palliative chemo or radiation.
– I moved! I got university housing in an adorable apartment complex up the hill, surrounded by a eucalyptus forest. It’s probably one of my favorite places I’ve ever lived and it has been really good for me to live a little above the city and out of it. Plus I have the most gorgeous walk ever every morning to work (getting groceries has been much more challenging).
– I met Chris Colfer. For 30 glorious seconds we were best friends. He called me sweetie. My inner fifteen year old squees.

August:
– On a research elective for the next two months, where I attended class again (wow, I can’t sit through hours of lectures any more) and wrote a research proposal that hasn’t gone anywhere. And studied, studied, studied.
– My parents came out and visited. We bought a couch and a bed for my little apartment. We spent a couple of days in Yosemite where there was active hantavirus and the bubonic plague. The scenery was gorgeous; I can see why Ansel Adams basically never took a picture of anything else. But there were a lot of people and I get wearied by jostling people pushing to see landmarks. I may try again this spring with its still muddy and chilly and keeps pesky tourists away.
– Shooting at a Sikh temple in Milwaukee. My friends and acquaintances are thankfully okay.
– Study, study, study.
– Blues dancing!
– Les Miserables live!
– Study, study, study

September:
– Study, study, study
– Look, squirrel!
– Study, study, study
– I hate my life
– Study, study, study
– When will this be over???
– Study, study, study
– I’m going to fail
– Study, study, study.
– Maybe I won’t fail after all.
– September 20: pretty sure I failed this test. I cried the entire bus ride home.
– A couple of study breaks: opera in the ball park (Rigoletto!). Wait, that might have been my only study break.
– Watched the space shuttle Endeavor circle over the bay and the city.
– I went home for a week of vacation. I spent a couple of days up in northern Utah visiting my grandma and grandpa. Grandpa was starting to look frailer and stated that he didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. I didn’t want to leave, but I hugged him goodbye for the last time. He squeezed me tight, pressing my face against his plaid shirt, just like always.
– I went down to Arizona with my family for a few days as well. We visited with my Grandma (my mom’s mom) who was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. She smiled and laughed an cried when we came through the door. Language failed her, but she expressed it all in her hugs. She kissed my neck as I hugged her goodbye- the last touch of hers.

October:
– Work: at the county hospital again on the neuro ICU. Have another fellow so call nights aren’t so bad.
– Went to Denver for the Neurocritical care society meeting. Met a few people and “networked”, thus starting the job search process. Overall impression: meetings were too early in the morning. And I hate all day lectures. I did spend an afternoon with my awesome cousin though!
– Facebook tells me I was obsessed with politics. I was.
– My grandfather started getting sicker towards the end of the month and on October 25 my beloved grandpa died surrounded by his family.
– I flew home for the funeral and thanks to an overlap due to the end and beginning of rotations, I was able to spend 5 days with my grandma, who also has dementia, so she was reliving his death over and over. The funeral was touching, a tribute to the man that my grandpa was – his kindess and compassion and service touched so many.

November:
– Election. My guy won and the city exploded in glee. It was a good time.
– Two days after returning home from the funeral, my mom called and told me that her mom was ill. On November 11th, my grandma passed away.
– Travel to AZ this time for the funeral (a shorter trip unfortunately). The funeral was held in Mesa, and then we travelled to her little hometown in New Mexico for the burial. The cotton was in seed and being harvested, entire fields were covered in white. It was beautiful. I reminisced with cousins and played with my nephews.
– Thanksbirthgivingday! I turned 34 and had thanksgiving dinner with my friend Dan and his boyfriend.
– Went to Monterey Bay and saw the aquarium (eh) and ate crab in a restaurant on the shore (yum). Sea lions barked right outside.
– My board scores came back. I did not pass. The next day I found out that I failed by one percentage point.
– Tosca at the SF Opera (*swoon*)

December:
– Job applications. Spent the first 10 days working on cover letters and resumes before finally sending them out.
– I’ve applied to four different places (I kept the list small this time) and have had two phone interviews. I have an interview in Portland in the middle of January and one in Utah in the next few weeks (still working out times). I’m not exactly sure of my decision to likely stay in academic medicine, but I’ll give it a couple of years and if I really hate it, I’ll move on.
– The apocalypse didn’t happen. Sad. 🙁
– The Hobbit! (yes, it deserves to be mentioned in my year review because oh, it reminded me of 10 years ago)
– I wore pants to church. (It was apparently a big deal. New York Times big deal, who didn’t ask me for a quote. I mean, what?)
– Christmas vacation at home (yes, I went home a lot this past year) and in Arizona. I flew back yesterday.
– Saw Vienna Teng for the 6th time last night and as always, she was amazing. Front rows seat, but unfortunately was blocked by her piano. I hugged her afterwards, got my picture taken with her and she complimented me on my shirt. A wonderful end to a year that has had a lot of frustrations and losses and crushing disappointments.

Books read: The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks, Princess of Stone (Princess Academy sequel) and Midnight in Austenland by Shannon Hale, The Land of Stories by Chris Colfer, two neurology textbooks and more questions/flashcards that you could ever guess. I’m half way through A Discovery of Witches and I’ve started Code Name Verity on my friend Brooke’s recommendation but haven’t made it past the first chapter.
Movies seen: The Avengers, Brave, Pitch Perfect, The Hobbit
TV shows: Sherlock, Glee, The Glee Project, Suits (but missed the last two-three episodes because I moved). I’ve downloaded Downton Abbey, but haven’t seen it yet. I didn’t even bother with Doctor Who, since I haven’t finished last season.
Concerts: Vienna Teng
Symphony/Opera/Theater: SF Youth Symphony performing Mahler, Les Miserables, Rigoletto, The Lion King, Tosca. I’ll be seeing Wicked here in a few weeks.

Happy New Year, all! I hope it brings you happiness and contentment.