Oh Milwaukee don’t forget me
As the miles between us grow
Keep the maple tree carved
with the name of my love
The hills we would sled race down
Lake Michigan stay endless
and painted in sky Goodbye
~Vienna Teng, No Gringo

June 25, 2006. I should have realized how ill-prepared I was to become a homeowner, when I walked into the closing with a checkbook, ready to pay my down payment. My realtor stared at me. How was I to know, naive girl who was just starting my second paying job, that important business transactions like this required cashier’s checks, no personal checks with yellow background decorated with drawings of Curious George? I was hundreds of miles from my bank and overwhelmed. We figured out a compromise, I bought the house, signing my name to a hundred different pieces of paper. I couldn’t foresee the moment in February when I realized that I couldn’t afford my mortgage, student loans and heating bill. Or when I got letters from the post office stating that they would no longer deliver to me unless I plowed my walk for the 60th time that winter. Or the repeated swamping of the basement.

I grew up in that house. My mouth was stained pink from July onward from the raspberries. I cursed the squirrels that ran rampant through the yard. I lay in the enclosed backyard in the dark and strained at the city-bleached stars. Friends came over and perched on my couch or laughed in my kitchen. There was heartache and tears and laughter and hugs. It was imperfect, it was difficult, but it was home.

June 21, 2011. I walked through the empty rooms, imprinting the curve of the entryway, the perfect red-gray of the living room with the morning sun slanted through the windows. I kissed the doorway, pressed lips to the wooden frame that had held my dreams and my reality for the past 5 years, and turned the key for the last time. The house was going on the market that day and I was certain that somebody, somebody would fall in love as I had.

April 25, 2012. The end of three hundred and nine days of purgatory was anti-climatic. The designated time came and passed and an email arrived in my inbox, with the subject: Julia D******/Metcalf CLOSED. And just like that, I was no longer a homeowner.

I don’t think I can describe what this past year has been like. A constant tension thrumming under my skin. I haven’t had my phone ringer on for months, due to the incessant calls from my mortgage company – I never thought that I would be the person fearing that I’d hear from debt collector. The day that I got certified mail that stated that I was being pursued for foreclosure, that was a rough day. Every 10 days lowering the price again and again, fearful that the bank wouldn’t accept the final offer. I pinched pennies, worrying about the bank’s judgements of my spending habits. Even when I got an offer and then an acceptance, the fear didn’t lessen.

This isn’t a perfect happily ever after ending. The government views this sale as profit, even though I have lost so much, so I’ll be paying hefty taxes next year. My credit, while not ruined, has been damaged and will be damaged for the next few years. But it’s an ending and perhaps now, I can begin again.

Goodbye

Approval.

As in, “Nationstar Mortgage approves the sale of the property” and “will provide documents to release the mortgage” and “waive any remaining balance on the account.”

As in, I can almost taste the freedom.

It’s still a wee bit premature to celebrate. I now have to wait through all of the typical home closing drama – getting the house inspected, having the buyers officially approved for the loan, setting a closing date, signing lots and lots and lots of documents, all of which has to be done by April 27th, a mere 45 days away. Every step has the potential to fail, to dissolve all of the hard work and I can still be facing foreclosure. But this was the big, rate-limiting step (see above diagram. Who knew that general chemistry would still be applicable?) and the success here makes me truly hopeful for the first time that things will work out.

From my realtor: “I just got off the phone with our negotiator, and she said the offer looks good compared to the value it came in at. She would not give me the BPO value. She will be reviewing the HUDs, etc later today to see if there are any changes which need to be made there and send me an update later today. I will let everyone know when I hear.”

Interpretation: there is a glimmer of hope that this short sale might actual go through. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up.

Today marks the start of my 34th year. I had been thinking all month of the deep, meaningful blog I was going to write on my birthday, expanding on my inner thoughts and emotions. I really have only a few. One, I have no idea how I got this old. And two, are you supposed to actually feel old and adult at some point? I’m glad to be older – I still get told on a weekly basis that I don’t look old enough to be a doctor (but I think that’s more because I’m a woman, rather than just the fact that I’m still breaking out with pimples on my chin like I was 15) and being over 30 means that I have some force behind my words when I argue back. But I remember college like it was yesterday and I still have my “squees” that while different, still give me the same entertainment and glee as yesteryear when I was young enough not to be embarrassed by it all. 🙂

My life has been blessed, house problems and long hours on call, and all. I am so thankful for the rich treasury of family and friendships, that give my life meaning. It has been a wonderful life and I’m thankful for all of you for being a part of it.

Susan made me pumpkin pie, which I finished on the plane ride, and Liz surprised me with birthday brownies and her little girls singing me happy birthday (they are 4 and 2 so adorable). This year has definitely started out right!

The hardest part of a perfect weekend is the fact that it has to end. Susan and I spent a wonderful afternoon at Fisherman’s Wharf. Its by far, the most touristy place in San francisco – even on a Monday afternoon it was packed. We wandered through a bunch of little stores selling sexy fairies (um.) and touristy magnets made in China. I found some smoked sweet paprika and a new rooibos tea to try. We had yummy sourdough bread and soup for lunch and finished it off with ghirardelli chocolate. The weather was warmish, the sun was shining – a truly perfect day.

But now, the day is waning. Susan has already gone to bed and she’ll be leaving midmorning and I’m already mourning. I hate the silence that descends when I am left alone – usually I don’t even notice it until I lose the noise and the words and the movements of my guests and then it’s overwhelming.

Once, years ago, the two of us had planned this massive road trip when we graduated college, but I had surgery and she got married, so it never happened. This felt a little like compensation, of renewal, ten years later, and a promise of years to come.

I’m heading home tomorrow for Thanksgiving and a week at home seeing family and friends.

Took a wrong turn on our Sunday drive, and ended up in the Dharma Initiative. They gave us a bunker and a VW bus! Wow! Next we get to watch these educational videos. I can’t wait! The jumpsuits are so cool!!

Snapshots
– Rescued Susan from a homeless person asking for money and a hairy, older man propositioning her – “it’ll be quick” said he.
– Lunch at the little Middle Eastern cafe down the road
– Driving to two different grocery stores because only an idiot would go grocery shopping the weekend before Thanksgiving
– The perfect parallel parking job outside Trader Joe’s (I am Awesome)
– Perfectly boiled eggs, even though I boiled the water first and stuck them in, contrary to what Betty Crocker recommended. The secret: boiled them for 2.5 minutes, turned the heat off and let them cook for the next 20 minutes. Perfect peeling.
– Yummy grilled egg salad sandwiches, sautéed kale, and for dessert, pumpkin cupcakes with spiced pumpkin icing. So. Good. So good. Ours didn’t look nearly that pretty, but they’re going to be breakfast too.
– Watching Once Upon a Time. Still not as wonderful as Lost, but engaging. I’m hopeful and excited for tomorrow’s episode (if I can get my tv to pick up more than just the Fox network)
– Lots and lots of talking and laughing and laughing some more. I may just have to steal her forever.

Have you heard the new Snow Patrol album yet? It is blowing my mind and entwining itself into my subconscious. It doesn’t get released here in the US until January (why?? Payback for the US for getting all the goodies first usually, I guess), but it’s been released in the UK, and wow, it’s stunning.

The song “New York” is particularly haunting.
If you were here beside me instead of in New York
If the curve of you was curved on me
I’d tell you that I loved you before I ever knew you
Because I loved the simple thought of you

Dear idiotic people who have no idea how to apply protocols to actual patients.

Death happens to all of us. It’s especially common in our aging populations. Especially those who are over the age of 80 and have a barely functioning heart. And when that poor, overworked and sick heart dies and stops, and you don’t get a heart rate back (barely) until after a half an hour of chest compressions and shocks, it’s a sign that death’s time may have come and that’s a good thing. Really. So please, please, please, don’t ask me to come and induce hypothermia in a person whose chance of a good neurological outcome was next to nil to begin with, just so that the family can linger in uncertainty for 4 days for what we all know to be the inevitable outcome. And if you really didn’t want my opinion and was going to do it anyhow, don’t get pissed because I won’t give you my blessing, ’cause believe me, you’re going to hear an earful.

This hospital is crazy.

I have a migraine. The pager has been going off nonstop and I am cranky. Think I can sneak in a nap?

I spent 2.5 hours on the phone with my friend and old roommate Sam tonight. We haven’t talked in months, really. She’s my lawyer friend, who just started doing loan modifications and home loss mitigation law, so she’s been sending me all of the links to Wisconsin real estate laws so that I can fight my mortgage company, while I’ve been feeding her medical information on how to read an MRI report. Fun times, being adults.

Anyway, by the end of the conversation, I was craving enchiladas and mint chocolate chip ice cream. And wishing that I had taken pictures of our old stone coffee table. So instead, I settled for a cuddle with this:

(A sneak peak at the pics of my apartment that eventually I’ll take and post here).

I’m not necessarily homesick tonight, more “college sick”. It’s quite amazing, really, to think that I graduated from college 10 years ago, a DECADE ago; almost 15 years since I met these people who I call friends but who live as family in my heart. It feels like yesterday, when we were sitting in our little apartment, eating enchiladas directly from the pan, while peeping toms were looking through the window (seriously, how did we live in such a getto place?).

My dear Susan is coming to visit me this weekend (she flies in tomorrow, but because of work, I won’t be seeing her until Saturday). We’re going to have 4 whole days together, just me and her, like it was in the old days, pre kids, pre med school, pre marriage, pre foreclosure threat, pre electricity and running water. Superduper excited. 🙂

This was a much better surprise than the mean, threatening letter from my mortgage company. Thanks for the card and postcard, Mom! <3 <3 <3

I have such a love hate relationship with book adaptions. This looks amazing, actually, but it’s already started to supplant the Hunger Games that’s been so vivid in my mind. Prim is perfect. Gale not so much. The Panem people look a lot more normal and less glam than I had pictured. Cinna- well, Lenny Kravitz might win me over after all.

I had a meeting with my program director to plan out next year’s schedule. It went really well, actually. She was receptive to some of my criticisms of the program, mainly that it’s too fragmented and disjointed and hopefully things will change next year. I’m pushing for some awesome critical care months on the trauma service as well to really round out my exposure and training. We talked about how I’m likely not going to be able to get boarded in medical critical care, because of regulations and requirements that changed this year, but she is going to be appealing my case to ACGME and we’ll see – I really am insane for pushing to be eligible to take yet another 8 hour test that costs thousands of dollars. We also talked about some research projects, focusing on more quality improvement and outcomes, since she could tell that I am not a big researcher (or at all), but how this could help my future career.

And we discussed planning of my schedule next year so that I would have time for interviews. Real job interviews. The type of interviews where I go and talk about ideal work schedules and benefits and salaries and how can I possibly be to that decision point already?? Commence freak out!

I’m really, really excited too!

The combination of this picture and this horrid article from Salon, well. I’m feeling rather raw and exposed, this desperate longing for just one connection, one touch, one moment of breathless anticipation of first love.

All the maps will only show me how to lose my way…

(It’s November, about 10 days prior to my birthday. Time for the obligatory annual whining post of how I’ll always be alone. Don’t worry, it usually passes.) (And I realize that my blog this November has been even more dire and “woe is me” than usual. Tomorrow I’ll have cheerful, happy post about my new ward and my new calling as social media director for the midsingles program, which I had been planning on doing. And I won’t even mention that I’m surrounded by young couples in love and about “flunking out” of the young single adults program by getting too old and not being married. Promise.)

http://jcd1013.livejournal.com

Click! Click! And admire! I finally changed my blog’s layout! I think I’ve had my previous layout since, oh, March 6, 2008 (this is why you blog people, so you can go back and find out random things of your life), and it badly needed an update. I had a really hard time of letting go of Anne, though. The layout in many ways sucked – I could never get it looking good on any other computer but mine (I am such an amateur coder!) and it broke with every little change that LJ underwent. But it was still the layout that I sort of identified myself by, my little unique footprint on the digital world. But oh, I was starting to hate looking at the misaligned entries every day. Change is good.

Still girly and whimsical, though; I can’t ever seem to design a blog differently. I tried to make it more “old world” traveling and nostalgia with leather luggage and old maps and globes, but then I found this Kim Anderson picture (whose photography I just absolutely adore), well, it just seemed so perfectly me and I couldn’t resist. 🙂

I think I’m getting rid of all of my icons as well and starting over. A clean slate everywhere. Half of mine are inactive anyway, since LJ took them away when I didn’t renew my blog as timely as they wanted and they want me to pay more to get them back.

I’ve had a fairly lazy day and since it’s been drizzly and overcast and on the cool side, it’s been perfect. Went to work this morning, where we only had a few patients. Half way through rounds, I became suddenly ill – diaphoretic, nauseated, light-headed – which I’ve had happen a couple of times in the past and I’m not sure the cause – migraine precursor? Viral illness? Irritable bowel syndrome? It improved after sitting down and getting something to eat, but I’ve been rather sluggish all day since then. Luckily my pager has been relatively quiet and I was able to grab a lovely nap this afternoon and I feel better, but I really hope that this isn’t a portender (portendor?? spell check doesn’t like either of them) of an illness of doom. But I do need to get to bed now, to hold off the ill vapors.

Apparently your wish will come true if you make it at 11:11 on 11/11/11. I’m not superstitious, but I do love perfect moments and aesthetically perfect numbers and dates like these make me happy. Especially when they coincide with days off work, which are even more magical. So I might have an under-the-breath wish to make…

Happy Remembrance/Armistice/Veterans Day everybody. May we all remember the long, painful cost of war and do our part to keep the peace.

One of my besties from Milwaukee is getting married. Married, I still can’t believe it. Sarah has had some of the worst dating experiences ever so it’s still a little shocking that everything has come together so nicely and her fiance is just perfect. I am so overcome with happiness for her. Tonight was her bachelorette party and Saturday is her engagement party. I missed both of them, obviously. I had hoped to go back to Milwaukee this week, but tickets were expensive, I told a colleague that I would cover for him so I’m working this weekend and I did feel like I needed to do something productive this month. So I didn’t get to go.

And then I remembered: I have an iPad now and can do FaceTime! Woot! So I got home from work as quickly as I could and tried to connect with my friend Laura. And tried. It just wouldn’t connect. So I didn’t get to see her open her presents. Or anybody ride the Pepper. I’m rather bummed about it. This is always the hardest part about being away, missing out on the good times and not being involved like I want to be. It sounds like it was a fabulous event, although I still haven’t seen photographic proof of it yet and my gifts didn’t arrive in time, so they obviously missed out on the best part. 🙂

I’ll be there for the wedding – a very, very short weekend, unfortunately, but I’ll still be there. I need to look for a new dress. Something deep red and flirty. Right now, I’m thinking knee length with a full, flared skirt, but I think that’s just the adoration for Glee’s costumes for West Side Story bleeding in.

Dear Liz:

I’ve killed our basil plant and I don’t know how! I watered it once a week, gave it plenty of sunshine and it’s just withered away. Granted, I haven’t talked to it or caressed its green leaves, except when I plucked them for gnawing, but I thought for sure that my love would be enough to save it.

Woe. No pesto for me. 🙁 🙁 🙁

My stolen internet is down again. Why can’t people be more reliable in the things that I am mooching? People these days are so inconsiderate! So this won’t be posted until the morning. It’s probably for the best, because otherwise you would have to endure me swooning about Glee and how perfect Darren Criss is as Tony and oh my word, did you see his arms and those eyelashes that go on forever??  See, much better.

Instead, you get pictures of my nephews in their Halloween costumes. I know, Halloween was a whole week ago, but their preciousness is timeless. 🙂 

Carden loves trucks and cars. Loves them so much. So he got to be a policemen in a police car, while his brother David is a fireman in a firetruck. Are they the cutest boys ever? I’m so sad that I don’t get to see them for a while.

Here’s the list I brainstormed to blog about:

•  A response to Susan’s blog about lifelong friends and how, whoa, it reflected all of the feelings.
• A recap of Liz and Edgardo’s visit a few weeks ago
• A recap on Chris and Gretchen’s visit two weeks ago
• My feelings about fellowship: what’s been good. What hasn’t.
• My solutions to San Francisco’s traffic problems and how it would make everybody (ie me) happier
• Reflections on my new church congregation and getting kicked out of my old ward
• Finally finishing up the entries I wrote from the beginning of summer: my cousin Jill’s visit, my graduation, the move across country
• More moping about the house (two showings this week! 🙂 No offers! 🙁 But the hardship letter is done and submitted and hopefully didn’t sound to terrible.
• My feelings about the latest season of Downton Abbey
• Things I like about San Francisco (there are a few, I promise)
• The allure of the “real job” in just a year and a half; I’ve got some serious daydreaming going on right now!
• So You’re Like That Huh. Which I begged and begged bjorks_defender to post and then never did. And for which I’m consumed in guilt for not doing.

The last one is winning out. Guilt is a very strong motivator. 🙂

1. You’ve just run into the person you were five years ago. Give yourself a piece of advice.
You are an intern. A wee baby doctor. Right now, it’s one of the busiest months of your entire intern year. You hate your senior (even though you’ll become friendish with him in a few months or so. Your attendings are demanding and weird (and yet, you’ll become facebook friends with one of them by the time you graduate too..). Make time for your friends. These people that you work with: they are your family. In a few months, Karem will have a massive head bleed and almost die. Mohammed will get married and move away. Kara will find a boyfriend who then becomes a husband and she becomes a mother. Go out with them, go to every neuro dinner that you can, even if you’re sleep deprived. Go dancing with Sima (why did you never go dancing with Sima?). Hang out with Aish, and get to know Katie because she and her husband Craig are the best people ever.

Oh, and there’s a girl in your ward by the name of Sarah who just broke her hip – vist her. And two Lauras and Brittany and Michelle. Friend them now. You’ll become friends with them within a year, but these women are special, so why don’t you get on that now? You’ll be very glad if you do because they will squee with you over the mundane and live life to the fullest and you should have more Friday night movies and backyard campfires. They will encircle you with love and trust.

In a few months, a few years, they’re going to move away, a few more than that, you’re going to move too. And you want those friendships to last forever. Please remind current-me, 5-years-ago-me, to call them now.

And stay away from Aaron, the med student. He’s not interested. Or worth it. Ditto for the guy you met at the bishop’s house a few weeks ago (and will reconnect with this weekend). Really – believe me on this.

2. What one word would you say best describes your country?
I’m going to use two. Apathetically impassioned. Especially since elections are coming up tomorrow. Everybody’s got their opinions (and loudly) but you can bet that voting turn out is going to be something like 15-20%. I’m included in the nonvoters this year – I’m keeping my registration in Wisconsin for now, so I can sign the petition and vote for the recall of Scott Walker and the idiotic senator who “represents” me, but I forgot to get an absentee ballot. Shoot.

3. What was your favorite moment of the past week?
Dinner with Prem. Prem has been a mentor to me – he’s one of the med-neuro group (two years ahead of me), and has been one who helped guide me into critical care. Plus he’s unbelievably hilarious. You should hear his stories about when he was a med student and spent a summer as a bum on an island in Malaysia because he couldn’t find a ride back to the mainland. His wife is awesome too and they had a baby a couple of years ago after they moved away. So, so, so awesome to reconnect.

4. What place are you most tranquil in?
The mountains. Five years away has definitely made me realize that I am a nature girl, and I love being in the mountains. My lifelong dream is to retire and become a campground host.

5. What is your strongest emotion?
Hmm. Right now – worry. Endless worry about not knowing enough, not being smart enough, not being good enough for this fellowship. Worried about how I’m going to do a research project when I kinda hate research, but how I won’t get a job if I don’t do a research project and freaking about about K grants and everything related to an academic position. Worried about getting a job in just a year and a half and wow, that’s not very long at all. Worried about the house. About the short sale. And what happens if the short sale doesn’t happen. And foreclosure. And how I’ve probably screwed everything up. My grandfather, I’m told, was a worrier and died from ulcers caused by his worrying. And even though I know that bacteria and acid and possible medications were more of the cause, well, I’ve never been so close to a nervous breakdown before. I’m okay (really, I promise), but I can’t stop the niggling little dread of “what if I can’t handle all of this?”

Is anybody watching Once Upon A Time? I started watching it on Hulu this past week and I’m loving it so far. I’m a sucker for fairy tale retellings: I own a dozen different young adult novels that are retellings of one fairy tale or another, and eagerly pick up others; The 10th Kingdom is one of my secret dirty laundry loves that I would never ever admit to. At least in polite, judging company. Anyway, Once is by the same writers as Lost, which is obvious in some of the story-telling (backstories, reveals, dialogue), but man, my life has had a big gaping hole since the end of Lost, so I’m not seeing that as a downside. It verges on being predictable and cheesy and it’s not as clever as Lost was by this point, but their first season was nothing less than pure genius, so I’m not holding it against them. I love the slow development the characters (also a Lost motif), although there are some that are bothering me. I hope that we get to see a little bit more from some of the minor characters.

In short. I’m enjoying it and want others to watch it so I can gush with them and ponder theories. Solitary fandom is so lonely sometimes.