So glad it’s Friday.

Yesterday was so unbelievably awful that I didn’t think today would ever come. Had finals yesterday, for the Nephrology block… So glad it’s over. I think I did really poorly.

Chris and I got in a fight right before the test–we were arguing about how to do an equation (I know, stupid), and I couldn’t see where he was coming from and we had already studied for three hours that morning… Nerves were frayed by that point, and after arguing whether milliliters or deciliters were bigger (yes, I know, stupid–and I was the one who was wrong, lol!) he finally just got up and, well, stomped off. I hate, hate, hate, hate fighting. I do just about anything to avoid confrontations, and I was so afraid that I had lost yet another friend that it made me sick. Needless to say, it took me a while before I was even able to read the questions clearly.

The test was brutal, too… I know I failed the physiology portion, there were questions that I had never even heard of the concepts. We’ll see about the organ system itself… And joy, I get to look forward to restudying this all in two months for the boards. Bliss!

Afterwards, I waited for Chris and, just with a look, everything was okay again, no apologies necessary. Neither of us are the kind who keep grudges. And, the way he acted, was exactly how I react too, so there weren’t any hard feelings.

One good thing: went swing dancing last night. I used to dance all the time, when I was a freshman/sophomore. I haven’t been for at least two years now… man, I’ve forgotten so much! I remembered the basic and not much else… I tried to do the basic for the Lindyhop or West Coast Swing (my favorite) and I couldn’t. I’ve completely forgotten how to follow a lead and I actually tripped on my own feet. I never was very good, not one of those that you looked at with envy at their gracefulness and poise, but I wasn’t that bad either.

There was a guy there who reminded me of my old dancing partner/friend/crush, Oliver. The way he moved was Oliver incarnate–the way he held his head, closed his eyes, moved his partner. It was rather eery. But why did I get a surge of something unpleasant, when my roommate Liz noted it and explained to the girl we went with that “James (the dancing boy) reminded me of an ex-boyfriend.” Vengeful!Me responded in my head: One kiss, one date does not boyfriend make.

Gah! Four years later, after I’ve completely exorcized all romantic attachments/thoughts/feelings to Oliver, — after I decided that he was just a friend and I was happy with that and then he completely abandoned our friendship — and I still feel like I’m in competition with her. I thought those demons were long dead.

I actually met a few guys, one or two with potential. Most conversations:

Guy: So, have you been here before?
Me: Yeah, I used to come all the time, but it’s been about four years.
Guy: Four years. That’s a long time.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me to be. Conversation is dead.)

Guy #2: So, are you going to school?
Me: Um, yeah, I’m in med school.
Guy #2: Med school, that’s really hard.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me and how brilliant I must be. Conversation dies.)

🙂 🙂 🙂 At least guy #2 didn’t say, “you must be so smart.” Or I would have stomped on his foot.

Ah, but I do so love to dance! I learned how to shag last night… Er… yes, name of a dance move…you hop on one foot, then the other… I swear!

Oh! And happy news! I’ve a semi-blind date this weekend to look forward to… Melissa (Chris’s girlfriend, who I absolutely adore and a first year) is setting me up with another first year. I’m excited. I won’t mention how long it’s been since my last date, but it’ll be a refreshing change. I know who he is by sight, but should I be concerned that Melissa describes him as a “jolly, like the Jolly Green Giant”? Jolly just isn’t a good descriptor for anyone.

I wonder how she described me to him….

See the pretty icon shirerain made for me? I’m so excited!! Loreena McKennitt… how much I love her songs and this one is my favorite (iTunes tells me that I’ve listened to it 70 times (and that’s just since I ripped it back in September.)) I never know how to describe how I feel listening to it… It’s almost this feeling like a fairy tale has come true–something magical and mystical and beautiful revealed in my soul. There are times when I almost can believe in elves and fairies…

Lyrics to ‘Dante’s Prayer’

I think the bad mood that’s been going around is contagious. I’m avoiding all of my sad emotional songs right now, because I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep from howling.

I’m tired. I’m weary, sick of school already. I’ve pretty much decided that I don’t like nephrology–it’s boring and all of their pictures of kidney biopsies look exactly the same. Nope, urology is not for me.

I once again slept very little last night–it has been so cold in my apartment that my feet are icicles and I can’t fall asleep until they’ve warmed up. And the lack of sleep really caught up today. I arrived to class and within about ten minutes, I was sick to my stomach. I fell asleep, using my friend Steve as a pillow, barely listening to lecture. I left after that hour, went to the quiet lounge and crawled onto the very soft and comfortable leather couches and slept for the next two hours. Some kind soul turned off the light–bad idea. Every time somebody would come in, they’d turn on the light, see me, gasp and turn it hurriedly off. On, off, flickering beneath my eyelids… Finally, I just told someone to leave it on, and I fell asleep.

I sleep hard on that sofa, deeply. It is incredibly conducive to sleep–I know; I have spent many hours on that sofa, pretending to study, but never give much of a fight when it claims me in its siren song.

I woke up in time to catch my last class… A waste of time, really. I’m so far behind and it’s only three days into the block. I haven’t done an ounce of study, and I’ve already missed around 7 hours of lecture, which I now have to read the notes for. (sigh). I haven’t wanted to study; part of me still wants it to be Christmas. I have so many projects that I want to at least make a good dent in, before I get swamped down with tests again.

And besides, Chris gets back on Sunday, and will want to hit the books hard then, to catch up on all that he missed, so what’s the point of doing it twice? He’s in Thailand right now, rock-climbing with his girlfriend and some other first years… Who goes on a vacation to go rock-climbing?? But, he tells me that he rode an elephant, so I guess they’re doing other things and, yeah, I’m kinda envious. I want to be gone on vacation right now…

I miss Chris. I miss seeing him in class and at least having some kind of buffer to get through the school days. We were grating on each other’s nerves by the end of the block, we had spent so much time in each other’s company, but that’s passed. Right now, I think I just miss everybody. My roommate is visiting family, the other one, my sister is working. And it’s lonely in my house since Sam left, there’s not any laughter and silliness… I want her to move back and just quit the stupid Army (hint, hint, if you’ve reading this again 🙂 ). I want everybody to move back: Sam, Brooke, Susan. I miss my friends.

I don’t understand why everybody has to grow up and leave.

Back to the code. Now that I’ve got the menu figured out, I have to design the billion other pages.

And I’m going to bed tonight by midnight!

It snowed here. A lot. Outside my house, there’s about 14 inches. 14!! And it’s still falling.

It’s beautiful. I am such a winter personality. I love the magic of a snow storm. That line that Lorelai says in GG, during the first snow storm, yeah, she was channelling me.

So the trip to AZ is in limbo because my parents aren’t sure if they want to battle the elements all the way done and then on the way back, ’cause it’s supposed to snow again on Tuesday. Kinda disappointed, but since it took us about 6 hours to get to my apartment in SLC (my parents live about three hours away normally), I really can’t complain too much. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

So what am I doing right now? I remembered last night, when I should have been sleeping, that I had forgotten to do an assignment. And if I don’ turn it in, in the next day or so, I’ll fail. Yeah. Oh, and I also remembered that I forgot the shoes that I had tramped all over the valley trying to exchange them because they were too big. Weird thoughts come to you late at night, I tell ya.

And am I a really bad GG fan if I admit that I don’t like a particular fanfic that has almost become canon, it’s talked about so much. Shivery was updated today (or yesterday) and I tried yet again to read it. I really did. This is at least the third attempts. And (I hate to say this), I can’t stand it. The story starts out so circular that I lose the story line and I’m so confused. And then, that’s when it gets dark, and I end up feeling awful about the world. Her writing is remarkable, filled with images that live, I’ll give her that, she certainly makes me feel, but… eh. It’s just not me, I guess. And I do read quite a few of the darker fics and enjoy them, I just don’t know. But it’s such the standard for GG fic, that I fear I’ll be stoned for my dissent.

(Sigh). Back to describing the layout of my doctor’s office. And this is what I’m paying thousands of dollars for…

Update news: Finished chapter 6 of Like Never Before at 4:30 am this morning. WHEEE!! I never thought I’d get that one out–what a difficult birth! When I started thinking about this story last summer, I knew what was going to happen the first few chapters, a couple in the middle, and then the last chapters. But these middle ones were a complete mystery. This chapter in particular took a turn that I was not expecting. I would say that it wrote itself, but I practically had to force the words on the paper! It will be posted on FF.net this evening!!

I had hoped to finish off chapter 7 too, but alas, I have run out of time. I’m having surgery tomorrow morning and only have time to tie up all of my real-life obligations.

This is the first time that I’ve really actually felt scared for a surgery. Maybe it’s because I now know what goes on behind the mask and maybe it’s this fear that something will go wrong this time and change my carefully laid plans. I have complete trust in my doctor, he’s one of the best surgeons around (and besides that, he’s really cute!), but there’s still that worry.