(Typed yesterday. Apparently all it took was connecting his internet to my computer. Sometimes I amaze myself.)

I am an extremely private person.

Those of you who have been reading this journal might be surprised to hear that, seeing as I am usually open and excessively verbose on this forum, but it’s true. Two and a half years ago, when I started this journal, I never foresaw that I would use it in such a way. At first, this was a place where I could update my faithful readers on the progress of my stories, or rant about not getting reviews, or expound on events in the world. Quickly, that mutated and became my actual journal–the place where I recorded my daily events and inner thoughts–things that I actually wasn’t telling friends in real life.

In conversation, I’m more than likely to start asking questions to my partner, and I rarely volunteer information (you’ll find that’s true if you IM with me as well!). You ask, I’m more than willing to answer (and then I talk too much!) — but you have to ask first. Part of it’s probably leftover from high school damage, the other is probably my personal psychological issues. I’m not really an introvert because I love being around people and I can usually charm anybody and expound on any issue. But I don’t talk about my current crushes, my dating life, my frustrations and insecurity–unless it’s 3 o’clock in the morning when I’m weak and vulnerable–then I’ll spill all of my secrets. (That’s why, besides the religious/spiritual reasons, that I will never touch alcohol. If sleepiness can make me so inhibited, I hate to think what alcohol would do). In college, Susan got me to talk, Sam and Liz can once in a while, but otherwise, I’m pretty close-lipped–I don’t even tell Chris half of what I say here!

Talking to the “outside world” has been different. This LJ has really allowed me to open up and be myself completely. As much as I care about all of you in friendlist land, I still don’t have to see your faces, your reactions after you read my entries, and that makes it easier, a little less personal. I can still pretend that I’m writing to myself in my private little journal, while getting the gratification of response and insight from other people–who don’t personally know who I’m talking about. And I can indulge myself in my gushings about fandom related stuff – something that I really try to rein in with real conversations for the sanity of all. It’s been perfect, I’ve made close friends, developed my writing skills, and found the vent that I needed.

Why am I saying all of this? Becka and I were talking yesterday about courage, taking chances and being open.–she’s been an amazing role model for that. I still can’t go up to any current crushes and demand that they notice me, but I did decide to make one very big, courageous (and completely unrelated) move for me.

My friends had been bugging me to tell them about all of my interviews and trips–and every time I opened up an email window, I froze. I couldn’t figure out how to say what I wanted to say–even though I had already said it here. It seemed so mechanical to write “and then I did this, and I decided this.” I thought about cutting and pasting from LJ–but so much of what’s been going on has been a process that it would have been a really really long email!

So for the first time, I made my entries public (for the time being. It makes me nervous being completely exposed to the crazies out there) … and I told my real life friends about my blog and pointed them all here.

Plethora, dear friends of mine, welcome to the ramblings and insights of Julia. I’m really nervous about this, much like if I had handed over my personal diary and read over your shoulder, watching your reactions. I hope you’re not too offended with me for keeping this from you. Feel free to make yourself at home–comment if you like, say hi to everyone else, get an LJ so I can make you legitimate and friend you properly. In some ways, I think I may have to ignore your presence until I get used to this–don’t take it personally, it’s just going to take me some time to adjust.

(More stories to come, including the excitement of 12 standardized patients in 6 hours plus 30 minutes for a “light meal” and another 15 minutes of break, where they threw away my cookie. Meanies. But I think I passed.)

I am a Superhero at procrastination. I should make myself a big cape and sew a P on my chest. But I’ll probably find other things to occupy my time.

Consider how I spent my day.

I woke up early to take my friend to the airport (she’s flying down to Uruguay to beg the government to let her fiance get a Visa, so they can be married). Looks like a productive start to the day…

And I continue to be super productive by following it up with a 35 minute workout at the gym–something I haven’t done in months (as the flab on my belly is so eloquently reminding me)! Go Me!

I have a list of errands to do. Finish Visa Applications. Work on paper that resident has been bugging me about since July. Study for big freaking boards that I take on the 20th (of December).

However, after I finish my shower, I decide that since I went to bed earlish last night, I’d check my email and LJ. Read eponine119‘s fantastic short stories and clicked on the link to the inspiration/challenges. There, I read a comment about how she wished that she knew a script to randomly generate names… Hey! I could do that! I used to know HTML and javascript, and since I’m really, really, really wanting to finish my webpage by some point, it would be fun to figure out how to do it. It’d only take an hour or so… I tried javascript–didn’t work, too many variables. So what did I decide do? Wipe my hands of the project and say, “well, guess that’s it” and move on? Oh no. I decided that since all of the help that I could find recommended using PHP, that that’s what I would do.

So, it’s now about 12 hours later. Granted, I haven’t spent the ENTIRE time trying to figure it out (I did cook dinner. And watched Lost. And an episode of Firefly.). And it still doesn’t work. There’s something wrong with the code that I can’t figure out and blah.

Now I have everything that I didn’t do today to look forward to tomorrow! Yay!

It didn’t take me very long to completely convert back to my night owl routine. 🙂

So I have news.

I’m going to Kenya for a month in January!

I applied for this international rotation months ago, and didn’t it. There were 4 students picked, all of whom had had fantastic international experiences, and I was rather crushed when I didn’t get selected. I’ve been considering doing another international rotation, but that would have cost much much more money, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about going all by my lonesome to some random, 3rd world country.

Well, a couple of days ago, I got a call from the secretary organizing everything, stating that someone dropped out and there was a spot available and did I want it.

Suffice to say, I jumped on it.

I’m a little freaked out by the idea. I’ve been taking an international health class for the last eight (er, I only made it to six) weeks, where we’ve done nothing but talk about the nasty parasites, worms, fungi, viruses, etc. that you can contract at these foreign places. Almost made me swear off the idea entirely. *shudders* But I’m going to be brave and get all of my shots and bring lots of Cipro and just do it!

Ellie–I don’t know if you’ll be on at all today, but how would you feel about flying up to Kenya and maybe doing a safari type of thing for a few days? I’d be done with my stuff around the 11th of February and since we’d be on the same continent, it would be a fantastic time to meet. I have no idea how much it would cost or anything. I’m supposed to let the secretary know my plans by tomorrow night (she told me this afternoon. Sheesh), so that they can arrange tickets and everything. Will you be around to chat today? 2ish my time?

I start my interviews next week. I have been feeling nervous about them–more so about the dinner with the residents the next before, where I have to make charming, small talk with people I’ve never met before–until Chris’s comment today of “Everybody loves you, you’ll charm everybody.” Sometimes I forget why I keep him around–and then he reminds me. Why he has so much faith in me, I have no idea. Of course, this feeling of calm will probably only last until this weekend, but I’m enjoying it while I can. I have to go shopping for a suit tomorrow/Friday. Have completely outgrown (and not in the good way) the one I bought for medical school. Hopefully, this time, I’ll manage to remove all of the tags before the interview.

And I think that’s the quick and dirty update.

Still hating the applications. Only more.

I’ve been really hoping that I’d be able to mail them off on Thursday, with overnight delivery, so that they’d be received by Friday. Well. I’ve only got one letter (that I know of because the Student Affairs office is run by a bunch of moronic idiots (and that’s not redundant, because believe me, they deserve every adjective of the sort I can provide) and the person who’s SOLE job for the entire year is to open up the little envelopes and put them in files and email us when we’ve received a letter … is gone on vacation. That’s right. And apparently, there’s not a single other person in the 20 people employed who can do it either. So they just pile up, and up. Did I tell you that they lost my letter last week? Yeah. So feeling the love)…. Anyway, I’m waiting for the other two. I apparently have to get a new picture to send in. And the essay is still only 300 words, when it should be closer to 900 by this time. I’ve got ideas, and I really like the first 300 words, but… I work best under stress, right?

*sigh*

I started a new rotation today, my “sub-intership” in internal medicine where I basically function as an intern, only my resident has to cosign everything I do. It’s already kicking my butt– I am so over my head. In three months, I’ve forgotten everything–and I’m expected to know a lot more by this point too. It took me six hours (yes, you read that right) to see one patient, write up his history and physical (H&P), discuss it with the chief resident (whom I stunned with my absolutely lac of EKG reading skills), write up the admit orders, cross out and add to my assessment/plan, discuss with the attending physician, make more orders, find resident so he can sign orders, dictate H&P, remember that I had forgotten most important order of all, add on order, talk to patient again about his home medication, add on that order, find resident again to sign orders, and finally, sign out patient to the cross-covering intern. Six hours. So much for my early afternoon that I had counted on.

My resident does happen to be one of my absolute favorite residents in the entire world–seriously, I nominated him for teaching awards because he was fantastic and half the reason that I’m thinking crazy thoughts about doing two residencies. I am crazy. Out of my freaking mind. I really hope that the end of these four weeks doesn’t change his opinion about me.

On a funny note… claidheamhmor, I had a dream about you. Or actually you and your wife, whom the only picture I’ve seen is her little user picture that she uses when she responds to you. I dreamed that you and your family were coming to the United States to move here, but your wife was coming early to scoop out the places that you wanted to visit. So I took her to see the Grand Canyon and a little cabin on the side of the cliffs that she decided that she wanted to live in. But it was flood season and she was worried that your picture was going to get wet. So the rest of the dream, I spent coming up with ideas to keep that pic dry and move it from one location to another–going all over the country, in fact. Weird, yes, I know. I don’t think that Freud would even know what to make of my dreams. I think this is the first time that I’ve dreamt of my lj friends!

Arrr, maties, tis ye ol’ sea wench, hear to remind ye, that this day dar be “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, so ye scum bett’r be a’growlin’. Best ya smartly visit this here site and learn’d you Piratey lessons or risk bein’ a lubber.

🙂

Just an excuse to post really, but I’m so glad that I actually caught it this year!

Things are going better. With Chris’s help of connecting me to the right secretary (never underestimate the power of an excellent secretary) and much groveling, begging forgiveness and promising to not let my responsibilities slip again, I managed to salvage (I think) my letter of recommendation. I have a bad feeling that it won’t be so full of praise and gushings as it would have been a week ago, but I’m settling for what I can get. Hopefully, it’ll be enough.

I had an excellent weekend. Friday night was the annual All-School Picnic. Hard to believe that I’ve now attended my last picnic– I felt old there, the old model about to be phased out. I didn’t have any interest in meeting the first years, when in years past, I had a great time meeting new people. I did have an unexpected encounter with a particular crush, which, as always, occurred when I was not prepared for even the possibility, and therefore left me feeling awkward, unsocial, unattractive, and blah. And yes, since I am now in full denial mode and have imagined it away, we’re keeping it vague. But you can probably all figure out who anyway (and the picture below should have left no doubt!) Bah.

I spent much of the rest of the weekend with Chris. After not seeing him for more than about an hour for weeks, it was like old times and I just had a great time. I’ve really missed my friend. His life is more and more drifting away from mine–I found out that he’s moving in with his fiancee and future in-laws in a week, something that he neglected to tell me–and in just a few short months, we’re going to be thousands of miles apart. So we hung out with friends Friday night after the picnic (and managed to avoid talking about medicine for two and a half hours! A record!) and went shopping together at the outdoor store garage sale (I bought a tent! Whee!) and went to two movies on Saturday, Just Like Heaven (very cute. Sappy of course, and the medical parts of it made me groan, but I was a sucker for it) and An Unfinished Life (which would have been greatly improved by the absence of JLo. And Ellie shirerain: Your boy was in it! Of course he played the wife-beater villain and had a sneer on his face much of the time, but I can see a little why you like him. 🙂 Damian looks a little like Seth Green. Hopefully this will mean that there will be more pics around of him for you!). It was such a blast and just what I needed to recharge my batteries a little.

It’s my last week on Peds Neuro. I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids, but it has confirmed my decision that Peds is not for me. I love working with the kids (except when they’re 3 and stubborn and won’t touch your finger when you ask them too!), but the parents can be quite overwhelming (it’s funny how different people can get when they’re seeking medical help for their kids rather than themselves), and I’ve had some heartbreaking cases with some pretty sick kids. So it’s adults for me.

And lastly, your opinion… picture quiz!

“The deadline for application for PGY-II (Post-Graduate Year) beginning July 2007 is September 15, 2005.” September 15th. As in two weeks. I’ve got no personal statement, no letters, a skeleton of an application (I think I’ve got the equivalent of the ribs completed).

I’m so screwed.

This day has been one joy after another. The neurology dept. managed to mess up my schedule once again, in which I freaked out because as it stood, I would be spending two weeks shadowing a nurse around–number 1, I’m way beyond just shadowing. Give me some patients of my own! Number 2,a nurse ain’t going to be able to write that stellar letter of recommendation that I need so badly. I actually went and confronted them about it–no tears (yay!), but they’ve (sortof) fixed my schedule. I’ll be doing child neuro for the next two weeks, and then the last two weeks in the neuro critical care unit (basically an ICU for neuro issues) with an attending.

I did get most of the day off and have spent it looking at various programs that I may want to badger into accepting me–and then finding out that many of the programs have deadlines in two weeks. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Honestly, any more of these “setbacks” and “challenges” and I’m taking it for a sign and just dropping neuro. I’ll be very happy just doing internal medicine, thank you very much–and *they* seem very happy to help me out too.

I did get to see Chris for a few hours and commiserate. The poor boy is probably even busier than I. He’s actually taking the year off to do an Public Health Master’s as well as an MBA. Last week, he started both programs and was finishing a rotation in ER (that’s why you didn’t get to meet him, Donna!) and has more papers and reading and tests than we ever had to do in medical school–and that’s saying something. I don’t envy him. Well, except for his wonderful resume that he gets out of all of it. Between my schedule and his, the next time we see each other will probably be November–just in time for me to fly for the few interviews that I get.

Having Donna (donnazita) here this past weekend was awesome. We had such a lovely time, with great food, great conversation, great sightseeing. She’s even gotten me excited about the new Goblet of Fire movie, which I thought was an impossibility! I got to show her many of my favorite haunts–she was properly impressed by the wonderfulness that is our new City Library–seriously, folks, you should all come out and visit me just to see the incredible place. There were definitely a few places that we didn’t get it, which means that she must come back soon! It made me sad to think that I might be leaving this place in just a few months. I really love my city–it’s warm, friendly, and feels like home. But there’s a good part of me that feels like I need to get away. I’ve been here for college and now med school. The dating atmosphere leaves a lot lacking *snort* and I’d love to meet new people, be in a new environment. We’ll see. I guess I should just concentrate on getting that appy completed, eh?

Would anybody out there be willing to read my two personal statements this weekend? I just need lots of people looking over them, making sure there aren’t grammar errors and that all of the ideas flow well together. Believe me, it won’t be heavy on medical-ese; in fact one of them will have part that you’ve already read before from one of my journal entries. Pretty, pretty please?

Heads you lose. Tails they win.

I had a mini-breakdown today.

Not a major one–there were only a few tears and just a little bit of alkalosis lightheadedness from hyperventilating–nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a evening spent with my favorite doctor, Hawkeye Pierce, couldn’t fix, but it’s the sign of “things to come.”

And all because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life–and this feeling of dread that I’m messing everything up.

I went to the school today–to change my schedule so that I’m doing my Sub-intership in Internal medicine in October, instead of January like I had originally planned, and to talk to the neurology coordinator so that I could figure out what exactly I’m doing for my rotation in 10 days.

I got my schedule fixed–but to change it like I did meant that I’d be doing my rotation at a different hospital than where I had hoped–which means the letters of recommendation that I could get won’t be as good because they don’t have the necessary “prestige” and name recognition.

The neurology person wasn’t there, so before heading out, I went to our student lounge to check mail and email. A notice in my inbox informed that my registration had been processed and I was now $100 cheaper and able to complete the Neurology match.

I’m not even sure if I want to Neurology anymore. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is fears that are choking me, because four months ago, I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. It could be the acrid “great enthusiasm, worked on weekends, interested in the field” evaluation that I got from my attending professor–the same attending that I am to meekly beg for a letter of recommendation. Or the fact that while everybody I worked with in internal medicine are turning circles around me, trying to convince me that that is the field I want to be in, I’ve just received indifference from the neuro folks. “Oh you like neurology. Oh, that’s interesting.” Or have I just forgotten how much neuro fit me–how much it excited me, because it’s been almost a year since I did the rotation.

I liked my internal med rotations a lot. At first, I blamed that on my extremely cute doctor (who is still very cute and apparently still single. So why do I feel like a junior high student with a crush on her teacher??), but the second time around that was not the case, and I still liked it. But do I like it as a career? Or am I considering it because getting letters of recommendation won’t be quite as painful from them.

I hate waffling. I hate this sick feeling in my gut that tells me that time is running out and the decision needs to be made. If I just flipped the coin, would I feel better?

It’s ironic. I’m a medical student, have worked for six months in the wards. I talk to patients and their families every day, am present for the discussions with the family about “Do Not Resuscitate” orders and quality of life. One day, I will be the one who signs the death certificate.

But I have never seen death, except in an anatomy lab where we didn’t talk about bodies, but cadavers, as if there was something different about lying on a cold table with chemicals infused in the tissue than resting underground. My patients who have passed on did so late at night or in a care facility and I was not involved. By the time I found out, the sheets had been changed and another person had taken over the room–the hospital is never lacking in the ill.

I’ve never had a person close to me die. My mom’s dad died when she was 15. She doesn’t talk about him much, just a little bit about how he worked hard but still would laugh with his family at night. But he worried all the time, about how the world was going to pieces, and according to the family, that’s what killed him at 49. My other grandparents are getting older, but are still in relatively good health, and it’s hard to imagine them not being around for several more years.

One of my friend’s father died on Friday, an unexpected heart attack. Sam’s grandfather died Sunday morning–he had been in the ICU for a week, but he had just been sent home with health care, expected to live a few more years, so he could go to Sam’s wedding in a year, or at the very least, be around for the Christmas party in a week.

Adding to this feeling of entrapment, I got to school today, and found out that one of the medical students had died in an avalanche on Saturday. He was the boyfriend of Chris’s old roommate. I met him several times, he had a nice laugh and we all ate dinner together once. I know his girlfriend very well. She’s a fourth year, with a bright smile and full of advice on how to survive my clerkships and drove Chris nuts because she is too messy as a roommate. But there’s a picture of her in the news paper, sobbing.

I’m not writing this begging for sympathy. All of these people were just acquaintances, people who floated in and out of the periphery of my life… except their deaths affect people close to me. And I am at a lose for words of comfort over a telephone, a gesture beyond a silent hug, which I hope conveys all of the pain that I feel for them.

I’m not exactly scared of death… I believe in an afterlife and I have seen enough in the past month to realize that there are many things worse than death. Lying in a bed, a tube breathing for you, your mind shut down and unable to respond, just waiting for an infection or another stroke to kill you. But it’s a different thing when it’s a blink of an eye, unexpected and unfair… Now, my mind is filled with worries and what-ifs. It’s been creeping closer to me, and sooner or later, it will touch me personally. All of a sudden, I’m confronted with m own mortality and worse, that of my family and friends. It happens to everyone and soon, this protection of distance and impersonality will fail…

Article about Melvin’s death: http://www.sltrib.com/search/ci_2487012

Just popping in to say I’m alive and well.

I changed rotations, finished with Internal Medicine last week. I was so sad to see it go, because I had such a great time. It’s definitely on the list of career possibilities–however, I have another 6 weeks of it next spring, so I’ll hold off until then to make my decision. It has everything that I like–the patient interaction, getting to see neat cases (I saw a guy with mercury poisoning… it was so cool!) that I’ve only read about in textbooks, making medical decisions, the integration of all different fields…

So, now I’m radiology…. and I miss Internal Medicine even more. I decided to postpone my surgery rotation because of the problems with my shoulder and so I’m doing a 4th year elective. I’m the only third year–and because of that, I have the residents convinced that I’m a gunner and going into radiology. One resident practically told me that I HAD to get honors. I don’t like having that kind of pressure. I like to do a good job, I’m trying to do a good job, but please don’t expect me to blow you away!

It’s been *interesting* so far. Everyday, I go to work, where I sit in a darkened room and stare at a computer screen trying to differentiate between grey blobs. I have 4 hours of lecture of day, where I sit in a darkened room staring at a Power Point presentation, trying to differentiate between grey blobs. I have fallen asleep at every noon lecture. And I was 45 minutes late today, because I could not make myself care enough to get there in time to just fall asleep, when I could be having much better sleep in my own bed.

No, it’s going better than the first day (I seriously thought I was going to die), and it certainly is more enjoyable now that I can identify a few more grey blobs (I’m getting good at the pancreas!), so we’ll see. Maybe I’ll be singing it’s praises by the end. 🙂

I’ve just been taking it easy for the last few days… I went to the library and got fiction books for the first time since at least May (stayed up way too late last night reading Sorcery and Cecelia by Patricia Wrede… maybe that’s why I’m tired?), and Ellie shirerain and I spent a couple of days playing around with my layout journal, which I lovelovelove. All of the pretty colors is because of her. The painting is by James C Christensen, who is one of my favorite artists of all times. All of his paintings are whimsical and breathtaking and for a moment, convince me that I do believe in magic. And he puts flying fish in half of his art too, can you get any cooler?

Toodles!

Pssst…. If any of you have not checked out teh_music, may I suggest that you hie there immediately? I’ve gotten such great music that I have not been able to get my hands on… *contented sigh*

Remember the Julia way back in April and May, who was so scared for third year that she more than once just considered quitting, debt or no debt?

I don’t even recognize her anymore.

There’s no doubt in my mind that this is where I’m supposed to be. Every day I’m reminded why I love medicine so much. It’s the best feeling in the world, knowing that yes, while I’m clumsy and still gawky, I love doing this, I can do this, and yes, other people believe that I can do it too.

I’m on internal medicine right now, which is basically taking care of ill patients in a hospital setting. As long as they’re not dying or we’re concerned that they could die (those people are in the ICUs), they come to us. Everything that I learned in class last year, yep, I’ve gotten a patient with it. I guess I should have studied glomerular nephritis a little harder, eh?

Just to give you a clue into the workings of the hospital (I had no idea before I started), I’m work with a team of another medical student (detour: I really miss working with Chris!), two interns (about two months post-med school graduates), a resident and one of three attending physicians (licensed, qualified phyisican) that rotate every week or so, The attendings are hospitalists, which means he basically admits and takes care of any one sick in the hospital who’s not needing surgery and those patients get passed down to us.

The first week was dull. Really dull. Our team hardly admitted anyone, I sat around a lot, clueless as to what exactly I was supposed to be doing and just feeling like I was wasting my time. But slowly, the patients starting trickling in and I started getting more involved with their care, and it’s been fabulous since then. I’ve had more than one patient actually think that I was their doctor… of course, I straightened that out really quickly, but it was a nice feeling to think that others thought I was competent enough.

And the last couple of days, I’ve taken on enough responsibility that I’m functioning as an mini-intern. I’m deciding the plan of actions and ordering tests (all of this discussed at great length with the attending of course!) and I’m admitting patients and doing their history and physical, then making sure that everything is arranged for their discharge when that happens. I think my interns and residents like me, and my attending told me that I was doing a great job… I seriously danced around my car after that.

I didn’t mention that my attending is hot, did I? The kind of geeky athletic hotness that wows me every time. I seriously doubt that he’s a day over 30 (yes, that my friends, is still young to me!) and looks younger. Of course, he sort of has a girlfriend, but that’s so easily forgettable. Me likes eye candy. Hence part of the reason for the dancing.

Chris is on psych right now and having a terrible time. His resident is a pain and apparently has depression, and he really hates the “medicate them up!” attitude–his parents are both psychologists with thriving therapy practices, so I think he has seriousy misgivings about the overuse of antipsychotic drugs. I think he’s found one specialty to completely cut off the list! I only get to see him about one a week, but we talk every couple of days, so it’s not too bad.

Not much else going on with me. I tried really really really hard to get LNB finished before you headed off to college, Marissa, but it didn’t work. Maybe a Christmas present?

Wow, actually a happy post from Julia, with no blubbering? Amazing! Folks, this is a once in a lifetime occurrence here!

I think I’ve lost the ability to breath.

Erik’s engaged.

Even writing the words hurts more than it should, and I can’t look at them again. I’m just sitting here, blinded by my eternal patheticness.

I don’t know even how to explain how I feel. I shouldn’t feel so strongly. I haven’t seen him for two years and I haven’t been in love with him for a while now. I finally grew past that. I’m not good at letting go, but Erik I’ve never wanted to let go, not completely.

He was my first crush, my first love. I fell for him in the eighth grade because he went to Norway and came back and had all of these exciting stories. He was cute, he was funny, he was super nice to me, treated me as a friend, and I adored him. I knew his strengths, his weaknesses and I loved everything about him. I truly did. Everyone I’ve ever met has been compared to him and has fallen short. I’ve nursed so many fantasies that I knew were pathetic but I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t know him anymore, it’s true… Our lives have diverged and I don’t know if he laughs the same way anymore. But the thing was, he doesn’t know me either, and I’m so different from how I was in high school. I guess a part of me has just always hoped that one day, one day, things would finally align and he would finally see me. That although we had diverged and changed since high school, it would really be what brought us together. I’ve always felt, deep inside and I’ve never been able to get rid of it, that he was “the one.” And when he didn’t get married, when he didn’t date anyone, I saw that as confirmation.

And now he’ll be married in a month.

Part of me is angry too, that once again, love has passed me by, and I am still alone. He’s getting married and he still lives in my home town where there is nobody and yet, he’s managed to find someone. And I can’t even get a casual date.

It’s just adding to this feeling that I’ve been drowning in recently. I haven’t talked for three months to the woman I’ve considered my best friend of seven years. She and her husband came to visit family over the Fourth of July and she didn’t even called me. I’ve called her several times and she’s never returned my phone calls. How do I not take that personally? My friendship with Liz has turned so superficial since she moved out. And Chris… we’re going to be on completely different rotations starting tomorrow for the entire year. How long is it going to take before he’s a mere shadow in my life? I’m scared that I’m losing everybody, that everything that I’ve loved is just delusion. That everything that I’ve felt has just been me, and that people were just putting up with me until they could find an excuse to leave.

I hate feeling pathetic.

Wow, once again, long no update from me. Tsk tsk.

And even though it’s almost a month later…. thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your notes of congratulations about my boards. It’s been such an exhaustingly busy month that I only just realized that I never told you how much your words meant to me. You all had much more faith in my abilities and it was soul-enriching to have that faith confirmed. So *BIG HUGS* I love you all, I really do. Reading about your life and struggles and inspiration has made us friends… And there’s so much in my life, that II keep thinking of to share with you, and of course, I run out of time and don’t get to it, but please know how much you mean to me.

I just finished my rotation today, took the written final (contrary to my happy post eons ago, I still unfortunately have tests. Blah.) Yesterday, I had the practical and oral exam portion–which I thought that I blew. I knew the disease that they were quizzing me about, inside and out, but I never even mentioned the major (and only) treatment for the disease! I could have killed myself… But when I got my evaluation back today, the doctors didn’t even seem to notice! If I did well on the written (which, as always could have gone either way), I may have gotten honors. Honors! *shakes head in disbelief*

My evaluations from all of my residents basically said the same thing: I need to work on the confidence thing and take initiative… It sounds so simple, but it’s much harder to implement. I know it’s one of my weaknesses, but it’s hard to wipe away a lifetime of feeling insignificant, a part of the grey background.

Can you believe that it’s been six weeks already? The time (for the most part) flew by. The last part, the Gyn rotation was difficult. While I enjoyed the cases that I got to see and the patients that I followed on the floor (if they were admitted), it was physically hard on my body to the point that I could barely move at the end of a day. I knew that I hadn’t healed as well as I had hoped from my last surgery a year ago. I’ve had three surgeries on my right shoulder and each time it’s taken longer to get back function… I’ve got full range of motion but my strength is dismal, as I discovered when trying to hold back retractors for the surgeons for minutes and hours at end. And now, I’m starting to “feel” my other shoulder. The last CT scan showed that I had a tumor under the scapula on that side, and if I have to have surgery again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Yes, I survived Gyn, but I’ve also got 8 weeks of surgery coming up in a month and a half, where it will be the same thing–only longer and harder. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it–that that will be my limit and the stressing factor that sends me into the spiral of more surgeries…

Enough of that. It won’t do any good worrying about it. And I’ve fretted and worried enough already. No, I really am doing good. I loved my rotation so much that it’s really lit the passion again for all of this… Medicine is truly what I love, I’m in the right spot, and somehow I’ll make it through everything.

I was asked twice on rotations if I was pregnant. Yeah. Those were great days. I’d love to blame it on the scrubs–they fit everybody ill, but… So, now I gotta add weight loss to my to-do list. *sigh* 🙂

It was Chris’s birthday on Monday. His girlfriend threw him a surprise birthday party last Friday–I was in charge of transporting him to the condo… Much amusement, especially when I had him put a towel over his head so he wouldn’t guess where we were going. The looks we got from other drivers had me in hysterical fits. It was fun. Met some of his old high school friends, which I always hate doing. I never feel more stupid than trying to make small talk with people. All of his buddies are these athletic, super smart, witty people… Seeing them, I still have no idea how Chris and I became friends… No, you think that it’s just my self-esteem issues coming out again, but really? We have so little in common sometimes, I can’t see how we got from point A to B.

Anyway, for his birthday, I made him a collage of some of his pictures from his travels and friends (trying to get on his computer and sneakily download his pics was a challenge!) and then finally, at the party got some pics of the two of us. We’ve been friends for over a year, and these are the first pics I’ve had of him And since I love sharing photos:
Chris and Julia, just click on the images. Some of them look pretty crappy–the flash only worked some of the time and I’m not clever enough with the photo editing programs to get them to look right. I’m the red-head, btw. 🙂 The one of him in Thailand is probably my favorite. It captured him perfectly when he’s trying to be charming.

And yep, that’s Melissa, his girlfriend of a year and a half now. She introduced me at the party as “Chris’s other girlfriend.” Melissa and I get along really well, I like her very much and I think she’s been fabulous for Chris, but when she says things like that, I’m never quite sure how to take it. Most of the time, she seems to be joking, taking it in stride, and then this trace of acid taints her voice and I wonder…

PS…. I heard through the rumor vines that Becka got a new job!!! Congratulations!!! I’m so excited for you. You need to give me details!

Just a quick note of hi before I head home for the weekend. I have (had) three whole days off, due to the 24th of July holiday. Sweeeeet! I’ve never loved my pioneer ancestors more.

Day off has been nice. Helped Chris move, cleaned my bathroom. Yep, nice and boring.

Have to run….

Pssst…. I passed my boards! 🙂

I am sooooo loving my week off!! Just got back from North Carolina… Had a wonderful time, hanging out with Sam and her boyfriend and her roommate. Fort Bragg was not quite like I expected, but then I’m always surprised by new places. It wasn’t as hot and humid as Sam had threatened–but then it rained most of the time, keeping it pretty cool. She showed me her new place that she’s moving into in a week, and it made me go lusty. It’s a real house–two stories, with enough rooms that a vagabond could take a room downstairs and they’d never even realize it. And it has a patio, and living room and formal sitting room, with hardwood floors. I’m so in love with it–I want a real house so badly, with a real sofa–no more apartments. I’m thinking about doing my family practice rotation there, and Sam’s offered to let me stay with her… It would be so fantastic.

Didn’t meet all of the cute boys that Sam promised me. No, I take that back. I did meet a few, but they were very inebriated (I have no idea how they managed to drive themselves to the bar) and maybe I am a prude, but I prefer to be remembered for at least a few minutes… And, really, the military haircut looks good on very few. The uniform–hot. Crewcuts–not so much.

But I’m off again in an hour. My parents and I are going camping for a few days up in Wyoming. We haven’t been on a family vacation in years, and neither of my sisters could get work off, so it’s just the three of us. We’re just wandering over the state, exploring some of the mountains that we’ve missed. It’ll be nice and relaxing… I tend to write on vacations, so I’m bringing along a notebook and my drabble book. Here’s hoping that LNB manages to find its way to paper!

Ciao!

It is official! Julia has passed her second year of medical school!!!!

I’m so excited! No more finals. No more classes with droning teachers. None. It’s rather weird, actually. For the past 19 years of my life, that’s what I’ve done. Gone to school. Sat in classes. Listened to teachers. Taken tests. And now, it’s a shift from theoretical to the practical–I’ll be learning from patients and doctors in a hands-on version for the rest of my life. Wow.

I’ve always been weird–I hate the last day of classes. As much as the first day of class. Mostly because it represents this abrupt change in my life that I have no control over. And I loathe change. So, now I’m feeling this bittersweet feeling because, it is over, and I can’t get that part of my life back again. I won’t be seeing my classmates as a group until fourth year. Honestly, someone could drop out and I wouldn’t even know it. It’s a weird sensation–I’ve spent so much time with these people and now, I’ll only see the six people who share my rotation. It makes me sad.

I start board study tomorrow. 😛 I guess things don’t change THAT much.

*hugs f-list tightly* Have I told you all recently how wonderful you are? You Are Amazing.

Things are going a tiny bit better. Liz got an apartment last night, she’ll be moving out before the end of the month. Knowing that’s it’s inevitable has kinda made it a little easier. And I did tell her that I was sad about it. Hopefully, things will shift to normal again. And I need to get over feeling sorry for myself.

And I’m caught up on my reading! Of course, I understand nothing, but there’s a chance that I won’t fail the test on Friday. Next week’s tests are still debatable. 😛 Still sick of school. Most recent fantasies have involved becoming a hermit in the hills. I can eat lots of Dinty Moore stew and wash in streams. Hey, since I haven’t had water in my apartment for the past two days, I’m almost used to that dirty feeling. 🙂 No, just kidding. Ransacked my friends’ apartment to shower… I love showers. I love water.

And, yes, I did end up watching GG. Still blah. I honestly can’t believe that they pulled such a rating stunt. LL were cute, I’ll grant you that. And I love the townspeople. I’m hoping that Rory gets completely shunned by them forever.

Everybody’s already said everything… I think we’re all disgusted.

A few years ago, Liz and I were overcome with the urge to inflict all of the cast of Dawson’s Creek with a nice STD. One that would cause a great deal of pain and more importantly, make them all infertile… Yep, I’m thinking a nice STD would be just about right…

Well, it’s the end for me. I had agonized how I was going to manage to tape and watch it in my few brief moments of spare time next year, but I’m glad that’s one less thing for me to worry about. 🙂

And to the three people who may have been interested (I already told Marissa), I think it very unlikely that I’ll be finishing Like Never Before. I have no desire to write Rory. None. I know that my Rory is completely different, she’s actually shows some maturity and self-awareness, but it would still require getting into her head and I don’t want to. On top of that, I’m completely stressed out (hmm, didn’t you guys know?) and don’t have the time to devote to it. I feel bad, because I did pretty much have it completely plotted out, but… So for now, it’s shelved. Maybe in a year, I’ll return to it.

I did write out the scene where Rory told Jess that she loved him–I wrote that months ago. It’s still a little fragmented, but if anybody would like to read it and get some kind of (good kind, I promise!) closure, just email me, and I’ll pass it on.

I don’t think I’m entirely done writing for GG. As upset as I’ve been, I do still love the *classic* show. I’ve got some ideas… a story that’s just phone conversations between Luke and Jess… showing Jess moving on and being happy…. how everybody came to Stars Hollow. Lots of Luke/Jess drabbles. Nothing for Rory, except maybe one where everybody spits on her.

I hate days like this.

The stress of the last week and the increasing burden caught up with me today… Almost started crying in church. Then, after going to study with Chris and him being an hour late, I did break down. Started crying in Starbucks. We went out on the grass and I just bawled. Poor guy. He really should consider psychiatry, he’s pretty good at it.

There’s just so much going on right now. I’m burned out on class and this last section–yeah, I don’t understand it at all. On top of it all, I have this massive paper I have to complete by Wednesday and these cumulative finals that I haven’t started studying for and what was that big test that my whole career depends on? The one that I should have started studying for in at least March? I have so much that I have to do, and no real end in site. Not for another year. Overheard third-years talking about how much they got screwed over in their rotations…Yeah, all those fears came flooding back. I’m going to suck during third year. I don’t do high stress situations. I’m not good at deciding what somebody else is thinking and wanting me to do. And I thought I spent an abnormal amount of time in tears this year.

This thing with Liz is absolutely killing me. I hate not talking to her. I hate that every time I do talk to her, it’s criticisms of what I could do better. The bathroom’s not cleaned, I don’t turn my alarm off early enough, I shouldn’t have bothered making those frames, even though she bothered me about them for months because she hated that the puzzles were just glued to cardboard (long boring story). Etc, etc. And to add to it, I’m constantly confronted by the fact that she is actively trying to move out. Flyers for apartments. Talking to other girls in our church. And the biting thing–she’s searching for a roommate. Any roommate that’s not me, I guess. I hate it. I hate feeling caught in the middle, like there’s nothing I can do. I’m torn between feeling like I almost hate her and then missing her so much already. Geez, I’m crying again. I so want to run away…

I think I need sleep more than anything. I always get emotional when I’m sleep deprived.

Weird… I just logged onto ff.net, and discovered that someone put me as their favorite author. Their pen name? Julia: It’s All a Dream. I wonder if it’s a sign.

Catch up with me:

Getting to the end of school. One more month to go, and I’m starting to feel the pressure. I have year-long cumulative finals in three weeks. I haven’t even started studying. I have no idea how to review a year’s worth of material… not to mention two complete years worth for the boards. June 25th. Day of Reckoning.

I’m feeling better about some things though. The past two weeks, I learned (again) how to do a complete physical exam and interview patients, etc. We visited patients in the hospital and talked to them, and learned how to present to the residents and attendings… And for the first time, third year doesn’t seem quite so daunting. I just might be about to do it.

My roommate of five years told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to move out. She came home yesterday with ad postings. I almost started crying. Our schedules are going to be night/day opposites and we share a room, so things will probably get difficult sleep-wise. I understand, and yet, I feel like I haven’t been able to breath deeply since I found out. She’s been one of my best friends for 7 years, and I can’t imagine not coming home and sitting on the couch and telling her about my day… We’ve been drifting apart recently, and I’m not sure how to fix it. Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in January and she only told me a few weeks ago…when we used to stay up until 3 in the morning telling each other everything. Now she sits on the couch playing computer games, and I come home late and write on my computer in our room…

It’s cause a great deal of reflection. Remembering our crazy dorm years. Half of the stories I can’t even relate, because they are so weird that nobody would understand why I laugh hysterically. We’ve grown up since then. All of my dorm friends (we call ourselves the Plethora), besides my roommate Liz, are married. Half have kids. We try to pretend that adulthood hasn’t crept up on us, but we didn’t used to stop the parties at 9 because the kids have to sleep.

I was reading over my journals and realized that it was a year ago, when I was writing about finally making friends in medical school, beyond just the superficial. It was a year ago that I formed a study group with Chris and Candice, then Steve joined us a few weeks later… For one summer, they were all my friends. Candice and Steve read Harry Potter aloud to me while I recovered from surgery. Chris emailed me from Europe, cheering me up when everything got me down. A beautiful summer… and then fall came. I was trying to be the support between everyone, and all I could do was watch everything crumble around me. And now, all who remains is Chris. Granted, I’ve gotten one of the best friends that I could ask for out of him, but I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I’m not worth it.

Sheesh, all I ever do is post the depressing messages here. I’m honestly not a depressed person… I’m happy with my life, I really am…. I just need use this to vent, I guess.

On a much happier note: Like Never Before, chapter 8. Finishing off those last few sentences was the best feeling in the world. Not sure if I’m entirely satisfied, and as always, I appreciate the input.

I know I’m horribly behind on commenting to people (mrschimpf, I think I left our conversation hanging in the air!) and worse, I owe about four billion reviews to bjorks_defender, _starsinhereyes and _flutter for their incredible GG stories that have taken my breath away. And shirerain I know I owe you a review, but I need time to reread over your last chapter, I was in such a hurry the first time that I didn’t get a proper chance to muse over it. But I will get to it all!

And the best news of all: Jess is back. Enough said. 🙂

Scrofula
(1) a form of tuberculosis infection, characterized by swollen cervical (neck) lymph nodes and glands.
(2) A term of endearment, used by uncle doctor and family, when kids, dog, etc. are misbehaving.
(3) Julia’s first experience with getting pimped. Her definition, since she and her uncle were talking about the dog who was wrecking havoc in the garden, “a play on words with Dracula (you know, like the book, Bunnicula).” Uncle Doctor laughed and quickly pointed out her errors in thinking, continuing “what are they teaching you in that medical school.” It was a joke. I think.

This is what my life starting in July is going to be like. Looking like an idiot because I don’t know the answers to anything. I don’t know anything. Nothing. I can’t tell you about any drugs, any diseases. It’s not what they’re teaching, it’s how little I’m remembering. Two years and I’m still clueless. And it’s going to become painfully obviously when I get to the wards that they should have let in that white Mormon boy from BYU instead of trying for diversity. Oh, the legislature and their little auditors will just love this.

Honestly, remind me again why I’m doing this?

Let continue the whining rants, shall we: I’m tired, I’m getting sick with what I’ve been told is a really nasty cold going around, I stared at the computer screen of the next chapter of LNB for four hours today and didn’t write a single word… instead, I deleted some and realized that I still haven’t figured out what Jess would say as a greeting on the phone. I haven’t talked to my best friend in over 2 months, I’m tired of being single and having no prospects, and the thought that I’m 25 and still end up carpooling and bumming rides from friend-who-is-sick-of-being-my-chaffeur, because my sister is unable to walk the four blocks to where she works. Let’s add in the guilt from when I talk to parents–whom at the age of 25 I’m still dependent on because I’m going to medical school and making absolutely no money–about said car situation and they try to figure out ways to buy other car, when they have absolutely no money because they are supporting me through medical school. I’m selfish, and whiny, and not acting like the mature adult that I ought to be.

I so just want to run away right now.

It’s been a while since I updated this journal for real. Every time, I start to post a message, something comes up and I’m swept away. I wish that it meant that I was being productive, you know, finish formatting my website, writing on my next chapter, studying for the next upcoming test. No, usually not, just little things that waste my time. Grrr.

I hope everybody had a nice Valentine’s Day, regardless of their attachment status. Becka, I was thinking of you and hoping that your day went better than you thought it would. How was your cake?

I went out to dinner with a bunch of first years women that I’ve studied with. The restaurant was so crowded, full of simpering couples–we had to wait an hour to get a table. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve never had a “relationship” go beyond a second date, so I’ve never celebrated VD with anybody special. So it may just be my singleness talking, but to me, it seems like such a cheap, over-sentimental holiday that there’s not a part of me that is dying to have a significant other to celebrate with… I don’t know, maybe it’s the flowers that wins them over, but I just don’t see the point. Although, I have a soft spot for the conversation hearts, they make me laugh.

Dinner was good for the most part… Good Italian food (Shrimp, spinach, mushrooms and pine nuts in lemon butter over pasta…Could you create a better dish?), good conversation, good people. Only one moment dulled the evening. One woman brought her friend, a fellow nurse whose name I’ve completely spaced, and apparently they’re trying to set her up with some of the (few) single guys in their class. And one of those guys they are considering is Matt. When I heard his name, my stomach lurched, my heart started beating twofold, and I know I was blushing bright enough to light a fire.

Who is Matt, you are asking? A long story and one that I haven’t talked about in a long time, but last night really disturbed me and I need to get it off my chest, so you, my poor readers, will get to hear about Matt, more than you probably wanted to know.

I met him around two years ago, when I was working in a lab before I started medical school. I didn’t even notice him for probably the first two months that I was there… He only worked a couple of days a week for a few hours, I barely saw him and I don’t think we said more than hi for ages. He’s pretty quiet and shy if you don’t know him. But we finally started talking and it suddenly dawned on me that he was cute (and he is, horribly good-looking. And I didn’t even realize it for the first six months that I knew him, I’m that dumb sometimes) and we had such a good time talking that before you knew it I was hooked.

I started medical school right when he started applying, so I kept in contact with him after I quit working. Rarely saw him, but we had a lot of fun email conversations, which added fuels to the flame.

Anyway, shortening this really boring story (I have such a hard time talking about my flings and crushes, that it all comes out forced and trite), he started going to my school, I saw him a little more, and it finally started to sink in that he wasn’t interested and he wasn’t going to be interested, so I did the whole “purge and move on” thing that I’ve almost perfected, I’ve done it so much. Unrequited love… Yeah, I’m writing a user guide on it.

Or at least I thought I had perfected that talent. The thought of him dating someone else made me positively green, and I so hated that girl. She’s too old for him anyway.

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. I mean, it’s been almost two years… Two freaking years. Granted, I’ve set the record for the longest crush–Erik, eight years–but that was mostly in high school and I can cut that some slack because it was the first crush and he was the only nice guy in my entire school. But I thought I had matured some since then.

And so now, I’m obsessing, I can’t get him out of my mind, which shows even greater maturity. And he was in my dreams last night… another bad sign.

On a good note, I noted a guy who looked strikingly like Jess… Believe me, I did a double take and was disappointed in reality. But… thick, wavy hair that stood up, short and lean. Yeah, his date probably didn’t understand why I was shooting daggers at her either!