Dear Sore Throat

Go Away. Seriously. You have long outworn your welcome. I want to be able to swallow without feeling fire in my tonsils. I want to be able to breath without coughing hard enough that I actually vomit. I want to be able to sleep and wake up feeling human. And I want to be able to talk. That one’s kinda important; see my job requires that I ask people a lot of nosy questions and I can’t do that now with my little elderly and usually deaf patients.

And really, if you must crash here, you should have brought along your little friends, Fever, Lymphadenopathy, and Exudate, because then, I’d have the chance to take antibiotics and kill you dead. Instead you just leave me with a viral illness, sick enough to be completely miserable, but not sick enough to actually call in sick.

I hate you.

Julia

You know your life is pretty pathetic when the thought that you have to get up a half hour early to shower is making you want to cry.

I fell asleep at 6 pm last night and woke up at 6. I didn’t even hear my phone ring (Chris, but I’m kinda mad at him right now, since he’s taken bloody forever to figure out his Africa trip, meaning that I have no idea when the Ireland meet up is going to take place, and tickets are dirt cheap now. A couple more days and they’ll be gone and then I’ll be royally pissed.) My body apparently needed the sleep. So why am I denying it now to write this, hmmm?

The year of 2006 is now dead, settled into his grave, as the New Year now takes over reign. But, as is my nature, I could hardly let him go without a eulogy.

Highlights, month by month (with pictures! Lots and lots and lots of pictures)

I trimmed my bangs this morning.

I just couldn’t stand the multiple layers in my eyes. But I did cut them longer than usual, so that I can grow them out this winter. Hopefully, it’ll be easier to pin them back now that they are one length, but oh, I’m not looking forward to this at all.

I just discovered that I’m on call tomorrow. So much for my plans to do my Christmas shopping. It’s never getting done.

I’m back in the NICU for the rest of the month (and the mean resident is off for the rest of the month, limiting all of my interactions with him to next to nothing) and wow, it feels good to be back home. Plus, I’m working again with my favoritest attending ever (Im much more saucy with him than I ever am with my other attendings. I’m afraid I make a bad example for the medical student!) and it’s such a joy working again, I almost don’t mind that I have to go to bed in thirty seconds to face another early and full day.

But enough with that work stuff, shall we? Jack’s becoming a very dull boy.

I’ve had a paid account for something like 3 years and I’ve never used any of the extra features (except the userpics, but with the limited amount of time, I find myself using only my default. Must change that.) So, let’s do that.

Back in October, when I went home, I went to a salon and had my hair done. First time ever. I’m the $12 hairbut kind of girl. Anyway, the stylist twitted me about my bangs, saying that it made me look like a teenager and that I needed something that more respected my age. He wanted me to grow them out, I begged him into a compromise where he cut more bangs and layered them. They were cute and short and different–for about three days, before my hair slide back into its typical flat look that it always has. *sigh* I sure wish my hair flowed and glimmered like my little userpic)

I haven’t cut my hair since, and my bangs are now hanging into my eyes. And I’m having a really hard time preventing myself from just grabbing the scissors and hacking them–or at least even them out again.

So far I’ve resisted….resisted long enough to find the time to sit down and make a poll and ask you, wise flist, about it.

I’d add pictures, but I’m still having difficulty hooking my camera up to my computer, so that will have to wait.

Here be poll

I’m sleep deprived and about to become even more sleep deprived, as I head into another call night (and have to be at work at 6. Yes, that’s six and a half hours from now).

But the thought has crossed my mind the last several days…

I am honestly, truly, completely happy here. Still lonely at times, but I’m making friends and I (mostly) like my job. I’m settling, and it’s becoming home.

Maybe this will keep me going for the next 48 hours. 🙂

I feel like a second class citizen today. For the first time since I turned 18, I didn’t vote.

I tried, oh how I did try. First it was getting an absentee ballot from Salt Lake… but I found out that I sent it to the wrong district’s office and it had to be forwarded on, so I didn’t end up getting the request made by the deadline of last Friday.

Then I found out that I could register to vote at the voting polls today. Yay! I busted my hiney to get everything in line, double checked on my patients, wrote all my orders… but we were admitting and my last admit took 3 hours to do…. then another half hour to finish things up… then another 20 minutes signing out to the on-call resident.

I was ten minutes late.

The joys of being in medicine.

I heard that other senior residents let their juniors leave for a short time so they could exercise their patriotic duty. Not mine, of course. Because that would mean he’d actually have to do some work and we couldn’t possibly have that.

Painting my house has turned into a bigger chore than I had initially anticipated. Natch.

Remember that I stated that I was painting my house because the walls in the office bedroom was peeling? Yeah, well, I’ve peeled away the big areas, sanded down the entire thing, washed the walls, started to tape it … and realized that more areas were peeling. Yep. The entire paint job has to go.

So I go and buy paint solvent (after spending numerous hours slowly scrapping away the paint) and spray it on. The reason the paint is peeling? Because there are at least five layers, five layers of paint underneath. The bottom layer, as far as I can tell is a salmon color. But it’s going to require lots and lots of paint solvent and very slow dissolving of all of the layers. Not to mention that it’s most likely lead based paint at the bottom, so I’m probably going to have all kinds of neurological deficits.

The good news is that I have painted my kitchen. And it’s pretty. Pictures will be forth coming when I get everything put back together again. And I think I’ve made new friends with this project, so there is always a bright side.

I think it’s going to snow. It certainly is cold enough.

Of course, I could be wrong. I thought the same thing, looking out the window near the ICU, only, it was over a 100 degrees and August outside. The air conditioner, which works too well on some hallways, confused me. The people around me must have thought I was insane as I burst out laughing at my mistake.

Things are pretty good around here. I have to leave for a shift in the ER in a couple of hours, and I’m off to take a nap, but I thought I’d say hi, since you know it’s been a while.

I spent the day looking at paint swatches and I think I have finally, finally decided how I’m going to paint my house. I’ve hemmed and hawed about it, because the paint job from the last owners hasn’t been too awful… except that the paint is peeling off in my office (top coat is a creamy off white, underneath is “apple blossom green” and quite overwhelming) and staring at the patches has motivated me.

(For help in picturing what it all looks like, the pics to my house are still up at http://jcd1013.lotrinklings.net/house/house.html)

Details for those curious

Someone rang my doorbell and then walked into my house about a half hour ago. I’m still a little jumpy over it.

It’s okay, I’m okay, ’twas my neighbor’s friends who apparently got the houses confused… but I had been downstairs watching X-Files episodes, and it’s been long enough since I watched them that I was already on edge. And it was my own stupid fault… I had been out on my front porch sweeping it a bit (my place is looking a little worn down because I haven’t had time to mow or anything), and didn’t lock the door when I came back in. I think I’ve cured myself of that little slippage.

Anyway, I ran upstairs, yelling. I honestly don’t know what possessed me to do that, except the thought that if somebody was robbing me/waiting to rape me, I’d make enough of a ruckus to bring everybody in the neighborhood over. *shudders* They had left by the time I got up there, which is a good thing–I think I would have had a heart attack if I had actually seen somebody in my house.

I will not be telling this story to my parents. I can’t even imagine their freakoutage. But I am putting bats/heavy objects on the “to buy” list to keep by my doors.

I haven’t posted much this last month, have I?

It’s been a hard month in ways that have been difficult to put down on paper (er, virtual paper). Work has been overwhelming, in many ways. New hospital, new system, new attendings, new colleagues, and new service, as I’ve been working as a neurology resident this month, rather than medicine. Calls have been hard. Every fourth night, up all night, getting paged on three different pagers all at the same time over and over and over. Having an extremely busy service, which means less time to study and learn, so that I felt even more stupid than usual. Being 2 years since my last neurology rotation, so even though once upon a time, I actually knew this stuff inside and out, it’s gone now.

My first call night, I seriously reconsidered my decision to do neurology and internal medicine. Hated neuro, loathed the call, but I survived it.

I’ve had that thought a half dozen times now, and it hasn’t necessarily been a light hearted “I wonder if” kinda of thought. It’s been the “I wonder if I go and talk to the director, I can get out of this” kind of thought. It’s probably due to exhaustion. But I’m facing a 5 year stent of exhaustion and if I can’t handle the first months…

I’ve persevered and have decided that I definitely need more exposure (and rotations with a different resident, because I think my senior resident tainted my perspective) before really making the decision. But it’s never a good thing to find yourself in the middle of a life crisis–in the middle of responsibilities with no place to run.

And I don’t mean to suggest that all is bad. Far from it, I’ve had some excellent days. I have great patients right now and I’ve discovered that I still love wokring in the ICU and the ICU especially seems like the perfect place to combine neuro and medicine in the ways that I want… It’s more the thought of surviving the neuro residency which is much more overwhelming than I thought it was going to be. I was on call last night… we admitted 4 patients, had 3 consults (other services wanting our opinion on their patients), saw another patient and transferred them to another service, and admitted another to the NICU (neuro ICU). On top of this, I was taking calls from patients of the neuro attendings (who don’t have a freaking answering service, so it’s the extremely ignorant interns like myself who are fending calls on very complex patients), and managing the 30 or so patients on the floor and ICU. I’m getting more used to it, and I had an excellent resident to work with, who really made my workload easier. But I still filled up 2 of the 3 pagers, one of them I had to clean off twice.

Next month will be better. I’ll be solely in the NICU (part of the problem with this month is that the first part of the month I spent in the ICU and the second part I’ve been on the general neuro team. And they both require some adjustment!), and I won’t be taking call. AND, I have most weekends off. AND I have a week of vacation (9 days straight). Maybe that’s why I keep thinking it’s September, because, I really, really, really want it to be.

****
On a completely different subject…

I’m really in the mood for a layout change to my LJ. After seeing juno_magic‘s incredible lovely layout, mine has looked blah and uninteresting. But I don’t have time to (re)learn the CSS code and play with it, or design the background (still wanting Anne, just don’t know which one. Collage of Anne and Diana? Pretty PEI pictures? Mushy Anne/Gilbert? Autumn themed to get me in the mood?), which leaves me in this state of perpetual longing and frustration that I can’t figure it out. *sigh* Maybe that will be one of my vacation goals.

****
My raspberry bush is getting a second batch of fruit! Yay! I had fresh raspberries every day for the month of July, I hope that this batch last as long. Have I mentioned that it was the raspberry bush that convinced me that this place was supposed to be mine? It is such a delight to go out and pick the berries and plop them in my mouth–and then smile condescending to the poor saps in the grocery store who are paying $4 a carton for not as good berries (of course, when you think of it, I paid a LOT more for the privilege of mine, but I think there are other perks with my purchase. 🙂 ) Next year, I’ll be planting strawberries, I do hope they do as well.

****
Anybody out there who has a webcam? And uses a PC? I’m trying to see if iChat will allow me to webcam with someone who isn’t using iChat, but still is on AIM. If you do and would be willing to experiment, let me know. Chris is talking about getting one and I gotta make sure that if he did, I could actually talk with him.

****
I’m needing a new computer. My dear Flower Power iMAc has been a faithful companion for five years now, but I’ve filled up just about all of the memory and she is starting to creak–I can’t burn CDs any more, except at a snail’s pace, web browsing is slow, etc. It’s also becoming an issue of incompatibility–the Internal Medicine dept. gave me a Pocket PC that is virtually useless, because I can’t get it to synch with my computer and unfortunately, the hospital is all PC based, and so I haven’t been able to access some programs that I had hoped to. I’ve been strongly tempted to get a MacBookPro, which would solve all of those issues with the duel boot capabilities, but it’s so expensive and I’d be saving my pennies for a long time before I could afford it. A little iBook I could get now and would for the most part do just great. Decisions, decisions.

And I think that’s the end of the update with my boring little life. Hope all is going well with you. I’ve missed my interactions with you, the little chats and mingling of our lives. You are all in my thoughts.

*hugs*

(A wee bit sappy, but I had to share. And the sentiments apply to my RL friends, which I hope they know.)

Today is my day off. Which is nice. I survived the first two days of internship, as did my patients, which is always a good thing. It wasn’t too horrible, except there was so much that I forgot (didn’t do a physical exam on two of my patients. Not good. Didn’t tell the nurse that I was changing medications. Not good.) and I spent most of the time floundering in the decisions that I did make (giving that patient cough syrup, was that okay, or did I just make the other medical condition that we were treating him for worse? (you laugh, because it’s just cough syrup but when you think of all of the drug interaction….)).

So now, I get to enjoy the day being away from the hospital. Except I can’t figure out how to put a notification on my pager that I’m away, so I keep getting paged. I’ve just ignored them. That’s probably bad too.

And my next day off? Will be on July 22nd. That’s right. 19 days without a day off. I’m already getting crabby at the thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I am really enjoying this, I am between the freak out fits, and it was wonderful to be back in the hospital environment. I love talking to the patients and getting to know them. My patients have been wonderful and have very nicely been as well as they can be in a hospital, so I haven’t had to worry too much about them. But I get antsy when I have to be up every morning at 5 and don’t get a chance to just be lazy. *sigh*

I’ll be on call tomorrow, so I won’t be done until 9 pm, so I won’t be really celebrating the 4th, except by taking care of the veterans who sacrificed so much of themselves to protect our country, and when you look at it that way, it seems like the best use of a day.

Still without internet access. Getting beyond perturbed. It’s flipping a switch people, it shouldn’t take 10 days to do. I really, really, really need it working, so I can figure out how to get my new Pocket PC working and download some oh so valuable medical information so I’ll actually know how to manage my patients.

Still don’t have internet access at home, hence the long absence.

But I’m moved, my house is great (with a few annoying quirks that I’ll detail in the future), I finished my training yesterday. And today…

I became a Real Doctor. Actually I’m more like Pinoccio when he was still wooden, and not quite the Real Boy. I’m kinda missing the strings.

I will be busy for the next bit, trying to figure things out. Being an intern is very stressful. This morning, I felt like the biggest idiot (and probably was), and it’ll take some time to get over that.

*sigh* It gets downright depressing when I think how busy I’m going to be, compared to the relative ease that I’ve had the last several months. And the worst is there’s no end in site, just one day after another.

Sorry for not replying on the goings on in your life. It’s going to be some time before I can be as actively involved as I was before. *sigh again*

So, per my suggestion, Chris has been keeping a travel blog, which has been great fun reading and “seeing” what he’s experiencing (Google has never gotten such a workout before!). Mind you, on his last trips, I was lucky to get an email a week–and most of those were 3 lines long, so this has been a nice change.

I emailed Chris early early Tuesday morning, he responded later that morning (there’s a 14 hour time difference), I wrote back and then have commented on virtual every one of his posts. Today I got this whiny email (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) about how everybody’s reading his blog and nobody’s writing him now. ROFL! I’ve turned my friend into a comment fiend!! He will never be able to escape the siren lure of the blogging world now!

****
On a side related note… he knows I keep a blog, and now that he has one, I know that I’m going to start getting some questions about it (or he’ll start searching for it, which is not hard to find if you know me well). Which is making me nervous. It was hard enough opening up my LJ to the Plethora, but that has actually been really nice–I love knowing that Michelle and AJ and sometimes Liz and whoever else that reads and hasn’t told me are keeping up to date with my life (although I still need to do better about writing emails to the Pleth–I’m horribly, unforgivably lazy about that). But opening it up to the person who’s been involved in half of the stories and who features prominently in the telling of those stories? Beyond scary. I have no idea how he would react–I don’t know how I’m going to react!

For now, I’ve decided that he’s too busy traveling and cavorting to locate my journal, so I can relax for a while… but I’ll have to make the decision before I move of whether I’m just going to give him the location…or go through and make everything friends only again (old stuff, new posts would still be mostly public).

****
Both Sam and Susan are in town, which had me giddy with anticipation all last week and I’ve barely seen either of them. Sus and I were to spend all day Friday and most of Thursday together, but something happened in Chicago and they cancelled all the flights on Thursday, so she didn’t come in until later on Friday. We hung out and went to a barbeque, but we didn’t really get a chance to do a good heart-to-heart chat that I’ve been longing for.

Sam, on the other hand, is in the area helping move her mom and as always, with every visit of hers, there’s been unexpected drama, this time involving her sister, which meant she left for Idaho much earlier than anticipated, and so I might be lucky to see her tomorrow afternoon as they pull the Uhaul out of town. *mourns*

Dear LJ

I am really, really getting tired of losing my pretty layout and settings. Sure it comes back eventually, but there’s a reason that I pay to have my pretty Anne picture as a header and the soft blues and greens that go so well together, because I like them better.

Fix it. I don’t care how. Or I will be making demands for repayment.

No love,
Julia

~*~

Dear CW network

You are morons. I hope you go bankrupted in two months. I will not be watching.

No love,
Julia

~*~

Dear Everwood

Can it be? You and I only have two more weeks together? *mourns* I shall miss you with your warm humor and delightful characters. However, may I offer one bit of advice? Perhaps if you didn’t have a cancer scare, a subdural hematoma that required surgical intervention (although injured!Bright was adorable), and a heart attack in one episode, we might be having a longer relationship together? Much as I love you, that was a little over the top. And I DON’T want to be crying at the finale, so everybody had better be alive and off to happy-ever-after-land, you got it?

Much love,
Julia

*****
From juno_magic:

Name ten of life’s simple pleasures that you like most (actually these will just be the 10 pleasures that strike me right now).

(I decided to forego the 6 facts about me, because I’ve been plugging away on the “100 random facts about me” meme that went around months ago and I don’t think I could come up with 106 different things about me!)

The simple pleasures (in good ol’ Late Show countdown fashion)

Oh, the Comfort
The Inexpressible comfort of feeling
Safe with a person
Having neither to Weight Thoughts not Measure Words
But pouring them all right out
Just as they are
Certain that a faithful hand will take and
Sift them
And with a Breath of Kindness
Blow the rest Away

~Dinah M. Craik~

To get ready for the family invasion that will happen tomorrow, I’ve been trying to clean my apartment, which as always has turned into a massive project, since I’m trying to make it a “packing adventure” as well. It’s ugly and painful and I don’t know when I’m going to get it all done.

I’ve been going through all of my papers, which since I’m a pack rat is basically everything except for school notes since college–bills, bills, random reminders, med school orientation stuff. Most of it is junk (I’ve already filled three garbage bags of just paper), but there have been some forgotten gems that I’ve lingered over.

The best part is that I’ve discovered all of the letters and cards and wedding announcements sent to me over the years. Mission letters from AnnaJune, Michelle and Liz. Random letters that Sam would write when she was bored in her law school classes, decorated with whatever doodles came to her mind. The exchanges back and forth by Susan and I during church, written on whatever scraps of paper we could locate (we were so bad!). The emails between Chris and I on our different trips–he in Ghana, me in Guatemala, me in Africa. Cards and postcards for every occasion from Donna. The epistles (in every sense of the word) from Brooke, detailing in old-fashioned prose the adventures of her life.

When my best friend Susan got married four and a half years ago, I went through a similar period as what I’m feeling now. We had been best friends since starting college, and had been roommates for just a few months–the same time frame that she had been dating her future husband. That summer, our friendship suffered. I’ve never spent so much time in tears. Every evening, after everyone had gone to bed, I would sit on my porch and cry for my loss. I was feeling neglected and lonely and completely at loss as to how our friendship would survive. One day, about six weeks prior to the wedding, I came home discouraged, opened up the door to my room and found myself in a white cloud. Susan had taken all of her left over wedding invitations and had hung them up all over our room, so that they brushed my cheek and hair as I walked in. It was a cheesy gesture (I’m sure you’re all groaning), but it meant the world to me, to know that she truly loved me. Today, I found all of the invitations and the string that I had saved from that day, with scraps from her wedding dress, and those memories came flooding back.

It put last night into perspective. Because while I fret and worry and dread the upcoming changes, I am surrounded by people who love me, who have been my faithful friends for many a year, whose love and affection will be with me always. There will be people that tomorrow will be the last that I ever see them and that will be okay, but there will be many more who somehow will remain an indelible part of my life and whose warmth and love I will never forget.

When I get into the pits of despair again, as I am sure that although I am resolved now to remember and focus on the happiness in my life, I will likely sink into the “woe is me” attitude again, perhaps this will be reminder of how blessed I truly am.

The problem with taking some time away from your blog (without actually saying that you are taking some time away) is that you can’t just jump in and fill in with the conclusions of what’s been going on. For example, I had been going to start this entry saying that “I’m doing better now” and realized that since I’ve only had one vagueish entry in the last two weeks, you have no idea that I was doing “poorly.”

I hadn’t meant to take this break. I went through a little bit of a writer’s block and then when I wanted to write, I was way too emotional to write anything halfway resembling coherency.

It’s been a hard week. I’ve been figuring out all of these financial things (and I HATE dealing with money. Honestly, I wish we all would just convert to a system where we bartered with crayons), such as reconsolidating my loans (again), finding out my credit report, finding out how much of a house I could afford. I had a presentation on Wednesday that of course took much more time than I thought it would (but it went well, so yay!) and had all of the responsibilities of the end-of-the-rotation stuff to complete. I had to sign my initial contract for MCW, and I’m also supposed to send them my schedule by the beginning of next week. 8 months of hospitals wards. Three weeks of vacation and only two can be taken together. Do I need to take off an entire week for Sam’s wedding or can I arrange the few days off? Do I want to spread them equally over the year, so that every three months or so, I’ll have a week to look forward too–or have two weeks together where I could actually do something? Et cetera. Et cetera. And so forth.

And then Chris and I started arguing. No, argue is too strong of a word–I can’t come up with any kind of definition for what it was. He said some things, a little more biting and sarcastic and mean, which I didn’t pick up on at first, because they were more mild than some of what he’s said in the past few times I’ve been with him. And he called and apologized after I left. Which should have made things better, but they didn’t, because it just made me realize everything that was wrong with us. I mean, I forgave him completely, but before all of this, he never said anything mean to me. If he teased me, it was good natured and I knew it–there was never that ribbon of malice that seems to tinge the conversations now. Not to mention this whole not speaking about Melissa thing–I thought I was being the good friend by giving him space to talk to me about it when he was ready. Turns out, he is talking to another one of our friends–and hanging out with her when he’s telling me that he has no time to do anything. Me–very jealous. Very hurt.

So, that’s what sent me into my week long depression. But I’m better now. I finished most everything on my “MUST. DO. NOW.” list, which relieved the stress, managed not to think about things that I could fix, and got some sleep. And Chris and I worked out this afternoon (20 pound stationary front rows, baby! I’m improving!) and while we didn’t talk about that fight–things were better between us, back to normal. He actually talked about Melissa and his feelings about what’s going on. I was so relieved that when he hugged me goodbye, I almost started crying. Yep, I’m an emotional wuss. I think that has been thoroughly established here by now.

The jealousy thing is getting a little better too. I’m still hurt that while I thought she was a friend of both of us, I’m getting left out of things, but I’m not having the stabbing thoughts that I’m getting replaced and will be Last Year’s Model long before the move to Wisconsin happens. And that’s a much better feeling.

So anway, I’m winding down on medical school. I have six weeks left–2 weeks of research/paper writing, two weeks of class (I’ll be also taking a Wilderness Medicine class then and will be able to tell you how to treat that snake bite!), and then 2 more weeks of the research/paper. That’s it. The research thing is kinda worrying me — I’ve known about it for months and have been trying to brainstorm what I could do without much luck, and I want to get everything done in two weeks, so that I can have surgery during the last two. That would be the perfect timing, so I could be fully recovered by the time residency starts. I see my doc on the 10th of April–I should know better then how I can fit everything together.

I’m taking a “Basic Life Support” class tomorrow (I need “Advanced Life” for residency and you have to have the basic first). It’s rather amusing that I’ve gone through all of medical school and never been formally trained on CPR or anything–I mean, I know it, but I’ve never had to pass it off and become certified, until now. Melissa’s taking the class as well–it’s the first time that I will have seen her since the New Year’s. I have no idea what to say to her. Not a one.

The late night gab-fest had turned from silly to serious as we fought sleep. Perhaps it was I who began fretting about the inevitable change as we curled up on the couch. She, one of my dearest friends, was leaving very soon and I wouldn’t see her for more than a year and a half. Time had crept in and our idyllic college days, where we had all romped and discovered a second childhood, were coming to an end.

“I hate growing up and becoming an adult.”

“We may be older, but we are not grown-ups yet. That requires bigger steps.”

“Such as?”

“Marriage.”

“Laura and James are married and they’re not adults yet–they’re just more like permanent roommates.”

“Okay. Maybe not marriage. But kids do.”

“Oh, yeah. Kids make you an adult.”

Together, we made our list. Kids, definitely. Buying a house. Buying a car that cost more than $500. Have a career. And, as we stared down at the sofa that we had “rescued” from the side of the road, we added one last thing to the list: purchasing a new, real couch. That would be the things that changed us from irrepressible youth to Responsible Adults.

The years have slipped by from that conversation, seven years by my calculation. Liz went away, came back, and lived with me for another two years. My friends all married, had kids, purchased houses, cars, and yes, new sofas, and I was left behind, still lurking on that cusp of being a grown-up. I remained single, in a small apartment with roommates, and my couch, with its hard wooden sides, was replaced with one with softer, smaller arms but a torn seat that had to be supported with books. As that one gave way, it too was replaced with a worn, but matching sofa and love seat (an improvement!), graciously donated by Chris. Still not quite classified as the real grownup purchase.

That is all about to change. I contacted a realtor today to discuss purchasing a house in Milwaukee. In a few weeks, if all goes well, I’ll be a home owner. A few weeks after that, I’ll have a degree and a new title. I’ll have a real job, a career where I’ll be responsible for the welfare of all the patients under my charge.

It’s official. I am now an Adult. A Grown-up. At 27 years, it’s probably about time.

But I don’t think I’m getting rid of my secondhand sofas yet. I’m not ready to be that old.

I went out to dinner tonight with Chris. At a fancy restaurant. {everybody oohs}. In fact, it was so fancy that I:

A. Did my hair in curls. It looked slightly freakish, but with mousse and holding gel, I got it tamed to something resembling waves.

B. Put on makeup. An accomplishment.

C. Wore contacts. The late night stayups watching M*A*S*H and X-Files have not been nice to my eyes.

D. Pressed my dress pants. Okay, they were extremely wrinkly and I would have been mortified to step out of the house in them, but wow!

All in all, a rather amazing and different experience for me. It was fun, getting the opportunity to dress up. {everyone ahhhs at Pretty!Julia} Chris, gentleman that he was, helped me into my coat and held the door for me. He was not so gentlemanly that he offered to pay the whole bill, however. 😛

We had a great time, talking again about traveling and international experience and long term career goals and dating. I mentioned my current love interest, where he raised the valid point of “are you sure it’s dating that he’s not interested in, or not dating you?” which made me frown a bit and took me back. He didn’t mean it as a insult, I think, but I’m not sure that I really want to think about that.

I think he’s backing out on our Mexico trip. Well, not so much the trip as he would still be doing it, but me doing it with him. “I think it might become a family trip” was the proffered excuse. I’m hurt about it, I really am. I mean, geez, I knew it wasn’t going to be just me and him – we’d kill each other in two days and hello, do you think I want to have the fulltime job of distracting him from remembering that if things hadn’t gone badly, he would be getting MARRIED at that spot, on that day? I knew that it was his parents and brother and SIL going down and that it would be me hanging out with them and that was going to be cool–I like all of them from the few times that I’ve met them. It was going to be our last trip, our last hoorah. He leaves for Asia the day after my graduation, and I’ll be gone before he gets back. We’ve never travelled together, ever and I saw it as one of those “never again” opportunities that he’s always telling me to seize.

I just… I’ve been struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues recently, exacerbated by the fact that I’m bored and actually have time to think about these things, but I’m really not liking myself very much right now. And this just feels like another slap of rejection, a poorly veiled excuse where he really means “yeah, Julia, I just don’t want you there”. I’m feeling very vulnerable and knowing that I’m leaving–I get panicky that this is a great excuse for him to just slip out of my life. I was really looking forward to this trip. I thought he was too.

You would think that after all of this time, I would be getting used to rejection. I just hadn’t expected it from him.

My laptop died tonight. All of a sudden, it turned a whitish gray with blue vertical lines running all the way across. I restarted it, the screen came back okay, but the instant I touched it the screen died again. And then I couldn’t restart it. I’ve played with it all night, I think there’s something wrong with either the motherboard or some other connections from the case to the computer, because it seems that it’s the movement that causing the screen and then the computer to go wonky. It was pretty windy last night, and I did have it plugged it to charge and I’m afraid that it got hit by a power surge. Tay (fileg), have you or Jim experienced anything like this with your laptops? Advice on where I might first try to tackle the problem. I tried resetting the parameter RAM, and I was able to start the computer after that, but it didn’t last long.

I hope I can get it figured out soon. I was really hoping to take it with me to Kenya, so I could keep in touch, and if it’s having problems…. Well, I leave in 10 days. (pauses a moment to freak out that it’s only ten days) I don’t know what I’m going to be able to get done.

The other favor. In addition to trip planning, match list planning, and teaching, I’ve been informed that the yearbook committee needs our pictures and layouts by the 10th of this month. I’m having a hard time coming up with pictures (it’d probably be too weird to put the one of me in the wedding dress, right? *sigh* but I looked so pretty…), but I’ve got a few ideas. I’m getting new pictures of Chris and me to go into it (yay, for having a digital camera!), and I’ll put one of me in Guatemala and probably one of the black and white ones I showed you all earlier, my family, etc. It should be okay. Although I think the last picture of my family was taken during my college graduation…

Anyway, my problem is actually the text portion. It’s a rather large area, and I have no idea how to fill it. That’s where you come in. I need quotes–funny, inspiration, friendly, witty, something, and ideas of what I could write without sounding too cheesy. Something that in years to come, people will look at the yearbook and think fondly of me. Any ideas? Bueller?