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4th May 2004

Life stories

posted in Uncategorized |

Catch up with me:

Getting to the end of school. One more month to go, and I’m starting to feel the pressure. I have year-long cumulative finals in three weeks. I haven’t even started studying. I have no idea how to review a year’s worth of material… not to mention two complete years worth for the boards. June 25th. Day of Reckoning.

I’m feeling better about some things though. The past two weeks, I learned (again) how to do a complete physical exam and interview patients, etc. We visited patients in the hospital and talked to them, and learned how to present to the residents and attendings… And for the first time, third year doesn’t seem quite so daunting. I just might be about to do it.

My roommate of five years told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to move out. She came home yesterday with ad postings. I almost started crying. Our schedules are going to be night/day opposites and we share a room, so things will probably get difficult sleep-wise. I understand, and yet, I feel like I haven’t been able to breath deeply since I found out. She’s been one of my best friends for 7 years, and I can’t imagine not coming home and sitting on the couch and telling her about my day… We’ve been drifting apart recently, and I’m not sure how to fix it. Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in January and she only told me a few weeks ago…when we used to stay up until 3 in the morning telling each other everything. Now she sits on the couch playing computer games, and I come home late and write on my computer in our room…

It’s cause a great deal of reflection. Remembering our crazy dorm years. Half of the stories I can’t even relate, because they are so weird that nobody would understand why I laugh hysterically. We’ve grown up since then. All of my dorm friends (we call ourselves the Plethora), besides my roommate Liz, are married. Half have kids. We try to pretend that adulthood hasn’t crept up on us, but we didn’t used to stop the parties at 9 because the kids have to sleep.

I was reading over my journals and realized that it was a year ago, when I was writing about finally making friends in medical school, beyond just the superficial. It was a year ago that I formed a study group with Chris and Candice, then Steve joined us a few weeks later… For one summer, they were all my friends. Candice and Steve read Harry Potter aloud to me while I recovered from surgery. Chris emailed me from Europe, cheering me up when everything got me down. A beautiful summer… and then fall came. I was trying to be the support between everyone, and all I could do was watch everything crumble around me. And now, all who remains is Chris. Granted, I’ve gotten one of the best friends that I could ask for out of him, but I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I’m not worth it.

Sheesh, all I ever do is post the depressing messages here. I’m honestly not a depressed person… I’m happy with my life, I really am…. I just need use this to vent, I guess.

On a much happier note: Like Never Before, chapter 8. Finishing off those last few sentences was the best feeling in the world. Not sure if I’m entirely satisfied, and as always, I appreciate the input.

I know I’m horribly behind on commenting to people (mrschimpf, I think I left our conversation hanging in the air!) and worse, I owe about four billion reviews to bjorks_defender, _starsinhereyes and _flutter for their incredible GG stories that have taken my breath away. And shirerain I know I owe you a review, but I need time to reread over your last chapter, I was in such a hurry the first time that I didn’t get a proper chance to muse over it. But I will get to it all!

And the best news of all: Jess is back. Enough said. 🙂

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 4th, 2004 at 1:16 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

12 Comments

  • {{{{HUGS}}}}

    I wish that we didn’t have a whole ocean between us! It would have been so good to be closer together, so that we could meet up for coffee and just talk (and laugh and squee and cry if we need to).

    But I am here for you if you need an ear or a shoulder. I’m also good with providing distractions. 🙂

    {{{{HUGS AGAIN}}}}

    Ellie

    • admin says:

      Thanks so much, Ellie. I really needed those hugs. It’s just hit me hard recently, how much I feel like I’m losing again. And then I get depressed and then I add on more stress which makes me tired which makes me even more depressed… It’s one of the reasons that I was relating so well to your troubles. I want her to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted, but her choosing to leave just breaks me.

      It’s probably a good thing I’ve never had a boyfriend…I’m not sure I could handle the emotional tangle of a breakup!

      One of these days, we’re going to have to meet in a virtual coffee shop and I’ll be here with my hot chocolate and you’ll be there with your favorite brand of coffee made just the way you like it and we’ll have a soul conversation.

      And I do really like your distractions. 🙂 🙂 😛

  • Julia, you’re far from depressing…lol. I like reading your journal and my impression of you is that you’re just a girl trying to keep herself from going down the hill on a bicycle, but pretty soon you’ll have to take the fall. At least you’re slowly making progress about the medical school stuff.

    Sorry about things not working out between you and your roommate. Maybe you just need a little time away from each other to recharge the friendship, after a year you might be back to the long conversations till 3am thing, and hopefully her grandmother goes into remission while all those things happen.

    All that said…I got up early this morning and was excited to see a LNB update. Just read through it, and I’ll have a more comprehensive review later. But I can tell you; Paris and Brad romance is so lovely, and the MST3K references had me laughing (Space Mutiny is my favorite!). And I loved the phone conversation between her and Jess, and your Paris’ rationale for not taking a chance on him, you stated her reasons clearly and believably, this whole chapter is leaving me with warm fuzzies all over the place for all the CuteParis you put in (sighs).

    I have to post in my LJ, there’s something I really need to get off my chest.

    • admin says:

      Thanks for the support. I’m really hoping that it will work that way, and not the way that I’m fearing… that our busy non-meshing schedules wil eventually lead to me seeing her once every other month, so that we become the “so what’s happening in your life” type of friends. That always scares me.

      You’ve got a pretty accurate impression of me. Except I’m not that fond of bicycles. 🙂 I try to be completely honest when I post here, mostly because I know that’s how my impressions of all of you are influenced also.

      Thanks for your review. As always, hearing that you thought my Paris was believeable always means a lot to me. I tend to write Paris like a more neurotic version of me–I’m not nearly as in-your-face, I’ve just perfected the socially awkward part–and sometimes I wonder if there’s too much of me that’s showing through! Brad’s a mosaic of my college friends, he’s got bits and pieces of every one.

      But seeing the softer side of Paris tonight with Asher, well, it made me believe in my Paris. I’m glad I made you laugh… I have such a hard time writing the funny scenes. My timing is always off.

      The phone convo with Jess was purely for you. I wasn’t even considering it until you suggested bringing Shane into the story and then the wheels started turning. And since I knew you were such a Dipper and since I am completely in love with Jess and can’t understand why any breathing female would feel differently, it wasn’t hard to put that in!

      I haven’t seen Space Mutiny! Must rectify immediately!

      Thanks again!

  • Aww, thanks Julia! I’m a dork to ask this … but just curious, which of the two new stories of mine did you read? LOL.

  • It’s so good to have you back and I missed both you and LNB (I’ll be sure to review later, by the way).

    Granted, I’ve gotten one of the best friends that I could ask for out of him, but I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I’m not worth it.

    This saddened me, Julia, because I’m afraid the guy you commented about on my LJ has hurt you more than you deserve. He not only hurt you that one time, but he shook your confidence, and although I do not know you personally, you sound like a very intelligent, very kind person and I’d think anyone would be lucky to be friends with you. Changing environments can always be hard and it takes a lot of adjusting. It’s a complete shame that jerk made you think less of yourself when clearly it was so about him and had nothing to do with you.

    • admin says:

      Oliver was probably not the cause of my lack of self-esteem, I had several years of junior and high school to drum the “you don’t deserve friends” mentality into my head. Small towns can be very harsh to those they see as not belonging, and extremely small and isolated ones can be even worse. That’s been several years ago now, and it’s mostly just a past life. I’ve matured and grown (you should have seen me as a freshman!) and have developed close friendships that have lasted for seven years now. But Oliver was a first… my darling high school classmates never bothered to get to know me–he was the first to become my friend and then dump me by the side.

      I’ve been especially sensitive to Chris mostly because I did lose a “friend” over him, earlier this year. Long story with lots of drama, but when it came down to it, she couldn’t overlook the fact that I was his friend and when she decided that she didn’t want him in her life, I got shoved out too. We’ve barely talked since then. My other friend Steve faded away shortly after that because he didn’t want to deal with the drama… And I’m just expecting that one day the same thing will happen with Chris… that he’ll look around and decide that he can find better study partners, that we’re complete opposites (which we are) and that I’m just annoying. I’d probably just get a big lecture from him about needing to learn to love myself if I told him this. 🙂 I know he loves me, but there’s still that niggle of doubt.

      Thanks for listening while I got some of this off my chest. It was therapeutic, I feel a little less lost.

  • Juuuulia! *pounces* So nice to see you back!

    My sister took her boards earlier this year. Eek. I shower you with good thoughts and tons of luck. Try not to let the pressure overwhelm you. 🙂

    • admin says:

      Elise!! It’s so good to be back to my real life… not that school and work and responsibility thing that they keep telling me is real. Pffft.

      I didn’t know you had an older sister… I had just heard you talk about your younger one. What is she going into? Sorry, it’s one of those knee jerk reactions… everybody asks me what kind of doctor and I can’t help asking others. 🙂

      Boards are scary. I took a practice test last week. It was laughable. I’ll be lucky if I got 20% on it. And the questions…there were quite a few things that I would have never even thought of studying. I haven’t really started studying, which was probably bad of me, because now, I’m starting to fear that I’m never going to get to things.

      Anyway, have you got any more one-partners for me to look forward to???? 😉

      • Oh yeah, I have two older sisters… two older brothers… but they’re all much older than me. My sister is a physician’s assistant.

        Originally, she wanted to be a doctor, and she went to medical school on one of those islands (St. Maarten? or something), but she ended up coming home because she met her fiancee (here, in the states).

        Aww. I know it’s got to be stressful thinking about the boards looming ahead, but this is something you’re passionate about, and as long as you take the studying in small doses, I know you can do this. You’ll kick those boards ass! Hee.

        One-parters, eh? I think there’s one of the horizon. 😉

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