Dear Program Director:

Please accept my apologies. Had not realized that page was sent to all of us loser residents and was not meant to be a chastisement, rather a reminder that 6 months to complete a note might be a little lengthy. I concur and will do better. Feel properly remorsed for little tantrum yesterday. No hard feelings.

XOXO,
Your Resident

On call today and for the first time in the entire month, the service is quiet. The NICU patients are stable (sick but stable, that’s a first), I’ve discharged all but one of my patients, I am only a few dictations behind, I managed to see almost all of my clinic patients (and if I had had someone to staff with on time, I could have seen them all) and I haven’t had an acute stroke (yet). Rather amazing that. It’s incredible what a better day today is compared to yesterda,y just because I could finally get some of my work done. And because work has now blocked Gmail, Yahoo Mail, and Facebook, I’m almost bored. But LJ still works (ha!) so that’s something. So I’m perusing my friendslist and looking at the newish Doctor Who promos, and I’ve forgotten how much I love wasting time.

Tonight looks like a night where I might be able to get a few hour of sleep. I love those call nights and I think, after the last few calls I’ve had, I deserve it.

Welcome to the world, little Girl Leavitt-Garcia! Hope your entrance wasn’t too traumatic for your poor mama. Now you just have to promise to stay wee and floppy until your Aunt Julia gets a chance to say hi in person.

*hugs my Lizzie*

The year of 2006 is now dead, settled into his grave, as the New Year now takes over reign. But, as is my nature, I could hardly let him go without a eulogy.

Highlights, month by month (with pictures! Lots and lots and lots of pictures)

I forgot…

Packing up my computer means that it is impossible to write a “final post” (my favorite!).

So this is a day late.

But I am moved. My apartment was packed and sorted and stuffed into a Uhaul trailer, a Jeep and the back of my little car. Surprisingly, there’s still room if we wanted to fit more. I did have to leave behind all five boxes of my books…my parents have promised faithfully that they will mail them soon. They’d better!

Right now, we’re crossing the great and spacious state of Wyoming. We had left last night and went to my hometown for a regrouping and final goodbye before heading out today…Got an hour down the road and realized that we (I) had left the insurance information for the trailer on the table. So we turned around. I have a strange feeling of deja ve… I wondder why. But we finally got everything and are stopped for the night a hundred miles from Nebraska. Here’s hoping we make it on time for my closing on Friday.

I’m tired, so that’s it. I’ll be without internet for some time as I set up house, so don’t let anything important happen!

Is anybody else having problems with their journal layout? I’ve lost all of my customizations and styles, and have for some reason reverted back to the plain blue generator style. If I have to go back and figure all of that junk out again, I will not be happy.

Bah, it looks so blah.

I really need to get to bed. My paper? Did not get done. Between the extra long therapy session, waiting 45 minutes to get photocopies of pictures for my graduation announcements, waiting another 45 minutes at the doctor’s office to get my PPD read (which of course, I could tell it was negative, but until I get those little initials behind my name in one week, I can’t actually CERTIFY that it was negative–which also means, btw, that I did NOT catch TB in Africa so yay for me!), and the last med school party ever, well… it didn’t get done. *sigh* Which means, I’m going to have an extremely busy day tomorrow.

The party was a good time. Every year, we do a spring BBQ (the meat is well done, so I don’t think it qualifies as a brai) in the park. Every year, there are more and more children running around, being passed around. Our class has been very prolific. It was smaller in attendance this year though, which saddened me a little. I did get a chance to look at the $100 yearbook, which looked very nice with its fuzzy red cover. My parents bought a little ad for me, saying how proud they were of me, which I had not expected. I was a cute kid. 🙂 There weren’t any group pictures of me. At all. I hadn’t realized that I was so asocial during med school. Or so left out.

We’re stopping with that line of thought. It’s just depressing me.

One nice story… one of my classmates was asking about my surgery and mentioned that she almost came in on the case… and then continued to say that she had worked with my surgeon on some orthopedic cases and he had talked about me and “thought the world of [me]”. As I think the same of him, and have strived very hard to impress him and as he was half of the motivation of why I decided to become a physician, it was definitely one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. *hugs my doc*

And I’m out.

Bride for Sale! Ooo! Pretty Julia!

Thanks to all of my wonderful flist for your support and caring. I love you guys. Really, truly.

I’m better. Sleep is a wonderful thing, as is resignation and realization. I studied harder for that test than I have all year long. I read up on every single one of my patients, on their diseases and how to treat them. I even relearned for the fifth time how to read EKGs and blood gases. I knew it–the basics, even crazy diseases. So I don’t know how 66% of everybody who took it did better than me, but it wasn’t for anything that I did.

And it’s just a grade right? *sigh*

I have to start applying for residencies this weekend–get my CV (curriculum vitae for those who don’t know–I didn’t until a few months ago) turned into the central processing place (oh joy), prepare my personal statement and get a list of three things that are “fantastic” about me to give to the Dean of the school, so that when she can write all kinds of wonderful things about me to send to the schools. Plus, I still have that research paper to work on, and I’m dog tending. So much for my holiday. Grr.

Went and saw War of the Worlds today. Hate contributing to opening weekend sales, especially after all of the Tommy fiascoes, but it was the one movie that Chris hadn’t seen and he owed me — that dog I’m housesitting? Yeah, he was supposed to take care of it, but he forgot and made plans to go to Jackson Hole. And did I mention that I’m not so fond of dogs?! The movie wasn’t so bad–properly intense in places and I was sitting on the head of my seat through a good portion of it. Melissa told me that sitting next to me with all of my gasps and freakouts made her more nervous than the movie did. The little kid’s screaming got very annoying very early on, and the ending felt rather abrupt and lackluster (although the explanation was cool). And Tom was rather flat… Sometime good, but eh.

Surgery rotation starts in four days. There are not words to describe how much I’m dreading this. I just about killed myself with two weeks! *pouts* So, I’ll definitely have to make some time for chatting on Sunday, because it’s going to be a long time before I get to do that.

I think I’ve lost the ability to breath.

Erik’s engaged.

Even writing the words hurts more than it should, and I can’t look at them again. I’m just sitting here, blinded by my eternal patheticness.

I don’t know even how to explain how I feel. I shouldn’t feel so strongly. I haven’t seen him for two years and I haven’t been in love with him for a while now. I finally grew past that. I’m not good at letting go, but Erik I’ve never wanted to let go, not completely.

He was my first crush, my first love. I fell for him in the eighth grade because he went to Norway and came back and had all of these exciting stories. He was cute, he was funny, he was super nice to me, treated me as a friend, and I adored him. I knew his strengths, his weaknesses and I loved everything about him. I truly did. Everyone I’ve ever met has been compared to him and has fallen short. I’ve nursed so many fantasies that I knew were pathetic but I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t know him anymore, it’s true… Our lives have diverged and I don’t know if he laughs the same way anymore. But the thing was, he doesn’t know me either, and I’m so different from how I was in high school. I guess a part of me has just always hoped that one day, one day, things would finally align and he would finally see me. That although we had diverged and changed since high school, it would really be what brought us together. I’ve always felt, deep inside and I’ve never been able to get rid of it, that he was “the one.” And when he didn’t get married, when he didn’t date anyone, I saw that as confirmation.

And now he’ll be married in a month.

Part of me is angry too, that once again, love has passed me by, and I am still alone. He’s getting married and he still lives in my home town where there is nobody and yet, he’s managed to find someone. And I can’t even get a casual date.

It’s just adding to this feeling that I’ve been drowning in recently. I haven’t talked for three months to the woman I’ve considered my best friend of seven years. She and her husband came to visit family over the Fourth of July and she didn’t even called me. I’ve called her several times and she’s never returned my phone calls. How do I not take that personally? My friendship with Liz has turned so superficial since she moved out. And Chris… we’re going to be on completely different rotations starting tomorrow for the entire year. How long is it going to take before he’s a mere shadow in my life? I’m scared that I’m losing everybody, that everything that I’ve loved is just delusion. That everything that I’ve felt has just been me, and that people were just putting up with me until they could find an excuse to leave.

I hate feeling pathetic.

*hugs f-list tightly* Have I told you all recently how wonderful you are? You Are Amazing.

Things are going a tiny bit better. Liz got an apartment last night, she’ll be moving out before the end of the month. Knowing that’s it’s inevitable has kinda made it a little easier. And I did tell her that I was sad about it. Hopefully, things will shift to normal again. And I need to get over feeling sorry for myself.

And I’m caught up on my reading! Of course, I understand nothing, but there’s a chance that I won’t fail the test on Friday. Next week’s tests are still debatable. 😛 Still sick of school. Most recent fantasies have involved becoming a hermit in the hills. I can eat lots of Dinty Moore stew and wash in streams. Hey, since I haven’t had water in my apartment for the past two days, I’m almost used to that dirty feeling. 🙂 No, just kidding. Ransacked my friends’ apartment to shower… I love showers. I love water.

And, yes, I did end up watching GG. Still blah. I honestly can’t believe that they pulled such a rating stunt. LL were cute, I’ll grant you that. And I love the townspeople. I’m hoping that Rory gets completely shunned by them forever.

Everybody’s already said everything… I think we’re all disgusted.

A few years ago, Liz and I were overcome with the urge to inflict all of the cast of Dawson’s Creek with a nice STD. One that would cause a great deal of pain and more importantly, make them all infertile… Yep, I’m thinking a nice STD would be just about right…

Well, it’s the end for me. I had agonized how I was going to manage to tape and watch it in my few brief moments of spare time next year, but I’m glad that’s one less thing for me to worry about. 🙂

And to the three people who may have been interested (I already told Marissa), I think it very unlikely that I’ll be finishing Like Never Before. I have no desire to write Rory. None. I know that my Rory is completely different, she’s actually shows some maturity and self-awareness, but it would still require getting into her head and I don’t want to. On top of that, I’m completely stressed out (hmm, didn’t you guys know?) and don’t have the time to devote to it. I feel bad, because I did pretty much have it completely plotted out, but… So for now, it’s shelved. Maybe in a year, I’ll return to it.

I did write out the scene where Rory told Jess that she loved him–I wrote that months ago. It’s still a little fragmented, but if anybody would like to read it and get some kind of (good kind, I promise!) closure, just email me, and I’ll pass it on.

I don’t think I’m entirely done writing for GG. As upset as I’ve been, I do still love the *classic* show. I’ve got some ideas… a story that’s just phone conversations between Luke and Jess… showing Jess moving on and being happy…. how everybody came to Stars Hollow. Lots of Luke/Jess drabbles. Nothing for Rory, except maybe one where everybody spits on her.

I hate days like this.

The stress of the last week and the increasing burden caught up with me today… Almost started crying in church. Then, after going to study with Chris and him being an hour late, I did break down. Started crying in Starbucks. We went out on the grass and I just bawled. Poor guy. He really should consider psychiatry, he’s pretty good at it.

There’s just so much going on right now. I’m burned out on class and this last section–yeah, I don’t understand it at all. On top of it all, I have this massive paper I have to complete by Wednesday and these cumulative finals that I haven’t started studying for and what was that big test that my whole career depends on? The one that I should have started studying for in at least March? I have so much that I have to do, and no real end in site. Not for another year. Overheard third-years talking about how much they got screwed over in their rotations…Yeah, all those fears came flooding back. I’m going to suck during third year. I don’t do high stress situations. I’m not good at deciding what somebody else is thinking and wanting me to do. And I thought I spent an abnormal amount of time in tears this year.

This thing with Liz is absolutely killing me. I hate not talking to her. I hate that every time I do talk to her, it’s criticisms of what I could do better. The bathroom’s not cleaned, I don’t turn my alarm off early enough, I shouldn’t have bothered making those frames, even though she bothered me about them for months because she hated that the puzzles were just glued to cardboard (long boring story). Etc, etc. And to add to it, I’m constantly confronted by the fact that she is actively trying to move out. Flyers for apartments. Talking to other girls in our church. And the biting thing–she’s searching for a roommate. Any roommate that’s not me, I guess. I hate it. I hate feeling caught in the middle, like there’s nothing I can do. I’m torn between feeling like I almost hate her and then missing her so much already. Geez, I’m crying again. I so want to run away…

I think I need sleep more than anything. I always get emotional when I’m sleep deprived.

Weird… I just logged onto ff.net, and discovered that someone put me as their favorite author. Their pen name? Julia: It’s All a Dream. I wonder if it’s a sign.

Catch up with me:

Getting to the end of school. One more month to go, and I’m starting to feel the pressure. I have year-long cumulative finals in three weeks. I haven’t even started studying. I have no idea how to review a year’s worth of material… not to mention two complete years worth for the boards. June 25th. Day of Reckoning.

I’m feeling better about some things though. The past two weeks, I learned (again) how to do a complete physical exam and interview patients, etc. We visited patients in the hospital and talked to them, and learned how to present to the residents and attendings… And for the first time, third year doesn’t seem quite so daunting. I just might be about to do it.

My roommate of five years told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to move out. She came home yesterday with ad postings. I almost started crying. Our schedules are going to be night/day opposites and we share a room, so things will probably get difficult sleep-wise. I understand, and yet, I feel like I haven’t been able to breath deeply since I found out. She’s been one of my best friends for 7 years, and I can’t imagine not coming home and sitting on the couch and telling her about my day… We’ve been drifting apart recently, and I’m not sure how to fix it. Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in January and she only told me a few weeks ago…when we used to stay up until 3 in the morning telling each other everything. Now she sits on the couch playing computer games, and I come home late and write on my computer in our room…

It’s cause a great deal of reflection. Remembering our crazy dorm years. Half of the stories I can’t even relate, because they are so weird that nobody would understand why I laugh hysterically. We’ve grown up since then. All of my dorm friends (we call ourselves the Plethora), besides my roommate Liz, are married. Half have kids. We try to pretend that adulthood hasn’t crept up on us, but we didn’t used to stop the parties at 9 because the kids have to sleep.

I was reading over my journals and realized that it was a year ago, when I was writing about finally making friends in medical school, beyond just the superficial. It was a year ago that I formed a study group with Chris and Candice, then Steve joined us a few weeks later… For one summer, they were all my friends. Candice and Steve read Harry Potter aloud to me while I recovered from surgery. Chris emailed me from Europe, cheering me up when everything got me down. A beautiful summer… and then fall came. I was trying to be the support between everyone, and all I could do was watch everything crumble around me. And now, all who remains is Chris. Granted, I’ve gotten one of the best friends that I could ask for out of him, but I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I’m not worth it.

Sheesh, all I ever do is post the depressing messages here. I’m honestly not a depressed person… I’m happy with my life, I really am…. I just need use this to vent, I guess.

On a much happier note: Like Never Before, chapter 8. Finishing off those last few sentences was the best feeling in the world. Not sure if I’m entirely satisfied, and as always, I appreciate the input.

I know I’m horribly behind on commenting to people (mrschimpf, I think I left our conversation hanging in the air!) and worse, I owe about four billion reviews to bjorks_defender, _starsinhereyes and _flutter for their incredible GG stories that have taken my breath away. And shirerain I know I owe you a review, but I need time to reread over your last chapter, I was in such a hurry the first time that I didn’t get a proper chance to muse over it. But I will get to it all!

And the best news of all: Jess is back. Enough said. 🙂