(Author’s Note: Trying something different. Don’t know if it’ll really convey what I want it to, but this was the way the words were coming to me.)

At just half past 7, the sky has already darkened to black, the street-lamps glowing a hazy yellow. The air has taken on the crisp chill of autumn and I am grateful that I had ignored the calendar and now wear a warm sweater and jacket.

The neon sign above the nondescript building glows white, contrasting black letters. “In concert,” it proclaims, “Vienna Teng, Sept 19.” The building is one of those relics from the sixties and seventies, when local bands found music clubs to perform in, little more than a bar with a stage at the back of the room. Or at least that is the impression they are trying to create, as I read the history of Shank Hall papered on the walls. The fictitious music club from the documentary “This Is Spinal Tap” brought into existence much as a self-fulfilled prophecy. I’ve never seen the movie–perhaps if I had, being in the building would have had added more significance to the evening.

The walls are brick, painted red, covered with scrawled graffiti and posters of past musical acts. The guy behind the counter–bald, with a bright red beard–manages not to gape in amazement when I ask nervously if the show is sold out. I am used to disappointment–find out about opportunities the day after the occur, and I still can’t believe my good fortune at discovering that she would be performing in my city, a week before she was scheduled to tour. But lady luck is with me tonight (would luck be male in this case?), for there are only a half dozen people scattered across the room.

One of them is a coworker, a nurse whose office I inhabit in the mornings, furiously writing down laboratory results and medication changes. She doesn’t remember my name, which since I had to sort through my memories to place her, doesn’t bother me. Her companion is a radiologist and we soon fall into comfortable conversation, passing the time, until the lights dim.

I’m sitting at a table, just mere feet from the stage–front row seats. The stage is small, with a keyboard and guitar stand, just two chairs. By now, the room has filled with another twenty people, still far from the three hundred that could fit into the hall. A man who sits next to me grumbles about the idiots of Milwaukee, how the performance in Illinois had sold out in days and states that it is a “disgrace” that the place is so empty. I can’t give him a satisfactory answer–personally, I am relishing the intimate setting, the sense that it is almost a private performance.

The opening act is a duo, Ellery, a couple from Ohio. She’s on the keyboard; she sings while he plays the guitar as backup. The lyrics are stirring, she has a sweet, ethereal voice, but I strain to understand all of her words. Dictation is not her strong point, but I enjoy the performance. There is something charming about a wife and husband touring and creating music together, and their love for each other is evident. “We’ve learned to forgive each other quickly” she states wryly. He smiles at her with that remark, and I am caught again in the desire to one day possess that–the shared communication of just a glance. I have gotten used to the idea of being alone, but the extended weekend of being around my best friend and her husband has awaken the realization that I still wanted more, a partner with whom to share my life and more.

The break is short as the team moves the keyboard around on the stage, adding another chair, replacing the guitar rack with a viola and violin. The nurse, her companion and I spend the time discussing the music and the other concerts they have seen; I am relieved to discover that while Milwaukee may have atrocious radio stations, there is a high selection of bands and artists who tour through the city. I resolve to keep my eyes open–perhaps there is the possibility of catching other favorites.

Vienna enters the stage without any fanfare or introduction. She and the other two members of her “band” sit and begin playing and I am instantly immersed. She is unassuming, warm and human on the stage. Her fingers fly across the keyboard, effortlessly. Every song seems to have personal meaning, meaning that even in my multiple listenings I have never discovered before. Her speaking voice is surprisingly deep and husky, in starch comparison to her fragile voice in song that soars in height.

Many of the songs are new; chagrin spreads over me as I realize that the reason she was on tour was because of a new album release. It is not long before the new songs seep into me.

The two hours slip by too quickly. Once, she stares out and asks the small crowd if we were familiar with her music and which songs would we like for her to perform. She seems stunned by the avalanche of requests–we may have been small in number, but devoted. She manages to play all of our favorites, many of them as solos, others joined with the haunting cello and the souring violin. Each song is introduced with a small insight into the writing process, the inspiration behind the lyrics.

Lullaby (my request) is her encore, followed by an a cappella performance of a Chinese lullaby. As she stands away from the spotlights, without a microphone, it doesn’t matter that the words are in a language that I don’t understand–I feel comfort, as if I found my home here.

I approach Vienna after the show, as she stands by the little stand of merchandise (my plans of buying the CD and getting her autograph are lost after discovering that I was seven dollars short in cash), conversing with the patrons. I try not to be a celebrity seeker, but I can’t resist the opportunity to express how much her music has meant to me. She hugs me , and I leave the music club, slightly heady at the experience.

The street is even more deserted as I make my way to my little car, wrapping my jacket closer. But there is music running through my head, and, at least for a little while, I have forgotten the loneliness.

You know when you have one of those days where nothing really bad happens, but you still end the day in a very crappy, “get out of my way” mood? Yeah, having one of those today.

I overslept because I forgot to set my alarm yesterday, was so late that I decided it wouldn’t hurt to be later, so actually had somewhat of a leisurely morning (10 min shower instead of 5). And nobody was too upset that I was gone–I hadn’t missed any important lectures, just one of those cutesy “what color is your personality” tests that ALL conferences must include. Most of today’s lectures were interesting, just long, long, long. Third day of 8-5 classes, and I’m dreading the next two days.

My clinic patient called. Again. Fifth time since I saw her a week ago. It’s really wearing on all of my sympathies. Note to patient: believe me, I believe and sympathize with your pain; as one who does have chronic pain, I do actually know something of what you are going through. But since you have tried 50 medications in the past several years AND NOTHING HAS HELPED, you can not expect over night improvements from me. I appreciate the trust, but you have to allow some leeway into figuring out what is going on.

I could continue the rant, but I think I’ll stop. It gets my blood pressure up.

The parking people called and changed my parking pass to the one that is clear on the other side of the hospital and clinics where I work. (gee thanks) I go to park there today… and the gates won’t open. Wonderful.

I can’t access the computer programs that I need at the VA where I’m doing classes this week, so trying to fix my above patient’s problems is even more fun.

I haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping in over 6 weeks.

I haven’t been able to go to the gym in a month.

I probably won’t be able to fit into the bridesmaid dress that I paid over $100 to have altered because my weight is skyrocketing because of the stress.

I’ve spent the last five days working with Chris on his personal statement for residency. It’s been slow and painful, trying to edit it and make it sound good and professional, and above all memorable in the right way. He’s already freaked out about applying because of some earlier difficulties, and so there’s been all this pressure to really make an excellent product.

Last night, we decided to scrap half of what the PS was focused on. I just about cried.

I have friends visiting for this weekend. I haven’t been able to clean my house at all. It’s a disaster. I’m working on the paper again tonight and still won’t have time to clean.

I’m up to two migraines per week. This isn’t good.

It’s rained for a week straight. Last night, it downpoured. And I discovered that the basement leaks, because the sidewalks and front porch drain towards the house. I don’t even want to contemplate how much it’s going to cost to fix that.

I’m really missing the sun.

Thanks for letting me get this rant out of the way. It was either whine here or break down in tears. And Michelle was wanting me to update. 🙂

Someone rang my doorbell and then walked into my house about a half hour ago. I’m still a little jumpy over it.

It’s okay, I’m okay, ’twas my neighbor’s friends who apparently got the houses confused… but I had been downstairs watching X-Files episodes, and it’s been long enough since I watched them that I was already on edge. And it was my own stupid fault… I had been out on my front porch sweeping it a bit (my place is looking a little worn down because I haven’t had time to mow or anything), and didn’t lock the door when I came back in. I think I’ve cured myself of that little slippage.

Anyway, I ran upstairs, yelling. I honestly don’t know what possessed me to do that, except the thought that if somebody was robbing me/waiting to rape me, I’d make enough of a ruckus to bring everybody in the neighborhood over. *shudders* They had left by the time I got up there, which is a good thing–I think I would have had a heart attack if I had actually seen somebody in my house.

I will not be telling this story to my parents. I can’t even imagine their freakoutage. But I am putting bats/heavy objects on the “to buy” list to keep by my doors.

I haven’t posted much this last month, have I?

It’s been a hard month in ways that have been difficult to put down on paper (er, virtual paper). Work has been overwhelming, in many ways. New hospital, new system, new attendings, new colleagues, and new service, as I’ve been working as a neurology resident this month, rather than medicine. Calls have been hard. Every fourth night, up all night, getting paged on three different pagers all at the same time over and over and over. Having an extremely busy service, which means less time to study and learn, so that I felt even more stupid than usual. Being 2 years since my last neurology rotation, so even though once upon a time, I actually knew this stuff inside and out, it’s gone now.

My first call night, I seriously reconsidered my decision to do neurology and internal medicine. Hated neuro, loathed the call, but I survived it.

I’ve had that thought a half dozen times now, and it hasn’t necessarily been a light hearted “I wonder if” kinda of thought. It’s been the “I wonder if I go and talk to the director, I can get out of this” kind of thought. It’s probably due to exhaustion. But I’m facing a 5 year stent of exhaustion and if I can’t handle the first months…

I’ve persevered and have decided that I definitely need more exposure (and rotations with a different resident, because I think my senior resident tainted my perspective) before really making the decision. But it’s never a good thing to find yourself in the middle of a life crisis–in the middle of responsibilities with no place to run.

And I don’t mean to suggest that all is bad. Far from it, I’ve had some excellent days. I have great patients right now and I’ve discovered that I still love wokring in the ICU and the ICU especially seems like the perfect place to combine neuro and medicine in the ways that I want… It’s more the thought of surviving the neuro residency which is much more overwhelming than I thought it was going to be. I was on call last night… we admitted 4 patients, had 3 consults (other services wanting our opinion on their patients), saw another patient and transferred them to another service, and admitted another to the NICU (neuro ICU). On top of this, I was taking calls from patients of the neuro attendings (who don’t have a freaking answering service, so it’s the extremely ignorant interns like myself who are fending calls on very complex patients), and managing the 30 or so patients on the floor and ICU. I’m getting more used to it, and I had an excellent resident to work with, who really made my workload easier. But I still filled up 2 of the 3 pagers, one of them I had to clean off twice.

Next month will be better. I’ll be solely in the NICU (part of the problem with this month is that the first part of the month I spent in the ICU and the second part I’ve been on the general neuro team. And they both require some adjustment!), and I won’t be taking call. AND, I have most weekends off. AND I have a week of vacation (9 days straight). Maybe that’s why I keep thinking it’s September, because, I really, really, really want it to be.

****
On a completely different subject…

I’m really in the mood for a layout change to my LJ. After seeing juno_magic‘s incredible lovely layout, mine has looked blah and uninteresting. But I don’t have time to (re)learn the CSS code and play with it, or design the background (still wanting Anne, just don’t know which one. Collage of Anne and Diana? Pretty PEI pictures? Mushy Anne/Gilbert? Autumn themed to get me in the mood?), which leaves me in this state of perpetual longing and frustration that I can’t figure it out. *sigh* Maybe that will be one of my vacation goals.

****
My raspberry bush is getting a second batch of fruit! Yay! I had fresh raspberries every day for the month of July, I hope that this batch last as long. Have I mentioned that it was the raspberry bush that convinced me that this place was supposed to be mine? It is such a delight to go out and pick the berries and plop them in my mouth–and then smile condescending to the poor saps in the grocery store who are paying $4 a carton for not as good berries (of course, when you think of it, I paid a LOT more for the privilege of mine, but I think there are other perks with my purchase. 🙂 ) Next year, I’ll be planting strawberries, I do hope they do as well.

****
Anybody out there who has a webcam? And uses a PC? I’m trying to see if iChat will allow me to webcam with someone who isn’t using iChat, but still is on AIM. If you do and would be willing to experiment, let me know. Chris is talking about getting one and I gotta make sure that if he did, I could actually talk with him.

****
I’m needing a new computer. My dear Flower Power iMAc has been a faithful companion for five years now, but I’ve filled up just about all of the memory and she is starting to creak–I can’t burn CDs any more, except at a snail’s pace, web browsing is slow, etc. It’s also becoming an issue of incompatibility–the Internal Medicine dept. gave me a Pocket PC that is virtually useless, because I can’t get it to synch with my computer and unfortunately, the hospital is all PC based, and so I haven’t been able to access some programs that I had hoped to. I’ve been strongly tempted to get a MacBookPro, which would solve all of those issues with the duel boot capabilities, but it’s so expensive and I’d be saving my pennies for a long time before I could afford it. A little iBook I could get now and would for the most part do just great. Decisions, decisions.

And I think that’s the end of the update with my boring little life. Hope all is going well with you. I’ve missed my interactions with you, the little chats and mingling of our lives. You are all in my thoughts.

*hugs*

(A wee bit sappy, but I had to share. And the sentiments apply to my RL friends, which I hope they know.)

It’s kinda pathetic when the best music station on the radio is the local NPR station. They seem to be the only one who’s playing something besides hiphop or punk or bubblegum pop or worse, 80s music. I listen to NPR every morning on my way to work, so I discovered quite inadvertently that every night, they host “Cafe Tonight” where they feature local artists, plus a wide variety of alternative, acousitc bands. Just my type.

For example, tonight, through “Cafe Tonight”, I discovered that Carbon Leaf released a new album on Sept. 12th (yes, i squeed) and already I’m in love with it. Especially “Under the Wire.” Too bad it’s not on iTunes yet… I can’t decide whether I should wait to see if iTunes picks it up or just buy it on Amazon.

Carbon Leaf also played tonight in Chicago. I may have been tempted to tackle the big city had I known. Instead, I did have a good evening, hanging out with a couple of other interns. I’m trying to get a social life, so I’ll have something to talk about when I call people or update LJ. I guess talking about my patients gets a little wearisome after a while.

Today I went to Berlin, London, Norway, Denmark and Belgium! And I gained a new state, Michigan, for my visited state map, leaving only 19 to go! Wow! Very good work for a day off!

I have the whole weekend off, in fact, and was going to spend it camping… but I was post call yesterday, and came home to take a nap, and didn’t wake up until 11:30 at night, and then slept in again today. So I took off today, drove through northern Wisconsin and Michigan, but I couldn’t find a campground that was further than 10 feet from the highway, so ended up just driving back. Kind of disappointing, especially when I was so looking forward to being away from the city, where I’d have a chance to see the meteor shower. I stopped a couple of times on the way home but it was too cloudy/foggy to see anything. It was so nice to get away, to just drive and not think about anything. I had my first “made on a farm” Wisconsin cheese and saw the Packers stadium and had a picnic by a waterfall.

I understand now why they are called “golden weekends”, these precious, rare two-days-together-off. I’m already getting sad at the mere thought that i have to go back on Monday…

*looks back*

I survived my first month of internship. I actually finished yesterday and had my last precious day off (spent once again tackling the loan issue. Still no answer, but I’m not giving up) today. It wasn’t that bad, really, this first month, I certainly expected worse. I was busy, but not horrendously so. My patient load was fairly light (I averaged about 3 patients, the most 6 on my first day, a couple of 0 that was really sweet), I was on a great team, worked with fabulous medical students who were eager, humorous and brilliant, had great attendings, two call nights where I got 6 hours of sleep around calls, and most days didn’t have to arrive at the hospital until around 7:30.

So, only 71 more months I guess. 🙂 But who’s counting.

I start working in the Neuro ICU tomorrow. It’s been over a year since the last time I did critical care and over a year and a half since I did adult neurology. So, I think it’s going to be much more of a learning curve… I guess I’ll be finding out whether or not this neurology thing is really for me.

I’ve spent the last couple of evenings watching the first season of Everwood on DVD. I started watching it because i was a little homesick (after the pilot, it was all filmed in Utah. They used to shoot scenes near where I lived and oh! those mountains!), but I got sucked in. I had forgotten how incredible their first season was… I’m not a big fan of first seasons of most shows (Buffy, Voyager, XF).. where the writers and the actors struggle to figure out how the story is going to unfold, but honestly, I think the first season was the best of the four of Everwood. The acting is honest and raw, every human emotion is so poignant and touching and real. This, this is what is great television, with (mostly) medically accurate portrayals to boot! Do yourself a favor…find it, rent it, buy it, watch it.

And that is the end of my commercialism preaching today.

I hate money with a loathing passion. Hate, hate, hate.

Especially when troubles with my loans (school this time) ruin my day off–I only have four of them a month, people, so when I have to fix mistakes that I didn’t make, I get a little peeved. Especially when I had spent hours in March/April/May talking to financial counselors to prevent just such a thing from happening.

Grrr.

Snippets of conversation from the past two days.

Patient #1: “I was telling the psych nurse what a wonderful doctor you are and how I easily I can talk you.”

*continues before I can interject a sincere thank you*

“She didn’t know who you were, so I tried you describe you. The little (indicates a height approximately two inches above his bed) blond girl with glasses who’s not very skinny but more plump. Kinda pretty.”

Um. My hair is still red, isn’t it????

Patient #2: *reaching over and patting my belly* “So, are you pregnant?”

(after I politely, without too much blushing, tell him that I’m not)

“oh! I’m sorry. The nurses were just talking and wondering, so I didn’t know….”

Yep, great day for the self esteem. I apparently need to work harder on finding a gym that is a) affordable (sorry, I’m NOT spending $63 dollars a month for the privilege of working out) and b) open past 6 at night.

*sigh* These are definitely the times when I think seriously about a tummy tuck or liposuction…

But to be fair. The Good Things That Happened Today
~ My patient (#1) has said that he’s going to write a letter to the hospital and tell them what a good doctor I am.

~I’ve been able to get blood cultures, AND I’ve been able to teach my little “Baby Docs” (the medical students, as one nurse affectionately terms them. Was humorous when she called them that, not so much when she used the label for me) how to do them and get them on the first stick as well. Am very proud.

~The oh-so-cute pharmacy student whispered sweet nothings in my ear…. about drug names and dosages that made me look like I knew what I was talking about. I swooned. 🙂 I think he calls me Jules, or at least it’s never come out as a complete Julia. Hmm…

~My medical student called me “darling.” He’s got a girlfriend that he’s planning to propose to soon, but the fact that he is comfortable enough with me is great (or maybe it’s not, should I be fostering an environment of respect and authority?). Oh, did I mention he’s cute too?

~ My attending, after I paged him with some results, paging back with the message “Strong work, doctor.” After the atrocious presentations that I’ve given recently (my mind does not work post call), that’s a very nice compliment.

Days off are the most wonderful things in the entire world.

Especially when they are filled with the company of a dearly loved, old roommate. Allison and I didn’t do anything real exciting, but I showed off my house and we hung my pictures, so it looks a little more like a home and I got to sleep in (until 10:30. It was bliss) and it was just wonderful. She lives close(r), so there are promises of repeated adventures.

I can’t wait for my next day off!

Especially since it promises to be even better, as Chris is finally coming home!! I won’t get to see him, but oh, the mere thought of talking to him, hearing his voice, is sheer bliss. Am very, very excited. 😀 😀 😀

My patient, the one who threw me out of the room, thanked me profusely today for giving him great care and helping him get better. It might have been because I had just signed his discharge orders and he was getting out of there.

I must admit to having a thrill of satisfaction when I read in the nursing report that he threw out the lab drawers this morning and refused to let them poke him as well. So it may not have been just me (although, to be honest, I definitely contributed).

Down to one patient, who should have been discharged two days ago (he was the other patient was was mad at me yesterday. Today, he was all sunshine and wit… I’m not sure that he remembered who I was). Every day, I get thwarted on my plans to ship him out and back to the other service, where he does need treatment. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, that’s what Annie sang. It’s going to happen tomorrow.

On call again tomorrow as well, all night. The chief resident messed up our schedule (or rather, we didn’t understand his motivations for the schedule and switched things on Saturday, making them even more messed up). I’m not sure that I’m fully ready for the “excitement” that being the cross cover provides again.

P.S. I think Orlando should stick to the tried and true action adventure movies. Drama, he does not do (although I think a crummy script contributed to the dismal Elizabethtown), and I don’t think he’s cute, unless he’s wielding a sword or a bow and arrow. Then I swoon. I haven’t been to the movies in months, and I was such a fangirl! So much fun!

I am not a superstitious person.

Or at least I didn’t used to be.

Now, I rap on tables when passing on my patients to the covering night intern that “there’s nothing to do. They’ll be like lambs all night long and not bother you.” I stop mid-sentence when talking about how calm things have been, or how we haven’t gotten any admissions.

Just so I don’t tempt fate. Or the powers that be. I forget in those moments that I believe in a supreme, benevolent God who doesn’t smite out vengeance at a lark.

Right now, I’m regretting writing about how good things have been. Because I did that, today was the worst day I’ve had yet.

I had two patients yell at me, swear at me of how I wasn’t listening to them and keeping them there and making their lives miserable. One was probably justified… my patient with the fever that I stuck a half dozen times trying to get some blood…and whom I walked in and informed that we needed more, and he was going to be my pin cushion again. It didn’t matter to him that I had practiced, that I had talked to the nurses and IV team and had gotten tips of how to do it better and get the vein when I needed to. He told me to leave, and I did. I got the other intern and begged her to do it.

The other was a patient that I had been trying to transfer back to another unit for two days and came in and discovered that all of my plans had come to naught. He was upset, I was upset and spent the rest of the day, trying to figure out what went wrong.

I haven’t cried. I didn’t get hurt or really upset, because I do understand that this is hard for them. But they don’t understand that it’s equally hard for me, to figure out my place, to be told that I, who have only practiced on fellow students, must go in and get blood on my patients…and my fellow students with their nice, plump, healthy veins are a far cry easier than these gentlemen. Thrown into the wolves and I have to fight my way out.

I survived my first week of internship. And my first night on call all night last night, crossing covering all 4 teams’ patients for the night. It wasn’t too bad, comparing it to the other intern’s experiences. My pager was going off nonstop from about 3 pm on (at the same time I was trying to get blood cultures draw…6 sticks later, I had to admit defeat and get another intern to come and help. So frustrating. I’ve done IVs before, but apparently, drawing blood is a slightly different technique. And can I just say how ridiculous it is, in a hospital, to not be able to have labs drawn on weekends? If you want something, you have to draw it yourself, which is a complete and inefficient waste of time. I did have two patients who spiked a fever overnight and I needed blood cultures on them. Luckily the IV nurse took pity on me (I think I looked pretty frazzled by that point) and offered to draw all of the labs that I needed last night, which saved me a lot of headache and stress. I could have hugged her.

Our team took five admissions yesterday (we were supposedly on divert because the ICU was full. Didn’t stop the ER team from allowing a woman to be transfered from one of the local hospitals for no reason what so ever…. and then admit her. Nice lady, but I was really frustrated that I had to work her up and admit her, when she really didn’t belong in the hospital), two were mine. That was probably the hardest thing, trying to admit and balance the numerous pages from all of the nurses and try to figure out what to do with patients that I know very little about (it’s hard enough figuring out what to do with my patients!), In addition, there was a fluke in the call schedule, which meant that while my resident was supposed to accept sign out and cover one of the medical teams, everybody signed out to me, which meant my load was heavier.

Things calmed down at around 11… the pages stopped, allowing me to write up my two admissions and then get some sleep. I got about four hours of sleep, which since everybody else that I’ve talked to has only gotten about 30 minutes, I was extremely blessed. It wasn’t good sleep, because I kept waking up in a panic that my beeper was going off and I was sleeping through it (I wasn’t). Or it really would go off and I had to figure out how to manage things in my sleep deprived mind. Fun, fun.

I came home and promptly went to sleep. Or tried to, as my pager kept going off. It’s true that it’s very difficult to leave the work behind at the hospital. One patient’s wife had come by, and as she was power of attorney, wondered why she hadn’t been informed of her hsuband’s transfer to our service, so I talked to her for a bit. Then, as I had basically give everybody the go ahead to transfer him back to the other service, I then got a call from that admitting physician, wondering why I was transferring him back when the cardiology consult said that he wasn’t stable in their note (completely opposite of what they told my team in person, btw). I think I got most of that fixed–I’ll find out tomorrow morning of whether or not the transfer actually went through.

So, I survived. I might be on call again on Wednesday (our schedules got messed up, as I said, so I have no idea anymore), which I’m hoping not. I need a couple of days to recover, and as I’m not getting a day off anytime soon (13 days, and counting), well, I’d rather not be on call again until Sunday.

I am loving my internship. Despite the hard work and the constant feeling of inadequacy (does it ever go away?). The vets that I work with are very sweet, especially the little old 80 or 90 year old men. I get very sad when they come in, very sick often, but always very patient with what we can offer them. They vets are some of the most appreciative patients you’ll see, and our VA system offers them so little sometimes. There are great things about the VA… their computer system and their clinics, but when it comes to hospital care… where they are really really cared completely by residents (great for residents to get experience, maybe not so good for the vets) and can only get PICC lines on Tuesday and Thursday (and not after 3 on those days, making them stay in the hospital until the next Tuesday or Thursday), or the million other ways that the system breaks down (and sorry, folks, I don’t think it’s because of evil socialized medicine. The VA could be providing some of the best care, It’s more the inefficiency of the system in place and the laziness/unwilling of those in the system to change), it saddens me.

So that’s my life, busy, tired, but generally happy. What’s going on with you?

Today is my day off. Which is nice. I survived the first two days of internship, as did my patients, which is always a good thing. It wasn’t too horrible, except there was so much that I forgot (didn’t do a physical exam on two of my patients. Not good. Didn’t tell the nurse that I was changing medications. Not good.) and I spent most of the time floundering in the decisions that I did make (giving that patient cough syrup, was that okay, or did I just make the other medical condition that we were treating him for worse? (you laugh, because it’s just cough syrup but when you think of all of the drug interaction….)).

So now, I get to enjoy the day being away from the hospital. Except I can’t figure out how to put a notification on my pager that I’m away, so I keep getting paged. I’ve just ignored them. That’s probably bad too.

And my next day off? Will be on July 22nd. That’s right. 19 days without a day off. I’m already getting crabby at the thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I am really enjoying this, I am between the freak out fits, and it was wonderful to be back in the hospital environment. I love talking to the patients and getting to know them. My patients have been wonderful and have very nicely been as well as they can be in a hospital, so I haven’t had to worry too much about them. But I get antsy when I have to be up every morning at 5 and don’t get a chance to just be lazy. *sigh*

I’ll be on call tomorrow, so I won’t be done until 9 pm, so I won’t be really celebrating the 4th, except by taking care of the veterans who sacrificed so much of themselves to protect our country, and when you look at it that way, it seems like the best use of a day.

Still without internet access. Getting beyond perturbed. It’s flipping a switch people, it shouldn’t take 10 days to do. I really, really, really need it working, so I can figure out how to get my new Pocket PC working and download some oh so valuable medical information so I’ll actually know how to manage my patients.

Still don’t have internet access at home, hence the long absence.

But I’m moved, my house is great (with a few annoying quirks that I’ll detail in the future), I finished my training yesterday. And today…

I became a Real Doctor. Actually I’m more like Pinoccio when he was still wooden, and not quite the Real Boy. I’m kinda missing the strings.

I will be busy for the next bit, trying to figure things out. Being an intern is very stressful. This morning, I felt like the biggest idiot (and probably was), and it’ll take some time to get over that.

*sigh* It gets downright depressing when I think how busy I’m going to be, compared to the relative ease that I’ve had the last several months. And the worst is there’s no end in site, just one day after another.

Sorry for not replying on the goings on in your life. It’s going to be some time before I can be as actively involved as I was before. *sigh again*

I forgot…

Packing up my computer means that it is impossible to write a “final post” (my favorite!).

So this is a day late.

But I am moved. My apartment was packed and sorted and stuffed into a Uhaul trailer, a Jeep and the back of my little car. Surprisingly, there’s still room if we wanted to fit more. I did have to leave behind all five boxes of my books…my parents have promised faithfully that they will mail them soon. They’d better!

Right now, we’re crossing the great and spacious state of Wyoming. We had left last night and went to my hometown for a regrouping and final goodbye before heading out today…Got an hour down the road and realized that we (I) had left the insurance information for the trailer on the table. So we turned around. I have a strange feeling of deja ve… I wondder why. But we finally got everything and are stopped for the night a hundred miles from Nebraska. Here’s hoping we make it on time for my closing on Friday.

I’m tired, so that’s it. I’ll be without internet for some time as I set up house, so don’t let anything important happen!

I got my intern year schedule today (finally! Most everybody else that I’ve talked to have known their schedule since May). And oh, it’s going to be a very busy, crazy year.

I had initially asked for vacation in Sept (for Sam’s wedding), December and May (for Chris’s graduation–I submitted it long before I knew that he would graduate with me) I did get my vacation week for Sam’s wedding… although they have me starting again on Sunday, the 24th, which means, I’d have to fly out on the Saturday, missing the reception. I’ve already written and asked that that be changed.

Then I have a vacation 3 weeks later, and then not another one until May. Seven months without a vacation. So much with the happy little thought of maybe getting to go home for the week prior to Christmas, I was hoping to go to the annual Pleth party, but that will be a no-go.

Worse, those six months are all ward months, all of them, which means 6 days a week, one day off, overnight call every 4th night. I knew this was what I was going to get into, but it seems daunting on paper.

My schedule is as follows:

7/1-7/31 – Medicine Wards, VA Hospital
8/1-8/31 – Neurology
9/1-9/30 – Neuro Intensive Care Unit (Vacation)
10/1-10/31 – Emergency Medicine, Big Hospital* (Vacation)
11/1-11/30 – Medicine Wards, Big Hospital
12/1-12/31 – Neurology
1/1-1/31 – Cardiology Wards, Big Hospital
2/1-2/28 – Medicine Wards, Big Hospital
3/1-3/31 – Medicine Wards, VA Hospital
4/1-4/30 – Neoplastic Consults, VA Hospital
5/1-5/31 – Neurology Consults, Big Hospital (Vacation)
6/1-6/30 – Medicine Wards, Big Hospital
*Hospital name changed slightly for privacy.

Off to pack more. I kinda wish that I had had more time earlier, because I could be having a yard sale and making all kinds of moolah, which since it looks like I was mistaken and I won’t be getting my first pay check until July 31st, I’m definitely starting to feel panicky poor. Why does this all have to be such a pain?

I’ve really underestimated how much time it was going to take to pack up my house.

Not to mention how much stuff I have. This is after the numerous stacks of papers that have been thrown away, the books that have been donated back to the library and the bags of clothes that were donated to the DI (Deseret Industries). I managed to get my books down to 3 boxes; I was much impressed, until I realized that this was not including my medical books which were in another location. My clothes might fit into 3 large suitcases, but they’re sure not looking like they’re going to cooperate. And I still have the three closets and the entire kitchen and most of my bedroom to go.

Ugh.

*dies*