Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past few days (and I was doing so good with the “post every day” thing too). One of my patients died on me, unexpectedly, and it’s been chewing me up inside, wondering what I missed, what I didn’t do that lead to the situation. I was responsible for her overnight… why didn’t I realize earlier that something was wrong.

Also, all of those fears about becoming a senior resident are overwhelming me. I’m not prepared, as this weekend taught me. I was the first one to the code, and all I could do was stare at her. All of the ACLS training (from a year ago), vanished and I could barely even remember to check to see if she was breathing or if there was a heart beat. Luckily, there were others who responded quickly and were adept at setting up the machine and directing others–exactly what I should have been doing. We got a heart rate back, but she was without oxygen too long and the family decided to withdraw care today.

A year later and I’m still not ready for this.