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10th October 2007

can’t take anymore

posted in Uncategorized |

Please somebody remind me why I’m doing neurology.

I had thought my experiences last December were due to my wonderful resident. Now, I’m realizing that the attending probably contributed to it as well, as he has certainly made these last few days less than tolerable. He yelled at everybody yesterday, which I missed because of clinic (never have I been so grateful for clinic), so we all arrived extra early to have the precious notes finished just the way he liked them, only to find myself the target today. I gave up counting the snide remarks because I was pretty much fighting back tears for most of rounds.

I have a patient to staff who I refused to admit the other night on call, who actually did have a stroke. It’s been eating me for the last two days, when I discovered the confirmatory scan, and tomorrow I get to present why I didn’t feel like I should admit an obviously ill patient (however, in retrospect, I still maintain that I was right in my decision, I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to defend it).

I’m clinging to the nice moments, of meeting up with Sonja and Satya, who reminded me that they loved working with me (and oh, I miss them and the MICU and the laughter and call nights…) and I’m not a horrible doctor (just a rather horrible neurologist). Running into Aaron who greeted me with a large, toothy grin that warmed me to the bottom of my toes and made it seem like November again.

The crush is fading. Maybe sleep deprivation. Maybe because I look/am ridiculous and Stephanie Meyer books aside, nobody finds the klutzy behavior cute (I’ve dropped my knife, my fork, all of my papers, my pager, tripped on my own feet, knocked over a tray trying to squeeze by someone, all in front of him. I’m really not usually this bad). Maybe the fact we’re all so battered that we’ve lost any fun loving spirit and we’re all grouchy and ugly to each other. Right now, I don’t even care.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 at 8:21 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Comments


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    bjorks_defender@livejournal says:

    -HUG-

    Sorry things are tough right now – I think a lot of it is probably sleep deprivation. I swear, when I’m tired, everything seems 5,000 times more terrible than it is. Just keep doing your best, sweetie, and you’ll make it through!

    It sounds like you’ve met some wonderful people to counteract the nasty-pants people, so hold onto that!

    Sorry the crush is fading! Maybe it is sleep deprivation again – or maybe it’s just the extra information you learned recently. Sometimes knowing too much can kill a crush faster than anything else. Since crushes are lovely though, I hope he redeems himself soon, or you find a new and improved crush to adore instead. 🙂

    Paul is out of town this weekend, so I’m probably going to be super-bored. What is your weekend looking like? Any chance you’d have time to chat? Just lemme know. He won’t get back until Sunday evening sometime, so I’m free alllll weekend. 🙂

    Love ya!

    • admin says:

      I’m on call this weekend. 🙁 I’ll be back Sunday, but I’ll probably be so tired that I’ll sleep through til Monday. I’d so love to chat, though… I’ve missed talking with you.

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