impending doom
My patient told me that [they] were going to die. I had come up to see them as they were having some difficulties and not getting better with the treatments that I had ordered over the phone. Patient looked anxious and uncomfortable, but vitals signs were stable and were certainly nothing to worry about. I ordered some tests and stayed there, while we started some treatments, reassuring that everything was okay and to just calm down. And I watched, horrified, as eyes rolled back into the head and the lungs stopped taking in breaths. Within seconds, the pulse was gone as well.
This is the second time that a patient has died in front of me and it felt like deja vu (really starting to dread the 5-6 o’clock hour). I felt only slightly more competent this time, listening for breath sounds, feeling for a pulse, directing the chest compressions. The medical ICU team was there within minutes and took over directing the code. I won’t go into any more details as to what happened next, because this is flirting close enough to HIPAA noncompliance, but as always, it’s really causing me to doubt me as a physician. I want to do critical care, but I just feel like a fish out of water in these situations. I know that it’s lack of experience, but there’s a big part of me that instantly defers when others arrive on the scene, and that’s wrong. I should be taking charge. I should know enough that I’m making decisions instantaneously–that why we learn the algorithms so it becomes second nature. And of course, there’s that part of me eating me up inside, wondering what I should have done sooner, faster. I chalked up the complaints to anxiety, when there was something seriously wrong. Am I that bad on my assessments? Even looking back, I still think that that I would have acted in same if I did it over again and that’s not good.
I was going to write more about my date tonight, but I got three hours of sleep this afternoon and I am utterly exhausted. The short version: I had a great time, I like the guy (as in, I haven’t found anything yet that is overwhelmingly a turnoff, otherwise, I’m still being cautious), deer hunting is loads of fun, and he gives pretty good hugs. 🙂 Look for more tomorrow.
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Oh, I’m really sorry.
I know it doesn’t make it any better, and you would know better than me, but I don’t see that there’s anything more you could have done. He knew he was going to die, and he did, and to me that sounds really straightforward and not your fault at all.
*hugs*
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I’m so sorry about the patient. 🙁
*hugs*
Glad the date went well, though. I’m looking forward to hearing more about it. 🙂
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Sorry to hear about your experience at work; it must be really hard.
Glad the date went well!
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*hugs*
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.
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Aww, I’m sorry, Jules! I have to imagine that it is and always will be just as hard everytime you lose a patient. 🙁
As for the date… deer hunting? I hope you don’t mean literally ‘cuz then I’d have to be really sad.
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That’s rough. I’m sorry about that.
You know though, you sound alot like me. Like, when I start a new job or whatever, its only after a while that I become comfortable enough to get out of my shy shell and take charge. I’m certain that it is just going to take a while, but that soon you will be confident and brave to know what needs/should be done, and step up to execute it properly to be the best doctor. With your entries it sounds like a job that not many people could do, but I think you definitely have what it takes. 🙂