1) I love my job. I do. I love what I do. I love the connections I make with patients and families over very scary and life-threatening (and life taking) conditions. But my word, am I ever so glad when Sunday comes and I no longer have to deal with the inevitable clashes that occur because of strong personalities and differing perspectives. Oi.

2) There was an article on NPR a couple of weeks ago about a doctor who kept a diary with one sentence about every patient of his that died over the years. It has resonated with me, although I have joked that my list will be longer than his in just a few years. This week, I only had one death to add to my list.

3) I (semi) have this week off. With this rainy weather, I’m really excited to tackle a few more books on my reading list. I’ve been making my way through Fic: Why Fanfiction Is Taking Over the Word by Anne Jamison, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, and Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein (the sequel to Code Name Verity which was one of the best books I read last year). It’s been so long since I read actual books for fun, that I’ve almost forgotten how (I read lots and lots of fanfic, but that seems to be different somehow).

4) I am contemplating upgrading my camera. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten a speck or two of dirt in the body and can’t get them out. Cleaning a camera body costs almost as much as replacement and it would be nice to have a camera that could do video. Does anybody have any experience with the D7100 line? Or a Rolleiflex, I could go for a rolleiflex. *drool*

5) On a related note, I watched Finding Vivian Maier some months ago, and I am still constantly thinking about it and how I yearn to document my place and my relation to this world. The reaction against “selfies.” My family’s reactions to me taking pictures at the funerals of my grandparents (my dad’s family being accepting, as a way to connect the generations, my mom’s family deep chagrin and shame, to the point that they have barely talked to me in the two years since). I don’t exactly fear death anymore (I usher it in much too frequently), but I do fear not having some small, if impermanent and brief, tangible imprint. Photography is one of those methods of connections, I guess.

I have been feeling nostaglic for my blog. November is especially wistful because of all of the years that I did NaBloPoMo. Of course, nostalgia quickly passed when I discovered that it no longer cross-posts to my other blogs and I have to update it, which will break all of my plugins. 

But I’m here. And it’s now November.

1) I’m mostly on facebook these days. While there are many, many things that I find annoying about facebook, I do appreciate the dialogue that it fosters. I belong to something like 50 different groups (that vary in their activity and my activity; I’m probably active in less than 10), mostly Mormon and politics related. I’ve made many friends through facebook that has almost made up for the alienation from my extended family for my political beliefs. 

2) I went (mostly) sugar free for the month of October as a challenge to myself because I tend to have an addictive personality. I may have forgotten that October is the start of the heaven known as pumpkin everything. Getting to finally eat my pumpkin macaron and dark chocolate pumpkin spice caramel (curse you, Trader Joes!) was utter bliss tonight. Also pumpkin spice M&Ms are delightful, but caramel apple milky way bites are (shockingly) even better. 

3) I’m working with a new neurosurgeon at the hospital (he started 2 weeks ago). His micromanaging is beyond aggravating. Plus his decisions aren’t based on any kind of evidence based decision. The nurses are frustrated. I’m frustrated and trying to remember that transitions cause growing pains for all of us. One more day. 

4) I am still finding the transition to attending physician to be … disconcerting, even a year later. But there is something truly satisfying about evaluating the decisions you’ve made and realizing that they were good ones. 

5) I am so excited for the extra hour of sleep tonight, you all have no idea.

So, yeah. Remember the times when I used to blog every day for the month of November? I really wanted to do NaBloPoMo again – and then I was working the 1st and before I knew it, it was already past midnight, and if you’re going to mess up on the very first day, well.

But maybe I’ll do a half month. NaBloPoHaMoFoUnAc (National Blog Posting Half Month for the UnderAchievers) or something.

Mostly I’m writing to post this for remembrance sake:

It cost me something around $6000 dollars to get that extra point that kept me from passing last year, not to mention the time suck – I will be forever bitter, I think. But I am now, officially, an internist and a neurologist.

Neurocritical care boards are in little over 3 weeks (I hate physiology. Why did I go into a field that has so much physiology)??. Hopefully that will be the last test that I have to take for 8 years.

I have a cold tonight, with a cough and aching ears. And a cold sore. And cramps. So rather than go out, like I thought I might, I’m staying in, eating pizza and reflecting on this past year. I haven’t written on my blog for months, rather preferring the short and snappy updates that Facebook provides. But this needs a little more introspection and since I feel like I’m irritated at half of my facebook friends. And I have missed you all, so much.

January:
-I was on the stroke service that month, which meant long hours. It went better than the previous September (which I spent the entire month flustered and irritated at how much I didn’t know). I solidified my reputation as “the angel of death”, where in a week, I held family conferences about goals of care every single day with a new family. I participated in my first “donation after cardiac death”, which was profound, unsettling and extremely spiritual.
-I made a couple of friends! I started to get to know my co-fellow Michel better and we hung out watching Glee and Sherlock together on our one night off a week.
-I went back to Milwaukee for a weekend to witness the wedding of one of my besties, Sarah. She was such a lovely bride and it was lovely seeing some of my Milwaukee friends again.
-After being on the market for 6+ months, my house had a offer! Thus started months of more waiting and endless paperwork.

February:
-On the ICU service this month, in the medical/surgical unit. I spent a week on night float (working the night shift, which I actually really enjoyed). I discovered that I really don’t like working with some old-time general surgeons, which confirmed that I really, really hate open ICUs (I’ll describe later if you’re truly interested).
-House update: (which I think I shared) From my realtor: “”I just got off the phone with our negotiator, and she said the offer looks good compared to the value it came in at. She would not give me the BPO value. She will be reviewing the HUDs, etc later today to see if there are any changes which need to be made there and send me an update later today. I will let everyone know when I hear.” Hope sprung eternal.
-Personal life: I was pretty sleep deprived this month. But I discovered a whole bunch of new music (including that catchy little tune from Gotye).

March:
-At the county hospital this month, taking care of neurological patients. It also included getting up for rounds at 6:00 am. We had a couple of devastating patients (if I never see another NMDA receptor encephalitis again, I’ll be happy).
-The offer for my house was accepted. More paperwork and more money.
-I started officially studying for my neurology boards.
-I spent one weekend driving around the South Bay, met up with some Mormon feminists who I had met online (wonderful people. Such an awesome gathering). Another weekend (I had two off that month) I went to Cirque de Soleil with a couple of my friends. It was amazing and I had a really great time getting to know some awesome women on the drive down to San Jose.

April:
-I was at the county hospital in the medical ICU. Which was my favorite month all year long. A closed ICU – such bliss. Sick patients but competent residents and interns. Lots of pathology. I personally saved the life of one young patient who actively tried to die for an eight hour person – and walked out of the hospital 2 weeks later completely okay. It was the first time I felt mostly competent. It was wonderful and far too short (I was only there for 2 weeks. The only two weeks were back at the med/surg ICU at UCSF where, ugh, surgeons).
-Closing date for my house set. Closing documents signed. And the mortgage propmtly informed me that they were proceeding with foreclosure, which added another level of stress to my ulcer.
-April 25th: I am no longer a homeowner.

May:
-On stroke again. Had two weeks with my least favorite attending and felt like an idiot pretty much every day. In short, work was boring.
-Chris got married, so I flew back to Wisconsin for that event. He and his bride were lovely and oh so happy and the ceremony was gorgeous. I made an instant connection with one of their friends, who, it turns out is gay, so there was no matchmaking for me. It was wonderful and horribly painful. I didn’t even get a picture of me and the couple.
– I spent a couple of days down in Illinois visiting with Susan and her family and exploring their new house. Somedays, I just wanna move into their guest bedroom.
-I went on a Memorial Day vacation, where I drove up the coast and camped two nights under redwoods. It was perfect and rejuvenating. I do so much better when I can go out into nature and recharge.

June:
– I spent a week at home. My sister came up with her two little boys, so I got to be Auntie (one of my favorite professions). We ran around the elementary gym, threw balls, read stories and went on walks. Carden kept us all cracking up with his little words of wisdom. David practiced his walking while his aunties adored.
– My closest friend here in SF moved back to Canada. I’ve hated losing his friendship. We spent a lot of time exploring restaurants and watching Glee together and ranting about work.
– I studied for my neurology boards most of the rest of the month.
– My roommate (the person I was subletting the apartment from while she was off getting another degree) moved back in. We got along mostly well, but I hated being crammed back into a tiny little bedroom.
– Health care reform was deemed constitutionally okay by the Supreme Court! Yes!
– I walked in the SF Pride Parade as a straight Mormon ally for marriage equality. I think I shocked some of my family, but it was such an emotional and spiritual experience and definitely one of the highlights of my year.

July:
– On stroke again this month. Some very long, exhausting call nights with minimal sleep (I annoyed my roommate with the number of times the pager was going off).
– I went swing dancing for the first time here and it more than anything solidified me feeling like I was at home. Lots of good partners. I still need to buy me a pair of saddle shoes.
– Study, study, study, study.
– My grandpa was diagnosed with terminal cancer (esophageal which had already spread throughout his body at diagnosis. He opted to not undergo any palliative chemo or radiation.
– I moved! I got university housing in an adorable apartment complex up the hill, surrounded by a eucalyptus forest. It’s probably one of my favorite places I’ve ever lived and it has been really good for me to live a little above the city and out of it. Plus I have the most gorgeous walk ever every morning to work (getting groceries has been much more challenging).
– I met Chris Colfer. For 30 glorious seconds we were best friends. He called me sweetie. My inner fifteen year old squees.

August:
– On a research elective for the next two months, where I attended class again (wow, I can’t sit through hours of lectures any more) and wrote a research proposal that hasn’t gone anywhere. And studied, studied, studied.
– My parents came out and visited. We bought a couch and a bed for my little apartment. We spent a couple of days in Yosemite where there was active hantavirus and the bubonic plague. The scenery was gorgeous; I can see why Ansel Adams basically never took a picture of anything else. But there were a lot of people and I get wearied by jostling people pushing to see landmarks. I may try again this spring with its still muddy and chilly and keeps pesky tourists away.
– Shooting at a Sikh temple in Milwaukee. My friends and acquaintances are thankfully okay.
– Study, study, study.
– Blues dancing!
– Les Miserables live!
– Study, study, study

September:
– Study, study, study
– Look, squirrel!
– Study, study, study
– I hate my life
– Study, study, study
– When will this be over???
– Study, study, study
– I’m going to fail
– Study, study, study.
– Maybe I won’t fail after all.
– September 20: pretty sure I failed this test. I cried the entire bus ride home.
– A couple of study breaks: opera in the ball park (Rigoletto!). Wait, that might have been my only study break.
– Watched the space shuttle Endeavor circle over the bay and the city.
– I went home for a week of vacation. I spent a couple of days up in northern Utah visiting my grandma and grandpa. Grandpa was starting to look frailer and stated that he didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. I didn’t want to leave, but I hugged him goodbye for the last time. He squeezed me tight, pressing my face against his plaid shirt, just like always.
– I went down to Arizona with my family for a few days as well. We visited with my Grandma (my mom’s mom) who was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. She smiled and laughed an cried when we came through the door. Language failed her, but she expressed it all in her hugs. She kissed my neck as I hugged her goodbye- the last touch of hers.

October:
– Work: at the county hospital again on the neuro ICU. Have another fellow so call nights aren’t so bad.
– Went to Denver for the Neurocritical care society meeting. Met a few people and “networked”, thus starting the job search process. Overall impression: meetings were too early in the morning. And I hate all day lectures. I did spend an afternoon with my awesome cousin though!
– Facebook tells me I was obsessed with politics. I was.
– My grandfather started getting sicker towards the end of the month and on October 25 my beloved grandpa died surrounded by his family.
– I flew home for the funeral and thanks to an overlap due to the end and beginning of rotations, I was able to spend 5 days with my grandma, who also has dementia, so she was reliving his death over and over. The funeral was touching, a tribute to the man that my grandpa was – his kindess and compassion and service touched so many.

November:
– Election. My guy won and the city exploded in glee. It was a good time.
– Two days after returning home from the funeral, my mom called and told me that her mom was ill. On November 11th, my grandma passed away.
– Travel to AZ this time for the funeral (a shorter trip unfortunately). The funeral was held in Mesa, and then we travelled to her little hometown in New Mexico for the burial. The cotton was in seed and being harvested, entire fields were covered in white. It was beautiful. I reminisced with cousins and played with my nephews.
– Thanksbirthgivingday! I turned 34 and had thanksgiving dinner with my friend Dan and his boyfriend.
– Went to Monterey Bay and saw the aquarium (eh) and ate crab in a restaurant on the shore (yum). Sea lions barked right outside.
– My board scores came back. I did not pass. The next day I found out that I failed by one percentage point.
– Tosca at the SF Opera (*swoon*)

December:
– Job applications. Spent the first 10 days working on cover letters and resumes before finally sending them out.
– I’ve applied to four different places (I kept the list small this time) and have had two phone interviews. I have an interview in Portland in the middle of January and one in Utah in the next few weeks (still working out times). I’m not exactly sure of my decision to likely stay in academic medicine, but I’ll give it a couple of years and if I really hate it, I’ll move on.
– The apocalypse didn’t happen. Sad. 🙁
– The Hobbit! (yes, it deserves to be mentioned in my year review because oh, it reminded me of 10 years ago)
– I wore pants to church. (It was apparently a big deal. New York Times big deal, who didn’t ask me for a quote. I mean, what?)
– Christmas vacation at home (yes, I went home a lot this past year) and in Arizona. I flew back yesterday.
– Saw Vienna Teng for the 6th time last night and as always, she was amazing. Front rows seat, but unfortunately was blocked by her piano. I hugged her afterwards, got my picture taken with her and she complimented me on my shirt. A wonderful end to a year that has had a lot of frustrations and losses and crushing disappointments.

Books read: The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks, Princess of Stone (Princess Academy sequel) and Midnight in Austenland by Shannon Hale, The Land of Stories by Chris Colfer, two neurology textbooks and more questions/flashcards that you could ever guess. I’m half way through A Discovery of Witches and I’ve started Code Name Verity on my friend Brooke’s recommendation but haven’t made it past the first chapter.
Movies seen: The Avengers, Brave, Pitch Perfect, The Hobbit
TV shows: Sherlock, Glee, The Glee Project, Suits (but missed the last two-three episodes because I moved). I’ve downloaded Downton Abbey, but haven’t seen it yet. I didn’t even bother with Doctor Who, since I haven’t finished last season.
Concerts: Vienna Teng
Symphony/Opera/Theater: SF Youth Symphony performing Mahler, Les Miserables, Rigoletto, The Lion King, Tosca. I’ll be seeing Wicked here in a few weeks.

Happy New Year, all! I hope it brings you happiness and contentment.

Oh Milwaukee don’t forget me
As the miles between us grow
Keep the maple tree carved
with the name of my love
The hills we would sled race down
Lake Michigan stay endless
and painted in sky Goodbye
~Vienna Teng, No Gringo

June 25, 2006. I should have realized how ill-prepared I was to become a homeowner, when I walked into the closing with a checkbook, ready to pay my down payment. My realtor stared at me. How was I to know, naive girl who was just starting my second paying job, that important business transactions like this required cashier’s checks, no personal checks with yellow background decorated with drawings of Curious George? I was hundreds of miles from my bank and overwhelmed. We figured out a compromise, I bought the house, signing my name to a hundred different pieces of paper. I couldn’t foresee the moment in February when I realized that I couldn’t afford my mortgage, student loans and heating bill. Or when I got letters from the post office stating that they would no longer deliver to me unless I plowed my walk for the 60th time that winter. Or the repeated swamping of the basement.

I grew up in that house. My mouth was stained pink from July onward from the raspberries. I cursed the squirrels that ran rampant through the yard. I lay in the enclosed backyard in the dark and strained at the city-bleached stars. Friends came over and perched on my couch or laughed in my kitchen. There was heartache and tears and laughter and hugs. It was imperfect, it was difficult, but it was home.

June 21, 2011. I walked through the empty rooms, imprinting the curve of the entryway, the perfect red-gray of the living room with the morning sun slanted through the windows. I kissed the doorway, pressed lips to the wooden frame that had held my dreams and my reality for the past 5 years, and turned the key for the last time. The house was going on the market that day and I was certain that somebody, somebody would fall in love as I had.

April 25, 2012. The end of three hundred and nine days of purgatory was anti-climatic. The designated time came and passed and an email arrived in my inbox, with the subject: Julia D******/Metcalf CLOSED. And just like that, I was no longer a homeowner.

I don’t think I can describe what this past year has been like. A constant tension thrumming under my skin. I haven’t had my phone ringer on for months, due to the incessant calls from my mortgage company – I never thought that I would be the person fearing that I’d hear from debt collector. The day that I got certified mail that stated that I was being pursued for foreclosure, that was a rough day. Every 10 days lowering the price again and again, fearful that the bank wouldn’t accept the final offer. I pinched pennies, worrying about the bank’s judgements of my spending habits. Even when I got an offer and then an acceptance, the fear didn’t lessen.

This isn’t a perfect happily ever after ending. The government views this sale as profit, even though I have lost so much, so I’ll be paying hefty taxes next year. My credit, while not ruined, has been damaged and will be damaged for the next few years. But it’s an ending and perhaps now, I can begin again.

Goodbye

Approval.

As in, “Nationstar Mortgage approves the sale of the property” and “will provide documents to release the mortgage” and “waive any remaining balance on the account.”

As in, I can almost taste the freedom.

It’s still a wee bit premature to celebrate. I now have to wait through all of the typical home closing drama – getting the house inspected, having the buyers officially approved for the loan, setting a closing date, signing lots and lots and lots of documents, all of which has to be done by April 27th, a mere 45 days away. Every step has the potential to fail, to dissolve all of the hard work and I can still be facing foreclosure. But this was the big, rate-limiting step (see above diagram. Who knew that general chemistry would still be applicable?) and the success here makes me truly hopeful for the first time that things will work out.

From my realtor: “I just got off the phone with our negotiator, and she said the offer looks good compared to the value it came in at. She would not give me the BPO value. She will be reviewing the HUDs, etc later today to see if there are any changes which need to be made there and send me an update later today. I will let everyone know when I hear.”

Interpretation: there is a glimmer of hope that this short sale might actual go through. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up. Do not get hopes up.

Today marks the start of my 34th year. I had been thinking all month of the deep, meaningful blog I was going to write on my birthday, expanding on my inner thoughts and emotions. I really have only a few. One, I have no idea how I got this old. And two, are you supposed to actually feel old and adult at some point? I’m glad to be older – I still get told on a weekly basis that I don’t look old enough to be a doctor (but I think that’s more because I’m a woman, rather than just the fact that I’m still breaking out with pimples on my chin like I was 15) and being over 30 means that I have some force behind my words when I argue back. But I remember college like it was yesterday and I still have my “squees” that while different, still give me the same entertainment and glee as yesteryear when I was young enough not to be embarrassed by it all. 🙂

My life has been blessed, house problems and long hours on call, and all. I am so thankful for the rich treasury of family and friendships, that give my life meaning. It has been a wonderful life and I’m thankful for all of you for being a part of it.

Susan made me pumpkin pie, which I finished on the plane ride, and Liz surprised me with birthday brownies and her little girls singing me happy birthday (they are 4 and 2 so adorable). This year has definitely started out right!

The hardest part of a perfect weekend is the fact that it has to end. Susan and I spent a wonderful afternoon at Fisherman’s Wharf. Its by far, the most touristy place in San francisco – even on a Monday afternoon it was packed. We wandered through a bunch of little stores selling sexy fairies (um.) and touristy magnets made in China. I found some smoked sweet paprika and a new rooibos tea to try. We had yummy sourdough bread and soup for lunch and finished it off with ghirardelli chocolate. The weather was warmish, the sun was shining – a truly perfect day.

But now, the day is waning. Susan has already gone to bed and she’ll be leaving midmorning and I’m already mourning. I hate the silence that descends when I am left alone – usually I don’t even notice it until I lose the noise and the words and the movements of my guests and then it’s overwhelming.

Once, years ago, the two of us had planned this massive road trip when we graduated college, but I had surgery and she got married, so it never happened. This felt a little like compensation, of renewal, ten years later, and a promise of years to come.

I’m heading home tomorrow for Thanksgiving and a week at home seeing family and friends.

Took a wrong turn on our Sunday drive, and ended up in the Dharma Initiative. They gave us a bunker and a VW bus! Wow! Next we get to watch these educational videos. I can’t wait! The jumpsuits are so cool!!

Snapshots
– Rescued Susan from a homeless person asking for money and a hairy, older man propositioning her – “it’ll be quick” said he.
– Lunch at the little Middle Eastern cafe down the road
– Driving to two different grocery stores because only an idiot would go grocery shopping the weekend before Thanksgiving
– The perfect parallel parking job outside Trader Joe’s (I am Awesome)
– Perfectly boiled eggs, even though I boiled the water first and stuck them in, contrary to what Betty Crocker recommended. The secret: boiled them for 2.5 minutes, turned the heat off and let them cook for the next 20 minutes. Perfect peeling.
– Yummy grilled egg salad sandwiches, sautéed kale, and for dessert, pumpkin cupcakes with spiced pumpkin icing. So. Good. So good. Ours didn’t look nearly that pretty, but they’re going to be breakfast too.
– Watching Once Upon a Time. Still not as wonderful as Lost, but engaging. I’m hopeful and excited for tomorrow’s episode (if I can get my tv to pick up more than just the Fox network)
– Lots and lots of talking and laughing and laughing some more. I may just have to steal her forever.

Have you heard the new Snow Patrol album yet? It is blowing my mind and entwining itself into my subconscious. It doesn’t get released here in the US until January (why?? Payback for the US for getting all the goodies first usually, I guess), but it’s been released in the UK, and wow, it’s stunning.

The song “New York” is particularly haunting.
If you were here beside me instead of in New York
If the curve of you was curved on me
I’d tell you that I loved you before I ever knew you
Because I loved the simple thought of you

Dear idiotic people who have no idea how to apply protocols to actual patients.

Death happens to all of us. It’s especially common in our aging populations. Especially those who are over the age of 80 and have a barely functioning heart. And when that poor, overworked and sick heart dies and stops, and you don’t get a heart rate back (barely) until after a half an hour of chest compressions and shocks, it’s a sign that death’s time may have come and that’s a good thing. Really. So please, please, please, don’t ask me to come and induce hypothermia in a person whose chance of a good neurological outcome was next to nil to begin with, just so that the family can linger in uncertainty for 4 days for what we all know to be the inevitable outcome. And if you really didn’t want my opinion and was going to do it anyhow, don’t get pissed because I won’t give you my blessing, ’cause believe me, you’re going to hear an earful.

This hospital is crazy.

I have a migraine. The pager has been going off nonstop and I am cranky. Think I can sneak in a nap?

This was a much better surprise than the mean, threatening letter from my mortgage company. Thanks for the card and postcard, Mom! <3 <3 <3

I have such a love hate relationship with book adaptions. This looks amazing, actually, but it’s already started to supplant the Hunger Games that’s been so vivid in my mind. Prim is perfect. Gale not so much. The Panem people look a lot more normal and less glam than I had pictured. Cinna- well, Lenny Kravitz might win me over after all.

I had a meeting with my program director to plan out next year’s schedule. It went really well, actually. She was receptive to some of my criticisms of the program, mainly that it’s too fragmented and disjointed and hopefully things will change next year. I’m pushing for some awesome critical care months on the trauma service as well to really round out my exposure and training. We talked about how I’m likely not going to be able to get boarded in medical critical care, because of regulations and requirements that changed this year, but she is going to be appealing my case to ACGME and we’ll see – I really am insane for pushing to be eligible to take yet another 8 hour test that costs thousands of dollars. We also talked about some research projects, focusing on more quality improvement and outcomes, since she could tell that I am not a big researcher (or at all), but how this could help my future career.

And we discussed planning of my schedule next year so that I would have time for interviews. Real job interviews. The type of interviews where I go and talk about ideal work schedules and benefits and salaries and how can I possibly be to that decision point already?? Commence freak out!

I’m really, really excited too!

The combination of this picture and this horrid article from Salon, well. I’m feeling rather raw and exposed, this desperate longing for just one connection, one touch, one moment of breathless anticipation of first love.

All the maps will only show me how to lose my way…

(It’s November, about 10 days prior to my birthday. Time for the obligatory annual whining post of how I’ll always be alone. Don’t worry, it usually passes.) (And I realize that my blog this November has been even more dire and “woe is me” than usual. Tomorrow I’ll have cheerful, happy post about my new ward and my new calling as social media director for the midsingles program, which I had been planning on doing. And I won’t even mention that I’m surrounded by young couples in love and about “flunking out” of the young single adults program by getting too old and not being married. Promise.)

http://jcd1013.livejournal.com

Click! Click! And admire! I finally changed my blog’s layout! I think I’ve had my previous layout since, oh, March 6, 2008 (this is why you blog people, so you can go back and find out random things of your life), and it badly needed an update. I had a really hard time of letting go of Anne, though. The layout in many ways sucked – I could never get it looking good on any other computer but mine (I am such an amateur coder!) and it broke with every little change that LJ underwent. But it was still the layout that I sort of identified myself by, my little unique footprint on the digital world. But oh, I was starting to hate looking at the misaligned entries every day. Change is good.

Still girly and whimsical, though; I can’t ever seem to design a blog differently. I tried to make it more “old world” traveling and nostalgia with leather luggage and old maps and globes, but then I found this Kim Anderson picture (whose photography I just absolutely adore), well, it just seemed so perfectly me and I couldn’t resist. 🙂

I think I’m getting rid of all of my icons as well and starting over. A clean slate everywhere. Half of mine are inactive anyway, since LJ took them away when I didn’t renew my blog as timely as they wanted and they want me to pay more to get them back.

I’ve had a fairly lazy day and since it’s been drizzly and overcast and on the cool side, it’s been perfect. Went to work this morning, where we only had a few patients. Half way through rounds, I became suddenly ill – diaphoretic, nauseated, light-headed – which I’ve had happen a couple of times in the past and I’m not sure the cause – migraine precursor? Viral illness? Irritable bowel syndrome? It improved after sitting down and getting something to eat, but I’ve been rather sluggish all day since then. Luckily my pager has been relatively quiet and I was able to grab a lovely nap this afternoon and I feel better, but I really hope that this isn’t a portender (portendor?? spell check doesn’t like either of them) of an illness of doom. But I do need to get to bed now, to hold off the ill vapors.

Apparently your wish will come true if you make it at 11:11 on 11/11/11. I’m not superstitious, but I do love perfect moments and aesthetically perfect numbers and dates like these make me happy. Especially when they coincide with days off work, which are even more magical. So I might have an under-the-breath wish to make…

Happy Remembrance/Armistice/Veterans Day everybody. May we all remember the long, painful cost of war and do our part to keep the peace.

One of my besties from Milwaukee is getting married. Married, I still can’t believe it. Sarah has had some of the worst dating experiences ever so it’s still a little shocking that everything has come together so nicely and her fiance is just perfect. I am so overcome with happiness for her. Tonight was her bachelorette party and Saturday is her engagement party. I missed both of them, obviously. I had hoped to go back to Milwaukee this week, but tickets were expensive, I told a colleague that I would cover for him so I’m working this weekend and I did feel like I needed to do something productive this month. So I didn’t get to go.

And then I remembered: I have an iPad now and can do FaceTime! Woot! So I got home from work as quickly as I could and tried to connect with my friend Laura. And tried. It just wouldn’t connect. So I didn’t get to see her open her presents. Or anybody ride the Pepper. I’m rather bummed about it. This is always the hardest part about being away, missing out on the good times and not being involved like I want to be. It sounds like it was a fabulous event, although I still haven’t seen photographic proof of it yet and my gifts didn’t arrive in time, so they obviously missed out on the best part. 🙂

I’ll be there for the wedding – a very, very short weekend, unfortunately, but I’ll still be there. I need to look for a new dress. Something deep red and flirty. Right now, I’m thinking knee length with a full, flared skirt, but I think that’s just the adoration for Glee’s costumes for West Side Story bleeding in.

Dear Liz:

I’ve killed our basil plant and I don’t know how! I watered it once a week, gave it plenty of sunshine and it’s just withered away. Granted, I haven’t talked to it or caressed its green leaves, except when I plucked them for gnawing, but I thought for sure that my love would be enough to save it.

Woe. No pesto for me. 🙁 🙁 🙁