I hate days like this.

The stress of the last week and the increasing burden caught up with me today… Almost started crying in church. Then, after going to study with Chris and him being an hour late, I did break down. Started crying in Starbucks. We went out on the grass and I just bawled. Poor guy. He really should consider psychiatry, he’s pretty good at it.

There’s just so much going on right now. I’m burned out on class and this last section–yeah, I don’t understand it at all. On top of it all, I have this massive paper I have to complete by Wednesday and these cumulative finals that I haven’t started studying for and what was that big test that my whole career depends on? The one that I should have started studying for in at least March? I have so much that I have to do, and no real end in site. Not for another year. Overheard third-years talking about how much they got screwed over in their rotations…Yeah, all those fears came flooding back. I’m going to suck during third year. I don’t do high stress situations. I’m not good at deciding what somebody else is thinking and wanting me to do. And I thought I spent an abnormal amount of time in tears this year.

This thing with Liz is absolutely killing me. I hate not talking to her. I hate that every time I do talk to her, it’s criticisms of what I could do better. The bathroom’s not cleaned, I don’t turn my alarm off early enough, I shouldn’t have bothered making those frames, even though she bothered me about them for months because she hated that the puzzles were just glued to cardboard (long boring story). Etc, etc. And to add to it, I’m constantly confronted by the fact that she is actively trying to move out. Flyers for apartments. Talking to other girls in our church. And the biting thing–she’s searching for a roommate. Any roommate that’s not me, I guess. I hate it. I hate feeling caught in the middle, like there’s nothing I can do. I’m torn between feeling like I almost hate her and then missing her so much already. Geez, I’m crying again. I so want to run away…

I think I need sleep more than anything. I always get emotional when I’m sleep deprived.

Weird… I just logged onto ff.net, and discovered that someone put me as their favorite author. Their pen name? Julia: It’s All a Dream. I wonder if it’s a sign.

Had to share:

This is a picture of my lovely class, all of us future doctors, can you believe that? Brownie points if you can pick me out!! My best friend, Chris is in the middle, three rows up from the girl in the yellow-n-blue turban. He’s blond (surrounded by a bunch of blonds, so that doesn’t help) dressed in black, directly behind a tall guy in a white sweatshirt.

Med Class

Check here and see if you were right:

Me Cheat

One week of classes left. Then a week of comprenhensive finals and then… I’m done… Done with the classroom work. Never again to listen to hours of lecture of the partial pressures of carbon dioxide… I’m feeling rather frightened that these two years are almost over. Excitement hasn’t hit yet, mostly because the next few weeks look so daunting. So much to do and I’m so burned out that I have very little that’s flaming my desire for more studying.

Catch up with me:

Getting to the end of school. One more month to go, and I’m starting to feel the pressure. I have year-long cumulative finals in three weeks. I haven’t even started studying. I have no idea how to review a year’s worth of material… not to mention two complete years worth for the boards. June 25th. Day of Reckoning.

I’m feeling better about some things though. The past two weeks, I learned (again) how to do a complete physical exam and interview patients, etc. We visited patients in the hospital and talked to them, and learned how to present to the residents and attendings… And for the first time, third year doesn’t seem quite so daunting. I just might be about to do it.

My roommate of five years told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to move out. She came home yesterday with ad postings. I almost started crying. Our schedules are going to be night/day opposites and we share a room, so things will probably get difficult sleep-wise. I understand, and yet, I feel like I haven’t been able to breath deeply since I found out. She’s been one of my best friends for 7 years, and I can’t imagine not coming home and sitting on the couch and telling her about my day… We’ve been drifting apart recently, and I’m not sure how to fix it. Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in January and she only told me a few weeks ago…when we used to stay up until 3 in the morning telling each other everything. Now she sits on the couch playing computer games, and I come home late and write on my computer in our room…

It’s cause a great deal of reflection. Remembering our crazy dorm years. Half of the stories I can’t even relate, because they are so weird that nobody would understand why I laugh hysterically. We’ve grown up since then. All of my dorm friends (we call ourselves the Plethora), besides my roommate Liz, are married. Half have kids. We try to pretend that adulthood hasn’t crept up on us, but we didn’t used to stop the parties at 9 because the kids have to sleep.

I was reading over my journals and realized that it was a year ago, when I was writing about finally making friends in medical school, beyond just the superficial. It was a year ago that I formed a study group with Chris and Candice, then Steve joined us a few weeks later… For one summer, they were all my friends. Candice and Steve read Harry Potter aloud to me while I recovered from surgery. Chris emailed me from Europe, cheering me up when everything got me down. A beautiful summer… and then fall came. I was trying to be the support between everyone, and all I could do was watch everything crumble around me. And now, all who remains is Chris. Granted, I’ve gotten one of the best friends that I could ask for out of him, but I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I’m not worth it.

Sheesh, all I ever do is post the depressing messages here. I’m honestly not a depressed person… I’m happy with my life, I really am…. I just need use this to vent, I guess.

On a much happier note: Like Never Before, chapter 8. Finishing off those last few sentences was the best feeling in the world. Not sure if I’m entirely satisfied, and as always, I appreciate the input.

I know I’m horribly behind on commenting to people (mrschimpf, I think I left our conversation hanging in the air!) and worse, I owe about four billion reviews to bjorks_defender, _starsinhereyes and _flutter for their incredible GG stories that have taken my breath away. And shirerain I know I owe you a review, but I need time to reread over your last chapter, I was in such a hurry the first time that I didn’t get a proper chance to muse over it. But I will get to it all!

And the best news of all: Jess is back. Enough said. 🙂

So glad it’s Friday.

Yesterday was so unbelievably awful that I didn’t think today would ever come. Had finals yesterday, for the Nephrology block… So glad it’s over. I think I did really poorly.

Chris and I got in a fight right before the test–we were arguing about how to do an equation (I know, stupid), and I couldn’t see where he was coming from and we had already studied for three hours that morning… Nerves were frayed by that point, and after arguing whether milliliters or deciliters were bigger (yes, I know, stupid–and I was the one who was wrong, lol!) he finally just got up and, well, stomped off. I hate, hate, hate, hate fighting. I do just about anything to avoid confrontations, and I was so afraid that I had lost yet another friend that it made me sick. Needless to say, it took me a while before I was even able to read the questions clearly.

The test was brutal, too… I know I failed the physiology portion, there were questions that I had never even heard of the concepts. We’ll see about the organ system itself… And joy, I get to look forward to restudying this all in two months for the boards. Bliss!

Afterwards, I waited for Chris and, just with a look, everything was okay again, no apologies necessary. Neither of us are the kind who keep grudges. And, the way he acted, was exactly how I react too, so there weren’t any hard feelings.

One good thing: went swing dancing last night. I used to dance all the time, when I was a freshman/sophomore. I haven’t been for at least two years now… man, I’ve forgotten so much! I remembered the basic and not much else… I tried to do the basic for the Lindyhop or West Coast Swing (my favorite) and I couldn’t. I’ve completely forgotten how to follow a lead and I actually tripped on my own feet. I never was very good, not one of those that you looked at with envy at their gracefulness and poise, but I wasn’t that bad either.

There was a guy there who reminded me of my old dancing partner/friend/crush, Oliver. The way he moved was Oliver incarnate–the way he held his head, closed his eyes, moved his partner. It was rather eery. But why did I get a surge of something unpleasant, when my roommate Liz noted it and explained to the girl we went with that “James (the dancing boy) reminded me of an ex-boyfriend.” Vengeful!Me responded in my head: One kiss, one date does not boyfriend make.

Gah! Four years later, after I’ve completely exorcized all romantic attachments/thoughts/feelings to Oliver, — after I decided that he was just a friend and I was happy with that and then he completely abandoned our friendship — and I still feel like I’m in competition with her. I thought those demons were long dead.

I actually met a few guys, one or two with potential. Most conversations:

Guy: So, have you been here before?
Me: Yeah, I used to come all the time, but it’s been about four years.
Guy: Four years. That’s a long time.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me to be. Conversation is dead.)

Guy #2: So, are you going to school?
Me: Um, yeah, I’m in med school.
Guy #2: Med school, that’s really hard.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me and how brilliant I must be. Conversation dies.)

🙂 🙂 🙂 At least guy #2 didn’t say, “you must be so smart.” Or I would have stomped on his foot.

Ah, but I do so love to dance! I learned how to shag last night… Er… yes, name of a dance move…you hop on one foot, then the other… I swear!

Oh! And happy news! I’ve a semi-blind date this weekend to look forward to… Melissa (Chris’s girlfriend, who I absolutely adore and a first year) is setting me up with another first year. I’m excited. I won’t mention how long it’s been since my last date, but it’ll be a refreshing change. I know who he is by sight, but should I be concerned that Melissa describes him as a “jolly, like the Jolly Green Giant”? Jolly just isn’t a good descriptor for anyone.

I wonder how she described me to him….

I think the bad mood that’s been going around is contagious. I’m avoiding all of my sad emotional songs right now, because I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep from howling.

I’m tired. I’m weary, sick of school already. I’ve pretty much decided that I don’t like nephrology–it’s boring and all of their pictures of kidney biopsies look exactly the same. Nope, urology is not for me.

I once again slept very little last night–it has been so cold in my apartment that my feet are icicles and I can’t fall asleep until they’ve warmed up. And the lack of sleep really caught up today. I arrived to class and within about ten minutes, I was sick to my stomach. I fell asleep, using my friend Steve as a pillow, barely listening to lecture. I left after that hour, went to the quiet lounge and crawled onto the very soft and comfortable leather couches and slept for the next two hours. Some kind soul turned off the light–bad idea. Every time somebody would come in, they’d turn on the light, see me, gasp and turn it hurriedly off. On, off, flickering beneath my eyelids… Finally, I just told someone to leave it on, and I fell asleep.

I sleep hard on that sofa, deeply. It is incredibly conducive to sleep–I know; I have spent many hours on that sofa, pretending to study, but never give much of a fight when it claims me in its siren song.

I woke up in time to catch my last class… A waste of time, really. I’m so far behind and it’s only three days into the block. I haven’t done an ounce of study, and I’ve already missed around 7 hours of lecture, which I now have to read the notes for. (sigh). I haven’t wanted to study; part of me still wants it to be Christmas. I have so many projects that I want to at least make a good dent in, before I get swamped down with tests again.

And besides, Chris gets back on Sunday, and will want to hit the books hard then, to catch up on all that he missed, so what’s the point of doing it twice? He’s in Thailand right now, rock-climbing with his girlfriend and some other first years… Who goes on a vacation to go rock-climbing?? But, he tells me that he rode an elephant, so I guess they’re doing other things and, yeah, I’m kinda envious. I want to be gone on vacation right now…

I miss Chris. I miss seeing him in class and at least having some kind of buffer to get through the school days. We were grating on each other’s nerves by the end of the block, we had spent so much time in each other’s company, but that’s passed. Right now, I think I just miss everybody. My roommate is visiting family, the other one, my sister is working. And it’s lonely in my house since Sam left, there’s not any laughter and silliness… I want her to move back and just quit the stupid Army (hint, hint, if you’ve reading this again 🙂 ). I want everybody to move back: Sam, Brooke, Susan. I miss my friends.

I don’t understand why everybody has to grow up and leave.

Back to the code. Now that I’ve got the menu figured out, I have to design the billion other pages.

And I’m going to bed tonight by midnight!

Christmas break was lovely. It was a nice vacation. Besides the episode of the mouse (shudders–I had this waking dream this morning that our tub drain was blocked by a mouse that had gotten caught and freaked myself out… Yeah, I still have issues), it was nice to be home, just me and the ‘rents and not to think about school at all and work on things that I wanted to do. calm, verging on boring (except for the issue of aforementioned mouse and navigation bar adventure that I still haven’t figured out), not much happened. Just the way I like it.

Of course, all good things must end, they say… And it did. School started again today, nephrology (kidneys), so I had to listen to three lectures about their physiology and four more tomorrow (gee, I can’t wait!).

And I got my rotation schedule for next year. Here’s what my life is going to be like:

7/06-08/15 OB/Gyn
08/16-09/26 Internal Medicine
09/27-11/07 Surgery
11/08-11/21 Surgery Subspeciality (I’m hoping to do Neurosurgery)
11/22-12/19 Family Practice
12/20-01/02 Christmas break (for some reason there was a glitch and I was signed up for Financial Accounting here)
01/03-02/04 Break
02/14-03/27 Pediatrics
03/28-05/08 Psychiatry
05/09-06/19 Internal Medicine
06/20-07/03 Break

Exciting huh? I did pretty much get the schedule that I wanted, although right now, I’m really wondering what I was smoking. I really front-heavied the load–Ob/Gyn, Surgery and Internal Med are the hardest rotations, or so I’m told (and which I firmly believe…I’ve had nightmares about them and looking like a fool and breaking down because I’ve had no sleep. And I’m doing all three right after the other.

It pretty much guarantees that you’ll see very little of me from July to December. Actually make that May to December, since I have to study for the boards… And actually pass because I won’t have any other time to study. I guess that means I have about four months to finish LNB and my website, eh?

I only have two rotations with Chris, the first and the last. I was hoping for more. At least with him, I’d be able to laugh and have someone cover my back when I mess up, but it looks like I’m on my own. And now, I’ll rarely see him. How weird is that going to be?

But my spending three hours figuring out how to beat the lottery system must have worked, because both Chris and I got the schedules that we wanted, pretty much.. Of course, now I choose to doubt what I want…

Why am I doing this again? I seriously must be crazy.

Merry Christmas every one!

I’ve had a pretty good Christmas so far. Came home with my sisters (there are 3 of us). Since we graduated and moved out, Christmas has become more and more lax. We haven’t had a Christmas tree in three years. And while I still get presents from my parents, they haven’t been wrapped in years. This year, the sole decoration was a needlepointed pillow of a snow scene that my mom picked up at Walmart. Yeah. I think my parents are waiting for grandkids to get excited about the holidays again–they’ve got a wait yet, I think.

My sister gave me the Evanesence CD (finally), so I wonder what I’m listening to now?? 🙂 A lot of their songs start sounding the same, but wow, their lyrics are amazing. And I still get emotional listening to “My Immortal.” At least now, I don’t have to flip through radio stations in the hopes of catching it–I was getting really tired of all the cheesy Christmas songs. The worst of the all: “The Christmas Shoes.” Maybe it only plays here in Utah (if so, count your lucky stars), but I’ve never heard such a sacchrine, “manipulate your heart-strings” song. I told my sister that and made her change the station driving home, and now, I’ve been labeled Scrooge. It’s a badge I’ll proudly wear if it means that I never have to hear that song again.

Passed all of my classes, don’t know how. Sometimes I swear, I’m receiving the grades for the guy ahead of me in the alphabet. We start again on the 5th, not as much time off as I want, but I’ll have more off in March. When I get back, I’ll find out my rotation schedule for next year. Chris (my study partner and best friend) spent two days figuring out how the lottery system works and how to get the schedule that we want. I front-heavied everything, putting my hardest rotations, like surgery and ob-gyn at the front of the year, and then psych and peds later. I don’t know if that was wise, but I freak myself out just thinking about how hard next year is going to be, so I thought that maybe making it hard at the beginning, when I’m more motivated and they’ll be more lenant if you don’t know as much. I’m going to be such a little ignoramious… Only seven months more….

I’m heading to Arizona for the rest of Christmas break. Visiting family, spend a little time in the sun. It should be fun. I’m bringing along my writing notebook and hopefully, I’ll have a chapter to post on Like Never Before when I get back. I’ve got a whole collection of drabbles that I’ll be adding soon for GG, I’m excited. I did them around themes this time, and I’m experimenting with writing humorous ones–probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

It’s nice having absolutely nothing to do, and getting to do what I want… I wish it could be Christmas all the time.