I went out to dinner tonight with Chris. At a fancy restaurant. {everybody oohs}. In fact, it was so fancy that I:

A. Did my hair in curls. It looked slightly freakish, but with mousse and holding gel, I got it tamed to something resembling waves.

B. Put on makeup. An accomplishment.

C. Wore contacts. The late night stayups watching M*A*S*H and X-Files have not been nice to my eyes.

D. Pressed my dress pants. Okay, they were extremely wrinkly and I would have been mortified to step out of the house in them, but wow!

All in all, a rather amazing and different experience for me. It was fun, getting the opportunity to dress up. {everyone ahhhs at Pretty!Julia} Chris, gentleman that he was, helped me into my coat and held the door for me. He was not so gentlemanly that he offered to pay the whole bill, however. 😛

We had a great time, talking again about traveling and international experience and long term career goals and dating. I mentioned my current love interest, where he raised the valid point of “are you sure it’s dating that he’s not interested in, or not dating you?” which made me frown a bit and took me back. He didn’t mean it as a insult, I think, but I’m not sure that I really want to think about that.

I think he’s backing out on our Mexico trip. Well, not so much the trip as he would still be doing it, but me doing it with him. “I think it might become a family trip” was the proffered excuse. I’m hurt about it, I really am. I mean, geez, I knew it wasn’t going to be just me and him – we’d kill each other in two days and hello, do you think I want to have the fulltime job of distracting him from remembering that if things hadn’t gone badly, he would be getting MARRIED at that spot, on that day? I knew that it was his parents and brother and SIL going down and that it would be me hanging out with them and that was going to be cool–I like all of them from the few times that I’ve met them. It was going to be our last trip, our last hoorah. He leaves for Asia the day after my graduation, and I’ll be gone before he gets back. We’ve never travelled together, ever and I saw it as one of those “never again” opportunities that he’s always telling me to seize.

I just… I’ve been struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues recently, exacerbated by the fact that I’m bored and actually have time to think about these things, but I’m really not liking myself very much right now. And this just feels like another slap of rejection, a poorly veiled excuse where he really means “yeah, Julia, I just don’t want you there”. I’m feeling very vulnerable and knowing that I’m leaving–I get panicky that this is a great excuse for him to just slip out of my life. I was really looking forward to this trip. I thought he was too.

You would think that after all of this time, I would be getting used to rejection. I just hadn’t expected it from him.

There have been funny moments associated with all of this that I must share. But first a bit of a background.

Flashback to the first year of med school. The reason Chris and I became friends was because he was in a friendship with a classmate named Candice, who developed a crush on him and told him so, just about the time when he started dating Melissa. Obviously, he didn’t reciprocate the feelings (and told her that frankly), and she had problems dealing with it. One of the problems was that they were study partners, and after that Candice felt uncomfortable studying with just him. So, she befriended me, and clueless little me was dragged into the entire mess. I had NO idea what I was getting into, I was just gleeful that I finally had friends (that’s not to say I didn’t have buddies in med school and study partners, I just wasn’t particularly close to anybody until then).

Chris made me laugh, I amused him as well, and before long, we were friends. That friendship deepened over the summer over emails, (he was in Ghana and I was recuperating from surgery) while the friendship between him and Candice completely withered. Candice and I were good while he was away–she came over and read Harry Potter (#5) aloud to me because my eyes couldn’t focus properly after the surgery (due to the anesthesia), but when he came back…well, it got ugly fast. The next semester consisted of me trying to be the glue between the two of them, Candice’s jealousy over the time I spent with Chris, etc. etc. Ironically, she’s the one that introduced me to LJ (Vindictive!Me wants to give out her LJ so you can read the entire saga over there. But I won’t. Because I’m good that way–the higher road and all of that) and a comment that I made on a post was what completely destroyed whatever remained of our friendship, while Chris defended me gallantly and has been my best friend since.

Since then, I could count on my hands the number of words that we’ve exchanged–and there’s been even less said between her and Chris. Candice doesn’t acknowledge our presence at all. The first few months really hurt, but I haven’t really minded or even thought about it much since then. I’m comfortable with knowing that I tried everything within my power to make that friendship work, and she was a very negative influence in my life and if I had stuck by her, I would have gotten the worse end of the deal.

So. To the present. Through a very rapid gossip chain, she found out that the wedding was off. And she called him. To tell him that she was very sorry and that if he ever needed to talk, she would love to go out for coffee and just talk.

ROFL! Wow, she didn’t take much time to try to slip in for some rebound lovin’, did she! I started giggling hysterically during the story and have been unable to resist ribbing Chris about how unforgettable he is.

I should give her the benefit of the doubt, that she was just trying to be friendly and supportive with no ulterior motives, but after three years of not talking, did she honestly think that he would just open up to her?? And seriously, three years on a crush where the guy told you to your face that he wasn’t interested, is even masochistic by my standards! Sheesh, give it up!

Part of me, the not-so-forgiving side that I don’t usually show people, has been seething at her mere suggestion that he didn’t have anybody to confide in. Um, hello? What do you think I’ve been? *stabs* Die, fiend! Chris has assured me that if he does need to talk, he’ll be calling me and not Candice. Am much relieved. Very glad that I came back in time to save him from resorting to desperation. *grin*

I’m trying to avoid going to bed for just a while longer, so that I might sleep all night long, so hence another post. I think having a computer connection and being back to my lovely Flower iMac has made me a posting fiend. 🙂 Four whole posts in one day! I’m insane!

I’ve been rather introspective due to everything that has been happening. As first year medical students, we took a class called “Physical Diagnosis” (it’s the class that I helped teach this past December), where you learn to do a physical exam, but more importantly, you learn how to conduct an interview and how to talk to patients (which really uses different communication skills than just carrying on between two friends or acquaintances). One of the first lessons was how important physical touch and sympathy were to establishing the rapport and caring between the patient and doctor–that illness affects us all and to be able to show concern is the best way to develop the relationship. At the end of the week, we had to perform an interview with standardized patient. I still remember the patient I had — an older woman, coming in to get some sleeping pills, where I discovered that her husband had died only a few weeks previously. I remember sitting there, trying to think of something to say, wondering how you could comfort somebody with such an acute loss, and feeling like an absolute failure.

I’m not sure that it has gotten easier since then. I’ve gotten better at placing my hand on a knee, leaning forward, holding patients’ hands after they found out that they might have cancer or some other horrible diagnosis, but the right words to say still seem to stick in my mouth. “I’m sorry” seems trite (and half the time followed up with “it’s not your fault”, which aggravates me to the point of grinding teeth.) At least the sympathy, which felt so fake during the first year (oh yeah, they were ACTORS. It was fake), is real and sincere now, and I care very deeply about my patients and all of their problems, but it doesn’t change that uncomfortable feeling of intruding.

I think I’m worse with my friends. That’s not to say that I’m a fairweather friend who disappears with the first sign of trouble, but that I feel like an absolute idiot in trying to comfort. It’s strange too; everybody seems to know how to comfort me, but that might be because I’m pretty simple that way–hug me tight, let me cry and rant, and I’m good to go. Honestly, I think this is the one area where having a male friend is more difficult, because I communicate my sympathies and pain at their heartache through touch, and Chris is not a touchy kind of guy.

I’ve been trying to be the best friend I can be through all of this, but it’s been hard. I distracted him with two hours of looking at pictures (“Lions. And more lions. And look, another picture of lions.”) and discussion of his trip to Thailand and our trip to Mexico (!!! – I was worried when I suggested tagging along, but he seems as excited by the idea as I am. And it will be our last time together for who knows how long.), but the conversation still seemed to wind back to the unmentionable, and I felt so lost as to what to say. I feel so much for him, but I can never find the words for it.

So a question… what are some of the best methods/words that you’ve found to comfort a friend? And in times of personal loss, what are some things that others have done/said that have made things if not better, then tolerable? I know that some of you have gone through incredibly hard times, and I’d really love some advice on how to be a better sympathizer and friend.

I cut my hair today and nobody even noticed. Not even Chris, the one person in my life who notices if I’m wearing new shoes.

Mom’s verdict: “Well, it’s like you usually do your hair.”

But it’s shorter (almost 3 inches, people!) and fluffy! I never have fluffy, upturned hair! *sigh* I so wanted to be admired, but no such luck.

Had my last “What to Expect in Kenya” meeting, where basically everybody freaked out because plans were being made without everybody’s knowledge and nobody knew how we were getting from Nairobi to Eldoret, or where we were staying in Nairobi, or how we were getting to where we were staying if we ever found out where (the circular arguments went on for quite some time). Right now, I’m just going with the flow and letting everybody else figure those details out, because it’s the one thing that I have no control over and it won’t just be me. (On the other hand, I’m starting to freak out that I haven’t gotten hostel arrangements yet for Amsterdam, because then it is going to be Just Me and haven’t never been to Europe before, I’m going to be quite clueless. But I have no idea how the bus system works and where I should be looking for housing options.) I did finally manage to get an appointment to get my shots–Wednesday afternoon, so that’s taken care of. And I got sunscreen, lotion and travel books, found my passport, plane tickets and Match list barcode sticker (all had been lost in my room), selected the final pictures for my yearbook page (including getting a new photo of Chris and me with my fluffy hair), so all in all it has been a productive day. I’m trying not to even think about the long list of stuff that still needs to be done.

And Chris bought me this awesome bag that’s basically one long strip of cloth that you zip to make a bag. Plus it has a really long strap, so I can sling it across my shoulders, just the way I like. My Guatemala bag that I used forever (it was bright yellow and brown, and yes I wore it with everything. I’ve been told that I have no fashion sense) was retired and I was so needing a tote bag, since I can’t really bring my “pickpocket-me-please!” purse. It just tickled me that he knew exactly what I needed. *hugs the Chris*

I’ve been posting a lot more frequently, now that I have a “following” with expectations that I update. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing. For example, the above? Would have been deleted and not have wasted anyone’s time.

It didn’t take me very long to completely convert back to my night owl routine. 🙂

So I have news.

I’m going to Kenya for a month in January!

I applied for this international rotation months ago, and didn’t it. There were 4 students picked, all of whom had had fantastic international experiences, and I was rather crushed when I didn’t get selected. I’ve been considering doing another international rotation, but that would have cost much much more money, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about going all by my lonesome to some random, 3rd world country.

Well, a couple of days ago, I got a call from the secretary organizing everything, stating that someone dropped out and there was a spot available and did I want it.

Suffice to say, I jumped on it.

I’m a little freaked out by the idea. I’ve been taking an international health class for the last eight (er, I only made it to six) weeks, where we’ve done nothing but talk about the nasty parasites, worms, fungi, viruses, etc. that you can contract at these foreign places. Almost made me swear off the idea entirely. *shudders* But I’m going to be brave and get all of my shots and bring lots of Cipro and just do it!

Ellie–I don’t know if you’ll be on at all today, but how would you feel about flying up to Kenya and maybe doing a safari type of thing for a few days? I’d be done with my stuff around the 11th of February and since we’d be on the same continent, it would be a fantastic time to meet. I have no idea how much it would cost or anything. I’m supposed to let the secretary know my plans by tomorrow night (she told me this afternoon. Sheesh), so that they can arrange tickets and everything. Will you be around to chat today? 2ish my time?

I start my interviews next week. I have been feeling nervous about them–more so about the dinner with the residents the next before, where I have to make charming, small talk with people I’ve never met before–until Chris’s comment today of “Everybody loves you, you’ll charm everybody.” Sometimes I forget why I keep him around–and then he reminds me. Why he has so much faith in me, I have no idea. Of course, this feeling of calm will probably only last until this weekend, but I’m enjoying it while I can. I have to go shopping for a suit tomorrow/Friday. Have completely outgrown (and not in the good way) the one I bought for medical school. Hopefully, this time, I’ll manage to remove all of the tags before the interview.

And I think that’s the quick and dirty update.

Arrr, maties, tis ye ol’ sea wench, hear to remind ye, that this day dar be “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, so ye scum bett’r be a’growlin’. Best ya smartly visit this here site and learn’d you Piratey lessons or risk bein’ a lubber.

🙂

Just an excuse to post really, but I’m so glad that I actually caught it this year!

Things are going better. With Chris’s help of connecting me to the right secretary (never underestimate the power of an excellent secretary) and much groveling, begging forgiveness and promising to not let my responsibilities slip again, I managed to salvage (I think) my letter of recommendation. I have a bad feeling that it won’t be so full of praise and gushings as it would have been a week ago, but I’m settling for what I can get. Hopefully, it’ll be enough.

I had an excellent weekend. Friday night was the annual All-School Picnic. Hard to believe that I’ve now attended my last picnic– I felt old there, the old model about to be phased out. I didn’t have any interest in meeting the first years, when in years past, I had a great time meeting new people. I did have an unexpected encounter with a particular crush, which, as always, occurred when I was not prepared for even the possibility, and therefore left me feeling awkward, unsocial, unattractive, and blah. And yes, since I am now in full denial mode and have imagined it away, we’re keeping it vague. But you can probably all figure out who anyway (and the picture below should have left no doubt!) Bah.

I spent much of the rest of the weekend with Chris. After not seeing him for more than about an hour for weeks, it was like old times and I just had a great time. I’ve really missed my friend. His life is more and more drifting away from mine–I found out that he’s moving in with his fiancee and future in-laws in a week, something that he neglected to tell me–and in just a few short months, we’re going to be thousands of miles apart. So we hung out with friends Friday night after the picnic (and managed to avoid talking about medicine for two and a half hours! A record!) and went shopping together at the outdoor store garage sale (I bought a tent! Whee!) and went to two movies on Saturday, Just Like Heaven (very cute. Sappy of course, and the medical parts of it made me groan, but I was a sucker for it) and An Unfinished Life (which would have been greatly improved by the absence of JLo. And Ellie shirerain: Your boy was in it! Of course he played the wife-beater villain and had a sneer on his face much of the time, but I can see a little why you like him. 🙂 Damian looks a little like Seth Green. Hopefully this will mean that there will be more pics around of him for you!). It was such a blast and just what I needed to recharge my batteries a little.

It’s my last week on Peds Neuro. I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids, but it has confirmed my decision that Peds is not for me. I love working with the kids (except when they’re 3 and stubborn and won’t touch your finger when you ask them too!), but the parents can be quite overwhelming (it’s funny how different people can get when they’re seeking medical help for their kids rather than themselves), and I’ve had some heartbreaking cases with some pretty sick kids. So it’s adults for me.

And lastly, your opinion… picture quiz!

I just managed to fall down a flight of stairs. In front of several gawking movie-goers who all were wondering how I did it. Especially since it seems to happen in slow motion, with Chris reaching out to grab me and me twisting around to save myself, thudding down the four hardly padded stairs.

Apparently, I can’t talk and walk at the same time. I’d better stay away from the bubble gum.

I hurt. My entire left side hurts from my shoulder to my ankle which I twisted badly. Tomorrow’s going to be fun getting around.

The Brothers Grimm by the way was a bizarre and crazy movie. Quite the adventure. 🙂

Night all. *limps off to bed*

“The deadline for application for PGY-II (Post-Graduate Year) beginning July 2007 is September 15, 2005.” September 15th. As in two weeks. I’ve got no personal statement, no letters, a skeleton of an application (I think I’ve got the equivalent of the ribs completed).

I’m so screwed.

This day has been one joy after another. The neurology dept. managed to mess up my schedule once again, in which I freaked out because as it stood, I would be spending two weeks shadowing a nurse around–number 1, I’m way beyond just shadowing. Give me some patients of my own! Number 2,a nurse ain’t going to be able to write that stellar letter of recommendation that I need so badly. I actually went and confronted them about it–no tears (yay!), but they’ve (sortof) fixed my schedule. I’ll be doing child neuro for the next two weeks, and then the last two weeks in the neuro critical care unit (basically an ICU for neuro issues) with an attending.

I did get most of the day off and have spent it looking at various programs that I may want to badger into accepting me–and then finding out that many of the programs have deadlines in two weeks. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Honestly, any more of these “setbacks” and “challenges” and I’m taking it for a sign and just dropping neuro. I’ll be very happy just doing internal medicine, thank you very much–and *they* seem very happy to help me out too.

I did get to see Chris for a few hours and commiserate. The poor boy is probably even busier than I. He’s actually taking the year off to do an Public Health Master’s as well as an MBA. Last week, he started both programs and was finishing a rotation in ER (that’s why you didn’t get to meet him, Donna!) and has more papers and reading and tests than we ever had to do in medical school–and that’s saying something. I don’t envy him. Well, except for his wonderful resume that he gets out of all of it. Between my schedule and his, the next time we see each other will probably be November–just in time for me to fly for the few interviews that I get.

Having Donna (donnazita) here this past weekend was awesome. We had such a lovely time, with great food, great conversation, great sightseeing. She’s even gotten me excited about the new Goblet of Fire movie, which I thought was an impossibility! I got to show her many of my favorite haunts–she was properly impressed by the wonderfulness that is our new City Library–seriously, folks, you should all come out and visit me just to see the incredible place. There were definitely a few places that we didn’t get it, which means that she must come back soon! It made me sad to think that I might be leaving this place in just a few months. I really love my city–it’s warm, friendly, and feels like home. But there’s a good part of me that feels like I need to get away. I’ve been here for college and now med school. The dating atmosphere leaves a lot lacking *snort* and I’d love to meet new people, be in a new environment. We’ll see. I guess I should just concentrate on getting that appy completed, eh?

Would anybody out there be willing to read my two personal statements this weekend? I just need lots of people looking over them, making sure there aren’t grammar errors and that all of the ideas flow well together. Believe me, it won’t be heavy on medical-ese; in fact one of them will have part that you’ve already read before from one of my journal entries. Pretty, pretty please?

Thanks to all of my wonderful flist for your support and caring. I love you guys. Really, truly.

I’m better. Sleep is a wonderful thing, as is resignation and realization. I studied harder for that test than I have all year long. I read up on every single one of my patients, on their diseases and how to treat them. I even relearned for the fifth time how to read EKGs and blood gases. I knew it–the basics, even crazy diseases. So I don’t know how 66% of everybody who took it did better than me, but it wasn’t for anything that I did.

And it’s just a grade right? *sigh*

I have to start applying for residencies this weekend–get my CV (curriculum vitae for those who don’t know–I didn’t until a few months ago) turned into the central processing place (oh joy), prepare my personal statement and get a list of three things that are “fantastic” about me to give to the Dean of the school, so that when she can write all kinds of wonderful things about me to send to the schools. Plus, I still have that research paper to work on, and I’m dog tending. So much for my holiday. Grr.

Went and saw War of the Worlds today. Hate contributing to opening weekend sales, especially after all of the Tommy fiascoes, but it was the one movie that Chris hadn’t seen and he owed me — that dog I’m housesitting? Yeah, he was supposed to take care of it, but he forgot and made plans to go to Jackson Hole. And did I mention that I’m not so fond of dogs?! The movie wasn’t so bad–properly intense in places and I was sitting on the head of my seat through a good portion of it. Melissa told me that sitting next to me with all of my gasps and freakouts made her more nervous than the movie did. The little kid’s screaming got very annoying very early on, and the ending felt rather abrupt and lackluster (although the explanation was cool). And Tom was rather flat… Sometime good, but eh.

Surgery rotation starts in four days. There are not words to describe how much I’m dreading this. I just about killed myself with two weeks! *pouts* So, I’ll definitely have to make some time for chatting on Sunday, because it’s going to be a long time before I get to do that.

It’s been one of those days/weeks. I got a parking ticket today. I was late for rounds this morning–rounds that I had to present at, and decided to risk parking in visitor parking, and got caught. *sigh* My wallet was already looking very pitiful….

It’s also been one of those weeks where I’ve been doing a lot of thinking–not a good combination with little sleep. But it’s something that I need to get down on paper, so *gestures*. Three things happened this weekend–and for being on call on Saturday and Sunday, and not one of them being work related, that’s pretty impressive–three things that started this rumination. I guess to have a better understanding, a little back history is needed.

The Plethora, Chris, and The Boy

Conversation with Chris walking home (yes, he made sick me walk to dinner, said it would clear out my lungs… and he accuses me of believing old wives tales!) from dinner tonight:

After seeing the husband of a classmate–“I didn’t know that many people knew about my engagement.”
“I have people coming up to me all the time, going ‘Did you know that your friend Chris is engaged’ and it’s all I can do to say, ‘yes, well, I really hope that I wasn’t finding out from you.'”
“You mean, you’re not acting upset that’s it’s not you, like all the stupid rumors?”
“Oo, I should do that next time! ‘What??? He didn’t propose to me!!'”
*With a big grin* “That’s a good one. I think Candice might finally hate me a little less now–I actually had a decent conversation with her.”
“I know. I saw her and we talked for a few minutes too–”
“–About rotations?”
“Yep. And then I saw her a day later in the halls and not even a smile.”
“It’s absolutely crazy. I mean, we were friends for a year and then all of a sudden, she can’t stand me.*continues rant and forgets that Julia was there for the whole saga and remembers it quite well*”
“I know. But hey, *slugs shoulder* you got a better deal with me, anyway.”
“Yeah, yeah, I did.”

It’s been so long since we had an actually conversation outside of how we studied for a particular rotation or how our residents were treating us. It’s almost … surprising to discover that he really does consider me his friend. We had such a great time tonight, despite my frequent cough and the two Kenyan students who are finally going home tomorrow and the looming tests of this Friday…

Taken from donnazita. It’s all her fault!

If you could say something to ten guys in your past, what would you say?

The guys in Julia’s life

I’m listening to every sappy song in my music collection. Including “I Know You by Heart” by Eva Cassidy and “The Merry Widow Waltz,” from my favoritest opera.

Why? Well, lean in closer and I’ll tell you a secret.

Chris just got back from Hong Kong and Japan. I’ve missed him so much–our schedules have been different for so long that I only see him once a week, if that, but not even being able to pick up the phone and call him when I was having an extremely bad day (and with my intern problems and the latest strings of disappointments, well, bad only begins to describe it), yeah that was tough.

He had a wonderful time–ate all kinds of exotic foods, saw the sights, and got engaged in front of a Buddhist temple outside of Hiroshima!

That’s right! My best friend proposed to his girlfriend of two years! No ring, but he did it because it just felt right. I’m unbelievably, fantabulously giddy about this. This is the guy, who two years ago, when he was just starting to date her (and just when we were starting to get to know each other) argued with me for a hour about how marriage was a ridiculous method that churches used to mess in the business of government, and that he couldn’t see himself wanting to be with the same person for 40 or 50 years. I’m so glad to see him change.

I had no idea he was planning on doing it (I don’t think that he knew it either!). I mean, I knew better than anybody how much he cared for her. The rest of my med school class might have thought he was dating me, but I was the one who saw how positively mushy he was with her. And he’s talked about waiting to do couples match for residency with her.. but you don’t have to be married for that.

But, now, I get to wheedle and beg to be the best man! How cool is that?

*giggle*

(BTW, this is exactly how he told me. I heard all about the different types of noodles he ate and the different japanese phrases he learned, before he slipped it in. I thought he was teasing me!)

Remember the Julia way back in April and May, who was so scared for third year that she more than once just considered quitting, debt or no debt?

I don’t even recognize her anymore.

There’s no doubt in my mind that this is where I’m supposed to be. Every day I’m reminded why I love medicine so much. It’s the best feeling in the world, knowing that yes, while I’m clumsy and still gawky, I love doing this, I can do this, and yes, other people believe that I can do it too.

I’m on internal medicine right now, which is basically taking care of ill patients in a hospital setting. As long as they’re not dying or we’re concerned that they could die (those people are in the ICUs), they come to us. Everything that I learned in class last year, yep, I’ve gotten a patient with it. I guess I should have studied glomerular nephritis a little harder, eh?

Just to give you a clue into the workings of the hospital (I had no idea before I started), I’m work with a team of another medical student (detour: I really miss working with Chris!), two interns (about two months post-med school graduates), a resident and one of three attending physicians (licensed, qualified phyisican) that rotate every week or so, The attendings are hospitalists, which means he basically admits and takes care of any one sick in the hospital who’s not needing surgery and those patients get passed down to us.

The first week was dull. Really dull. Our team hardly admitted anyone, I sat around a lot, clueless as to what exactly I was supposed to be doing and just feeling like I was wasting my time. But slowly, the patients starting trickling in and I started getting more involved with their care, and it’s been fabulous since then. I’ve had more than one patient actually think that I was their doctor… of course, I straightened that out really quickly, but it was a nice feeling to think that others thought I was competent enough.

And the last couple of days, I’ve taken on enough responsibility that I’m functioning as an mini-intern. I’m deciding the plan of actions and ordering tests (all of this discussed at great length with the attending of course!) and I’m admitting patients and doing their history and physical, then making sure that everything is arranged for their discharge when that happens. I think my interns and residents like me, and my attending told me that I was doing a great job… I seriously danced around my car after that.

I didn’t mention that my attending is hot, did I? The kind of geeky athletic hotness that wows me every time. I seriously doubt that he’s a day over 30 (yes, that my friends, is still young to me!) and looks younger. Of course, he sort of has a girlfriend, but that’s so easily forgettable. Me likes eye candy. Hence part of the reason for the dancing.

Chris is on psych right now and having a terrible time. His resident is a pain and apparently has depression, and he really hates the “medicate them up!” attitude–his parents are both psychologists with thriving therapy practices, so I think he has seriousy misgivings about the overuse of antipsychotic drugs. I think he’s found one specialty to completely cut off the list! I only get to see him about one a week, but we talk every couple of days, so it’s not too bad.

Not much else going on with me. I tried really really really hard to get LNB finished before you headed off to college, Marissa, but it didn’t work. Maybe a Christmas present?

Wow, actually a happy post from Julia, with no blubbering? Amazing! Folks, this is a once in a lifetime occurrence here!

I think I’ve lost the ability to breath.

Erik’s engaged.

Even writing the words hurts more than it should, and I can’t look at them again. I’m just sitting here, blinded by my eternal patheticness.

I don’t know even how to explain how I feel. I shouldn’t feel so strongly. I haven’t seen him for two years and I haven’t been in love with him for a while now. I finally grew past that. I’m not good at letting go, but Erik I’ve never wanted to let go, not completely.

He was my first crush, my first love. I fell for him in the eighth grade because he went to Norway and came back and had all of these exciting stories. He was cute, he was funny, he was super nice to me, treated me as a friend, and I adored him. I knew his strengths, his weaknesses and I loved everything about him. I truly did. Everyone I’ve ever met has been compared to him and has fallen short. I’ve nursed so many fantasies that I knew were pathetic but I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t know him anymore, it’s true… Our lives have diverged and I don’t know if he laughs the same way anymore. But the thing was, he doesn’t know me either, and I’m so different from how I was in high school. I guess a part of me has just always hoped that one day, one day, things would finally align and he would finally see me. That although we had diverged and changed since high school, it would really be what brought us together. I’ve always felt, deep inside and I’ve never been able to get rid of it, that he was “the one.” And when he didn’t get married, when he didn’t date anyone, I saw that as confirmation.

And now he’ll be married in a month.

Part of me is angry too, that once again, love has passed me by, and I am still alone. He’s getting married and he still lives in my home town where there is nobody and yet, he’s managed to find someone. And I can’t even get a casual date.

It’s just adding to this feeling that I’ve been drowning in recently. I haven’t talked for three months to the woman I’ve considered my best friend of seven years. She and her husband came to visit family over the Fourth of July and she didn’t even called me. I’ve called her several times and she’s never returned my phone calls. How do I not take that personally? My friendship with Liz has turned so superficial since she moved out. And Chris… we’re going to be on completely different rotations starting tomorrow for the entire year. How long is it going to take before he’s a mere shadow in my life? I’m scared that I’m losing everybody, that everything that I’ve loved is just delusion. That everything that I’ve felt has just been me, and that people were just putting up with me until they could find an excuse to leave.

I hate feeling pathetic.

Wow, once again, long no update from me. Tsk tsk.

And even though it’s almost a month later…. thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your notes of congratulations about my boards. It’s been such an exhaustingly busy month that I only just realized that I never told you how much your words meant to me. You all had much more faith in my abilities and it was soul-enriching to have that faith confirmed. So *BIG HUGS* I love you all, I really do. Reading about your life and struggles and inspiration has made us friends… And there’s so much in my life, that II keep thinking of to share with you, and of course, I run out of time and don’t get to it, but please know how much you mean to me.

I just finished my rotation today, took the written final (contrary to my happy post eons ago, I still unfortunately have tests. Blah.) Yesterday, I had the practical and oral exam portion–which I thought that I blew. I knew the disease that they were quizzing me about, inside and out, but I never even mentioned the major (and only) treatment for the disease! I could have killed myself… But when I got my evaluation back today, the doctors didn’t even seem to notice! If I did well on the written (which, as always could have gone either way), I may have gotten honors. Honors! *shakes head in disbelief*

My evaluations from all of my residents basically said the same thing: I need to work on the confidence thing and take initiative… It sounds so simple, but it’s much harder to implement. I know it’s one of my weaknesses, but it’s hard to wipe away a lifetime of feeling insignificant, a part of the grey background.

Can you believe that it’s been six weeks already? The time (for the most part) flew by. The last part, the Gyn rotation was difficult. While I enjoyed the cases that I got to see and the patients that I followed on the floor (if they were admitted), it was physically hard on my body to the point that I could barely move at the end of a day. I knew that I hadn’t healed as well as I had hoped from my last surgery a year ago. I’ve had three surgeries on my right shoulder and each time it’s taken longer to get back function… I’ve got full range of motion but my strength is dismal, as I discovered when trying to hold back retractors for the surgeons for minutes and hours at end. And now, I’m starting to “feel” my other shoulder. The last CT scan showed that I had a tumor under the scapula on that side, and if I have to have surgery again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Yes, I survived Gyn, but I’ve also got 8 weeks of surgery coming up in a month and a half, where it will be the same thing–only longer and harder. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it–that that will be my limit and the stressing factor that sends me into the spiral of more surgeries…

Enough of that. It won’t do any good worrying about it. And I’ve fretted and worried enough already. No, I really am doing good. I loved my rotation so much that it’s really lit the passion again for all of this… Medicine is truly what I love, I’m in the right spot, and somehow I’ll make it through everything.

I was asked twice on rotations if I was pregnant. Yeah. Those were great days. I’d love to blame it on the scrubs–they fit everybody ill, but… So, now I gotta add weight loss to my to-do list. *sigh* 🙂

It was Chris’s birthday on Monday. His girlfriend threw him a surprise birthday party last Friday–I was in charge of transporting him to the condo… Much amusement, especially when I had him put a towel over his head so he wouldn’t guess where we were going. The looks we got from other drivers had me in hysterical fits. It was fun. Met some of his old high school friends, which I always hate doing. I never feel more stupid than trying to make small talk with people. All of his buddies are these athletic, super smart, witty people… Seeing them, I still have no idea how Chris and I became friends… No, you think that it’s just my self-esteem issues coming out again, but really? We have so little in common sometimes, I can’t see how we got from point A to B.

Anyway, for his birthday, I made him a collage of some of his pictures from his travels and friends (trying to get on his computer and sneakily download his pics was a challenge!) and then finally, at the party got some pics of the two of us. We’ve been friends for over a year, and these are the first pics I’ve had of him And since I love sharing photos:
Chris and Julia, just click on the images. Some of them look pretty crappy–the flash only worked some of the time and I’m not clever enough with the photo editing programs to get them to look right. I’m the red-head, btw. 🙂 The one of him in Thailand is probably my favorite. It captured him perfectly when he’s trying to be charming.

And yep, that’s Melissa, his girlfriend of a year and a half now. She introduced me at the party as “Chris’s other girlfriend.” Melissa and I get along really well, I like her very much and I think she’s been fabulous for Chris, but when she says things like that, I’m never quite sure how to take it. Most of the time, she seems to be joking, taking it in stride, and then this trace of acid taints her voice and I wonder…

PS…. I heard through the rumor vines that Becka got a new job!!! Congratulations!!! I’m so excited for you. You need to give me details!

Just a quick note of hi before I head home for the weekend. I have (had) three whole days off, due to the 24th of July holiday. Sweeeeet! I’ve never loved my pioneer ancestors more.

Day off has been nice. Helped Chris move, cleaned my bathroom. Yep, nice and boring.

Have to run….

Pssst…. I passed my boards! 🙂