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29th May 2004

Another rant from Julia

posted in Uncategorized |

I’ve come to a realization this week. Perhaps it’s the deprivation of sleep, the sheer exhaustion of soul to the point where I can’t pretend and hide anymore. Or maybe, I’m just weary of being alone and it’s finally caught up with me.

I’m twenty-five years old. I’m no longer a teenager–although I’ve pretended to be one for the past seven years, since I didn’t really get to be one in high school. I don’t quite feel like an “adult” — I’m finished with college, true, but I don’t have a mortgage, minivan, job, husband and kids, or even a “store-bought-rather-than-picked-up-off-the-streets-for-free” couch, that I associate with real “adultness.” I’m still dependent on my parents, which is a blessing and a shackle at the same time.

My life feels stagnant right now (okay, that might be the effects of months of endless studying). But I feel like I’ve spent my whole life watching… watching while life embraces all of my friends and leaving me behind.

I’m the only one out of ALL of my friends who’s not in a relationship. Who’s never been in a relationship. I’ve only ever been on one second date (it should have stopped with the first). Never been kissed. Yada yada.

And for the most part, it hasn’t bothered me. I’ve got some of the greatest friends in the world, who do love me and have filled in a portion of that life. True, there was that time when within six months, I had 5 weddings–and every party I went to was stuffed with cuddly couples… That was rough, but I dealt. My philosophy has been that I’m happy with my life, and if there’s not a significant other in it, well, *shrugs shoulder*.

I don’t know what made this week different. But it is, and I can’t pretend anymore. At the risk of sounding pathetic and immature and whiny, I’m going to admit it (poor journal readers–I am way too honest!):

More than anything, more than a medical degree, I want to be in love. Really truly in love. Not just a crush… I’ve had enough of those to last me until the next lifetime. Someone to be in love with me… I’m a romantic, I admit it, and I guess I’ll find the support group and try to cure myself of this terminal disease, but it’s true. I want it all. Hand holding, little pecks of kisses, phone calls with no purpose other to hear their voice because it makes you smile. PDA’s. The kisses to the touch of the head and shoulders. Even the arguments that make you cold inside because you don’t know how to fix things with makeups with more kissing. Yeah, I want kissing. Lots and lots of kissing.

Tonight, I went to the end-of-it-all med school party, hung out with everybody and their sig. other, and I was truly jealous. Of every single one of them. I don’t understand it. I don’t. This thing called falling in love. How the two people can do it–at the same time–I just don’t get. It’s like there’s this grand secret and nobody’s telling me. What am I doing wrong?

So, now that I’ve admitted this… I don’t think it’s made it any easier. I can’t do anything to change–and somehow it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change for me. Oh, and wait–I hate change anyway! So now, I just feel pathetically lonely. I mean, I cried at Shrek 2 because they all ended up happy… can you get any more ridiculous?

(sigh)

I’m going to bed. As always, sleep has a tendency to make things better.

Oh, and thank you for all of the congrats–it made me happy!

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 29th, 2004 at 12:43 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

18 Comments


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    claidheamhmor@livejournal says:

    I can’t offer any advice or anything – best you can do is put your heart in places it can find love. – but have some {{{hugs}}}.


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://igbykat.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    igbykat@livejournal says:

    I’m terrible at advice, but… {{{{{hug}}}}} You’ll find someone. You’re sweet and funny and kind – I’m sure that there’s a perfect person out there for you.


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://mrschimpf.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    mrschimpf@livejournal says:

    I’m still searching for the One person who completes my life at 24, but strangely, I’m content as a single guy for now, you don’t have to feel outcast Julia. I’m surrounded by love, my boss, my sister (whose fiancee lives with her, me and my mom), lots of my cousins, and honestly, though I do want love, I want it away from this town. One day I’m going to get out and though I know it’s probably going to be a 99.followed by 1,000 nines chance that girl who falls for me is the real Liza ;), I’ll find someone one day. I’m sure you will too. Don’t think you sacrificed anything to concentrate everything on academics, because though you did miss out on what all those sex therapists call the prime, you’ll still find someone one day.

    I’ll admit it, I’ve been out on two dates in my life, and that was high school. I was more content as the ticket taker at the front door of the homecoming dance than I was on the dancefloor. Yes, I’ve had head-over-heels love so many times. But right now? Happy being a single guy. Being unattached is never anything to be ashamed of :).

    Oh, and psst…I cry at the end of sappy movies all the time. I even cried when my girl Diana was told she wasn’t good enough on Tuesday night’s AI ;).

    • admin says:

      I’m glad you’re happy Nate. You should be happy, ’cause at least from the little that I know you, you seem like an awesome person.

      I’ve been pretty content with my singlehood too. Really. I have a lot more freedom in my life than if I had a man–my life is my own to live how I want. I don’t need to clear things, I can get up and leave on vacation (or I could. 🙂 ) without a second thought. It’s nice and wonderful. And I’ve had some of the greatest friends in the world. But I guess now that I feel them slipping away a little more, it makes me long for the relationship part of things. And part of this rant was me realizing that–that as good as being single can be, I really do want the couple stuff.

      I’m getting better at the crying at movies–mostly because it makes me so miserable afterwards–raging migraines are not fun. But Shrek2, geez, I was getting teary at the very first scenes. *shakes head at own silliness*

      Hey, I’m still wanting to see a picture of you. You promised! :o)


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://bjorks_defender.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    bjorks_defender@livejournal says:

    Julia,

    This LJ entry scared me… b/c I could have written it myself. In fact, I practically did write it myself, on April 27th, in an email to my good friend Nancy.

    I can’t believe I’m doing this, but here it is:

    “I will try to put my suck-zone into words. Bear with me. Basically, I’m lost. When I was younger, I was under the impression that everything in your life was predetermined and all you had to do was live it. Junior high followed elementary, high school followed that, then college, a great job, a husband, pets, kids, happiness. Well, I don’t think I need to tell you that life doesn’t work that way, and it’s suddenly occurring to me that I have NO idea how to find the path for myself. It’s buried in so much foliage and debris that I can’t even see it. It’s like the Road Never Traveled. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to figure out what I want. I don’t know how to figure out how to get what I don’t know that I want. It’s frustrating. And I really think that I would be okay with my lack of direction if there was something else in my life to make up for it. More specifically, a him to make up for it. Now, I’ve never considered myself the type of girl who would be dependent on a man by any means, and I still don’t. But there’s something to be said for having someone love you. Or being able to look at a person and know he’s there and he cares. I don’t want someone to pay my bills or buy me things. I want someone to hold my hand while watching a movie. Or look at me across a crowded room and say without words exactly what I’m thinking. I want someone to tease me when I’m an idiot and love me for it. I want someone to tell me not to worry because I’ll figure everything out. And sure I have siblings and friends who can do some of that, but it’s just not the same. I want a romance. And every fanfic I write makes me want it more. LOL! But I don’t think it’s so much to ask. Evil people find love everyday. *sigh* Maybe that’s the key. I don’t know. But I have a feeling you understand what I’m talking about. Everything in my life is blah… and I just want one thing to be a little less so. Stagnation is my suck-zone, and it just keeps sucking.”

    I know exactly how you’re feeling. It sucks, and it’s unfair, and it doesn’t make any sense. And, if you’re anything like me, you start to doubt yourself: wonder if it’s the size of your nose… or your hips… or your feet. If you aren’t funny enough or smart enough or pretty enough. If you aren’t pretty at all. This crazy concept out there called love is constantly dangling on a thread, just out of my reach. And no matter how far I stretch, I never get any closer. Maybe it doesn’t even exist.

    The only solace I take is knowing that I’m not alone in my loneliness, if that makes any sense.

    And you should know that neither are you.

    *hug*

    Becka

    • admin says:

      Becka–

      Thank you so much for sharing that. It was everything that I’ve been thinking. Everything. For the past several months I’ve been fighting these feelings of worthlessness. Watching a friendship dissolve into nothing, feeling others starting to fade away, being stressed out because of school and it not being quite what I thought it was going to be–it’s taken a toll on me. And as you said, all I want is a him to make up for it–someone that I could depend on. Friends are great, but they’re not the same. As much as they care for me, there’s a level of comfort and security that they can’t provide.

      When I first started college and all of my friends around me dated and i didn’t, it bothered me a great deal. But I’ve looked back on that and realized that it probably was a good thing… I needed to grow as a person. I was so unsure of myself–I didn’t know how to make friends, how to be a friend. Being in a relationship before I even knew who I was could have been detremental. I get that. Now, I know I’m ready for it. And yet, there’s no romantic possibility with anyone…

      It doesn’t make any sense. I’ve seen pictures of you… Without sounding stalkerish or bizarre, you’re beautiful. And from what I’ve learned about you, from your journal and from your writings, you’ve got a personality to match. If I knew you in real life, you’d be one that I’d gravitate towards to try to become friends with. And yet, you’re single and I just don’t understand it.

      I have started doubting myself, as my past entries have attested. Half of the time, all I see are my faults–how awkward I am, how I’m overweight and have the face of a tomato (with hair to match). I probably would spend all of my times obsessing if he really like me, if I was in a relationship… maybe it is a good thing.

      I’m glad we’re on this road together. By the time we’re done, this “Road Not Travelled” is going to be paved and have benches on the side. 🙂

      *hug back*

      Julia


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://shirerain.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    shirerain@livejournal says:

    *GREAT BIG HUG*

    You know I know exactly what you mean and how you feel and that some days it really is too much and too hard and that all you want is for someone to love you. I know. And once again I wish that you were closer, so that I could take you out for a girls-night-out and we’ll have fun and talk into the early hours of the morning. But now, all I can offer are hugs and a willing ear if you need one.

    *HUGS*

    • admin says:

      Ellie, I love you, girl. I really do.

      One of these days (years), I’m going to somehow find myself on a plane and fly down to South Africa, just so we can have one of those chats. I am so looking forward to the day that we meet.

      I’ve been trying to write this email to you all week long. I finally found time to sit down and write it today, so pending doom and gloom, you should get it tonight. 🙂 BTW, do you have any chat programs? I’d love to try to hook up with you in real time. I have no idea what the time zone differences are between us, but I’m sure we could work out something. I’ll even wake up at five in the morning to talk to you!

      *HUG*


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        shirerain@livejournal says:

        I’ve been thinking that this weekend – that you should come and visit. That would be so much fun.

        Our time differences are workable – I’ve seen that with my RP-ing. My early morning is your late at night and my late at night is your early evening/late afternoon. My AIM is shirerain. *bounces* Talking to you would be great!

        Lots of love

        Ellie


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://educatedtvgeek.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    educatedtvgeek@livejournal says:

    I think every single girl knows what you’re going through to an extent. I can’t give any advice since I am one of the eternally single myself except it’ll get better. Guys are useless most of the time, I said MOST not ALL. He’s out there somewhere, there’s someone for everyone. Just be optimistic. Ok that was way too many cliches. 🙂

    PS Red Museum was on last night and it made me think of you.
    -Diana

    • admin says:

      lol! Thanks for the advice (even with the cliches ) I do feel better now. I’ve been single this long, I guess I can get used to a few more years or decades of it.

      *sigh* And it probably played here and I missed it yet again. I have been so X-Filely again, because of you. I dug out my tape of Pusher and pulled out my action figures and just had a good old night of reminiscing. I saw a tv guide cover that claim XF as the second top cult show. I was pretty proud. And every time I see you icon, I just get mushy all over again.

    • admin says:

      PS–did you see my moods? They’ve made paying for this journal thing so worth it!


  • Warning: file_get_contents(http://avidtvfan.livejournal.com/profile): failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 403 Forbidden in /home/lotrinkl/www/redheadsnippet/wp-content/plugins/also-lj-avatar/also-lj-avatar.php on line 118
    avidtvfan@livejournal says:

    :-/

    I’m 8 years younger than you, Julia, but I can tell you I know the feeling. It’s like you keep getting older and think “Oh, I’m still pretty young. It’ll happen soon.” And then it doesn’t. And you look around and you wonder why. And sometimes, people who you always thought would never find it are in relationships now, and here’s normal, nondescript you wondering what happened.

    I think today’s society makes us feel it’s not okay to be alone. And while I’m lonely sometimes and just feel like I need someone special in my life, I realize that this one thing missing doesn’t make my life not okay. We have things like Valentine’s Day and the eternal/constant mentions of that “ticking biological clock” and we’re told it’s not okay to be alone.

    But look at how many people said they feel the same way.

    • admin says:

      You summed it up pretty nicely. 🙂 I’ve felt better realizing that there are a lot of people out there who do feel the same way I do–no matter what age. I do partially blame it on society, and especially Utah culture, where you’re old and pathetic if you’re not married at 22 (okay, it’s not that bad). My grandmother has stopped asking me if I dating anyone because she’s pretty much lost hope. Most of the time I laugh at it–but just sometimes I struggle with the “what is wrong with me?!” doubts.

      You’re 8 years younger than me? Wow. I mean, I knew that I was older, but until I saw it on paper, I didn’t realize how much. I certainly don’t ever feel it! I swear, most times I just feel like I left high school only a few months ago… I love how the internet makes us all equals, really. Age differences don’t matter.


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        avidtvfan@livejournal says:

        Yeah, I can imagine you’re under a bit more social pressure. But the truth is, you took the alternate path by going to med school. There’s a reason. I know at least 7 people going off to BYU next year and I wouldn’t be surprised if half the girls didn’t graduate. That’s their choice.

        Probably my biggest criticism from my peers is that I don’t act my age. I.e, I try to act older. That’s not always a good thing. Truth is, I’m 2 at heart.


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          avidtvfan@livejournal says:

          Actually, I did the math wrong on that, Julia. I was thinking you had finished med school and were actually 26… There should actually be only 6 years between us.

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