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23rd April 2006


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I don’t think there’s a male creature on this earth right now that I don’t loathe.

Even claidheamhmor is not entirely exempt because the tea he and melancthe sent me hasn’t come yet. Okay, since he did send me the tea, which is a very nice and wonderful gesture, he’s excused from my wrath. 🙂 (*hugs Claymore* Sorry for the generalization!) But the mailman ain’t.

I’m tired. I’m tired of writing papers. I’m tired of getting blamed whenever something goes wrong. I’m tired of cold silences and angry sighs. I’m tired of lousy PC laptops that make me always look like the moron who breaks things and worse, delete most of what I’ve written. I’m tired of feeling like an idiot. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the week-old leftovers.

He’s just making me mad. I had forgotten how much we tend to grate on each other when we’re working day after day after day. Most of the time, it’s great–we do work well together, we do, and I would be royally screwed at this point without his help. But then there are other times… And I’m such a passive person in arguments that I can’t voice my explanations/disagreements and I just end up seething. I’m just torn right now–torn because in some way I need a break, we need a break, and yet… This is it. In two weeks, he’s gone. I don’t worry about losing my other friends, mostly because I know that the ties of the Plethora have stayed strong over 9 years and they just aren’t breaking. But I worry about him. I’ve never understood exactly why he was my friend to begin with, even after three years, I still wonder. And I can’t get over this fear that I’m going to leave for residency, he’s going to breath a big sigh of relief and that’s going to be it.

I’m freaking out about my surgery this week. I have no idea if I’ve made the right decision and have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to analyze it. I don’t know if it’s just going to make things worse, if I should just suck it up and deal with the pain, or if it really is as I felt earlier that it was something that needed to happen now before I got into residency.

I have to get back to my paper. It’s going to be yet another all nighter. *cries*

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