Well, I made an offer.

After much consideration and hashing out every issue with my dad and visiting both the little house and the condo that I was most interested in 3 times I made the decision to try for the house. It was such a hard decision, because there were pros and cons to each that seemed to equalize everything. The condo was a little newer (but still 40 years old) and taxes were better and the basement was more finished… but the HOA fee was much higher and it was further away and the carpets were old (and kinda smelly) and would probably need to be replaced. The house was older, but in good condition and the yard is small and manageable (at least it seems so now!), and was much closer to the hospital (not really walkable, but I can drive there in less than 10 minutes) and I liked the neighborhood better, and the resale value was better. In the end, it came down to the fact that I didn’t want to feel like I was living in a glorified apartment… and part of me really, really wanted a house that I could putter around a bit. I’ll probably feel differently once I have to mow every other week or when snow come (but the hours that I was going to be working, there’s no way that any association would have removed snow by then, so that’s almost moot), but by then I’m counting on myself finding a Luke to do all of the maintenance for me. Either that or a handsome albeit moody neighbor boy needing some cash with a pushy uncle. 😉

Of course, there’s no guarantee that they’re going to accept my offer. I’ve felt really good about my decision all evening…until now, as I get ready for bed and the paperwork is finished and all I’m left with is my thoughts and I’m a little freaked out. What if I’m not weighing things properly? How am I going to afford all of it any way? And so on. I’m trying to ignore that little whisper that I’ve made a mistake, because I really don’t think that I have…

P.S. Pictures are forthcoming. I just have to get them on this computer.

Buying a house is hard.

I really recommend never growing up. Certainly never getting a job and moving half-way across the country. Because that was the easy, cushy, wonderful life.

Am quite stressed out, because there are a million different variables that don’t compare to each other. I don’t know if I’ve found a place yet that I want to buy–there are a few that are tempting, but then I just get overwhelmed trying to decide.

Anybody out there have any perspective on the whole condo vs. traditional house argument?

So, per my suggestion, Chris has been keeping a travel blog, which has been great fun reading and “seeing” what he’s experiencing (Google has never gotten such a workout before!). Mind you, on his last trips, I was lucky to get an email a week–and most of those were 3 lines long, so this has been a nice change.

I emailed Chris early early Tuesday morning, he responded later that morning (there’s a 14 hour time difference), I wrote back and then have commented on virtual every one of his posts. Today I got this whiny email (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) about how everybody’s reading his blog and nobody’s writing him now. ROFL! I’ve turned my friend into a comment fiend!! He will never be able to escape the siren lure of the blogging world now!

****
On a side related note… he knows I keep a blog, and now that he has one, I know that I’m going to start getting some questions about it (or he’ll start searching for it, which is not hard to find if you know me well). Which is making me nervous. It was hard enough opening up my LJ to the Plethora, but that has actually been really nice–I love knowing that Michelle and AJ and sometimes Liz and whoever else that reads and hasn’t told me are keeping up to date with my life (although I still need to do better about writing emails to the Pleth–I’m horribly, unforgivably lazy about that). But opening it up to the person who’s been involved in half of the stories and who features prominently in the telling of those stories? Beyond scary. I have no idea how he would react–I don’t know how I’m going to react!

For now, I’ve decided that he’s too busy traveling and cavorting to locate my journal, so I can relax for a while… but I’ll have to make the decision before I move of whether I’m just going to give him the location…or go through and make everything friends only again (old stuff, new posts would still be mostly public).

****
Both Sam and Susan are in town, which had me giddy with anticipation all last week and I’ve barely seen either of them. Sus and I were to spend all day Friday and most of Thursday together, but something happened in Chicago and they cancelled all the flights on Thursday, so she didn’t come in until later on Friday. We hung out and went to a barbeque, but we didn’t really get a chance to do a good heart-to-heart chat that I’ve been longing for.

Sam, on the other hand, is in the area helping move her mom and as always, with every visit of hers, there’s been unexpected drama, this time involving her sister, which meant she left for Idaho much earlier than anticipated, and so I might be lucky to see her tomorrow afternoon as they pull the Uhaul out of town. *mourns*

Dear LJ

I am really, really getting tired of losing my pretty layout and settings. Sure it comes back eventually, but there’s a reason that I pay to have my pretty Anne picture as a header and the soft blues and greens that go so well together, because I like them better.

Fix it. I don’t care how. Or I will be making demands for repayment.

No love,
Julia

~*~

Dear CW network

You are morons. I hope you go bankrupted in two months. I will not be watching.

No love,
Julia

~*~

Dear Everwood

Can it be? You and I only have two more weeks together? *mourns* I shall miss you with your warm humor and delightful characters. However, may I offer one bit of advice? Perhaps if you didn’t have a cancer scare, a subdural hematoma that required surgical intervention (although injured!Bright was adorable), and a heart attack in one episode, we might be having a longer relationship together? Much as I love you, that was a little over the top. And I DON’T want to be crying at the finale, so everybody had better be alive and off to happy-ever-after-land, you got it?

Much love,
Julia

*****
From juno_magic:

Name ten of life’s simple pleasures that you like most (actually these will just be the 10 pleasures that strike me right now).

(I decided to forego the 6 facts about me, because I’ve been plugging away on the “100 random facts about me” meme that went around months ago and I don’t think I could come up with 106 different things about me!)

The simple pleasures (in good ol’ Late Show countdown fashion)

I did not want this day to come. I’ve been dreading it for three months, the looming black mark on May 22. And yet, even at 5 in the morning, it’s already come and gone without my consent.

I’m heartsick right now. But I did good, because I did not cry. Those have stayed behind numbed eyes until now.

Namárië, my dear, wonderful friend. Thank you for three years of love, support, friendship, kindness, laughs, tears, conversation, word games, Foosball, stair-climbing, emails, late night studies, dinners, hugs, and a million other gestures that could never be embodied in words but will always be cherished.

It’s official.

I am Dr. Julia D—, Julia D, M.D. I even have the diploma to prove it.

I’ll write more later and tell the stories. Right now, I’m way too tired to even think in full sentences.

But wow. I can’t believe that it’s happened.

Oh, the Comfort
The Inexpressible comfort of feeling
Safe with a person
Having neither to Weight Thoughts not Measure Words
But pouring them all right out
Just as they are
Certain that a faithful hand will take and
Sift them
And with a Breath of Kindness
Blow the rest Away

~Dinah M. Craik~

To get ready for the family invasion that will happen tomorrow, I’ve been trying to clean my apartment, which as always has turned into a massive project, since I’m trying to make it a “packing adventure” as well. It’s ugly and painful and I don’t know when I’m going to get it all done.

I’ve been going through all of my papers, which since I’m a pack rat is basically everything except for school notes since college–bills, bills, random reminders, med school orientation stuff. Most of it is junk (I’ve already filled three garbage bags of just paper), but there have been some forgotten gems that I’ve lingered over.

The best part is that I’ve discovered all of the letters and cards and wedding announcements sent to me over the years. Mission letters from AnnaJune, Michelle and Liz. Random letters that Sam would write when she was bored in her law school classes, decorated with whatever doodles came to her mind. The exchanges back and forth by Susan and I during church, written on whatever scraps of paper we could locate (we were so bad!). The emails between Chris and I on our different trips–he in Ghana, me in Guatemala, me in Africa. Cards and postcards for every occasion from Donna. The epistles (in every sense of the word) from Brooke, detailing in old-fashioned prose the adventures of her life.

When my best friend Susan got married four and a half years ago, I went through a similar period as what I’m feeling now. We had been best friends since starting college, and had been roommates for just a few months–the same time frame that she had been dating her future husband. That summer, our friendship suffered. I’ve never spent so much time in tears. Every evening, after everyone had gone to bed, I would sit on my porch and cry for my loss. I was feeling neglected and lonely and completely at loss as to how our friendship would survive. One day, about six weeks prior to the wedding, I came home discouraged, opened up the door to my room and found myself in a white cloud. Susan had taken all of her left over wedding invitations and had hung them up all over our room, so that they brushed my cheek and hair as I walked in. It was a cheesy gesture (I’m sure you’re all groaning), but it meant the world to me, to know that she truly loved me. Today, I found all of the invitations and the string that I had saved from that day, with scraps from her wedding dress, and those memories came flooding back.

It put last night into perspective. Because while I fret and worry and dread the upcoming changes, I am surrounded by people who love me, who have been my faithful friends for many a year, whose love and affection will be with me always. There will be people that tomorrow will be the last that I ever see them and that will be okay, but there will be many more who somehow will remain an indelible part of my life and whose warmth and love I will never forget.

When I get into the pits of despair again, as I am sure that although I am resolved now to remember and focus on the happiness in my life, I will likely sink into the “woe is me” attitude again, perhaps this will be reminder of how blessed I truly am.

I was going to write a very happy post about the joys of having your best friend come home three days early…

Of getting the chance to go to all of the “last time” places that you were going to miss because the best friend was gone…

Like Thai food. And Indian food. And today’s treat: real English afternoon tea, with sandwiches and scones and little chocolates (not to mention tea)…

Or the banquet tonight, held in honor of the graduates…

Where I was presented with an award for “distinguished service” (I apparently volunteered a lot. I guess all of those Saturday mornings were worth something)…

And the laughter and hugs with some very good friends that I’ve made in med school. Fellow classmates… spouses… single… married…

And the thought that I was one of the few who had become friends with all sorts of the “cliques” (yes, Virginia, they still exist in med school) and feeling quite good about that…

But I just got back from the “after banquet” party, and after sitting on the fringe, getting left out of conversation after conversation… and hearing hints (and blatant remarks) about parties and gatherings that I haven’t been invited too…

And feeling, once again, overwhelmed by the thought that this, all of this is ending and I’m leaving and I have to say goodbye…

That good feeling has dissipated, and I wish it would come back.

The paper, my friends, is finished. It wasn’t a pretty paper–I rambled too much towards the end to get it to the page requirements, but at this point, I don’t care. It’s done and that’s what’s important.

This means that I have successfully just completed medical school. I wish I had a functioning brain cell left to celebrate.

I have the introduction, methods, and results all done! And my abstract is half done, leaving me only that and the discussion to do! I just might be able to get this done tonight!!!

*sigh*

Paper is still not done.

Right now, it is 14 pages of mess. 6 pages are the “appendices” of the survey that I had already written (and don’t count), 2 pages are references (of which half will be cut out), one page is completely blank which for some reason won’t delete (why? I don’t understand. Nothing shows up abnormally in the “reveal codes” stuff). That leaves 5 pages… 3 are from a paper that I had to submit to administer the survey to human subjects (my fellow medical students) and in the wrong tense. The remaining are outline notes from my presentation. Not to mention the various notes concerning what the paper is supposed to be around that are inserted randomly.

And yet… this is an improvement. Everything’s organized in the way I want, most of that will fix with some editing (I hope), leaving me only the discussion part to tackle, which I’ve been trying to work on to no avail most of the day. I’ve discovered that I’ve misplaced several of the articles I had researched earlier. And I haven’t been able to track down some information that I desperately need to make the discussion stronger. So I’m stuck, and I can’t be, because there will be serious repercussions if I don’t get this submitted this weekend.

*sigh*

Can I just be pathetically woeful and state that I miss my study-buddy and friend? Stupid git gets to play in the warm sun and frolic in crystal beaches and I’m stuck here writing this endless dribble. And if his stupid fiancee hadn’t been so stupid (still kinda hate her. Am trying to improve on that), I’d be there now, enjoying a wedding reception and the beaches myself. *grumbles* But nooo, instead I’m lonely and writing a paper by myself without the pleasant distractions of our word games or laughter, or without his input that always seemed to light the muse so that I could finally get the words out that I needed to say.

If anybody’s up for a really, really, really bad editing job, let me know. It probably would qualify you as certifiably insane, but…

*sigh*

Is anybody else having problems with their journal layout? I’ve lost all of my customizations and styles, and have for some reason reverted back to the plain blue generator style. If I have to go back and figure all of that junk out again, I will not be happy.

Bah, it looks so blah.

I really need to get to bed. My paper? Did not get done. Between the extra long therapy session, waiting 45 minutes to get photocopies of pictures for my graduation announcements, waiting another 45 minutes at the doctor’s office to get my PPD read (which of course, I could tell it was negative, but until I get those little initials behind my name in one week, I can’t actually CERTIFY that it was negative–which also means, btw, that I did NOT catch TB in Africa so yay for me!), and the last med school party ever, well… it didn’t get done. *sigh* Which means, I’m going to have an extremely busy day tomorrow.

The party was a good time. Every year, we do a spring BBQ (the meat is well done, so I don’t think it qualifies as a brai) in the park. Every year, there are more and more children running around, being passed around. Our class has been very prolific. It was smaller in attendance this year though, which saddened me a little. I did get a chance to look at the $100 yearbook, which looked very nice with its fuzzy red cover. My parents bought a little ad for me, saying how proud they were of me, which I had not expected. I was a cute kid. 🙂 There weren’t any group pictures of me. At all. I hadn’t realized that I was so asocial during med school. Or so left out.

We’re stopping with that line of thought. It’s just depressing me.

One nice story… one of my classmates was asking about my surgery and mentioned that she almost came in on the case… and then continued to say that she had worked with my surgeon on some orthopedic cases and he had talked about me and “thought the world of [me]”. As I think the same of him, and have strived very hard to impress him and as he was half of the motivation of why I decided to become a physician, it was definitely one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. *hugs my doc*

And I’m out.

They’re charging me a $100 freaking dollars for my stupid yearbook. One Hundred Dollars!

I just spent over $100 dollars today on getting announcements!!! $65 dollars for my oh-so-beautiful gown and cap. And now this.

From an email, back in December “Finally, in order to decrease the final cost of the yearbook, we are selling ad space.” Um, folks, THIS AIN”T A DECREASED PRICE!!! I’ve done yearbooks before, the entire gamut. I’ve sat in darkened little rooms and mixed chemicals. I’ve sat underneath basketball rims to get the perfect shot. I’ve cropped and chopped and played with layouts until I was seeing square shapes in my dream. And I’ve gone out and begged for money to put in ads. All I know, is that it didn’t cost us this much for my entire high school, which was approximately the same size as my med school class.

ARGH!

****
On a side note. I did start watching the Gilmore Girls finale, but left for dinner with some friends. Anybody want to tell me what happens in the last 10-15 minutes? I think the last I saw was when Rory surprised Logan with the London party. I’m not sure that I really care, more for just idle curiousity.

***
Instead of working on my paper today (yes, I’m very very bad), I went through and updated/completed all of my tagging on my past entries. There’s still some cleanup that I need to do, entries that are still missing labels and I need to figure out someway to override the “tag” page (http://jcd1013.livejournal.com/tag) to make it more readable, but I haven’t figured out to do that. Hmm. I do feel somewhat accomplished though. Sorting through emails, now arranging LJ entries–go me!

I have therapy and a doctor’s appointment check tomorrow. I have to get them to sign a clean bill of health for residency. I should have done this a month ago, but oh well.

***
Word of the Day: assuage: to make less intense or severe, to pacify, to satisfy. Use it well, my friends, use it well.

Julia out.

I usually get emotional at series endings. I do. Years ago, I wept over “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” although I had seen maybe two eppys. They represent a change, a era of life that is now over–and I always get emotional at life changes (wow, you didn’t know that, did you?). We won’t even talk about the waterworks seen with the ending of X-Files. Voyager. Mad About You. Etc.

Many a tear was shed tonight… of utter joy and of utter horror. I mean, 7th Heaven? Ending not with one pregnancy, but three sets of twins, I just about gagged. And the whole flashback scenes or the dream “here’s how the wedding ends” dream sequences… *shudders*

I know I have several friends in LJ who like 7th Heaven… so I’ll stop now. But I am not going to miss that show. Not at all.

Everwood, however, was awesome. They so know how to handle human emotions and making them real, so even though I’m irrate at their actions, I still love the characters. Anyone heard if they’ve announced which shows they’re keeping next year?

I have to admit that I have a weakness for TLC shows. Like “Little People, Big World” or “What Not to Wear”. Or my newest favorite “Jamie Oliver Does School Lunch.” I’ve had such a crush on The Naked Chef… I think it’s the accent. And the fact that he cooks.

Started physical therapy today. I’ve been to these same therapists for the last 4 surgeries, so I’m kinda fond of them. They’re older women and very good. My therapist was impressed with all of the progress that I’ve made–although, I wish I had just a bit more movement. But that’s why we go to the therapist. That and the wonderful, massaging electrodes… Mmm. Sweet pain.

Nothing else to report really. I’m flying out to Milwaukee at the end of the month to look at places to live–whether I buy or not is still up in the air. But that’s all the excitement in this port. 🙂

ETA: I was just looking though some old emails and found the link to Chris and Melissa’s wedding site. It’s still up. The counter on the bottom says “Four days until the big day” and there are smiling pictures of the couple on every page. I haven’t seen Chris look that content for a long time. The tears in my eyes are real this time… It still sucks, you know?

I raised my arm above my head!

I washed my hair with both hands! (getting to shower was Thursday’s accomplishment)

I put on my contacts! (okay, I lost my glasses last night and can’t find them anywhere)

I wore a bra! (too much info, eh?)

And… I drove my car! (we’ll just avoid left-handed turns for a while)

Whee!

Had dinner with a couple of Chris’s friends tonight. He’s been staying with them since the big breakup and housesat while they were gone (it was their lumpy little couch that has made so many appearances in my recent entries). It was a rather quiet affair–everybody seemed to be exhausted, but it was nice being around people and getting out of the house. I’m tired of feeling like an invalid.

Chris leaves for Mexico tomorrow morning. It’s still just so unreal, that only three months ago, he was going to be getting married in a week. May 13th. And now he’s not. I still have their “save the date” magnet, they broke up right before the invitations were sent. It still makes me so sad at times, although I’m still royally pissed at her and can barely be tolerant when I see her. It’s a good thing. It really is, but oh, being there is going to be hard on him. I’m trying to think of clever little emails that will cheer him up, or distract him, but so far, I haven’t come up with anything.

Anyway, he’ll be gone for about 11 days. Home for 3 days for graduation (he’s going to walk with us! I just about squeed when he told me, and I try very hard not to *squee* in RL). And then off to Asia, and that will be the end of the Julia-n-Chris years.

But we’re not thinking about that now. Better to concentrate on the pile of paper work that I have to do for the new job and the paper I have to finish before I can graduate. It never ends, does it?

And the million dollar question… Do I really want it to?

I like this meme. And since I’ve added recently to my friends-list *waves to new friends*, there might be a lot that you don’t know about me.

How many times has someone on your friends list posted about something and you were really confused, but you didn’t want to ask because you knew you should know? How many times have you felt ‘guilty’ asking a close LJ friend a question that should be ‘obvious’?

If you’ve missed a few things, missed an entry and are confused, ask me anything. Even something extremely basic. I’m not allowed to get even slightly irritated at any of the questions — we’ve all missed things before.

Or wordage number 2:

“This is the problem with LJ, we all think we are close, but we know nothing about each other. To rectify this, I want you to ask something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.”

Ask away! I’m an open book (and really just want to waste time!)

Surgery was survived and a good time was had by all.

Well, not really. But it wasn’t too bad.

Surgery happened pretty much as planned. I arrived at 7 in my yellow pj bottoms and I was wheeled back for surgery around 9:20. They gave me Versed so I don’t remember anything that had happened after that (they had offered to give me Versed when I walked in, but I thought that losing that much of time would be worse than waiting), which I haven’t been able to decide if I like better or not. The last few minutes before being knocked out are always the worst–I get rather nervous as that fuzzy feeling spreads–but I missed having that last moment of confidence-building with my doctor, before I’m sent off to sleepy-land.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the afternoon (or big portions of the next several days). Chris was there when I woke up, before work and then back later that afternoon, Karin spent the day there, a couple of med school friends dropped by for a bit in the evening so I didn’t lack from attention. My hospital room? Was a suite. With a separate living room and tv/dvd, etc. It was huge and I hear it was awesome. I tried to watch Rent with Chris one night and ending up falling asleep ten minutes in it, but others enjoyed it. My nurses were great and lovely and I felt quite spoiled. I got flowers for the first time *squee*: Roses from Karin, a large bouquet from one of the sisters in the ward and some large, colorful, have-no-idea-what-kind from Chris with gummy bears and strawberries. 🙂 They were awesome and I can see how a girl would get quite used to the attention.

I was supposed to be in the hospital just overnight, but I felt quite sick and not ready to leave, so I ended up staying until Saturday. And no, it wasn’t just because I loved my room, although that contributed. My dad drove me home (hometown home) where I’ve been recooperating over the weekend, sleeping on the couch. I’ll head back tomorrow, to face the real world and complete all of my med school assignments (I got an extension, which considering that before today, I couldn’t even look at a computer screen for more than two minutes, is a very good thing) and my recovery has been good too–even right after surgery I had more movement than I did on my other shoulder. With therapy, I’ve been able to lift my arm to shoulder height, which is great and I’m weaning myself from the narcs too. 😀

Anyway, I’m getting tired, so I’m making this short. Just wanted to say hi and hug everybody who was thinking about me. Thanks guys! *hugs*