Boring post, but I’m freaking out!

Last week, avidtvfan (Marissa) posted that she had gotten infected with a virus that was propagating to her friends on AIM. I use a Mac, so the risk of me being infected was rather small, but you know, I’d been hearing rumors about some files starting to affect macs now that they’re becoming more popular and all of that… And my computer has been running slower than I remember, so I went looking around the internet, found reputable AntiVirus software (Sophos Antivirus for those who are curious)… Ran it, and it found two viruses and promptly deleted them! Yay!

Or no. Today, I open my mail program (Eudora), start downloading my mail and notice that one of my filters isn’t working–my school email is ending up in my Inbox rather than the handy dandy mailbox I’ve created. I go to hand move it–and discover that the entire mailbox is gone. Poof. It’s not anywhere on my hard drive. Um, this is three entire years of email communication. Lot of it junk, but there were also pictures from my classmates and their kids or emails that Chris and I exchanged while he was in Ghana.

Or most important: registration information and PASSWORDS for all of my residency applications. Gone. Just like that.

I checked the log and sure enough: Virus: ‘W32/Bagle-HTML’ detected in Julia Durrant:Users:jcd1013:Documents:Eudora Folder:Mail Folder:ms2006/Content/Embed0004/ReScan/Content
Deleted infected file

See that “Documents:Eudora Folder: Mail Folder:ms2006” bit?–yeah it deleted the entire folder. My preferences (as I have since discovered) are sent to be automatically deleted. And it ain’t in my trashcan.

Peachy. Just peachy.

Any Mac users (or computer whizzes) out there who might have an idea of how I might retrieve my files? Anyone? Bueller?

ETA: After talking with my dad (he’s my personal computer guru) and searching around apple.com and discovering that I could spend over a hundred dollars (!!!) on software and probably not get anything back and “next time you should make a backup of your mail” it hit me. Back up. I made a backup of my mail sometime ago. Pulled out my CD–Nov. 2004. Then I went and looked on my school’s email program–and my messages from November 2004 and onward were present. So I didn’t lose my mail. I’ve made it more difficult for me to find a message, but it’s all there. I think. *wipes brow*

Thanks for all of the advice, my beloved flist! It really helped me know where to even start looking. *BIG GIGANTIC HUGS*

Things to complete before Sept. 15th:

–Personal statement, version #3
—Email Dr. Digre, neurology lady and beg for letter
—Email Dr. Hale, internal med doc and beg for letter
–Talk to Dr. Bale (current neurology attending) about letter, no begging needed (I think)
–Create form letter to email neurology program coordinators
–Email said program coordinators and inform them that I wish to pursue neuro/med residencies and would they be willing to create such a program? Ask to get in touch with program directors–this must be done this weekend!
–Transfer all CV information to annoying forms
–Get official college transcript
–Get medical school transcript (not sure if they’ll be diff’t)
–Get USMLE Step I scores

Deadline for everything to be turned in: Ideal: Sept. 26th. No later than: Oct. 1

I just discovered that my school’s email program allows you to see when a person reads your email. My stomach just dropped. Am extremely nervous now.

ETA: Dr. D said yes! Whoops! Hopefully her letter will be a little more positive than her evaluation! Two more to go!

Dear Santa Claus,

I do hope you’re doing well. I was a little bit worried because I hadn’t heard any response from my letter last January (exactly 9 months ago), but bjorks_defender assured me that I probably caught you on your much needed vacation in the Caribbean, and that it probably got lost in the post-Christmas complaints. So I thought I’d better check in, and see how you and the elves were doing with creating me that boyfriend.

I have to admit, I’ve been a little bit disappointed. Right after I wrote you, Matt took center stage in my awareness, and I was certain that you were moulding him for me. He seemed exactly like my specifications–you even gave him intense blue eyes that sparkled when he look at me, just me! But disappointment followed disappointment, and before I realized it, another girl had claimed him as her present. I don’t know what she bribed you with (I gave you cheese! That’s what the commercial said you liked best!), but Santa, I expected better than that from you. I don’t want to hear that she was just breaking him in for me and that he’s free now–I’m not sure that I’m desperate for hand-me-downs.

But perhaps I’m being to hasty in judgment. Perhaps, you have been working hard with your little elves in Santa’s Workshop and are not ready to reveal him until he’s perfect. If that’s the case, I’ll be patient and wait until Christmas. Maybe. Going to God is seeming like a good alternative right now.

In any case, we do have a deadline coming up. Remember, there’s only 3 and a half months before Christmas–I won’t be very understanding if he’s late.

Lots of love,

Julia

I just managed to fall down a flight of stairs. In front of several gawking movie-goers who all were wondering how I did it. Especially since it seems to happen in slow motion, with Chris reaching out to grab me and me twisting around to save myself, thudding down the four hardly padded stairs.

Apparently, I can’t talk and walk at the same time. I’d better stay away from the bubble gum.

I hurt. My entire left side hurts from my shoulder to my ankle which I twisted badly. Tomorrow’s going to be fun getting around.

The Brothers Grimm by the way was a bizarre and crazy movie. Quite the adventure. 🙂

Night all. *limps off to bed*

“The deadline for application for PGY-II (Post-Graduate Year) beginning July 2007 is September 15, 2005.” September 15th. As in two weeks. I’ve got no personal statement, no letters, a skeleton of an application (I think I’ve got the equivalent of the ribs completed).

I’m so screwed.

This day has been one joy after another. The neurology dept. managed to mess up my schedule once again, in which I freaked out because as it stood, I would be spending two weeks shadowing a nurse around–number 1, I’m way beyond just shadowing. Give me some patients of my own! Number 2,a nurse ain’t going to be able to write that stellar letter of recommendation that I need so badly. I actually went and confronted them about it–no tears (yay!), but they’ve (sortof) fixed my schedule. I’ll be doing child neuro for the next two weeks, and then the last two weeks in the neuro critical care unit (basically an ICU for neuro issues) with an attending.

I did get most of the day off and have spent it looking at various programs that I may want to badger into accepting me–and then finding out that many of the programs have deadlines in two weeks. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Honestly, any more of these “setbacks” and “challenges” and I’m taking it for a sign and just dropping neuro. I’ll be very happy just doing internal medicine, thank you very much–and *they* seem very happy to help me out too.

I did get to see Chris for a few hours and commiserate. The poor boy is probably even busier than I. He’s actually taking the year off to do an Public Health Master’s as well as an MBA. Last week, he started both programs and was finishing a rotation in ER (that’s why you didn’t get to meet him, Donna!) and has more papers and reading and tests than we ever had to do in medical school–and that’s saying something. I don’t envy him. Well, except for his wonderful resume that he gets out of all of it. Between my schedule and his, the next time we see each other will probably be November–just in time for me to fly for the few interviews that I get.

Having Donna (donnazita) here this past weekend was awesome. We had such a lovely time, with great food, great conversation, great sightseeing. She’s even gotten me excited about the new Goblet of Fire movie, which I thought was an impossibility! I got to show her many of my favorite haunts–she was properly impressed by the wonderfulness that is our new City Library–seriously, folks, you should all come out and visit me just to see the incredible place. There were definitely a few places that we didn’t get it, which means that she must come back soon! It made me sad to think that I might be leaving this place in just a few months. I really love my city–it’s warm, friendly, and feels like home. But there’s a good part of me that feels like I need to get away. I’ve been here for college and now med school. The dating atmosphere leaves a lot lacking *snort* and I’d love to meet new people, be in a new environment. We’ll see. I guess I should just concentrate on getting that appy completed, eh?

Would anybody out there be willing to read my two personal statements this weekend? I just need lots of people looking over them, making sure there aren’t grammar errors and that all of the ideas flow well together. Believe me, it won’t be heavy on medical-ese; in fact one of them will have part that you’ve already read before from one of my journal entries. Pretty, pretty please?

There was a reason that God made me short (besides the fact that both my parents are short and genetics and all of that). It was to prevent me from going up to very cute guys and just planting one on them!

Because, lemme tell you, if I had had those two or three extra inches, there would have been nothing to prevent me from leaning over and kissing Matt the First very attractive, thin lips. Nothing. However, since I knew that I’d have to lean over on tiptoes (and would most likely tip over), I reigned the urges in.

The boy is still gorgeous. And I’m still pouting mad that absolutely nothing came of all the flirting. I mean, that boy had my best efforts just given to him!

Ah, well. I kissed that crush goodbye a while ago–figuratively, only. *pout*

Went up to the school today to talk to the neurology folks about what I’ll be doing on Monday, since I still haven’t heard anything (they didn’t even know that I was registered for the rotation until Monday. I had to go up and show them how to flip a sheet of paper over. Nice.). And they were all out of the office. It was 2:45 in the afternoon. You would think that since they hardly ever get anybody applying to neurology that they’d be working overtime to make sure that things were smooth sailing. *snort* Yeah, just not feeling the love. I’ve definitely started to wonder if it really is worth all of the effort doing the combo program (Internal Med and Neuro) when Int. Med. will probably provide me with whatever I need in my career and I like it.

The new Health Science Center is completed, and I took a quick tour around there. It’s the new education building for the medical, pharmacy and dental students. Wow, I’m very impressed. Lots of windows and big cosy couches–perfect for the afternoon nap–er, studying, I mean. I wish it had been completed earlier. It’s so weird to think that I am now a fourth year and will be done with all of this in less than a year.

And donnazita comes to see me tomorrow! I’m so excited!

Apparently President Bush was in my city today, speaking only a few blocks from my house. And I didn’t even know about it. Not one of my friends mentioned it. And I sure didn’t notice any commotion in the streets to warn me that something a little more unusual was happening around here.

Wow. I hadn’t realized that I was so news-starved or clueless.

Huh.

Write-a-thon: (GG)ggminorficathon. Dozens of “minor” characters with the central theme of “I’ve Got a Secret” to write about. I feel rusty with my skills in any type of writing, but GG especially, but the minor characters have been the reason that I’ve continued watching the show. I’ve volunteered to do Brad (who else?) but there are still so many available–including Jess, Paris and Tristan for the major minors and just about every townie. Go little lemmings! Join!

Video: (LOTR) http://www.angelfire.com/rings/theglory/. Somebody made an icon set inspired by this video and I tracked it down, thinking I’d download it, watch it, and then promptly trash it. It’s now found a permanent residence on my hard drive. I haven’t cried so much since seeing ROTK in the theaters. Very moving and hits precisely on the many reasons why I love Lord of the Rings so much.

Exciting (albeit belated) news: (LOTR) Ringers: Lord of the Fans will be released on DVD in November! Now maybe I’ll finally get my hands on the fabulous remake of “Where there’s a whip” by World Without Sundays.

November is such a fine, pretty month, don’t you think? 😀

And Becka bjorks_defender? Totally agree with you on the worries for Everwood. Besides becoming ranting mad when I read all of the criticisms of Hannah’s character, the few spoilers I read left me slightly nervous and nauseated. Here’s hoping that they can pull off the relationship realistically.

I forgot what else I was going to say. Some fabulous rant about something. Oh well, have to be up earlyish to babysit my pseudonephew tomorrow anyway, so I guess I’d better call it a night.

Night all *blows kisses*

I am doing a real post, but for the moment:

Name six songs that you are currently digging … it doesn’t matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they’re any good but they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions and then list the six artists and the songs in your LiveJournal.

(I can never obey instructions–what fun is just listing the songs? Explanations and downloads

Heads you lose. Tails they win.

I had a mini-breakdown today.

Not a major one–there were only a few tears and just a little bit of alkalosis lightheadedness from hyperventilating–nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a evening spent with my favorite doctor, Hawkeye Pierce, couldn’t fix, but it’s the sign of “things to come.”

And all because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life–and this feeling of dread that I’m messing everything up.

I went to the school today–to change my schedule so that I’m doing my Sub-intership in Internal medicine in October, instead of January like I had originally planned, and to talk to the neurology coordinator so that I could figure out what exactly I’m doing for my rotation in 10 days.

I got my schedule fixed–but to change it like I did meant that I’d be doing my rotation at a different hospital than where I had hoped–which means the letters of recommendation that I could get won’t be as good because they don’t have the necessary “prestige” and name recognition.

The neurology person wasn’t there, so before heading out, I went to our student lounge to check mail and email. A notice in my inbox informed that my registration had been processed and I was now $100 cheaper and able to complete the Neurology match.

I’m not even sure if I want to Neurology anymore. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is fears that are choking me, because four months ago, I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. It could be the acrid “great enthusiasm, worked on weekends, interested in the field” evaluation that I got from my attending professor–the same attending that I am to meekly beg for a letter of recommendation. Or the fact that while everybody I worked with in internal medicine are turning circles around me, trying to convince me that that is the field I want to be in, I’ve just received indifference from the neuro folks. “Oh you like neurology. Oh, that’s interesting.” Or have I just forgotten how much neuro fit me–how much it excited me, because it’s been almost a year since I did the rotation.

I liked my internal med rotations a lot. At first, I blamed that on my extremely cute doctor (who is still very cute and apparently still single. So why do I feel like a junior high student with a crush on her teacher??), but the second time around that was not the case, and I still liked it. But do I like it as a career? Or am I considering it because getting letters of recommendation won’t be quite as painful from them.

I hate waffling. I hate this sick feeling in my gut that tells me that time is running out and the decision needs to be made. If I just flipped the coin, would I feel better?

Can I join half of my flist in guy woes?

I feel pathetically female (not the good way) and weak. All because a rush of heartburn when I saw Matt today with that big, honest grin that I’m delusional enough to think that he only gives me. And when he hugged me after I asked how his father was doing, well, that just about did me in.

I know he has a girlfriend (I think? I haven’t seen her around in weeks.) I know that I’ve been here before and logically, I know that past experiences have shown that he. is. not. interested. in. me. I know that.

And yet…

*sigh, sigh, sigh*

And you know what would really help in getting over this perpetual crush?? If there was ONE single guy in the ORs that I work with. Just one. A doctor, a resident, a scrub tech, a nurse, a janitor, heck a products salesman. I don’t even care if he’s that cute–all he needs is pretty eyes, since with the hats, masks and gowns, that’s all I see anyway.

That cute doctor that I worked with last fall is around again and still looking beautiful. Maybe I should find more reasons to just “conveniently” be around the floor when he’s there.

Speaking of him, does anybody know what the title of “Not as Cute as Pushkin” from GG is talking about. Because it gives me giggles, since that’s cute doctor’s name. 🙂 Funny, huh?

And let me tell you, you’ve never experienced overnight call, until it’s just you and the resident around–and she comes down with food poisoning. Yesterday was an adventure, to say the least. 🙂 Surgery has definitely been a growing process in ways that I had never imagined.

And speaking of surgery, rounds start early tomorrow, so it’s off to bed to get my 6.5 hours. Four more days!!!

And I don’t round until 7:30 tomorrow morning!!! The two hours of extra sleep are almost enough to make up for the fact that I’m going to be on call tomorrow and not get a day off this weekend.

Almost. 🙂

*hugs* to all of my flist. I’ve missed you guys, and I’m sorry that I haven’t had a chance to comment in your lives. You’re all in my thoughts!

Tell me 3 Unique Characteristics about Me.

Please?

Examples so helpfully provided by the dean’s office:

“I successfully balanced classes, clerkships and family by deciding to have a baby third year.”
“I play a mean bass in a jazz band on the weekends.”

…

I guess with my overachieving class, probably putting that I’m mediocre would be unique.

Bah. Bah. Bah. Have I mentioned recently how much I HATE THIS??

Found out about the attack from a television, while checking a surgical wound. It felt surreal. It still does.

Hugs, thoughts and prayers to those who were affected by these events. Special prayers and hugs to Ali (watcher_junior)–I hope your family, friends and other loved ones are safe.

Two days into surgery and haven’t seen the inside of an OR yet.

Just the way I like it. 😀 My team has been really nice too, and it looks like my attending are really wonderful too–no yelling and belittling here.

Tomorrow, only one case scheduled.

*happy sigh*

Still early mornings, though.

It’s such a comforting thought to know that I spent my last days of freedom writing a paper, that most likely will never find a publishing journal, since my mind’s mush and I can’t finish the stupid thing.

Twelve hours to go, folks.

Checklist:
Shoes–new, cushy soles. Haven’t wore them though…
Stethoscope
Pens (plural)
Palm Pilot (new programs on it, thanks to Chris)
Pager with new batteries
Notebook for patient information
Study books/pimp questions
Supply of ibuprofen/aspirin/tylenol
Set of clean scrubs
Nametag

I think I might be ready.

In case it’s a long time until you hear from me–have a fabulous summer!

XO to all!

Thanks to all of my wonderful flist for your support and caring. I love you guys. Really, truly.

I’m better. Sleep is a wonderful thing, as is resignation and realization. I studied harder for that test than I have all year long. I read up on every single one of my patients, on their diseases and how to treat them. I even relearned for the fifth time how to read EKGs and blood gases. I knew it–the basics, even crazy diseases. So I don’t know how 66% of everybody who took it did better than me, but it wasn’t for anything that I did.

And it’s just a grade right? *sigh*

I have to start applying for residencies this weekend–get my CV (curriculum vitae for those who don’t know–I didn’t until a few months ago) turned into the central processing place (oh joy), prepare my personal statement and get a list of three things that are “fantastic” about me to give to the Dean of the school, so that when she can write all kinds of wonderful things about me to send to the schools. Plus, I still have that research paper to work on, and I’m dog tending. So much for my holiday. Grr.

Went and saw War of the Worlds today. Hate contributing to opening weekend sales, especially after all of the Tommy fiascoes, but it was the one movie that Chris hadn’t seen and he owed me — that dog I’m housesitting? Yeah, he was supposed to take care of it, but he forgot and made plans to go to Jackson Hole. And did I mention that I’m not so fond of dogs?! The movie wasn’t so bad–properly intense in places and I was sitting on the head of my seat through a good portion of it. Melissa told me that sitting next to me with all of my gasps and freakouts made her more nervous than the movie did. The little kid’s screaming got very annoying very early on, and the ending felt rather abrupt and lackluster (although the explanation was cool). And Tom was rather flat… Sometime good, but eh.

Surgery rotation starts in four days. There are not words to describe how much I’m dreading this. I just about killed myself with two weeks! *pouts* So, I’ll definitely have to make some time for chatting on Sunday, because it’s going to be a long time before I get to do that.

I broke down sobbing in the secretary’s office today. I think that’s the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I thought I had a handle on things, until I found out that I did even worse on that stupid test than I thought and every single pipe dream shattered. And I lost it.

I’ve gotten used to mediocrity since medical school.

No, no, I hear the protests, but it’s true. I haven’t been one of the stellar students–I can’t remember the last time that I saw a grade that was any better than just passing. For the most part, it hasn’t bothered me. Really–the choice between studying for hours every day or just studying a week before the exam, knowing enough that I can pass and getting to enjoy myself in between times–that was good enough for me. Of course, now when I can actually see how it applies to my career and to my patients, I do wish I had spent a time more time studying Pharm. But just a little.

Even this year, I haven’t expected honors in my rotations. I haven’t. But when I work really really really hard and study for hours, I would like to have some outcome that showed that it was all worth it. Just something so I feel like I don’t have to spend he next six months scrounging for some dumb program to take me.

Anybody want to share funny stories with me? Feed me chocolate? Loan me your favorite plush animal? Give me a push off the roof?

Sometimes I really wonder why I put so much effort into things, when in the end, I don’t have one thing to show for it.

I’ve got a bad migraine from all the tears and a paper that I have to write.

I’ve started writing a longer updating post thingy, but ti’s taking forever, and I really need some good advice.

So here’s the back story:

I live in a pretty crappy neighborhood. It’s not terrible drug slum kind of place, but it’s not much better than that. the rent’s relatively cheap and since I’m the poor student, it works. I’ve gone through really bad neighbors–the drug dealers upstairs (nice girls actually–the company they kept though)–freaky ones (upstairs Jim who would sit on the porch all day and smoke–and question any body who came to visit. he was my private watch dog).

So that brings me to my current neighbors. They’ve lived here for about a year, a guy with stringy hair, his girlfriend with a mullet, and his mother–and I guess the cold weather kept them inside, because now… Now I’ve got one guy without an eye who sits outside all day long, asking me questions. Last night, I’ve discovered that somebody has moved sleeping bags under my window and is sleeping there–at least one, there’s probably more. They were cutting hair on the sidewalk today. And to just add that final straw, some random woman was sitting on my porch smoking cigarettes when I came home from volunteering.

So here’s the thing: I am extremely nonconfrontational. Nothing gives me more fears than trying to approach somebody to get them to stop behaviors (expect in a doctor’s office–I have all the power there and can say “you need to stop smoking” with authority). I realize that I need to talk to my manages, but I have no idea what to even say–and should I try to talk to the neighbors first?

Have any of you gone through anything like this? Advice on what to do/what to say? Because right now, I’m just a little bit freaked out–and am actually considering moving–which I have time nor money to do. And I hate moving.

Help!