Theoretical question. If you were a guy (or if you are a guy, I have a few of those on my flist *hugs my manly friends*) and a woman called you up and invited you to a dinner and a movie, emphasizing as she did so, that it was a date (I believe my exact words were “I’m getting a group together to go out to dinner and to see the new movie Stardust, and I’d like you to be my date”), would you wear a teeshirt and khaki shorts and not shave for 2 days?

Now, I may have been spoiled by my friendship with Chris, who keeps Banana Republic singlehandedly in business, but uh, really, I thought it was more than just Miss Manners preaching to put a little bit of effort into an evening out. Granted, he was post call, I do make allowances, but still.

So there you have my first impression of the evening: not impressed at all.

Okay, I’m being a bit unfair and setting the evening up as a total failure. Which it wasn’t. We had a good time at the restaurant and the food was good (Indian. The Chicken Tandoori was very dry but improved with some of the sauces. The Chicken Tikka Masala was much better, although I have had better. Bombay House for you Utah people. ). I tried very hard not to talk just about medicine (which since it is my life was very hard) and we found a lot of stuff in common and time quickly passed; we actually had to race to the movie. The movie, Stardust, was fabulous and we were both rolling in laughter. And I looked beautiful (for a human). I did. I don’t think very positively about myself very often, but I don’t think I can look better than that.

Jared apparently raved about the evening to his roommates. Both of them came up to me (one practically leapt across the foyer to talk to me, which I found a wee bit amusing as we’ve had very little to talk about before this) and asked me how our date was, which I thought was promising. And better yet, they actually used the word “date,” so I was somewhat reassured that the message had gotten across.

But he barely talked to me today. Well. I guess that says it all.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to have any expectations. And I did manage to squelch most of them. But there’s still that romantic bit that refuses to give up that had hoped, so hoped that maybe, just maybe he would the guy who would find me interesting enough, attractive enough to push for one more date to get to know me better. And that part of me is undeniably hurt tonight.

Geez, I’m crying now.

This isn’t about Jared. I really barely know him, and now I know just a few more small talk things about him. He likes much of the same types of movies as me, has 5 younger brothers and sisters, grew up in Idaho and is, at least when it comes to health care, a Republican (which made me shudder. While I am a moderate, I’m a flaming liberal with my ideas about health care reform). That’s it. But I had hoped for a chance to learn more.

I know, I know the old saying that love comes when you are least expecting it. To stop looking and it will find you. And all I see is years that I’ve been alone, where I haven’t been looking and it hasn’t come, and a future that doesn’t appear to be changing.

I’ve always stocked my unattractiveness to the fact that I’m overweight. Medically, at this point, I’m at least 30 pounds overweight. That’s not getting me to a skinny weight, that’s just to the high end of a healthy weight. I’ve told myself since high school, since junior high that one of the many reasons that I didn’t have the dates or even a dance was because I was fat. I found my high school yearbook and I was astonished. I broke down in tears looking at those pictures. I wasn’t fat back then. I was average and I was beautiful. So if I am successful about losing the weight, which I am working so hard to do, it’s really not going to change anything. Because I’ll still be me.

I don’t know what to do better. I don’t know how to make myself more “dateable”. I’m trying so hard to have faith, to believe in God’s plan for me, that He is watching out for me, but being surrounded by blissfully happy couples, and not even getting a chance, I’m struggling.

I know that when compared to the challenges that others have to go through, of poverty, illness, abuse, abandonment, true obesity, hunger, death, etc, this is pretty minute. I know. I meet people every day who face more suffering and trials that I’ve ever had to see in my protected life, and they do so, with the grace and strength that I hope someday to possess. I feel little and selfish and ridiculous that I’m in tears because some boy didn’t live up to the fantasies that I had imposed, which makes me feel even worse about everything.

In a few days, I’ll laugh at myself again, and go on living the life, and will try to ignore those stabs of loneliness and longing and be back to my normal self. For now, I’m allowing myself a little bit of moping and tears.

***

In other news, the sore throat and earaches are completely gone today. And I’ve started the process of moving my blog over to wordpress to make a family acceptable version that will at least keep them updated in what I’m doing in my life. It seemed like the best compromise, because I really need to keep one place where I can vent and not have to filter. The nicest thing about wordpress? You can edit your comments! It’s a beautiful thing.

I get my haircut in a hour for my fist and most likely last date with Jared tonight.

I’m a little frustrated right now. My initial plans was to turn this into a mirror of the Plethora’s Date Night, and have a group here go. But slowly, everybody started weedling out. Last to go was Sarah who texted me and told me that she couldn’t find a date. I’m so frustrated with the boys our age that she couldn’t find one guy, one guy who was willing to have some fun. So it’s just Jared and I, which is fine, except that I work better in a small crowd and I’m afraid that once again, this is turning into into something that appears like it’s a Big Deal. However, I have talked to him a few times this week, giving him plenty of opportunity to back out and he’s refused to, so maybe things will still be alright.

But I did go shopping for clothes and really found some great things for work and for tonight, including this absolutely wonderful skirt and sweater that I can not wait for autumn to come so I can wear it. Plus.. I’m down a size. 🙂 It’s amazing what a 5 pound weight loss can do. The gym and the better eating is starting to pay off. Slowly. Oh, ever, so slowly. But that’s the best way, so we’ll keep plugging away.

I’m still leaning to getting my haircut like Julia Stiles as pictured here. What do you think? It’s pretty much how I always get my hair cut, but it’s longish and I should be finally able to blend in my growing-out bangs that are now just beyond my nose. I’m still undecided about the highlights. I guess I’ll see what they manage to talk me into when I go.

And I finally went to the doctor today. I’ve had the sore throat and earaches for 3 weeks now and I wasn’t getting better. I mean, I got over the worst of it 8 days in, but it was still bad enough that it was affecting my sleep and I had difficulty swallowing at night. My chief resident was the one who examined me and gave me grief for taking three weeks to see a physician.Yeah, I know. Negative for strep, but I’m exposed to enough bacteria on a daily basis that we both felt it wise to get a prescription. It’s kinda funny being on the patient side of thing–I was able to give him my complete history with review of systems in 5 minutes (sore throat for 3 weeks, minimal cough and upper respiratory symptoms, fever the first week, none since then, no lymphadenopathy, no exudate, erythema in the back of my throat, no difficulty breathing, no history of GERD), he examined me for 2 minutes, wrote me out the prescription and we were done. Hopefully the antibiotics will make me feel magically better–if they don’t, then I’ll know that it really truly is viral and I’ll just wait until I get better. I hate wait.

Wish me luck tonight, guys? Three and a half years since I did this… I’m going to need it.

Jared grabbed me in church today and apologized profusely for not being able to make it Friday, as he’s on call (med student. Probably totally wrong of me to go on a date with him, but I live dangerously), then stated that he had looked up the movie, and it sounded great and he really wished he could come. After chastising him royally for the text message rejection (to which he apologized again), I pressed him slightly and asked him if I moved it to Saturday, would he be interested in coming then. And he said yes.

🙂 *muffles squeal*

I am excited. Still a wee bit wary that he’ll come up with a last minute excuse or that he’ll never talk to me after Saturday, but it’s been three and a half years since my last real date, so you all will allow me a little bit of girlish delight, won’t you? I’m getting my hair cut (I think the Julia Stiles style (hee) is winning out) and I might get a new shirt or something equally fancy. In other words, I’m going all out. I might even wear makeup, that’s how big this is.

It was a good day. I teach Sunday School, which I enjoy a lot. There’s a really, really young (20? 21?), adorable guy who attends, who told me a few weeks ago that I was his favorite teacher, which of course, set my heart aflutter. Today, he complimented me, telling me that I looked really nice in my dress today (I was wearing pink which I never do. Huh.). Then another guy, who I teach with, told me that I was awesome. *blinks* Wow. It’s been a long time since I had one of those confidence building days. Good thing they don’t happen all that often, don’t want the noggin getting too big. 🙂

There’s a reason that I keep Chris around. 🙂 It never fails that when I’m frustrated with the male species, infuriated at being ignored, tearing myself apart because I’m not pretty enough, charming enough, slender enough and too “smart” to be attractive to anyone, he comes and reminds me that while I might not have the romantic aspect, I have at least one guy who thinks I’m important enough to make me a priority in his life. It’s kinda nice to be reminded that it’s not entirely me that’s the problem.

We went out for Indian food and then to a movie (Bourne Ultimatum, which was fabulous. Seriously. Matt Damon is hot (36 and not one crowfoot wrinkle. I was checking) and I want Julia Stiles’ hair), so I guess I did get my date and male company after all. 🙂

Jared did finally get back to me today. By text message. Which I think is the lamest, cop-out way of communication ever invented. What a great way to tell the other person that you’re not even worth a 5 minute phone conversation. I think this will be the last time I ask him to anything. I’m going to still try to find someone for Friday night, but pickings are slim in my ward so we’ll see how it goes.

My friends in Utah are having a Date Night next Friday. They’re all going to dinner and then to the opening premiere of “Stardust.” I was so disappointed that I’m not able to go, because movies and evenings out have become a rarity with the Pleth since the kids started cropping up (love all of my pseudo nieces and nephews, but they did change our fun-loving times).

So I decided to recreate my own Date Night here and asked a boy from my church to be my date. Or rather, I called him on the phone and left a message. A very nice, friendly, nonthreatening, nonfreaky message. And I haven’t heard a peep since then.

Yep.

This is why I just love all of this. It’s a dinner and a movie. I’m not proposing. I’m not confessing my undying love. I’m asking for male company to talk about geeky things like fantasy and books, to eat Indian food, to find out a little more about the people that I associate with. That’s it. And all I want is an answer. Yes/No. I accept apologies, regrets, even “I don’t wanna because I think you’re lame.” I don’t accept silence. And seeing as I already asked this same guy out in April and got turned down… well, I guess it’s just time to accept defeat.

Luckily, I’ve kept my senses about me this time; while he seemed like a nice guy and I’ve enjoyed being around him, he also had some of the same characteristics like Oliver…very charismatic, funny, and flirty with everybody and I certainly learned my lesson with Oliver to be very wary.

So anybody wanna be my date on Friday? *sigh*

ETA: shirerain are you still reading LJ at all? I’ve tried to run into you on AIM a few times but haven’t seen you. And I’ve missed you and have been thinking about you. I hope you are okay.

Venting is a very good thing. Can’t say that it made the troubles go away, but I do feel like I may have a little bit of a game plan (yes, I’m being vague, perhaps more details in the future).

Have to give a presentation on a paper tomorrow. Haven’t found the paper yet. Plus I have clinic. Gosh, I love Tuesdays.

Still loving the ICU (for real, no sarcasm here), but it’s freaking me out. Starting to sink in that I’m the one “in charge.” Even though I have a fellow as backup, he’s not always there, and if something goes wrong, I’m expected to step up and direct and manage until he gets there. Plus I have 2 fourth year students that I’m responsible for… and they’re making decisions that I have to constantly evaluate to make sure they are appropriate. Plus, I have to know about every patient on the team, which even though it’s a small team right now (3 patients. 1 consult. 2 of the patients are palliative. All that equals no fun, no procedures for Julia), these patients have been here a long time and that’s a lot of reviewing that I have to do. I’ve already “messed” up once, where my student wrote an order that I should have questioned more closely and didn’t, leading to extra invansive procedures on an already sick guy.

And now, I really have to go track down an article to talk about.

I’m having one of those pathetic days, where I feel gloom and depressed and completely alone. It’s not like things have been difficult right now… Work wise, things are going well, easy schedule (well, I start jeopardy call in the morning, so things at least have the potential of becoming more hairy), and I’m enjoying working with my colleagues. Even the resident that I’ve despised is more tolerable now and we’ve actually had one or two pleasant conversations. (It’s all a facade, but whatever).

But then I come home, and while I enjoy living alone, right now, I feel lonely. One of the good friends that I’ve made here moved to Utah this week for her residency, and because of an alarm clock fluke, I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye. Two of my co-interns in Neurology are leaving, one because he got married to a girl who refused to move, the other because of health concerns, and they’re my buddies. I just found out about one of them this week and since he’s ignoring my phone calls/emails, well… You all know how much I despise change, and to be confronted with all of this at the same time, I guess it’s no surprise that all I’ve wanted to do is crawl into bed and stay there.

We won’t even mention the loathing/disgust/longing mix that’s associated with the few potential boys in my life. I’m too bitter right now.

I have 3 posts about my sister’s wedding started, that I’ve never finished. Maybe tomorrow…

It’s probably wrong to be interested in my medical student.

The med student that I’m responsible for, look after, teach, who looks up at me with adoring eyes because I impart so much knowledge *snerk*.

Wrong. Very wrong.

That’s why I’m not.

Nope, not at all.

*goes back to daydreaming* In two weeks, I won’t be his intern… ooo, possibilities.

BTW, my presentation? That I’ve spent most of the week fretting/working on? Trashed. It somehow got corrupted this morning. Fabulous. So it’s going to be a long night. Bah.

Note to self: the next time you think that hanging out with the current crush at the grocery store is a great way to get him to really notice you, remember the $96 bill, the peach cobbler that won’t fit in your freezer, the bruise on your ankle from crashing the cart into you (must you always be so clumsy??) and the lonely drive home, after he left to go on a dinner date with another girl.

In some ways, it was worth it. Great conversation about life and houses and favorite food, lots of laughs, minimal (was there any?) uncomfortable silence, fabulous, lingering hugs (how did I get into a hugging relationship with him?? I swore I’d never do that again!), etc. Even the bit where he left for his date–a girl from the internet he just talked to for the first time yesterday–I would have found amusing if it wasn’t him and the utter frustration that he is just so oblivious. Or not interested, which still sucks.

The New New Year’s Resolutions:
1. Get some courage, Cowardly Lion.
or
2. GET OVER IT!

It’s one or the other, girlfriend, and it’s time to choose. *nods head*

Have I told you I’m really bad at New Years resolutions?

There was a reason that God made me short (besides the fact that both my parents are short and genetics and all of that). It was to prevent me from going up to very cute guys and just planting one on them!

Because, lemme tell you, if I had had those two or three extra inches, there would have been nothing to prevent me from leaning over and kissing Matt the First very attractive, thin lips. Nothing. However, since I knew that I’d have to lean over on tiptoes (and would most likely tip over), I reigned the urges in.

The boy is still gorgeous. And I’m still pouting mad that absolutely nothing came of all the flirting. I mean, that boy had my best efforts just given to him!

Ah, well. I kissed that crush goodbye a while ago–figuratively, only. *pout*

Went up to the school today to talk to the neurology folks about what I’ll be doing on Monday, since I still haven’t heard anything (they didn’t even know that I was registered for the rotation until Monday. I had to go up and show them how to flip a sheet of paper over. Nice.). And they were all out of the office. It was 2:45 in the afternoon. You would think that since they hardly ever get anybody applying to neurology that they’d be working overtime to make sure that things were smooth sailing. *snort* Yeah, just not feeling the love. I’ve definitely started to wonder if it really is worth all of the effort doing the combo program (Internal Med and Neuro) when Int. Med. will probably provide me with whatever I need in my career and I like it.

The new Health Science Center is completed, and I took a quick tour around there. It’s the new education building for the medical, pharmacy and dental students. Wow, I’m very impressed. Lots of windows and big cosy couches–perfect for the afternoon nap–er, studying, I mean. I wish it had been completed earlier. It’s so weird to think that I am now a fourth year and will be done with all of this in less than a year.

And donnazita comes to see me tomorrow! I’m so excited!

Can I join half of my flist in guy woes?

I feel pathetically female (not the good way) and weak. All because a rush of heartburn when I saw Matt today with that big, honest grin that I’m delusional enough to think that he only gives me. And when he hugged me after I asked how his father was doing, well, that just about did me in.

I know he has a girlfriend (I think? I haven’t seen her around in weeks.) I know that I’ve been here before and logically, I know that past experiences have shown that he. is. not. interested. in. me. I know that.

And yet…

*sigh, sigh, sigh*

And you know what would really help in getting over this perpetual crush?? If there was ONE single guy in the ORs that I work with. Just one. A doctor, a resident, a scrub tech, a nurse, a janitor, heck a products salesman. I don’t even care if he’s that cute–all he needs is pretty eyes, since with the hats, masks and gowns, that’s all I see anyway.

That cute doctor that I worked with last fall is around again and still looking beautiful. Maybe I should find more reasons to just “conveniently” be around the floor when he’s there.

Speaking of him, does anybody know what the title of “Not as Cute as Pushkin” from GG is talking about. Because it gives me giggles, since that’s cute doctor’s name. 🙂 Funny, huh?

And let me tell you, you’ve never experienced overnight call, until it’s just you and the resident around–and she comes down with food poisoning. Yesterday was an adventure, to say the least. 🙂 Surgery has definitely been a growing process in ways that I had never imagined.

And speaking of surgery, rounds start early tomorrow, so it’s off to bed to get my 6.5 hours. Four more days!!!

It’s been one of those days/weeks. I got a parking ticket today. I was late for rounds this morning–rounds that I had to present at, and decided to risk parking in visitor parking, and got caught. *sigh* My wallet was already looking very pitiful….

It’s also been one of those weeks where I’ve been doing a lot of thinking–not a good combination with little sleep. But it’s something that I need to get down on paper, so *gestures*. Three things happened this weekend–and for being on call on Saturday and Sunday, and not one of them being work related, that’s pretty impressive–three things that started this rumination. I guess to have a better understanding, a little back history is needed.

The Plethora, Chris, and The Boy

Taken from donnazita. It’s all her fault!

If you could say something to ten guys in your past, what would you say?

The guys in Julia’s life

Heart, don’t fail me now. Courage, don’t desert me.

*picks up phone*

ETA: Negative, Ghostrider, that pattern’s full.

He has to work.

For the past six, seven, eight months, I’ve had a little *something* for a guy at my church. I would love to think that at 26, I’m old enough to be beyond crushes, but apparently not. This has had all of those classic symptoms: hyperawareness of every person he’s talking to (especially anyone who’s of the female persuasion), non-stop blabbering with any conversation, waking up just a little bit earlier to make sure I put on contacts and mascara (yes, there is a girl buried deep inside!).

Yeah. I’m smitten. With yet another Matt. *shakes head*

Tonight, while working on my presentation for tomorrow and watching The Amazing Race, I flipped channels and watched an old, favorite episode of M*A*S*H, where Hawkeye and Trapper pull yet another prank on Frank. It’s an early episode, I think from the first season, and one that I’ve probably seen a dozen times.

And it hit me, just before they switched to commercials. When he smiles, Matt looks exactly like a (much much!) younger version of Alan Alda. Spitting image, down to the cocky brow raise.

Disturbing. I think I’ve even squished me out.

It is a … jolting experience to go to the wedding reception of the man you dreamed your whole life to marry.

I’m not sure yet if I recommend it to anyone.

His walk is different… the army trained that patent saunter out. And his voice no longer carries the hint of Australian drawl that he obtained the two years he lived there (thankfully–that voice was irresistible enough). But he hasn’t changed much in looks and I had these weird feelings of being trapped between two “me”s. Folks, I think we just succeeded in time-travel. And it’s not pleasant.

We have nothing to talk about anymore. That helps. He didn’t even ask me anything about what was going on in my life, so I didn’t even have the opportunity to flaunt my successes (well, not really, flaunt per se)… Maybe that’s what I’m most bummed about. I spent most of the reception talking to *her* parents and sisters (one of them is a good friend of mine… Why does the world always have to be small when it concerns him??). They were nice and it passed the time, talking about what I do.

His bride is nice. Cute, but not so unbearably beautiful that you keep wondering if he only married her for her looks. She seems sweet, but I do admit to stifling a disbelieving glance when he stated proudly that she now sells Mary Kay products. Just another sign.

All is good. I survived and wished them sincere, hearty congratulations.

And that’s that.

Got a big white envelope in the mail this afternoon, from the National Board of Medical Examiners.

My heart seriously dropped to the bottom of my toes. I wasn’t expecting my results for at least another week. Tore the envelope open, with help from my sister (my fingers were shaking so badly) and….

I’ve been selected to participate in a survey of those who took the Boards.

Bastards. The least that they could do is put some kind of warning on the envelope that it did NOT contain Board results. Right now, I honestly think I don’t want to know.

It’s just been one of those days. Matt came by today, to drop off some books I lent him… I haven’t seen him for a couple of months now, and thought that he was purged from the system. Nope. Got that whole twittery, gut on the floor (hey, that’s twice today. Must be a record) at his voice and he’s looking good. Too good. And when he said that he had missed seeing me…. Guh. It’s so hard to remind myself that this crush of two years hasn’t progressed at all and isn’t going to. He’s either not interested (most likely) or just pathologically shy and it’s not going to change. Period.

And of course, my face chose today to break out and I was wearing my greasy glasses to give my poor eyes a break. I’m sure I looked fabulous.

Saw Spiderman with Chris and Melissa. They didn’t like it so much… I did. Well, except for the scene where the doctors and nurses were all killed–that was a little too graphic. I remember with the first one, the first time I saw it, I didn’t like it so much because of the clichéd writing, but got over it after reading that that was the point–to make it sound like it came from the comic books. That was their complaint today. Ah, well, next time I’ll see it with a more sympathetic crowd.

Rotations are going great. I’ve seen a couple of births and a c-sections and followed several patients in “my care.” Next week, I’m hoping to actually “catch the baby” and deliver it (with help of course). Birth is amazing, and I really like being around patients like this–mostly healthy, young women about my age and then being able to participate in this special time of their lives. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up going into OB, it’s definitely on the list to consider now. I have call on Monday night and then all of Saturday. I hope I can handle it! Me being up for more than 24 hours seems like a bad idea.

It’s been a while since I updated this journal for real. Every time, I start to post a message, something comes up and I’m swept away. I wish that it meant that I was being productive, you know, finish formatting my website, writing on my next chapter, studying for the next upcoming test. No, usually not, just little things that waste my time. Grrr.

I hope everybody had a nice Valentine’s Day, regardless of their attachment status. Becka, I was thinking of you and hoping that your day went better than you thought it would. How was your cake?

I went out to dinner with a bunch of first years women that I’ve studied with. The restaurant was so crowded, full of simpering couples–we had to wait an hour to get a table. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve never had a “relationship” go beyond a second date, so I’ve never celebrated VD with anybody special. So it may just be my singleness talking, but to me, it seems like such a cheap, over-sentimental holiday that there’s not a part of me that is dying to have a significant other to celebrate with… I don’t know, maybe it’s the flowers that wins them over, but I just don’t see the point. Although, I have a soft spot for the conversation hearts, they make me laugh.

Dinner was good for the most part… Good Italian food (Shrimp, spinach, mushrooms and pine nuts in lemon butter over pasta…Could you create a better dish?), good conversation, good people. Only one moment dulled the evening. One woman brought her friend, a fellow nurse whose name I’ve completely spaced, and apparently they’re trying to set her up with some of the (few) single guys in their class. And one of those guys they are considering is Matt. When I heard his name, my stomach lurched, my heart started beating twofold, and I know I was blushing bright enough to light a fire.

Who is Matt, you are asking? A long story and one that I haven’t talked about in a long time, but last night really disturbed me and I need to get it off my chest, so you, my poor readers, will get to hear about Matt, more than you probably wanted to know.

I met him around two years ago, when I was working in a lab before I started medical school. I didn’t even notice him for probably the first two months that I was there… He only worked a couple of days a week for a few hours, I barely saw him and I don’t think we said more than hi for ages. He’s pretty quiet and shy if you don’t know him. But we finally started talking and it suddenly dawned on me that he was cute (and he is, horribly good-looking. And I didn’t even realize it for the first six months that I knew him, I’m that dumb sometimes) and we had such a good time talking that before you knew it I was hooked.

I started medical school right when he started applying, so I kept in contact with him after I quit working. Rarely saw him, but we had a lot of fun email conversations, which added fuels to the flame.

Anyway, shortening this really boring story (I have such a hard time talking about my flings and crushes, that it all comes out forced and trite), he started going to my school, I saw him a little more, and it finally started to sink in that he wasn’t interested and he wasn’t going to be interested, so I did the whole “purge and move on” thing that I’ve almost perfected, I’ve done it so much. Unrequited love… Yeah, I’m writing a user guide on it.

Or at least I thought I had perfected that talent. The thought of him dating someone else made me positively green, and I so hated that girl. She’s too old for him anyway.

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. I mean, it’s been almost two years… Two freaking years. Granted, I’ve set the record for the longest crush–Erik, eight years–but that was mostly in high school and I can cut that some slack because it was the first crush and he was the only nice guy in my entire school. But I thought I had matured some since then.

And so now, I’m obsessing, I can’t get him out of my mind, which shows even greater maturity. And he was in my dreams last night… another bad sign.

On a good note, I noted a guy who looked strikingly like Jess… Believe me, I did a double take and was disappointed in reality. But… thick, wavy hair that stood up, short and lean. Yeah, his date probably didn’t understand why I was shooting daggers at her either!

So glad it’s Friday.

Yesterday was so unbelievably awful that I didn’t think today would ever come. Had finals yesterday, for the Nephrology block… So glad it’s over. I think I did really poorly.

Chris and I got in a fight right before the test–we were arguing about how to do an equation (I know, stupid), and I couldn’t see where he was coming from and we had already studied for three hours that morning… Nerves were frayed by that point, and after arguing whether milliliters or deciliters were bigger (yes, I know, stupid–and I was the one who was wrong, lol!) he finally just got up and, well, stomped off. I hate, hate, hate, hate fighting. I do just about anything to avoid confrontations, and I was so afraid that I had lost yet another friend that it made me sick. Needless to say, it took me a while before I was even able to read the questions clearly.

The test was brutal, too… I know I failed the physiology portion, there were questions that I had never even heard of the concepts. We’ll see about the organ system itself… And joy, I get to look forward to restudying this all in two months for the boards. Bliss!

Afterwards, I waited for Chris and, just with a look, everything was okay again, no apologies necessary. Neither of us are the kind who keep grudges. And, the way he acted, was exactly how I react too, so there weren’t any hard feelings.

One good thing: went swing dancing last night. I used to dance all the time, when I was a freshman/sophomore. I haven’t been for at least two years now… man, I’ve forgotten so much! I remembered the basic and not much else… I tried to do the basic for the Lindyhop or West Coast Swing (my favorite) and I couldn’t. I’ve completely forgotten how to follow a lead and I actually tripped on my own feet. I never was very good, not one of those that you looked at with envy at their gracefulness and poise, but I wasn’t that bad either.

There was a guy there who reminded me of my old dancing partner/friend/crush, Oliver. The way he moved was Oliver incarnate–the way he held his head, closed his eyes, moved his partner. It was rather eery. But why did I get a surge of something unpleasant, when my roommate Liz noted it and explained to the girl we went with that “James (the dancing boy) reminded me of an ex-boyfriend.” Vengeful!Me responded in my head: One kiss, one date does not boyfriend make.

Gah! Four years later, after I’ve completely exorcized all romantic attachments/thoughts/feelings to Oliver, — after I decided that he was just a friend and I was happy with that and then he completely abandoned our friendship — and I still feel like I’m in competition with her. I thought those demons were long dead.

I actually met a few guys, one or two with potential. Most conversations:

Guy: So, have you been here before?
Me: Yeah, I used to come all the time, but it’s been about four years.
Guy: Four years. That’s a long time.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me to be. Conversation is dead.)

Guy #2: So, are you going to school?
Me: Um, yeah, I’m in med school.
Guy #2: Med school, that’s really hard.
(Silence as he ponders how old that makes me and how brilliant I must be. Conversation dies.)

🙂 🙂 🙂 At least guy #2 didn’t say, “you must be so smart.” Or I would have stomped on his foot.

Ah, but I do so love to dance! I learned how to shag last night… Er… yes, name of a dance move…you hop on one foot, then the other… I swear!

Oh! And happy news! I’ve a semi-blind date this weekend to look forward to… Melissa (Chris’s girlfriend, who I absolutely adore and a first year) is setting me up with another first year. I’m excited. I won’t mention how long it’s been since my last date, but it’ll be a refreshing change. I know who he is by sight, but should I be concerned that Melissa describes him as a “jolly, like the Jolly Green Giant”? Jolly just isn’t a good descriptor for anyone.

I wonder how she described me to him….