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16th February 2004

Beliefs

claidheamhmor posted this ages ago, but I really liked it. And I’m in an introspective mood (which is not a mood you’ll find on a LJ list.)

Beliefs

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16th February 2004

GG Drabble

I figured I’d better post this before Dean’s return tomorrow and I get so pissed at him that I never want to see him content…

This is part of my “write something besides Rory and Jess” collection.

A Second Chance

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16th February 2004

perpetual crushes

It’s been a while since I updated this journal for real. Every time, I start to post a message, something comes up and I’m swept away. I wish that it meant that I was being productive, you know, finish formatting my website, writing on my next chapter, studying for the next upcoming test. No, usually not, just little things that waste my time. Grrr.

I hope everybody had a nice Valentine’s Day, regardless of their attachment status. Becka, I was thinking of you and hoping that your day went better than you thought it would. How was your cake?

I went out to dinner with a bunch of first years women that I’ve studied with. The restaurant was so crowded, full of simpering couples–we had to wait an hour to get a table. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve never had a “relationship” go beyond a second date, so I’ve never celebrated VD with anybody special. So it may just be my singleness talking, but to me, it seems like such a cheap, over-sentimental holiday that there’s not a part of me that is dying to have a significant other to celebrate with… I don’t know, maybe it’s the flowers that wins them over, but I just don’t see the point. Although, I have a soft spot for the conversation hearts, they make me laugh.

Dinner was good for the most part… Good Italian food (Shrimp, spinach, mushrooms and pine nuts in lemon butter over pasta…Could you create a better dish?), good conversation, good people. Only one moment dulled the evening. One woman brought her friend, a fellow nurse whose name I’ve completely spaced, and apparently they’re trying to set her up with some of the (few) single guys in their class. And one of those guys they are considering is Matt. When I heard his name, my stomach lurched, my heart started beating twofold, and I know I was blushing bright enough to light a fire.

Who is Matt, you are asking? A long story and one that I haven’t talked about in a long time, but last night really disturbed me and I need to get it off my chest, so you, my poor readers, will get to hear about Matt, more than you probably wanted to know.

I met him around two years ago, when I was working in a lab before I started medical school. I didn’t even notice him for probably the first two months that I was there… He only worked a couple of days a week for a few hours, I barely saw him and I don’t think we said more than hi for ages. He’s pretty quiet and shy if you don’t know him. But we finally started talking and it suddenly dawned on me that he was cute (and he is, horribly good-looking. And I didn’t even realize it for the first six months that I knew him, I’m that dumb sometimes) and we had such a good time talking that before you knew it I was hooked.

I started medical school right when he started applying, so I kept in contact with him after I quit working. Rarely saw him, but we had a lot of fun email conversations, which added fuels to the flame.

Anyway, shortening this really boring story (I have such a hard time talking about my flings and crushes, that it all comes out forced and trite), he started going to my school, I saw him a little more, and it finally started to sink in that he wasn’t interested and he wasn’t going to be interested, so I did the whole “purge and move on” thing that I’ve almost perfected, I’ve done it so much. Unrequited love… Yeah, I’m writing a user guide on it.

Or at least I thought I had perfected that talent. The thought of him dating someone else made me positively green, and I so hated that girl. She’s too old for him anyway.

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. I mean, it’s been almost two years… Two freaking years. Granted, I’ve set the record for the longest crush–Erik, eight years–but that was mostly in high school and I can cut that some slack because it was the first crush and he was the only nice guy in my entire school. But I thought I had matured some since then.

And so now, I’m obsessing, I can’t get him out of my mind, which shows even greater maturity. And he was in my dreams last night… another bad sign.

On a good note, I noted a guy who looked strikingly like Jess… Believe me, I did a double take and was disappointed in reality. But… thick, wavy hair that stood up, short and lean. Yeah, his date probably didn’t understand why I was shooting daggers at her either!

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