I usually get emotional at series endings. I do. Years ago, I wept over “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” although I had seen maybe two eppys. They represent a change, a era of life that is now over–and I always get emotional at life changes (wow, you didn’t know that, did you?). We won’t even talk about the waterworks seen with the ending of X-Files. Voyager. Mad About You. Etc.

Many a tear was shed tonight… of utter joy and of utter horror. I mean, 7th Heaven? Ending not with one pregnancy, but three sets of twins, I just about gagged. And the whole flashback scenes or the dream “here’s how the wedding ends” dream sequences… *shudders*

I know I have several friends in LJ who like 7th Heaven… so I’ll stop now. But I am not going to miss that show. Not at all.

Everwood, however, was awesome. They so know how to handle human emotions and making them real, so even though I’m irrate at their actions, I still love the characters. Anyone heard if they’ve announced which shows they’re keeping next year?

I have to admit that I have a weakness for TLC shows. Like “Little People, Big World” or “What Not to Wear”. Or my newest favorite “Jamie Oliver Does School Lunch.” I’ve had such a crush on The Naked Chef… I think it’s the accent. And the fact that he cooks.

Started physical therapy today. I’ve been to these same therapists for the last 4 surgeries, so I’m kinda fond of them. They’re older women and very good. My therapist was impressed with all of the progress that I’ve made–although, I wish I had just a bit more movement. But that’s why we go to the therapist. That and the wonderful, massaging electrodes… Mmm. Sweet pain.

Nothing else to report really. I’m flying out to Milwaukee at the end of the month to look at places to live–whether I buy or not is still up in the air. But that’s all the excitement in this port. 🙂

ETA: I was just looking though some old emails and found the link to Chris and Melissa’s wedding site. It’s still up. The counter on the bottom says “Four days until the big day” and there are smiling pictures of the couple on every page. I haven’t seen Chris look that content for a long time. The tears in my eyes are real this time… It still sucks, you know?

I raised my arm above my head!

I washed my hair with both hands! (getting to shower was Thursday’s accomplishment)

I put on my contacts! (okay, I lost my glasses last night and can’t find them anywhere)

I wore a bra! (too much info, eh?)

And… I drove my car! (we’ll just avoid left-handed turns for a while)

Whee!

Had dinner with a couple of Chris’s friends tonight. He’s been staying with them since the big breakup and housesat while they were gone (it was their lumpy little couch that has made so many appearances in my recent entries). It was a rather quiet affair–everybody seemed to be exhausted, but it was nice being around people and getting out of the house. I’m tired of feeling like an invalid.

Chris leaves for Mexico tomorrow morning. It’s still just so unreal, that only three months ago, he was going to be getting married in a week. May 13th. And now he’s not. I still have their “save the date” magnet, they broke up right before the invitations were sent. It still makes me so sad at times, although I’m still royally pissed at her and can barely be tolerant when I see her. It’s a good thing. It really is, but oh, being there is going to be hard on him. I’m trying to think of clever little emails that will cheer him up, or distract him, but so far, I haven’t come up with anything.

Anyway, he’ll be gone for about 11 days. Home for 3 days for graduation (he’s going to walk with us! I just about squeed when he told me, and I try very hard not to *squee* in RL). And then off to Asia, and that will be the end of the Julia-n-Chris years.

But we’re not thinking about that now. Better to concentrate on the pile of paper work that I have to do for the new job and the paper I have to finish before I can graduate. It never ends, does it?

And the million dollar question… Do I really want it to?

I like this meme. And since I’ve added recently to my friends-list *waves to new friends*, there might be a lot that you don’t know about me.

How many times has someone on your friends list posted about something and you were really confused, but you didn’t want to ask because you knew you should know? How many times have you felt ‘guilty’ asking a close LJ friend a question that should be ‘obvious’?

If you’ve missed a few things, missed an entry and are confused, ask me anything. Even something extremely basic. I’m not allowed to get even slightly irritated at any of the questions — we’ve all missed things before.

Or wordage number 2:

“This is the problem with LJ, we all think we are close, but we know nothing about each other. To rectify this, I want you to ask something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.”

Ask away! I’m an open book (and really just want to waste time!)

Surgery was survived and a good time was had by all.

Well, not really. But it wasn’t too bad.

Surgery happened pretty much as planned. I arrived at 7 in my yellow pj bottoms and I was wheeled back for surgery around 9:20. They gave me Versed so I don’t remember anything that had happened after that (they had offered to give me Versed when I walked in, but I thought that losing that much of time would be worse than waiting), which I haven’t been able to decide if I like better or not. The last few minutes before being knocked out are always the worst–I get rather nervous as that fuzzy feeling spreads–but I missed having that last moment of confidence-building with my doctor, before I’m sent off to sleepy-land.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the afternoon (or big portions of the next several days). Chris was there when I woke up, before work and then back later that afternoon, Karin spent the day there, a couple of med school friends dropped by for a bit in the evening so I didn’t lack from attention. My hospital room? Was a suite. With a separate living room and tv/dvd, etc. It was huge and I hear it was awesome. I tried to watch Rent with Chris one night and ending up falling asleep ten minutes in it, but others enjoyed it. My nurses were great and lovely and I felt quite spoiled. I got flowers for the first time *squee*: Roses from Karin, a large bouquet from one of the sisters in the ward and some large, colorful, have-no-idea-what-kind from Chris with gummy bears and strawberries. 🙂 They were awesome and I can see how a girl would get quite used to the attention.

I was supposed to be in the hospital just overnight, but I felt quite sick and not ready to leave, so I ended up staying until Saturday. And no, it wasn’t just because I loved my room, although that contributed. My dad drove me home (hometown home) where I’ve been recooperating over the weekend, sleeping on the couch. I’ll head back tomorrow, to face the real world and complete all of my med school assignments (I got an extension, which considering that before today, I couldn’t even look at a computer screen for more than two minutes, is a very good thing) and my recovery has been good too–even right after surgery I had more movement than I did on my other shoulder. With therapy, I’ve been able to lift my arm to shoulder height, which is great and I’m weaning myself from the narcs too. 😀

Anyway, I’m getting tired, so I’m making this short. Just wanted to say hi and hug everybody who was thinking about me. Thanks guys! *hugs*

I feel like I’m constantly making these “final posts.” Last post before going to Kenya. Last post before starting a rotation. Last post before I get my teeth cleaned, etc. I wonder why that is?

So make this the last post before I have surgery and take an involuntary absence from my computer at least through the weekend. 🙁 My email accounts are going to be so neglected.

I’m scheduled to report in at 7 in the morning. Surgery will most likely be at 8:30 am and is scheduled to last 2 hours. I’ll be in the post-op area (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit) for probably another hour or two after that–although it will only feel like mere minutes to me. Anethesia is definitely a unique experience. Docs claim that it “puts you to sleep”. It doesn’t really, because there’s no falling asleep part–you all of a sudden lose consciousness, and you wake up just as suddenly, with a limb that doesn’t work as well and an extremely overwhelming thirst reflex–the breathing tube drys you out. The thirst is quite unbearable–speaking of which, I need to go drink a ton, so my veisn will be nice and plump tomorrow. At midnight it’s “No Food for you!”

I’ve got my iPod fully charged, my toothbrush, lip gloss, and am still deciding which comfortable clothes to bring. (Pajamas? Scrubs?) I went to Blockbuster and rented “Howl’s Moving Castle,” “Everything is Illuminated,” and “Rent” and I purchased the first 2 seasons of The X-Files last week so I’d have some entertainment. And I accomplished number one on my list–I cut my hair. It’s short. Very short. I haven’t had my hair this short since I was a sophomore in college, but Matt complimented me on it tonight (as did Karin, but that doesn’t count quite as much does it?) so I guess it’s okay. In fact, you can see it here with the lovely large zit that is cropping up on my chin. Lovely.

Picture of Julia because she loves digital cameras

In any case, I have to get to bed, so I can wake up early and shower (as it will be my last shower for the next 10 days. Ugh) and finish getting ready.

Love to you all! Wish me luck!

Had the breakdown of the century this evening. Believe me, it wasn’t pretty.

But everything just got to me, the stress, the papers that were due that I hadn’t been able to write more than an introduction on ALL DAY LONG, the limited sleep, feeling neglected and extremely lonely, even though Chris was sitting next to me, typing away on his paper. And on and on, until I couldn’t take it anymore and broke into tears, blubbering about everything that I had to do, how I was freaked out about surgery, etc. Poor Chris. I haven’t been the funnest person to work with over the last little while–I have discovered that whatever talent I had for writing papers in college has long since disappeared, which makes me feel even more frustrated–and I must have really freaked him out today.

After a hug (does wool shrink with tears? How do those poor sheep manage?!), a little bit of a nap and an inclusion in a dinner invitation (which had been that little straw), everything perked up and I was able to finish my paper–10 minutes past the deadline. Doh! But at least it’s done and one more thing I can cross of my “To Do Before Surgery” list. The list is still massive and I have no idea how I’ll get it all done tomorrow, but I think most of the other stuff can be pushed off, if necessary. Except the haircut. That has jumped to the top of the list. *scowls at nappy hair*

But tonight, I’ll sleep in a real bed and sleep in until 9… It sounds almost too good to be true.

Night!

I don’t think there’s a male creature on this earth right now that I don’t loathe.

Even claidheamhmor is not entirely exempt because the tea he and melancthe sent me hasn’t come yet. Okay, since he did send me the tea, which is a very nice and wonderful gesture, he’s excused from my wrath. 🙂 (*hugs Claymore* Sorry for the generalization!) But the mailman ain’t.

I’m tired. I’m tired of writing papers. I’m tired of getting blamed whenever something goes wrong. I’m tired of cold silences and angry sighs. I’m tired of lousy PC laptops that make me always look like the moron who breaks things and worse, delete most of what I’ve written. I’m tired of feeling like an idiot. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the week-old leftovers.

He’s just making me mad. I had forgotten how much we tend to grate on each other when we’re working day after day after day. Most of the time, it’s great–we do work well together, we do, and I would be royally screwed at this point without his help. But then there are other times… And I’m such a passive person in arguments that I can’t voice my explanations/disagreements and I just end up seething. I’m just torn right now–torn because in some way I need a break, we need a break, and yet… This is it. In two weeks, he’s gone. I don’t worry about losing my other friends, mostly because I know that the ties of the Plethora have stayed strong over 9 years and they just aren’t breaking. But I worry about him. I’ve never understood exactly why he was my friend to begin with, even after three years, I still wonder. And I can’t get over this fear that I’m going to leave for residency, he’s going to breath a big sigh of relief and that’s going to be it.

I’m freaking out about my surgery this week. I have no idea if I’ve made the right decision and have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to analyze it. I don’t know if it’s just going to make things worse, if I should just suck it up and deal with the pain, or if it really is as I felt earlier that it was something that needed to happen now before I got into residency.

I have to get back to my paper. It’s going to be yet another all nighter. *cries*

I’m tired of sleeping on couches.

Particularly too short couches…

Which seeing as I’m short myself, is a really small couch.

Particularly when I’m awoken in the morning by a large, spastic dog jumping on me and licking me.

Particularly, when I don’t even get to fall asleep on said couch until 3 in the morning…

And wake up again before 8…

Or sometimes before 7.

Particularly when said couch is lumpy and makes my shoulder hurt more.

****
I just have to make it through this week. This week and weekend and I’ll be virtually done. But until then I have two papers, a test, a 10 hour day of lecture and another test/skill exam. And administer the survey that FINALLY (today) got IRB approval. And write the paper about that project. And the powerpoint. And help Chris edit his four papers.

And after all that is done, I get to reward myself with surgery on my shoulder and an overnight stay in the hospital and a month + where I can’t drive.

*sigh*

People have asked me how I feel about graduating. I haven’t even had time to think about it. Or moving. Right now, it’s surviving a day at a time.

*hugs to everyone in flist land and Plethorites* I miss you guys. I miss having a life. 🙁 Drop a line, say hi, tell me what you’ve been up to. I’m sure by now, you’re all producing grandkids…

I find that music is one of the best channels I have in my spirituality–the words, the soaring notes pierce my heart even if it’s a little hardened, cynical or distant. There’s something about it that brings me closer to God, back on path. Granted, it has to be good music, good lyrics, not sentimental crap that is designed purely to try to get you to cry (I could list hundreds of exampes that instead of making me feel warm and fuzzy get me so irritated I can’t see straight).

In church today, we had a musical number that did exactly that, inspired me rather. I don’t know if it was the singer or the instrumentation that backed (flute, piano and a string quartet… lovely combination), but I don’t think there was a dry eye in the chapel. I came home and promptly did a google search to see if I could find a recording of that particular arrangement. No such luck, but I did find the lyrics. And since there are many of my friends who have been struggling recently, I thought there might be someone else who is touched as well.

Unanswered Yet by Charles D Tillman

I’m late (as always) doing this, but since most of her flist is not on my flist, I only found out about this through the grapevine. But I couldn’t resist and since it’s still April 7 in the Pacific timezone, well, technically, I’m not late!

I’ve been a fan of eponine119‘s writing for practically forever. I remember her writing from back in her X-Files days and her stories were always the ones that stuck with me. Next, I discovered that she also was a fan of Gilmore Girls and once again, I had the opportunity to read and enjoy her fresh takes on the relationships in the show.

Lately, however, her fiction has taken place in the LOST universe and nobody, nobody writes it better than her. Especially the general stories or the stories about the characters that nobody else is writing. Those are the ones that I read over and over again.

A few of my favorites:

Home is one of my absolute favorite Shannon stories. Even now, with Shannon’s death, this is one of the comforts, this idea that she did survive.

Sawyer’s Book Club. I honestly think that it’s stories like this that got everybody interested in who Sawyer was, his motivations. Excellent story. Excellent.

Red Sky has been recced by everybody but this is *the* doomsday fic. The descriptions are incredibly poignant and so dead on in the characterizations.

And finally, one last Shannon fic and a story that eponine119 wrote for little ol’ me. I love it. Bonds.

Thanks for the many hours of enjoyment, Megan! I hope you enjoyed your day!

(Warning, this is like the boringest update in the world. Seriously, you’d be better off if you go look at the articles about Jessica Simpson becoming a Baywatch babe. Really. Because that’s entertainment!)

Life is good. I don’t think I’ve written that in a while. Makes a nice change. 🙂

I’ve been really busy. As I said, the boring kind of busy, but it’s been nice. I finished my genetics rotation (did I even mention that I was doing a genetics rotation), which was really enjoyable. At one time, that was the career that I was thinking about, becoming a pediatric geneticist. And while it was fun, it was nice discovering that that wasn’t the career for me. Good thing–that would not have been a nice discovery to make right before I started my residency in a completely different field.

The past two weeks I’ve been working on my “PCP”, my last paper/research project that I have to do to graduate. I’ve changed my project three times, but this last one I’ve been really excited about, and there’s a chance that I’ll get published with it (the biggest motivator to get a student to do something–lure them with promise of seeing their name in an obscure journal). The best part is that I’m actually working with Chris on it–it was a project that one of his public health professors had suggested that he do and when I was complaining that all of my ideas were fizzling into nothing, he was good enough to let me join in. It’s been a blast working with him again–it’s like we’re back in second year, the good old times. We work really well together, always have, and things between us are finally, finally getting back to normal. We’re talking about everything and laughing and, well, having my friend back makes me very happy. We had tea today, at my favorite tea shop, and worked on our papers–and when we get bored, switched and worked on each others. 🙂 It was a great afternoon, until he got a ticket on his car, but otherwise, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend a snowy afternoon.

It’s still hard to grasp that I’m graduating in six weeks. Six weeks. It really hasn’t hit me, mostly because I’ve been in this “go go go” mode and just seem to be going from one short-term goal to the next. This week, it’s finishing this questionnaire, writing a proposal so that it’ll be approved for administration. Next week is starting of classes again (ugh. All day long too), learning wilderness survival (hmm, maybe that was the class that I needed to take before my safaris!) and personal doctor’s appointments. The next week is more certification for residency.

And then comes the weeks that I’ve been dreading. I think I’m going to have to have surgery before the end of this month. I’ve been pushing it off, but my shoulder has been giving me problems and I don’t think it will last through all five years of residency. I hate this, the fact that I have spent virutally every bit of vacation since starting college having surgery, but I’d rather not face the alternative. One day, one day, the surgeries will be over and I can quit collecting scars like postal stamps. That would be nice.

Ellie and I have started on our Letter Game! I’m so excited. I got the task of writing the first letter, and therefore creating the characters and the world that our game would take place in. Of course, I had to pick a time that I know next to nothing about–the Celtic world, around 500-600 CE. So if anybody out there happens to be an expert, let me know. 🙂 Google can only tell me so much.

It snowed here. About a foot up in the foothills, 5-6 inches in the valley. I knew it was going to happen. My beautiful magnolia blossoms had just opened and looked so pretty and pink–which was a sure sign that a freeze was coming. It’s happened every year, every year. The poor things just don’t do well in this climate. I love spring storms though, they’re probably my favorites. The snow is wet, with huge flakes and love the contrasts of colors and white. It’s not quite as cold and one can hold on to the promise of warmth much easier than in the dead of February.

I think I’ve pretty much decided to hold off buying a house until after I move and get settled in Milwaukee a little. I don’t know the area very well (i.e. at all), and I want to not feel rushed in my decision on the house–it’s a huge commitment and I want to be happy with my place. Plus, with surgery, I won’t be able to drive for several weeks and that makes house-hunting difficult. So, I’m looking for an apartment instead, one with a month-to-month lease, and after a few months, I’ll make the decision then.

I’m sitting here watching them award Steve Martin win the 2005 Mark Twain prize. It’s actually pretty humerous. I can’t say that I’ve really considered myself a huge Steve Martin fan, but I gotta hand it to the guy–thirty years in the business and he’s still going strong.

I’ve rambled long enough and probably should get to bed. 🙂 Night all.

There will be a real post too soon, I promise (no, I’m not avoiding LJ like last week, I just got super busy. And unfortunately, it’s the boring kind of super busy that wouldn’t be the slightest bit interesting to read about). But until then:

Snagged from eponine119:

Rec-Go-Round: Rec me ONE story you’ve written that you’re proud of, any fandom, any genre, here on my LJ.

Then go forth and ask the same in yours.

I’ve been wanting to do more writing recently, more short stories and drabbles. It’s been so long since I took a pen to paper. When I was in Kenya, I was so determined to finish Like Never Before that I wrote for two afternoons, transferring crumpled paper of many edits to computer, writing two new scenes. It was great, I was on a roll, things were progressing, and I was going to come home and surprise everybody–not that I think anybody has missed my story, it would have mostly been for my satisfaction. I saved it on my memory stick and when I turned on my computer the next morning, somehow the stick had gotten corrupted and I lost everything. My sister has the same brand and it died two weeks later, so we think it’s some error with the stick itself, but I lost all motivation again. I hope it comes back.

I’ve missed the creative outlet that writing provides, the satisfaction that came from getting just the right word and turn of phrase. I keep thinking about trying to tackle some original short stories or essays (you may have noticed some of the attempts in my journal entries, to make them sound a little more like prose rather than ramblings. I have no idea how well I’m succeeding–this entry would not be an example, btw). Especially since I heard that Brooke was writing a children’s story, which knowing her will be completely wonderful and witty and alive, since that’s how she writes naturally, and Michelle’s been corresponding with a friend, a la “Sorcery and Cecelia”. But I don’t have the time or the ideas at this point. Okay, I shouldn’t use time as an excuse, since Atul Gawande wrote Complications as a surgery resident, snatching 15-30 minutes away from precious sleep, and I have a ton more free time than that right now. (BTW, that’s the best book on the practice and culture of medicine I’ve ever read. I highly recommend it, even to those who have no medical knowledge at all. It’s a fantastic, enthralling read).

No, for me, the real hiccup is the creative side. I can’t seem to come up with a single original idea. Every time I attempt to invent characters or plots, they feel like pale ripoffs of every single author I’ve ever read. That is the reason that I love fanfiction so much–the characters are there with preformed motives, personalities, behaviors, etc and the trick is to write your own story within those boundaries. It’s difficult, yes, to stay in character, but I like the challenge combined with the ease. However, I really love the opportunity presented with the minor characters–people that we might have names and looks for, but everything else is a blank slate. Why I can invent personalities and mannerisms in this case and can’t with OF is beyond me.

Anyway. As I said. I’ve been wanting to write. Gilmore Girls has passed beyond inspiration. Even with the lure of Jess coming back for one more eppy hasn’t been enough to light the fire (maybe that will change come April). And I’m really wanting to try something new.

So. The sum up is that I found a prompt community called 7spells for Harry Potter fiction. It’s only seven stories which is much more manageable than the fanfic100 communities and I like the prompts, and even more amazing, there was a character pairing not taken that I thought I could actually maybe write something about.

Behind the cut is my master list for writing Harry Potter/Luna Lovegood. I’m rather excited, actually. I had so hoped that Luna would become a bigger character after she proved herself in the 5th book and was disappointed in the sixth book. I loved her scenes, she was hilarious, but it was lacking in substance–she was just the humorous situation generator. Where was the whole “Hermione and Luna balance Harry” plotline? Or the mystical “life after death” connection.

Erm. I’ll stop now. I’ll be posting the stories to my journal, since communities have a tendency to disappear and I don’t want to lose anything, but you have no obligation to read anything. Promise. 🙂

Harry/Luna challenge stories

The problem with taking some time away from your blog (without actually saying that you are taking some time away) is that you can’t just jump in and fill in with the conclusions of what’s been going on. For example, I had been going to start this entry saying that “I’m doing better now” and realized that since I’ve only had one vagueish entry in the last two weeks, you have no idea that I was doing “poorly.”

I hadn’t meant to take this break. I went through a little bit of a writer’s block and then when I wanted to write, I was way too emotional to write anything halfway resembling coherency.

It’s been a hard week. I’ve been figuring out all of these financial things (and I HATE dealing with money. Honestly, I wish we all would just convert to a system where we bartered with crayons), such as reconsolidating my loans (again), finding out my credit report, finding out how much of a house I could afford. I had a presentation on Wednesday that of course took much more time than I thought it would (but it went well, so yay!) and had all of the responsibilities of the end-of-the-rotation stuff to complete. I had to sign my initial contract for MCW, and I’m also supposed to send them my schedule by the beginning of next week. 8 months of hospitals wards. Three weeks of vacation and only two can be taken together. Do I need to take off an entire week for Sam’s wedding or can I arrange the few days off? Do I want to spread them equally over the year, so that every three months or so, I’ll have a week to look forward too–or have two weeks together where I could actually do something? Et cetera. Et cetera. And so forth.

And then Chris and I started arguing. No, argue is too strong of a word–I can’t come up with any kind of definition for what it was. He said some things, a little more biting and sarcastic and mean, which I didn’t pick up on at first, because they were more mild than some of what he’s said in the past few times I’ve been with him. And he called and apologized after I left. Which should have made things better, but they didn’t, because it just made me realize everything that was wrong with us. I mean, I forgave him completely, but before all of this, he never said anything mean to me. If he teased me, it was good natured and I knew it–there was never that ribbon of malice that seems to tinge the conversations now. Not to mention this whole not speaking about Melissa thing–I thought I was being the good friend by giving him space to talk to me about it when he was ready. Turns out, he is talking to another one of our friends–and hanging out with her when he’s telling me that he has no time to do anything. Me–very jealous. Very hurt.

So, that’s what sent me into my week long depression. But I’m better now. I finished most everything on my “MUST. DO. NOW.” list, which relieved the stress, managed not to think about things that I could fix, and got some sleep. And Chris and I worked out this afternoon (20 pound stationary front rows, baby! I’m improving!) and while we didn’t talk about that fight–things were better between us, back to normal. He actually talked about Melissa and his feelings about what’s going on. I was so relieved that when he hugged me goodbye, I almost started crying. Yep, I’m an emotional wuss. I think that has been thoroughly established here by now.

The jealousy thing is getting a little better too. I’m still hurt that while I thought she was a friend of both of us, I’m getting left out of things, but I’m not having the stabbing thoughts that I’m getting replaced and will be Last Year’s Model long before the move to Wisconsin happens. And that’s a much better feeling.

So anway, I’m winding down on medical school. I have six weeks left–2 weeks of research/paper writing, two weeks of class (I’ll be also taking a Wilderness Medicine class then and will be able to tell you how to treat that snake bite!), and then 2 more weeks of the research/paper. That’s it. The research thing is kinda worrying me — I’ve known about it for months and have been trying to brainstorm what I could do without much luck, and I want to get everything done in two weeks, so that I can have surgery during the last two. That would be the perfect timing, so I could be fully recovered by the time residency starts. I see my doc on the 10th of April–I should know better then how I can fit everything together.

I’m taking a “Basic Life Support” class tomorrow (I need “Advanced Life” for residency and you have to have the basic first). It’s rather amusing that I’ve gone through all of medical school and never been formally trained on CPR or anything–I mean, I know it, but I’ve never had to pass it off and become certified, until now. Melissa’s taking the class as well–it’s the first time that I will have seen her since the New Year’s. I have no idea what to say to her. Not a one.

Always nice to discover another personal weakness.

What makes it worse is that it really is over NOTHING. Nothing. But I feel supplanted, which makes me panic that that I’ll be replaced before you can say Milwaukee and that makes everything worse. Compounding the feelings of inadequacy, is the knowledge that I’m boring the socks off of every person in my vicinity. “We keep having the same conversation over and over.” Thanks, just what I needed to hear.

I’m woeful and angsty and really just using this to vent vaguely. But that’s the purpose of a journal, ain’t it?

The late night gab-fest had turned from silly to serious as we fought sleep. Perhaps it was I who began fretting about the inevitable change as we curled up on the couch. She, one of my dearest friends, was leaving very soon and I wouldn’t see her for more than a year and a half. Time had crept in and our idyllic college days, where we had all romped and discovered a second childhood, were coming to an end.

“I hate growing up and becoming an adult.”

“We may be older, but we are not grown-ups yet. That requires bigger steps.”

“Such as?”

“Marriage.”

“Laura and James are married and they’re not adults yet–they’re just more like permanent roommates.”

“Okay. Maybe not marriage. But kids do.”

“Oh, yeah. Kids make you an adult.”

Together, we made our list. Kids, definitely. Buying a house. Buying a car that cost more than $500. Have a career. And, as we stared down at the sofa that we had “rescued” from the side of the road, we added one last thing to the list: purchasing a new, real couch. That would be the things that changed us from irrepressible youth to Responsible Adults.

The years have slipped by from that conversation, seven years by my calculation. Liz went away, came back, and lived with me for another two years. My friends all married, had kids, purchased houses, cars, and yes, new sofas, and I was left behind, still lurking on that cusp of being a grown-up. I remained single, in a small apartment with roommates, and my couch, with its hard wooden sides, was replaced with one with softer, smaller arms but a torn seat that had to be supported with books. As that one gave way, it too was replaced with a worn, but matching sofa and love seat (an improvement!), graciously donated by Chris. Still not quite classified as the real grownup purchase.

That is all about to change. I contacted a realtor today to discuss purchasing a house in Milwaukee. In a few weeks, if all goes well, I’ll be a home owner. A few weeks after that, I’ll have a degree and a new title. I’ll have a real job, a career where I’ll be responsible for the welfare of all the patients under my charge.

It’s official. I am now an Adult. A Grown-up. At 27 years, it’s probably about time.

But I don’t think I’m getting rid of my secondhand sofas yet. I’m not ready to be that old.

During my two weeks on Neurosurgery last year, I walked into the operating room and discovered that the trauma patient that everybody had been talking about in rounds was somebody that I knew extremely well, from my hometown of 250 people. She was one of my mom’s good friends and her granddaughter is one of the few people that I count as a friend from high school. She had been in an accident and had broken her back. Needless to say, that surgery is one of my most memorable–and not in a good way.

Because I was on service, I had the opportunity to visit with her on a daily basis, until she was moved to the rehab ward. Most of the time, I didn’t do much more than hold her hand while she slept and even that was hard. I wanted to do so much more and was powerless. I couldn’t offer words of encouragement–we as her care team had no idea if she would get any movement back, no idea how much surgery she’d require, no idea when the pain would start to dissapate–and even though I wanted to say everything was going to be okay, I couldn’t. She’s had a hard recovery. She can walk now with the assistance of a walker, but it is very tiring and the numbness has never left her legs. She fights with depression on a daily basis now, wondering why she survived. It’s hard watching her go through this trial–this once happy, vibrant lady.

All this has been in my head this week as my friend lies in the hospital for a very similar reason. I haven’t been up to see him yet, partially to give him time to heal, partially to give myself time. Becuase, and I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, although I don’t have any idea how hard it is for the person who ahs been through a traumatic event, it’s difficult being the relative/friend and finding the right words of support. As I’ve mentioned before, I have gotten to the point that I can relate to patients and share in their grief–but when it affects someone I know, I become useless again.

He’s doing a little better in terms of his spirits. We held a meeting on Tuesday to try to come up with ways to help with his medical costs, personal needs, and to help find ways for him to finish school. I’m now on a committee trying to come up with fundraising ideas–something that, as always, has turned out to be more difficult than intended. We had thought that we would pull all of our frequent flyer miles together to get his family here–but Delta airlines is a business and is charging $50 to transfer the miles–plus 50 cents for every mile, and they won’t waive it. We’ve gotten the local media available.

Anyway, I really do appreciate the words of support that you all have offered. I thought some of you might be interested in reading some of the articles that have appeared in the local newspaper.
http://www.sltrib.com/utah/ci_3583898
http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,635190427,00.html
http://umed.med.utah.edu/ms4/gael/Gael%20letter.doc

And I know none of you know him at all, but if you wanted to donate something to his cause, email me and we can talk. 🙂 No pressure really.

I’ll do another post later about things going on in my life (and there are a few things), but I’m pretty bad at updating on things I’ve written about in the past and thought this might be of interest.

There are some people who just brighten your life the instant they walk into the room.

Gael, one of my classmates, is one of them. He always used to hug me when he saw me, and I, who thrive on hugs, often sought him out when I was having a bad day. He irritated me several times, that’s true–I didn’t like his condensending attitude towards women (you could forgive him some of it since he was very French) and working with him on rounds could be challenging, but he was my friend. Depending on when you asked him, he was going to be an Orthopedic Surgeon, an Ophthalmologist and most recently, a Neurologist like me. He had big amibitions and the gutsy charm to get what he wanted.

I just found out that he was in a snowboarding competition yesterday. There was an accident and he transected his spinal cord. He is paralysed from the waist down and will most likely never walk again. The neurologist-to-be is now in the neuro critical care unit, will undergo surgery tomorrow and will struggle to regain even a semblance of what his life had been like.

He’s not wanting visitors for the next few days, so the challenge of figuring out words and action of comfort can be mused over and thought out, but this has certainly put a stop to my “woe is me” little pity parties I’ve thrown myself these past couple of weeks. There’s nothing like a bit of perspective–I just wish that it hadn’t come at the expense of my friend.

I went out to dinner tonight with Chris. At a fancy restaurant. {everybody oohs}. In fact, it was so fancy that I:

A. Did my hair in curls. It looked slightly freakish, but with mousse and holding gel, I got it tamed to something resembling waves.

B. Put on makeup. An accomplishment.

C. Wore contacts. The late night stayups watching M*A*S*H and X-Files have not been nice to my eyes.

D. Pressed my dress pants. Okay, they were extremely wrinkly and I would have been mortified to step out of the house in them, but wow!

All in all, a rather amazing and different experience for me. It was fun, getting the opportunity to dress up. {everyone ahhhs at Pretty!Julia} Chris, gentleman that he was, helped me into my coat and held the door for me. He was not so gentlemanly that he offered to pay the whole bill, however. 😛

We had a great time, talking again about traveling and international experience and long term career goals and dating. I mentioned my current love interest, where he raised the valid point of “are you sure it’s dating that he’s not interested in, or not dating you?” which made me frown a bit and took me back. He didn’t mean it as a insult, I think, but I’m not sure that I really want to think about that.

I think he’s backing out on our Mexico trip. Well, not so much the trip as he would still be doing it, but me doing it with him. “I think it might become a family trip” was the proffered excuse. I’m hurt about it, I really am. I mean, geez, I knew it wasn’t going to be just me and him – we’d kill each other in two days and hello, do you think I want to have the fulltime job of distracting him from remembering that if things hadn’t gone badly, he would be getting MARRIED at that spot, on that day? I knew that it was his parents and brother and SIL going down and that it would be me hanging out with them and that was going to be cool–I like all of them from the few times that I’ve met them. It was going to be our last trip, our last hoorah. He leaves for Asia the day after my graduation, and I’ll be gone before he gets back. We’ve never travelled together, ever and I saw it as one of those “never again” opportunities that he’s always telling me to seize.

I just… I’ve been struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues recently, exacerbated by the fact that I’m bored and actually have time to think about these things, but I’m really not liking myself very much right now. And this just feels like another slap of rejection, a poorly veiled excuse where he really means “yeah, Julia, I just don’t want you there”. I’m feeling very vulnerable and knowing that I’m leaving–I get panicky that this is a great excuse for him to just slip out of my life. I was really looking forward to this trip. I thought he was too.

You would think that after all of this time, I would be getting used to rejection. I just hadn’t expected it from him.

I probably should actually use this thing to update on my life.

The sad thing is that nothing is going on right now. I came home from Kenya in the middle of the rotation blocks, so have had nothing to do. It’s been nice having a break, really and I find ways to use my time, but it doesn’t lend to a lot to talk about. I had intended on taking a literature class that sounds fascinating: “The Doctor-Patient Relationship Through Literature” and had actually signed up for it, but it started before I came home and with the President’s Holiday, they decided that I couldn’t get credit for only going to 4 days of class. Worse is the fact that I can’t drop it, since the rotation already started, so I’m actually getting a failing grade. For something that I wanted to do. It doesn’t matter–I’m matched and I’ll still be graduating just fine, but it’s a little on the frustrating side.

So, I’m starting a new rotation today… or at least I’m supposed to. Registered the end of last week, didn’t hear about any details (where and what time to meet, etc), which made me a little worried, but I am a slacker right now and didn’t follow up with it until this morning. Found one phone number, it was wrong. I was interviewing potential medical students this morning, so after that finished, I finally tracked down the right number–only to discover that they had been expecting me in clinic at 8 this morning. It’s always nice giving such a good impression on the first day.

The good news is that I got ahold of the attending with whom I will be working and clinic is over for the morning and she’s out of town tomorrow, so I’m not starting until Wednesday. Sweet! And it sounds like that there are many people working in the clinics which will spread the workload and make things a little easier. I’ve definitely hit the “end of the year” slump in motivation and just want to do enough to get me graduated and that’s it.

I have been spending the week developing my culinary skills. My friend got a cook book (Rachel Ray’s 365: No Repeats – a New York Times bestseller, I’ll have you know) for Christmas and insisted I buy one as well, so we could try different recipes and share our successes. So, I’ve made Rosemary Orange Pork Chops with Lemoned Asparagus, Basil and Spinach Chicken Burgers, and last time Pesto Mustard Chicken, which was very yummy. They’re supposed to take only a half hour to make–but I’m a slow chopper and I forget the recipe and so am constantly consulting it, so it ends up taking more like an hour or more. It’s been okay; I’ve had nothing better to do. Today, I think I’m try the Bacon and Egg Stuffed bread. I really love cooking with fresh herbs, though; believe me, I could gush for hours about the wonderfulness that is fresh cilantro. That’s one thing that I’ve decided about my new place–while I don’t want a garden, it must have place where I can grow a few herb plants (I think I could probably manage to remember to water them). I get absolutely giddy at just the thought of having my own rosemary to pick!

I really should clean my room. I tackled the living room and kitchen when I came home, but the room is a disaster and I haven’t wanted to touch it. Last night, however, I knocked over a box of potpourri and this morning, printing off applicant information set up a Goldberg pandemonium that only worsened the general state of things.