Dear Program Director:

Please accept my apologies. Had not realized that page was sent to all of us loser residents and was not meant to be a chastisement, rather a reminder that 6 months to complete a note might be a little lengthy. I concur and will do better. Feel properly remorsed for little tantrum yesterday. No hard feelings.

XOXO,
Your Resident

On call today and for the first time in the entire month, the service is quiet. The NICU patients are stable (sick but stable, that’s a first), I’ve discharged all but one of my patients, I am only a few dictations behind, I managed to see almost all of my clinic patients (and if I had had someone to staff with on time, I could have seen them all) and I haven’t had an acute stroke (yet). Rather amazing that. It’s incredible what a better day today is compared to yesterda,y just because I could finally get some of my work done. And because work has now blocked Gmail, Yahoo Mail, and Facebook, I’m almost bored. But LJ still works (ha!) so that’s something. So I’m perusing my friendslist and looking at the newish Doctor Who promos, and I’ve forgotten how much I love wasting time.

Tonight looks like a night where I might be able to get a few hour of sleep. I love those call nights and I think, after the last few calls I’ve had, I deserve it.

I am doing so much better. 🙂

I regaled some of my friends with the date story… seriously, had a crowd who were interested in every detail, which launched me into full storyteller in my finest element. Apparently, a date is a rare and special occasion and needs to be details so everybody can live vicariously through the event. All agreed that the outfit was horrible (in the original story, it should have read that he was wearing khaki shorts, not pants. Khaki pants are perfectly acceptable. Shorts on the other hand, are not), but that the guys in our church are lame and don’t know how to date, so not to take it personally. In fact, they all seemed pretty impressed that he had accepted the invitation in the first place, as he has a reputation of never dating anyone. Huh. Well, I guess that explains the shorts.

So thus ends the saga. I promise I won’t be spamming your flist with any more of my gloom and doom. 🙂 Thanks for the support, in any case.

I’m really making progress in the transferring of this blog to WordPress. It’s a lot of fun going over my old entries. I pruned most months down to just a entry or two; when you get rid of all of my Lord of the Rings squeals, my fanfiction and random memes, I really didn’t say much the first years.

The fact that I can edit comments is almost enough to convince me to head over there entirely. I love that I can go through and fix all of my annoying misspellings. But it doesn’t have userpics, and it doesn’t have threaded replies and it doesn’t have *you*. 🙂

My parents and sister will be arriving either early this morning or sometime tomorrow. I have my entire house to clean and arrange and basically unpack (it takes some of us a while… like a year).

Am I?

Nope. Instead, I’m doing fun memes like this. I did this one two years ago, but my friendslist has changed enough that nobody is recognizable anymore. And I must say, even though I went on a friending spree and added a whole bunch of lovely Dr. Who enthusiasts *waves*, they didn’t overwhelm it quite as much as I thought they were going to.

Pictures of my LiveJournal Friends

It just dawned on me tonight, what I really need to make this week better. Not just a day off (although, I’m enjoying every single minute of my day tomorrow, and not thinking about work one iota). Not just an entire new set of patients (my attending, resident and co-intern hate my patients as well; I at least feel better that I’m not the only one), so that I can feel like I’m helping someone, not fighting the demands of entitled, drug-seeking, whining, not-sick patients. Or better yet no patients, since I’m carrying the entire team (yesterday – 12 patients on team, 10 were mine. Today 9 on team, 8 mine and I had the only admission. *sigh*). Not only more sleep. Not sleeping in (this 5:30 thing is going to kill me).

What I really, really, really need is a hug. A good long embrace, where I can weep a little and rest and recharge in the warm, protective arms of another. And as much as I appreciate the virtual squeezes from all of you, it’s just not the same.

It’s got to get better. This month has got to get better.

I realize that recently this journal has been rather short on details of my personal life. For that, I apologize.

One of my favorite blogs, Barbados Butterfly was recently taken down. She’s a surgical registrar in Australia, and apparently her administration found out about her blog and suspended her for a week. Gossip thinks that it’s because she violated patient privacy, my thought is that it’s more because she was criticizing the management and the training environment for surgeons. In any case, she’s now gone.

It certainly has made me wary about what I’ve said here in my journal. I’ve never identified my patients by name or even by disease, but I haven’t changed much of the other details, because part of the reason that I keep a journal is to react to those who influence my daily live, for good or bad. I don’t think I’ve crossed any HIPAA rules, but it certainly starts to make one a little more wary. I realize that I’m writing in a public forum; even though it seems so intimate and small, where I feel like I’m writing to my friends, but since most of my posts are public these days, I really know better. And that has curbed my tongue on what I might otherwise express. I’d post it as friends-only, but I know that there are some faithful readers who have yet to join LJ (it’s really easy, folks). So instead, I’ve blabbered on about more frivolous stuff, which I’ve really enjoyed doing. It’s nice escaping a little while into fandom and poetry, avoiding responsibility.

Things in RL haven’t been that exciting recently anyhow. RL ramblings

The year of 2006 is now dead, settled into his grave, as the New Year now takes over reign. But, as is my nature, I could hardly let him go without a eulogy.

Highlights, month by month (with pictures! Lots and lots and lots of pictures)

You know when you have one of those days where nothing really bad happens, but you still end the day in a very crappy, “get out of my way” mood? Yeah, having one of those today.

I overslept because I forgot to set my alarm yesterday, was so late that I decided it wouldn’t hurt to be later, so actually had somewhat of a leisurely morning (10 min shower instead of 5). And nobody was too upset that I was gone–I hadn’t missed any important lectures, just one of those cutesy “what color is your personality” tests that ALL conferences must include. Most of today’s lectures were interesting, just long, long, long. Third day of 8-5 classes, and I’m dreading the next two days.

My clinic patient called. Again. Fifth time since I saw her a week ago. It’s really wearing on all of my sympathies. Note to patient: believe me, I believe and sympathize with your pain; as one who does have chronic pain, I do actually know something of what you are going through. But since you have tried 50 medications in the past several years AND NOTHING HAS HELPED, you can not expect over night improvements from me. I appreciate the trust, but you have to allow some leeway into figuring out what is going on.

I could continue the rant, but I think I’ll stop. It gets my blood pressure up.

The parking people called and changed my parking pass to the one that is clear on the other side of the hospital and clinics where I work. (gee thanks) I go to park there today… and the gates won’t open. Wonderful.

I can’t access the computer programs that I need at the VA where I’m doing classes this week, so trying to fix my above patient’s problems is even more fun.

I haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping in over 6 weeks.

I haven’t been able to go to the gym in a month.

I probably won’t be able to fit into the bridesmaid dress that I paid over $100 to have altered because my weight is skyrocketing because of the stress.

I’ve spent the last five days working with Chris on his personal statement for residency. It’s been slow and painful, trying to edit it and make it sound good and professional, and above all memorable in the right way. He’s already freaked out about applying because of some earlier difficulties, and so there’s been all this pressure to really make an excellent product.

Last night, we decided to scrap half of what the PS was focused on. I just about cried.

I have friends visiting for this weekend. I haven’t been able to clean my house at all. It’s a disaster. I’m working on the paper again tonight and still won’t have time to clean.

I’m up to two migraines per week. This isn’t good.

It’s rained for a week straight. Last night, it downpoured. And I discovered that the basement leaks, because the sidewalks and front porch drain towards the house. I don’t even want to contemplate how much it’s going to cost to fix that.

I’m really missing the sun.

Thanks for letting me get this rant out of the way. It was either whine here or break down in tears. And Michelle was wanting me to update. 🙂

So, per my suggestion, Chris has been keeping a travel blog, which has been great fun reading and “seeing” what he’s experiencing (Google has never gotten such a workout before!). Mind you, on his last trips, I was lucky to get an email a week–and most of those were 3 lines long, so this has been a nice change.

I emailed Chris early early Tuesday morning, he responded later that morning (there’s a 14 hour time difference), I wrote back and then have commented on virtual every one of his posts. Today I got this whiny email (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) about how everybody’s reading his blog and nobody’s writing him now. ROFL! I’ve turned my friend into a comment fiend!! He will never be able to escape the siren lure of the blogging world now!

****
On a side related note… he knows I keep a blog, and now that he has one, I know that I’m going to start getting some questions about it (or he’ll start searching for it, which is not hard to find if you know me well). Which is making me nervous. It was hard enough opening up my LJ to the Plethora, but that has actually been really nice–I love knowing that Michelle and AJ and sometimes Liz and whoever else that reads and hasn’t told me are keeping up to date with my life (although I still need to do better about writing emails to the Pleth–I’m horribly, unforgivably lazy about that). But opening it up to the person who’s been involved in half of the stories and who features prominently in the telling of those stories? Beyond scary. I have no idea how he would react–I don’t know how I’m going to react!

For now, I’ve decided that he’s too busy traveling and cavorting to locate my journal, so I can relax for a while… but I’ll have to make the decision before I move of whether I’m just going to give him the location…or go through and make everything friends only again (old stuff, new posts would still be mostly public).

****
Both Sam and Susan are in town, which had me giddy with anticipation all last week and I’ve barely seen either of them. Sus and I were to spend all day Friday and most of Thursday together, but something happened in Chicago and they cancelled all the flights on Thursday, so she didn’t come in until later on Friday. We hung out and went to a barbeque, but we didn’t really get a chance to do a good heart-to-heart chat that I’ve been longing for.

Sam, on the other hand, is in the area helping move her mom and as always, with every visit of hers, there’s been unexpected drama, this time involving her sister, which meant she left for Idaho much earlier than anticipated, and so I might be lucky to see her tomorrow afternoon as they pull the Uhaul out of town. *mourns*

Oh, the Comfort
The Inexpressible comfort of feeling
Safe with a person
Having neither to Weight Thoughts not Measure Words
But pouring them all right out
Just as they are
Certain that a faithful hand will take and
Sift them
And with a Breath of Kindness
Blow the rest Away

~Dinah M. Craik~

To get ready for the family invasion that will happen tomorrow, I’ve been trying to clean my apartment, which as always has turned into a massive project, since I’m trying to make it a “packing adventure” as well. It’s ugly and painful and I don’t know when I’m going to get it all done.

I’ve been going through all of my papers, which since I’m a pack rat is basically everything except for school notes since college–bills, bills, random reminders, med school orientation stuff. Most of it is junk (I’ve already filled three garbage bags of just paper), but there have been some forgotten gems that I’ve lingered over.

The best part is that I’ve discovered all of the letters and cards and wedding announcements sent to me over the years. Mission letters from AnnaJune, Michelle and Liz. Random letters that Sam would write when she was bored in her law school classes, decorated with whatever doodles came to her mind. The exchanges back and forth by Susan and I during church, written on whatever scraps of paper we could locate (we were so bad!). The emails between Chris and I on our different trips–he in Ghana, me in Guatemala, me in Africa. Cards and postcards for every occasion from Donna. The epistles (in every sense of the word) from Brooke, detailing in old-fashioned prose the adventures of her life.

When my best friend Susan got married four and a half years ago, I went through a similar period as what I’m feeling now. We had been best friends since starting college, and had been roommates for just a few months–the same time frame that she had been dating her future husband. That summer, our friendship suffered. I’ve never spent so much time in tears. Every evening, after everyone had gone to bed, I would sit on my porch and cry for my loss. I was feeling neglected and lonely and completely at loss as to how our friendship would survive. One day, about six weeks prior to the wedding, I came home discouraged, opened up the door to my room and found myself in a white cloud. Susan had taken all of her left over wedding invitations and had hung them up all over our room, so that they brushed my cheek and hair as I walked in. It was a cheesy gesture (I’m sure you’re all groaning), but it meant the world to me, to know that she truly loved me. Today, I found all of the invitations and the string that I had saved from that day, with scraps from her wedding dress, and those memories came flooding back.

It put last night into perspective. Because while I fret and worry and dread the upcoming changes, I am surrounded by people who love me, who have been my faithful friends for many a year, whose love and affection will be with me always. There will be people that tomorrow will be the last that I ever see them and that will be okay, but there will be many more who somehow will remain an indelible part of my life and whose warmth and love I will never forget.

When I get into the pits of despair again, as I am sure that although I am resolved now to remember and focus on the happiness in my life, I will likely sink into the “woe is me” attitude again, perhaps this will be reminder of how blessed I truly am.

I was going to write a very happy post about the joys of having your best friend come home three days early…

Of getting the chance to go to all of the “last time” places that you were going to miss because the best friend was gone…

Like Thai food. And Indian food. And today’s treat: real English afternoon tea, with sandwiches and scones and little chocolates (not to mention tea)…

Or the banquet tonight, held in honor of the graduates…

Where I was presented with an award for “distinguished service” (I apparently volunteered a lot. I guess all of those Saturday mornings were worth something)…

And the laughter and hugs with some very good friends that I’ve made in med school. Fellow classmates… spouses… single… married…

And the thought that I was one of the few who had become friends with all sorts of the “cliques” (yes, Virginia, they still exist in med school) and feeling quite good about that…

But I just got back from the “after banquet” party, and after sitting on the fringe, getting left out of conversation after conversation… and hearing hints (and blatant remarks) about parties and gatherings that I haven’t been invited too…

And feeling, once again, overwhelmed by the thought that this, all of this is ending and I’m leaving and I have to say goodbye…

That good feeling has dissipated, and I wish it would come back.

Found out about the attack from a television, while checking a surgical wound. It felt surreal. It still does.

Hugs, thoughts and prayers to those who were affected by these events. Special prayers and hugs to Ali (watcher_junior)–I hope your family, friends and other loved ones are safe.

Thanks to all of my wonderful flist for your support and caring. I love you guys. Really, truly.

I’m better. Sleep is a wonderful thing, as is resignation and realization. I studied harder for that test than I have all year long. I read up on every single one of my patients, on their diseases and how to treat them. I even relearned for the fifth time how to read EKGs and blood gases. I knew it–the basics, even crazy diseases. So I don’t know how 66% of everybody who took it did better than me, but it wasn’t for anything that I did.

And it’s just a grade right? *sigh*

I have to start applying for residencies this weekend–get my CV (curriculum vitae for those who don’t know–I didn’t until a few months ago) turned into the central processing place (oh joy), prepare my personal statement and get a list of three things that are “fantastic” about me to give to the Dean of the school, so that when she can write all kinds of wonderful things about me to send to the schools. Plus, I still have that research paper to work on, and I’m dog tending. So much for my holiday. Grr.

Went and saw War of the Worlds today. Hate contributing to opening weekend sales, especially after all of the Tommy fiascoes, but it was the one movie that Chris hadn’t seen and he owed me — that dog I’m housesitting? Yeah, he was supposed to take care of it, but he forgot and made plans to go to Jackson Hole. And did I mention that I’m not so fond of dogs?! The movie wasn’t so bad–properly intense in places and I was sitting on the head of my seat through a good portion of it. Melissa told me that sitting next to me with all of my gasps and freakouts made her more nervous than the movie did. The little kid’s screaming got very annoying very early on, and the ending felt rather abrupt and lackluster (although the explanation was cool). And Tom was rather flat… Sometime good, but eh.

Surgery rotation starts in four days. There are not words to describe how much I’m dreading this. I just about killed myself with two weeks! *pouts* So, I’ll definitely have to make some time for chatting on Sunday, because it’s going to be a long time before I get to do that.

Yet another movie that is impossible to find caps from!

Samples and links