Write-a-thon: (GG)ggminorficathon. Dozens of “minor” characters with the central theme of “I’ve Got a Secret” to write about. I feel rusty with my skills in any type of writing, but GG especially, but the minor characters have been the reason that I’ve continued watching the show. I’ve volunteered to do Brad (who else?) but there are still so many available–including Jess, Paris and Tristan for the major minors and just about every townie. Go little lemmings! Join!

Video: (LOTR) http://www.angelfire.com/rings/theglory/. Somebody made an icon set inspired by this video and I tracked it down, thinking I’d download it, watch it, and then promptly trash it. It’s now found a permanent residence on my hard drive. I haven’t cried so much since seeing ROTK in the theaters. Very moving and hits precisely on the many reasons why I love Lord of the Rings so much.

Exciting (albeit belated) news: (LOTR) Ringers: Lord of the Fans will be released on DVD in November! Now maybe I’ll finally get my hands on the fabulous remake of “Where there’s a whip” by World Without Sundays.

November is such a fine, pretty month, don’t you think? 😀

And Becka bjorks_defender? Totally agree with you on the worries for Everwood. Besides becoming ranting mad when I read all of the criticisms of Hannah’s character, the few spoilers I read left me slightly nervous and nauseated. Here’s hoping that they can pull off the relationship realistically.

I forgot what else I was going to say. Some fabulous rant about something. Oh well, have to be up earlyish to babysit my pseudonephew tomorrow anyway, so I guess I’d better call it a night.

Night all *blows kisses*

I am doing a real post, but for the moment:

Name six songs that you are currently digging … it doesn’t matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they’re any good but they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions and then list the six artists and the songs in your LiveJournal.

(I can never obey instructions–what fun is just listing the songs? Explanations and downloads

Heads you lose. Tails they win.

I had a mini-breakdown today.

Not a major one–there were only a few tears and just a little bit of alkalosis lightheadedness from hyperventilating–nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a evening spent with my favorite doctor, Hawkeye Pierce, couldn’t fix, but it’s the sign of “things to come.”

And all because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life–and this feeling of dread that I’m messing everything up.

I went to the school today–to change my schedule so that I’m doing my Sub-intership in Internal medicine in October, instead of January like I had originally planned, and to talk to the neurology coordinator so that I could figure out what exactly I’m doing for my rotation in 10 days.

I got my schedule fixed–but to change it like I did meant that I’d be doing my rotation at a different hospital than where I had hoped–which means the letters of recommendation that I could get won’t be as good because they don’t have the necessary “prestige” and name recognition.

The neurology person wasn’t there, so before heading out, I went to our student lounge to check mail and email. A notice in my inbox informed that my registration had been processed and I was now $100 cheaper and able to complete the Neurology match.

I’m not even sure if I want to Neurology anymore. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is fears that are choking me, because four months ago, I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. It could be the acrid “great enthusiasm, worked on weekends, interested in the field” evaluation that I got from my attending professor–the same attending that I am to meekly beg for a letter of recommendation. Or the fact that while everybody I worked with in internal medicine are turning circles around me, trying to convince me that that is the field I want to be in, I’ve just received indifference from the neuro folks. “Oh you like neurology. Oh, that’s interesting.” Or have I just forgotten how much neuro fit me–how much it excited me, because it’s been almost a year since I did the rotation.

I liked my internal med rotations a lot. At first, I blamed that on my extremely cute doctor (who is still very cute and apparently still single. So why do I feel like a junior high student with a crush on her teacher??), but the second time around that was not the case, and I still liked it. But do I like it as a career? Or am I considering it because getting letters of recommendation won’t be quite as painful from them.

I hate waffling. I hate this sick feeling in my gut that tells me that time is running out and the decision needs to be made. If I just flipped the coin, would I feel better?

Can I join half of my flist in guy woes?

I feel pathetically female (not the good way) and weak. All because a rush of heartburn when I saw Matt today with that big, honest grin that I’m delusional enough to think that he only gives me. And when he hugged me after I asked how his father was doing, well, that just about did me in.

I know he has a girlfriend (I think? I haven’t seen her around in weeks.) I know that I’ve been here before and logically, I know that past experiences have shown that he. is. not. interested. in. me. I know that.

And yet…

*sigh, sigh, sigh*

And you know what would really help in getting over this perpetual crush?? If there was ONE single guy in the ORs that I work with. Just one. A doctor, a resident, a scrub tech, a nurse, a janitor, heck a products salesman. I don’t even care if he’s that cute–all he needs is pretty eyes, since with the hats, masks and gowns, that’s all I see anyway.

That cute doctor that I worked with last fall is around again and still looking beautiful. Maybe I should find more reasons to just “conveniently” be around the floor when he’s there.

Speaking of him, does anybody know what the title of “Not as Cute as Pushkin” from GG is talking about. Because it gives me giggles, since that’s cute doctor’s name. 🙂 Funny, huh?

And let me tell you, you’ve never experienced overnight call, until it’s just you and the resident around–and she comes down with food poisoning. Yesterday was an adventure, to say the least. 🙂 Surgery has definitely been a growing process in ways that I had never imagined.

And speaking of surgery, rounds start early tomorrow, so it’s off to bed to get my 6.5 hours. Four more days!!!

And I don’t round until 7:30 tomorrow morning!!! The two hours of extra sleep are almost enough to make up for the fact that I’m going to be on call tomorrow and not get a day off this weekend.

Almost. 🙂

*hugs* to all of my flist. I’ve missed you guys, and I’m sorry that I haven’t had a chance to comment in your lives. You’re all in my thoughts!

Tell me 3 Unique Characteristics about Me.

Please?

Examples so helpfully provided by the dean’s office:

“I successfully balanced classes, clerkships and family by deciding to have a baby third year.”
“I play a mean bass in a jazz band on the weekends.”

…

I guess with my overachieving class, probably putting that I’m mediocre would be unique.

Bah. Bah. Bah. Have I mentioned recently how much I HATE THIS??

Found out about the attack from a television, while checking a surgical wound. It felt surreal. It still does.

Hugs, thoughts and prayers to those who were affected by these events. Special prayers and hugs to Ali (watcher_junior)–I hope your family, friends and other loved ones are safe.

Two days into surgery and haven’t seen the inside of an OR yet.

Just the way I like it. 😀 My team has been really nice too, and it looks like my attending are really wonderful too–no yelling and belittling here.

Tomorrow, only one case scheduled.

*happy sigh*

Still early mornings, though.

It’s such a comforting thought to know that I spent my last days of freedom writing a paper, that most likely will never find a publishing journal, since my mind’s mush and I can’t finish the stupid thing.

Twelve hours to go, folks.

Checklist:
Shoes–new, cushy soles. Haven’t wore them though…
Stethoscope
Pens (plural)
Palm Pilot (new programs on it, thanks to Chris)
Pager with new batteries
Notebook for patient information
Study books/pimp questions
Supply of ibuprofen/aspirin/tylenol
Set of clean scrubs
Nametag

I think I might be ready.

In case it’s a long time until you hear from me–have a fabulous summer!

XO to all!

Thanks to all of my wonderful flist for your support and caring. I love you guys. Really, truly.

I’m better. Sleep is a wonderful thing, as is resignation and realization. I studied harder for that test than I have all year long. I read up on every single one of my patients, on their diseases and how to treat them. I even relearned for the fifth time how to read EKGs and blood gases. I knew it–the basics, even crazy diseases. So I don’t know how 66% of everybody who took it did better than me, but it wasn’t for anything that I did.

And it’s just a grade right? *sigh*

I have to start applying for residencies this weekend–get my CV (curriculum vitae for those who don’t know–I didn’t until a few months ago) turned into the central processing place (oh joy), prepare my personal statement and get a list of three things that are “fantastic” about me to give to the Dean of the school, so that when she can write all kinds of wonderful things about me to send to the schools. Plus, I still have that research paper to work on, and I’m dog tending. So much for my holiday. Grr.

Went and saw War of the Worlds today. Hate contributing to opening weekend sales, especially after all of the Tommy fiascoes, but it was the one movie that Chris hadn’t seen and he owed me — that dog I’m housesitting? Yeah, he was supposed to take care of it, but he forgot and made plans to go to Jackson Hole. And did I mention that I’m not so fond of dogs?! The movie wasn’t so bad–properly intense in places and I was sitting on the head of my seat through a good portion of it. Melissa told me that sitting next to me with all of my gasps and freakouts made her more nervous than the movie did. The little kid’s screaming got very annoying very early on, and the ending felt rather abrupt and lackluster (although the explanation was cool). And Tom was rather flat… Sometime good, but eh.

Surgery rotation starts in four days. There are not words to describe how much I’m dreading this. I just about killed myself with two weeks! *pouts* So, I’ll definitely have to make some time for chatting on Sunday, because it’s going to be a long time before I get to do that.

I broke down sobbing in the secretary’s office today. I think that’s the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I thought I had a handle on things, until I found out that I did even worse on that stupid test than I thought and every single pipe dream shattered. And I lost it.

I’ve gotten used to mediocrity since medical school.

No, no, I hear the protests, but it’s true. I haven’t been one of the stellar students–I can’t remember the last time that I saw a grade that was any better than just passing. For the most part, it hasn’t bothered me. Really–the choice between studying for hours every day or just studying a week before the exam, knowing enough that I can pass and getting to enjoy myself in between times–that was good enough for me. Of course, now when I can actually see how it applies to my career and to my patients, I do wish I had spent a time more time studying Pharm. But just a little.

Even this year, I haven’t expected honors in my rotations. I haven’t. But when I work really really really hard and study for hours, I would like to have some outcome that showed that it was all worth it. Just something so I feel like I don’t have to spend he next six months scrounging for some dumb program to take me.

Anybody want to share funny stories with me? Feed me chocolate? Loan me your favorite plush animal? Give me a push off the roof?

Sometimes I really wonder why I put so much effort into things, when in the end, I don’t have one thing to show for it.

I’ve got a bad migraine from all the tears and a paper that I have to write.

I’ve started writing a longer updating post thingy, but ti’s taking forever, and I really need some good advice.

So here’s the back story:

I live in a pretty crappy neighborhood. It’s not terrible drug slum kind of place, but it’s not much better than that. the rent’s relatively cheap and since I’m the poor student, it works. I’ve gone through really bad neighbors–the drug dealers upstairs (nice girls actually–the company they kept though)–freaky ones (upstairs Jim who would sit on the porch all day and smoke–and question any body who came to visit. he was my private watch dog).

So that brings me to my current neighbors. They’ve lived here for about a year, a guy with stringy hair, his girlfriend with a mullet, and his mother–and I guess the cold weather kept them inside, because now… Now I’ve got one guy without an eye who sits outside all day long, asking me questions. Last night, I’ve discovered that somebody has moved sleeping bags under my window and is sleeping there–at least one, there’s probably more. They were cutting hair on the sidewalk today. And to just add that final straw, some random woman was sitting on my porch smoking cigarettes when I came home from volunteering.

So here’s the thing: I am extremely nonconfrontational. Nothing gives me more fears than trying to approach somebody to get them to stop behaviors (expect in a doctor’s office–I have all the power there and can say “you need to stop smoking” with authority). I realize that I need to talk to my manages, but I have no idea what to even say–and should I try to talk to the neighbors first?

Have any of you gone through anything like this? Advice on what to do/what to say? Because right now, I’m just a little bit freaked out–and am actually considering moving–which I have time nor money to do. And I hate moving.

Help!

PS – You should be proud of the job you did in the MICU. You were
outstanding! Feel free to ask me any career questions you may have. We
would love to see you stay in Internal Medicine, either general or a
subspecialty.

From an email I received from one of the residents I worked with this past month. I got excellent evaluations from my residents–the best I’ve received all year long. Now, you know me, I’m not saying that to boast. Oh no, Julia’s never satisfied with a compliment.

Since around October, I’ve been planning on doing Neurology as a residency. Of course, I always prefaced it, even in my head, that “I’m keeping an open mind so another specialty might sway me,” but I didn’t think that anything would. I mean, if you had asked me when I was starting medical school what I wanted to do, I would have told you pediatrics (genetics) or family practice. I certainly never thought that I’d want to do something with the complex, “way too many blood vessels and did they have to name every bony bump a different name?” brain. But the neurological science block second year fascinated me, and I absolutely loved every minute that we spent studying about Parkinson’s disease and multiple sclerosis and how to do a neuro exam–and better yet, be able to locate where in the brain the injury occurred. I spent hours studying, because I loved it. And in the rest of second year, while there were classes that were interesting, there was never that all-encompassing passion for them. And nothing clicked in the same way, nothing made as much intuitive sense like Neurology did.

The year in review…

I thought this summer would be as most summers. Bereft of new episodes of my favorite shows, my only other option of shows to watch would be old reruns of M*A*S*H. And then, I switched to the USA channel for some good L&O: SVU, and within minutes was hooked on “The 4400”. I had seen it advertised last year, and thought that it was some show about Jehovah’s Witnesses and the religious Armageddon (*blush* What? 4400 is pretty to 144,000!) and it just didn’t seem like my kind of show.

Boy was I wrong! My sister filled me in on the premise and what happened last season, and I’ve become completely absorbed. The acting is incredible–really well done from everybody, the storyline’s great, and it feels like old time X-Files–without the monsters-of-the-week. I’m so excited!

*******
Tagged by eponine119!

Fandom meme

Work is boring me to death right now. After the excitement and bustle of the ICU, working in the outpatient clinics, seeing a patient an hour, and finding out way too much information about people’s bowel movements is driving me nuts. On the plus side, I’m only working about 3 hours a day. On the minus side, I’m only working about 3 hours a day, and am not in the slightest motivated to put the other hours of the day to good use, ie, studying for the exam that I hafta do really well on. And I’m really piling on the miles on my poor widdle car.

Big clinical exam (ie, practical, hands on with practice patients) on Monday. 8 “patients”, 4 hours. 15 minute visits, 10 minutes to write it up. My kind of fun. Yeah. Not looking forward to that one.

But the time off has left me time to do meme’s like this one…

Tagged by Becka!

Snagged from bjorks_defender, ’cause she made it up just for me! 🙂

10 random, amazing questions

I usually try to keep my poor attempts at making icons off of my flist, but I know that some of you are Everwood fans and might want one. Inspired by last week’s awesome finale (*dreamy sigh*), I’ve spent a good portion of my little bits of free time playing around with different textures/coloring/styles.

Sample:

Bright/Hannah loveliness